Revenir sur terre

se trouver dans des situations qui se répètent et
éviter de simplement répéter l'histoire

se heurter à des situations historiques et
éviter de simplement réagir aveuglément

se frotter à des situations aveuglantes et
éviter de simplement y perdre son latin

parce que ça se passe que dans les rêves
parce qu'on a pas les pieds sur terre
parce que quand on retombe ça fait encore plus mal

s'attendre à des situations inexistantes et
éviter d'y laisser des plumes

les efforts à renouveler sans cesse pour
s'interdirent de vendre la peau de l'ours avant de l'avoir tué
et rester les pieds sur terre

new new new

whenever I started this blog, tonight it felt very old and on the spur of the moment it just needed to be changed, revamped, like giving it a new layer of paint and a new lease of life. not that I really like this template, but that'll do anyway :)) more colours, more life!!

je me sens vivante

ca vous tombe dessus comme ça, par surprise, sans prévenir, et ça vous assomme!

il y a six ans je me suis trouvée face à une situation tellement douloureuse qu'il m'a fallu trouver une personne compétente qui pourrait m'aider à la traverser. Je ne souhaitais qu'une chose, faire le dos rond, attende que passe l'orage, et continuer ma route comme si de rien n'était. Mais sans pouvoir mettre de mots, je SAVAIS que jouer l'autruche n'était cette fois pas possible. J'ai eu une chance incroyable dans cette histoire, car le premier psychothérapeute que j'ai rencontré a été le bon. Six ans plus tard, je travaille toujours avec lui, deux fois par semaine...

L'objectif, à l'époque, était de sortir de cette situation le plus vite possible et puis d'être heureuse (happy en anglais, le happy de "don't worry, be happy"). Il était clair dans ma tête qu'une thérapie me rendrait "happy". N'est-ce pas ce que tout un chacun désire et recherche à tout prix ?

Avancée rapide....

Il y a quelques semaines, j'ai compris, mon coeur et mon corps ont touché du doigt une vérité, ma vérité : cette thérapie, cette longue psychananalyse ne me rendrait pas "happy"...

Parce que être "happy" n'existe que s'il y a aussi du non "happy" comme la nuit n'existe pas sans le jour, le chaud sans le froid, le féminin sans le masculin, le yin sans le yang, la conscience sans l'inconscient, l'hiver sans l'été...
Parce que "happy" n'est qu'une seule des nombreuses émotions qui vient nous assaillir, nous submerger parfois
Parce que pour être vivant, vraiment vivant, on ne peut simplement oublier toutes les autres
Parce que le but de cette vie humaine n'est pas d'être "happy" mais d'être vrai et que cela est un labeur quotidien, parfois agréable et léger, parfois qu'on préfèrerait éviter...

Malgré tout, aujourd'hui je n'ai d'autre choix que celui de continuer ma nouvelle route - plus exactement, mon choix est de continuer ma nouvelle route ; quand je regarde vers le passé, je n'y retournerais pour rien au monde. Aujourd'hui j'existe et je me sens vivante

new cycle

as from January 7th 2009 I will be a Jungian psycho-analyst trainee with GAPS, the Guild of Analytical Psychology and Spirituality...

The news came after months of preparation, self- investigation, interviews... if I was half expecting it half hoping for it, it nevertheless became a burden as well as a relief and excitment! A few weeks down the line though, the excitment is growing and the work will be there for me to sit down and read and prepare presentations and write essays... wow!

In these last months of preparation for it, I found out how my life has been marked by recurrent 5 year-cycles. Well, I started the process of applying after 5 years in therapy/analysis! a new cycle is definitely starting!

end of year looming

it's been cold in London for the last week or so, and the sun has been magnificent, showing up everyday, nearly all day...

crossing Tower Bridge in the winter morning light, with a conflicting body: chest and arms craving for me to open y coat as they feel overheated and neck and cheeks begging to keep my scarf on as the wind blows freezing on their soft skin...

or walking East on Jamaica Road to catch the tube at Bermondsey (these are the days I'm running late, or simply lazy...) and being greeted by the most beautiful yellow glow on the forest of Canarywharf glass skyscrapers as the sun rises!! That made not only my day but my week!!

a proud full moon bathed the city last night and as I came back home after a dinner out with a friend, I walked straight from the main door to the garden to say thank you and make a female blood offering to "her" spirit!

Something shifted this week, I feel lighter, less weight on my shoulders, brighter spirits - are the low dark clouds that have been with me for.... a very long time starting to dissipate, etiolate? will the space be filled with an anticyclone?

aggressivity

positive or negative
focused or lost
driving forward - or not

i want to get through the seal not around
i need to feel what it's like
to love someone
to hate that same someone
and love them again

i am scared that my anger will
destroy them for ever
so powerful it has become
omnipotent
ever present

yet i need to unleash it
bit by bit safely
i need the someone that i can destroy
and love again

i know just the person but
i can't feel the anger
yet...

shivering...

i've been feeling cold all day
and shivering
my hands under the blanket don't get warm
the slightest body movement brings its lot of tremor spreading from head to toe
there have been so many today that there's like a gentle vibration inside
very pleasant around my heart and all over my tommy

is my body temperature dropping from outside in?
is my body temperature rising from frozen creating ripples, inside out?

does anyone know what shivering might represent symbolically (not medically...) ?

cycles

squeezed between
tears
and
laughs

swinging between
music
and
silence

begging for
no
words

terrified by
new
openings

no more
inscape

out
it
must
be

today
tomorrow or
the
day
after

La fin d'un jour à Chypre

le soleil descend doucement vers l'horizon sans hâte et je quitte la promenade encore chaude sous mes pieds pour venir m'assoir sur un rocher calcaire criblé de trous d'où s'échappe quelques touffes d'une plante inconnue à petites fleurs blanches. J'ai besoin de quelques minutes pour m'installer confortablement. Le bruit du vent se mêle à celui de vagues venant mourir sur ces rochers et ensemble viennent couvrir une vie autrement grouillante de flâneurs restés sur la promenade, de joggeurs profitant des heures moins chaudes pour s'injecter leur dose régulière d'endorphines, de familles venus s'ouvrir l'appétit avant l'heure du dîner... Je suis seule au monde, ou plutôt je suis seule dans mon monde.

La ligne orangée des derniers rayons de soleil se reflétant sur une eau remplie de clapotis me relie à l'horizon, la blancheur des embruns des vagues qui s'écrasent sur les rochers devant moi et la musique de ce rouli régulier a un effet de vase communicant - ma tête se vide de toute pensée et mon coeur s'emplit, grossi. Mon corps en entier est massé et embrassé.

this is where, allegedly, Aphrodite was born! In the Paphos region in Cyprus, out of the foam and sea.... beautiful place, but the water was cold-ish....

I'm back!

well, at least from a well deserved holiday in Cyprus.

What a wonderful place, and what a treat I've given myself!

Challenging on many fronts but wow....

I currently feel that I want to be writing again!!!!!

watch this space as I still don't know what the future holds for me :-)

is this the end of this blog?

I just don't seem to be coming back to this blank page... Most of the time I don't even think about it...

Something's shifted and I don't necessarily feel the urge to share my emotions, feelings and responses to events and situations of my life... What I know is that this writing has helped me tremendously over the last 2 years or so, the comments and the knowing that I had witnesses coming back to reading me. It made my journey more real in some way...

I'm not saying farewell just yet and I might yet be back soon as regularly as before, but somehow I doubt it...

That'll be it for now

am i back? don't know

I really don't know what's going on these days... I haven't been that silent for such a long time ever since I started this blog. Some days I don't even think about it, it doesn't cross my mind!

Some things are happening: I have finished and sent my application for the GAPS training, I am trying to support a friend who's being bullied by someone who should be helping him instead, I've been quite busy with work in the past few weeks, I'm going on holiday for almost 2 weeks this coming wednesday...

I feel a bit like having an elastic band around my waist - trying hard to get somewhere and being pulled sharply back to where I started... but each new venturing out brings new insights into my life... which seems to become less compartmentalised - this is just the very beginning!

Pas très assidue depuis quelques semaines...
Pourtant les jours se succèdent et ne se ressemblent pas...
C'est aujourd'hui le dernier jour du solstice d'été...

De retour hier soir du dernier long weekend faisant partie de la formation d'un an au "shamanic healing", le bilan de cette année (plus exactement 9 mois - encore!!) est riche de découvertes, d'apprentissages, de tentatives, de réussites...

- Apprendre à apprendre pour moi et non pour le "prof"
- Accepter que je suis unique et non spéciale
- Laisser la place à/faire vivre ce serpent kundalini qui se réveille dans le bas du dos
- Quand je danse, je m'honore
- Le shamanisme est (tout au moins à ce jour) un complément extrêmement important à mon développment personnel, mais n'est pas le centre, n'est pas (encore?) mon chemin
- Apprendre à travailler en groupe, faire tomber les masques et savoir être vulnérable

et maintenant il est temps que je me remette à la rédaction des "facteurs psychologiques qui me poussent à vouloir entamer la formation de psychothérapie"... c'est toute une histoire, je n'en finit pas de finir puis de redémarrer... :-)

chat-chat-chat..... chat-chat-chat......

yes, talking, blah blah blah...
serious and deep one minute, shallow and silly the next, and back again... how fantastic!

Learning to be open, expose and put on the table even (above all?) what's uncomfortable but in a a conscious way - not leaking energy by spreading oneself in bits amongst several friends, rather distillate information that one wants to share... It makes such a difference!! Not only there's no leakage of energy but instead space made free in one's life for newness to enter... unbelievable!

from being soooooo turning inward in the last couple of years, i'm opening to the world again, I'm laughing at myself for taking myself so seriously, I feel lighter and at times shallow... and that is a good feeling!!!

And I feel that I want to put my new strengths, center, femininity, discovered sexuality, sensuality to the test of a new relationship... I feel that I want (and am ready?) to be joyful and also hurt and that this won't crush me... only time will tell!

scary...

2 years that I've been filling in this pages with bits and bobs of my life, situations, crises, introspecting, analysing, observing, chasing and playing the detective, trying to discover who I am, why I act the way I do, judging yet trying to be gentle....

nearly a month that I haven't written anything... almost anything... most of time I didn't even think about it. At times I did, I didn't feel like it. No words, no wish to sit down and share, no need to be serious and evaluate where I am, how far I've gone, compare, judge...

My analyst lent me this book Narcissism and Character Transformation: Psychology of Narcissistic Character , by Nathan Schwartz-Salant a few weeks back. Fantastic book, but very complicated. Yet it shifted something inside and the one thing that had struck me is how narcissistic people can not be happy. As if it's just not on!!! It hit me hard. real hard. And yesterday I was having a wonderful chat with my friend A. and she asked me the question "can you be happy?", to which i finally answered yes!!! That brought tears of fear and relief, pride and guilt....

I am learning to be happy, lighter, frivolous, owning the right to be, with the risk that it brings other people to envy me! basically I'm seeing that it is possible to take life not as seriously, have fun, have various types of friends... and lots more!!

I am very grateful to my current and older friends who've put up with me in these last few years where I've been looking for darkness...

just a few keywords...

crisis, hurt, depression, emotions, tears, love, pain, expansion, knowing & feeling, cell memory, ir-rational, repair, tension, 3rd, openings, sociable, within & without, moon-time, compassion, compensation, empathy, food, womanhood, teenager, fun, free fall, grieving, laugh, terrifying, blessings, grateful, narcissism, oyster, divided, brick wall, ocean, boat, horses, home, justice, authority, envy, jealousy, rank, older & younger, race, spring, death, flowering....

negative energy....

I've registered for a 4-week course untitled "touching the unseen" and tonight was the second week, when we talked about meditation. We shared our personal practice and as the talking stick went around the circle i became very aware of a fact: a few people around the circle have a positive thought while meditating or call in positive energy, or say a positive mantra... and release negative energy...

I can't help thinking - where does all these negative energies go to? surely it can't be safe to just let it go, can it?

i asked this question and the teacher had some answer that didn't convince me, and rather the opposite. He said that we could release it to the Earth and that it would take care of it. How? The Earth is a living being and knowing how water cristals react to different emotions, words or peace of music (see Miraculous messages from water, Emoto's work), i can not believe that releasing negative energy into the cosmos is a good thing...

What I believe is that we've got to take responsibility for our negative thoughts and energy, too and transform them ourselves, one way or another before they can be released. Or else, other beings - humans or not - will end up picking up these energies they have not asked for...

Please, don't tell me i'm the only one thinking that way....

a new softness

another monday and another discovery on the dance floor...

tonight there was a softness about me that i do not remember having noticed in the past;
i found an acceptance within that transpired without;
i accepted to be touched by others around me and it translated by mimicking others' moves, and therefore very foreign to my usual movements;
in chaos i observed myself breathing in deeply and easily, while at other times I would have been short of breath and in need to stop for the lack of air;
i was my own spectator in Lyrical when it seemed at times that my hands and feet were synchronised via puppet-like ropes;

i was greeted by half moon as I walked out, and received a welcome into the night and its golden darkness;

last but certainly not least "i judge people and therefore believe everyone judges me. Best therefore to judge myself first, at least I know what to expect, however harsh..." yes, i had known this truth for years but tonight my eyes opened onto it in a very different way that i can not explain. all i can say is that i just KNEW it in my heart, I SAW the full impact of it on others and myself and I wondered how it will feel, eventually, to look at people not with a new eye, someday in the near or far away future...

for now, i'll just keep observing and catching myself

powerful moon time

at the time of the new moon in Taurus - pleasure, fertility, natural abundance, material security, sensuality, conservation, values, self-worth, steady creative progress, slowing down

just past Beltane - Celtic festival of fire, fertility and love, also known as May Day, when maidens with flowers in their hair dance around the phallic May pole. At Beltane, the maiden met the Horned-God or Green Man in a cave, and coupled with him anonymously. It was a sacred act, and the fruits of that meeting were considered semi-divine. Taurus embodies divine desire, because it is a creative force that sustains life

putting 2 and 2 together and matching my last week with these important and powerful symbols, cermonies and rituals gives the experiences even more weight...

welcomed anger

I am very grateful to T. as he's allowed me unearth a strong emotion - once more

A few weeks back, "he sent me" to reexperience the most painful wound, one I had been not only avoiding but ignoring for years and years.... it'd been calling for attention in recent years, and the calls had grown louder in recent months and weeks, and BANG!!! one action, one decision, one word, one situation and the trap under my feet opened large and wiiiiiiiiiide...

Yes I fell deep into darkness
No I did nothing to stop the descent
Yes it was the most painful experience
No I didn't enjoy it
Yes I watched myself falling
No I don't wish the same pain to my worst enemy
Yes i would do the same again if it was required
Yes I knew deep down that it was worth the pain
Yes I discovered a real treasure in the darkness

Tonight he cancelled a meeting at the last minute and because it wasn't the first time, I felt a surge of anger rising and rising... the good thing was that I was on the train and wouldn't have called him there and then for the whole carriage to share what I had to say. Some things are private, after all! This time though I kept this anger going until I was home.

Yes I voiced it
No I didn't want to hurt myself for it
Yes my heartbeat was going very fast with anxiety
No I didn't feel guilty
Yes I broke a real good sweat
No I wouldn't do any different
Yes it was simply anger which vanished after taking shape in words
Yes remnants of the original pain resurfaced after our phone call
Yes I felt worthy, centered and respecting myself

it came
was expressed
went

end of story
thank you

v'là l'printemps!!

premier samedi de vrai printemps!!! yeepee!!! il était temps car la pelouse poussait, poussait, poussait... les quantités d'eau tombées ces dernières semaines lui convenaient si bien...

alors
Flymo est a-rri-vé-é-ée
sans s'pressé-é-ée
et elle a bien marché-é-é

next au programme de la journée, monter une table de jardin et sortir 4 chaises de leur carton!!!


c'est pas excitant tout ça???

un soir de printemps

je suis rentrée du boulot par le chemin des écoliers ce soir.

Métro direct, traversée de Tower Bridge, profitée de la vue et d'une lumière magnifique et changeante entre le gris sombre et les rayons du soleil traversant quelques nuages et illuminant l'eau couleur argent...
et puis c'était marée basse, et je suis descendue au bord de l'eau écouter les mouvements incessants, remercier ce fleuve majestueux qui fait vivre Londres, qui lui donne des ailes... je me suis sentie adoucie, caressée, invitée à ouvrir mon coeur - jusqu'à ce que le petit vent très frais ait raison de moi et du fait que je n'étais pas assez habillée...

j'aime cette ville fourmillante 24/7 aussi parce qu'il y a ces endroits "secrets" où le silence règne et la vie va au ralenti...

little claire

yes I have found her in a dark basement, confused, hurt, not trusting, yet having made this place hers and being as comfortable as possible in there - that is in between the time she got abused...

here she is...

inner judge

oh the anguish of standing up for myself
the difficulty of finding my own voice

actually no
it's more about giving a voice to my body
letting it out
hearing it
accepting it

how hard can it be to say to a dear friend "you know last night when you said 'your dodgy website' I felt judged and it hurt"? I broke a sweat while it was not warm, tears came up to my eyes when she explained she had thought about it and not only apologised but gave me a quick hug too... and the tears were saying "i'm so sorry that i may have caused you some embarrassment, discomfort or awkwardness by saying how I feel, me who is a nobody, i'm ashamed of my boldness, please forgive me"...
Well, pretty hard it was...

But then, how liberated I felt for the rest of the evening!! I had gained a sense of self worth and no one can ever take that from me, except the judge within. Because of course that's also what happened... her words woke up my inner judge big time and he took her words for himself ans had a go at me. So the hard bit in telling her these words, really, was a mean of telling my inner judge I did not like his attitude and in some way to say that i do not accept it.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed

Carl Jung

good bye

Good bye my friend
ear dutiful and pleasing girl.
You have served me well
I am grateful, ever so

Your time is up though...

I can stand on my own feet
Listen to my inner voice and
Make it heard
Be truer to myself in earnest

Your time is up

My dearest mask i can take off
Worn out by all these years
No longer needed
My real face I show to the world
Without shame, with pride

Your time is up dearest
Good bye.

"My river changed face according to seasons
Frozen in 2007 is the fear of creating beauty
Flowing in 2008 is the welcoming home of masculine and feminine in my body
Dancing together for the senses"

it's just getting bigger... and bigger...

two and a half weeks and only now do I notice that the wind must have got stronger already back then... it happened far beyond the horizon and I didn't see it maybe also because I'd been falling low... but it's been building up stronger and stronger ever since, without me noticing.

the first highly formed waves have come crashing against the shore already... as an premise of a much bigger storm on its way? is my boat sea-worthy? I'm too far out to head back to safety to the harbour...

the biggest conscious test just gone seems now to have been only a few ripples on the surface compared to what is making its way toward me, as ancestral rage and hate surface from the deepest and darkest places and nothing will be stopping them this time. I'm prepared and terrified as I know it's the only way out and there's no escape. Not this time!

I can do with love, prayers, hugs, all good intentions...

an oasis in the desert

desert crossing is always a challenge

silence
long days
aloneness
vastness
humility
test
strong sun

coming closer is an oasis

shadowy
full of life
water
colours
peace
rest

i can say good bye

therapeutic tears... thank you.

I am grateful I can easily stop, cry and listen.
Two weeks ago they were begging "don't go, stay, please! my heart hurts too much!!"
Two weeks later and a quick online chat, they asked for a proper good bye, then said good bye
genuinely, meaning what it says on the tin "GOOD" bye...

Once again I have seen T. as Other and not "simply" as an image of myself in the surface of the lake... But the pain is such that I have come in contact and retreated fast again. Hopefully next time will come sooner than last and will be less painful. And the time after that sooner and less painful still...

yet however painful, after i retreat it feels like a victory for Love with a capital "L", not petty love with a small "l". This is a reason to celebrate!

ahhhhh, Spring!!

welcome to Spring, time of newness ...

yes to the flowers
yes to the tender green grass and leaves of all shapes
yes to the temperature-closer-to-summer-than-april-time
yes to the snow inviting itself for the day

i love the impredictability as it keeps reminding me to be humble

making space for the Goddesses inside

day trip to Paris.
needed to raise to the occasion.
calling on the Goddess Athena
needed her present, ambitious, clear and quick minded and rational.
present she was, pleased to be on stage and play the part again
she sent out excellent vibes
then sent in the emotional bill!

loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, invisibility, ugliness...

"of course!" I think hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand.
dear cold, calculating, planning Athena
leaves a trail of emotional vacuum
and my inside half, three-quarter (or more?) dead!

dead!? when Paris offers
romance and sensuality
love and sex
as well as car horns
deafening underground
quiet, stunning Cour carrée du Louvre
and improvised, delightful opera soprano
in the warm early Spring evening sun.
connecting with the beauty of the site
not allowed,
'cos i'm worth it, remember?

in the end,
thanked Athena for her help
asked her to step down
til next time.
let go of emotional memories
anchored in my body
and a smile being drawn on my face.

what is time anyway?

10 days
a split second
an eternity
and still no clear answer to my question...

10 days
one minute yes
no the next
and still stuck in a clear confusion

half excited, half terrified

More and more I am discovering facets of who I am...
I try to say to the world that I am like this when really, if I take responsibility for my actions, I am more like that - or at least, I am ALSO like that...

I am fine with it
I am not fine with it
Where am I?
Who am I?
What do I want?
What do I need?

Is this REALLY me?
At the moment, yes.
Am going over the top or is it simply who I am?
I don't have the answer at this very time...

one big lesson

If only one thing I have learnt over the last week:

I have value for myself,
I can support, love, be present, listen, care for myself,
Being alone does not equate being worthless

choices...

Went to my regular 5Rhyhthms dance class on Monday night.
It was a difficult choice to make - be with myself and let my body and the emotions stored in her simply BE, or go home and hide and "forget" all evening on my computer...

Was clearly shown the weekend before Easter that I must let go of my own Past before opening up to a new future.
It is my choice to let it go - does it still nourish me and do I want to cling onto it to make the current experiences "real", or say NO to the old attitudes that are nowhere near reality...

Learnt and practiced soul retrieval in last weekend's component of a 1-year shamanic training.
I have the choice to believe that the event that unfolded 48h later are related to the soul piece that was brought back to me, or not...

The last week has clearly exposed my deep deep sense aloneness. The outer storm brought me on me knees, crying in pain and despair.
I had the choice to call upon my analyst or very close friends to cry on their shoulders for gaining outer support, or stay alone, listen to what my tears need to communicate and bring support from within...


Do we only learn big lessons in times of difficulty or conflict?

Elle et moi (2) - English

She's back
I've begged her not to leave me
She's heard my despair
She's staying

Probation period
To know one another again
Communication resumed
She wants always more
From me

Presence in the now
Attention and care
Gentleness and tenderness
Clear boundaries
Ability to make demands
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart

In return
She'll give me
Presence in the now
Centeredness
Sense of empowerment
Ability to transform
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart

And much much more...

contradictions

Often i've got a voice deep within that tells me "no, don't, it's not the right thing/person/location..." and I dismiss it... I don't want to hear it, it's a hinderance more than anything else - or so ego2 thinks.
Interestingly I don't have any memories of a voice deep within saying "yeah, go for it" when ego2 dismisses it because it doesn't want to go for it because of x, y or z....


It must have heppened though and I'm curious to start noticing those moments...

quote

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?

Nietzsche

going alone

as I find myself very much alone... (dare I say lonely?) i note that the world is conspiring for me to go back within... I believe this is no coincidence about the timing of what happened in the last 2 or 3 weeks. As if the world had made sure I was prepared for what was coming to hit me...

It "all" started when I got a strong call to go back to my grand-parents house in Brittany. I knew I needed to go alone even though I had no idea what the purpose was. I didn't have any other intention than to remain open to what would come to me. I stayed for 2.5 days and the messages I got were clear - let go of your own story and history (different from forgetting or denying or giving it up!); the strong feeling of being home in this place in the physical world, take with you and make yourself your home so that it is with you at all times;

as I came back to London with a few more days off, my psychoanalyst had gone on holiday for a few weeks, something that hadn't happened for a really long time; my dear friend I. had gone to SA for a few weeks, too, for his own journey; my dear friend R. has been working in York for a while now and it's not always straight forward to meet at weekends; Yet I was excited also because it'd been a couple of weeks since I last met T. and thought we'd meet soon... I was wrong and the timing of him calling a day on something that had never really started but in which I had invested a lot could not be more difficult (or appropriate, depending on whic way you look at it...). From being and needing to be alone, I felt (and needed to feel?) lonely...

Of course I could have chosen to email my analyst, to call my friends, to cry and ask for support... but deep down I knew i needed to go alone, to let myself fall into the darkest tunnel full of ghosts of past and present times... After a first terrifying 24h filled with excrutiating physical pain and a sense of complete desperation, it is as if I got used to the darkness and as I accepted it, made friend with it, the fall slowed down, even stopped for short periods of times... before picking up speed again! I believe that the sweetness and gentleness of this man increased not only the speed of my fall but also the pain that I experienced: there was no blanket of anger or resentment to be hiding behind this time making the whole experience full blast!! "Funny" enough, I believe this is the best gidt I could give myself!

I have often thought in the past that the men I liked were not available... I know now that most of the time, I was not available, however strong and loud I claimed the opposite!!! This time, i do not know and I will live the question, as well as leave it open...

right here and right now

I feel my heart, strong in my chest, I am at peace

In 2 seconds my mind will wonder off to a sweet memory or something that will not be and my whole body will cry

Ten minutes after that I might be well at peace again

This pain i have never experienced, or should i say my mind has no memory of anything similar... Anyone read Harry Potter or the Northern Lights trilogy? The terror I experience resembles that described in the sucking by the dementors or that by the spectres... dragging me to a place beyond any word where I feel dead - I talk, I work, I go through the motion, I can even laugh and sound merry but there's noone home because the home, my home, I've let it been sucked away... There's only darkness, emptiness, invisibility, cold and loneliness left.

In this deepest fear that can only happen at a cellular level, there's no anger, no resentment, no blame, no guilt and no shame. There's a prayer mixed in with the tears crashing on my chest, "don't leave me it hurts too much" and a desperate call "i'll do better, I'll change, I'll learn how to please, please give me another chance"... but is it him that I'm begging to stay or is it my home sweet home that i'd given him? In other words, am I in love with him or with the relationship which made me feel whole?

I believe I know the answer.

an eye opener...

torn to pieces
excrutiating pain
of not being met
of not being loved
for no other reason than being me

ego2 goes to war
inviting anger
letting in resentment
for no other reason than avoiding the pain

imprinted into each and all cells
my body remembers
screaming with despair
willing to accept anything
for a promise that the pain will go never to return

the well's wide mouth's
showing its cold darkness
i know its slippery sides
no where to hold onto

falllllllllllllllllllllllllllling
back in time
the separation is ancient
the pain is real and present
no escape but to feel

ego1 comes to the rescue
loving presence
allowing the sobbing
welcoming the tantrum
of little claire re-living her most painful wound

separation re-enacted
with love, respect and gentleness
making it more painful
for the lack of ennemy

two stories
gotten mixed up
letting go the Ancient
opening new eyes to the most recent

two stories
tied to one another
for now
untangled tomorrow

A little reminder...

If and when I genuinely forgive myself, i can take a few breaths into my belly, relax my jaw, my knees and my hips and send a loving feeling inward...

my heart feels alive

falling in love

i fall in love more and more often
twice over the last 10 days

the first time it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my rib-cage
then i'd forgotten between the first and second time
and just now it feels like I'm being alive

both times I have fallen in love with my wounded inner child
and it's felt very good to be present with her
providing her with space, time, love, presence, gentleness...
she's felt that she exists at last and that her wound is real
that she's being taken seriously

she's felt alive
and when she feels that way, so do I...

be present, here and now...

easier said than done.

yet
I've committed to it
signed a contract with myself... which I need to put under my face again and again and again
with gentleness

Quote

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves

Confucius

grandir, c'est mourir un peu...

Comme à chaque fois que je « dois » prendre une décision importante, j’y pense pendant longtemps, je tergiverse, je tourne et retourne la situation dans tous les sens, « est-ce vraiment ce que je veux, ce dont j’ai besoin…. » Et puis un beau jour, tout est limpide, simple et les étapes de préparation s’enchaînent sans heurt. Alors quand j’ai pensé pour la première fois à venir à Port-Blanc, et que je “savais” que je devais faire seule ce retour aux sources, ça a rendu la situation un peu plus compliquée, mais finalement sans grande conséquence…

Si au moment de la mort de Bonne-mam’ j’ai eu de nombreux « c’est la dernière fois… », cette fois ça a été beaucoup de « j’ai démarré ma route, j’y suis presque… ». Les larmes ont coulé alors que le train partait de London Waterloo, que le Ferry quittait le quai à Portsmouth, que je démarrait la voiture de loc’ à St Malo, que je passais le passage à niveau à la sortie de Guingamp, le panneau de Penvénan sur la route de Tréguier, puis dès la première inspiration à l’entrée dans la cuisine… Cette odeur, cette odeur… c’est la mer, l’humidité, les petits-déjeuners si tardifs que les grands préparent déjà le repas de « midi », le feu de bois, la terre, le vélo rouillé, le renfermé, le pain grillé du matin, le soleil qui souhaite la bienvenue à une nouvelle journée, la marée, le Chouen au fond du jardin, la vase, les crevettes, la pêche aux lançons à la pleine lune et grande marée, le poisson, les bonbons du fond de l’armoire et ceux qui remplissent la soupière, les bottes qui s’alignent sous la fenêtre, les bonjours à la cantonade… cette odeur, c’est tout ça à la fois, et plus encore !

A Dieu Vat, c’est le nom de la maison, c’est « chez moi ». C’est un retour aux sources familiales bien sûr mais surtout, surtout, un retour à l’intérieur de moi-même. Comme si chaque petite (ou grande) action faite dans ce lieu et ses alentours – être assise sur un banc passé le sillon de l’île aux femmes pour profiter du coucher de soleil, me cuisiner un maquereau, une promenade sur les rochers de Trestel à marée descendante, un retour au Gouffre même à marée descendante et par vent d’ouest (je savais que ça ne « sauterait » pas), un aller/retour tout au bout du sillon de Talbert, une excursion à Ploumanac’h – est une nouvelle porte ouverte dans mon chez moi intérieur, une autorisation à être, à sentir, à écouter, à entendre, à découvrir, à connaître, à aimer, à vivre… Paradoxalement, quand une porte est ouverte, il n’a plus moyen de faire marche arrière et mon corps le sent et le sait. Une petite part d’innocence s’envole et rapidement n’est plus. Et les larmes coulent. Et chaque larme versée est une petite mortde ce qui fut mais n’est plus, car j’accepte de grandir, de prendre la place qui est la mienne dans cette vie qui se dessine tous les jours avec un peu plus de clarté. Oh c’est sûr, il y a toujours une voix qui fait tout pour m’empêcher de grandir et elle a bien failli réussir, « n’y vas pas seule, les soirées vont être longues et un peu lugubre dans cette grande maison que tu as toujours connue pleine, en été… ». J’ai fini par succomber à cette voix et soumis l’invitation à deux amis, l’un après l’autre, mais elle n’a pas eu gain de cause, mes amis ne pouvaient venir !

Il devait être écrit quelque part dans l’univers que je devais faire ce pèlerinage seule… L’heure de laisser une partie de mon histoire derrière moi avait sans doute sonné !

Initiation to womanhood

Returning Home
Like the prodigal son
Finding new strength
Deep inside the womb’s safety

Seeing much loved old places
For the first time
Filling the breeze of old air
In new lungs

Feeling the roughness of old rocks
With the softness of new baby’s fingers
Tasting the freshness of old food
With new lips and tongue
Hearing the old music of the waves
Through new eardrums

Riding an elastic rubber band
Venturing to the “dangerous out there”
By following my instincts
Deep inside my core
Before
Rushing back to the “safety”
Of my thoughts
Locked inside my brain cortex
Out
A little further
Back
To recharge…

Steps of Initiation
Buckets of tears running down
Pain of letting go of the old
Fear and excitement of letting in the unknown

Steps of Initiation
Into a new age – letting go of my story

Elle et moi

Ecrit il y a 18 ans, alors inconsciente des mots posés sur le papier, ce poème prend toute sa valeur dans ma vie d'aujourd'hui... quelqu'un l'a entendu --- c'est moi

Pourquoi j'ai le cafard?
Je n'ai pas de nouvelles.
Pourquoi je broie du noir?
Je m'éloigne d'elle.

Elle c'est moi
et moi c'est elle.
Elle ne me connait pas
Je ne sais rien d'elle.

Elle est une étrangère
Je ne me reconnais plus.
Comme un bibelot sur une étagère
Qu'on a assez vu.

Que doit-on faire d'elle?
Je me sens mal.
Comment me rapprocher d'elle
Sans me faire encore plus de mal?

Rien ni personne ne m'arrête.
J'ai perdu toute ma confiance
En ce qui va apparaître
Et en ceux qui me font des avances.

Je tends les mains
A qui veut les prendre.
Elle espère que demain
Quelqu'un va l'entendre.

clairem --- 16 fév 1990

learning, forgetting, learning again, forgetting again...

reading back some posts from the early days of my blog... wow, strong stuff I wrote there sometimes. beautiful, too...

what I read, though, is how much life I learn, get a "Ah-ha!", live in it for a while, and then drift out and forget. Yet it often was the most important thing of all, the sweetest discovery, the feeling of being home at long last... and I forget. Only to re-learn the "same" thing again a few weeks, months or a couple of years later! And the funny thing is that it feels like a groundbreaking discovery again. I have only a vague memory, something like "yes, i sort of remember then, i felt it was quite important", followed by "but right now it's kind of a different league of feelings all together".... well it's not.

I remember how my gran' used to say "to remember something for ever, you have to learn it 7 times, and forget it 6 times in between"... I don't know about 7 times... a life time process, that's for sure! :)

implosion

I said "I can't be asked"
something snapped!
I disconnected
my mind went blank

my heart burns
each drop of blood has turned to stone
even tears refuse to overflow

yet I feel a massive struggle inside
the volcano is rumbling hard
will it be lava running free on its slope
will it be an explosion

i've got no idea what's causing this
i'm in it, so much so that i'm blinded
i feel that my words won't come to my rescue this time
they're only taking me away
the talking will take place another way

merci bon'-mam'

L'année avant la mort de Bonne-maman, j'avais le coeur serré chaque fois que je la quittais : "est-ce la dernière fois ?", "la reverrais-je ?" Et le miracle se reproduisait encore, et encore, et encore quand je prenais le temps de passer à Paris. Puis elle a finalement quitté ce monde humain et du visible début décembre. Mes larmes coulaient à flots sur mes joues chaudes et laissaient des cratères de sel le long des aisselles du nez quand je me disais: : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Sur son lit, elle était petite, légèrement défigurée et son nez m'apparut immense dans son visage creusé mais paisible. Le personnel des pompes funèbres est arrivé pour l'installer dans son cerceuil. En quittant la chambre, les larmes coulaient quand je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Elle m'apparut encore plus petite et encore plus frêle dans cette boîte en beau bois clair, un linceul portant ses initiales, la dernière demeure d'un corps qui avait fini par abandonner après de longues années de bons et loyaux services. Lorsque le policier en civil a scellé le cercueil, les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

C'est honorée et aimée qu'elle entra dans l'église, portée sur les épaules fortes de ses fils et beaux-fils et les larmes de l'assemblée. Elle avait elle-même choisi les textes pour son propre départ, espérant sans doute qu'ils l'aident à s'envoler vraiment, à libérer son âme de cette réalité terrestre transitoire. On a ri d'entendre les souvenirs de ses enfants et petits-enfants, tous faisant allusion à la boîte à gâteaux et à bonbons de l'armoire du salon. Puis elle repartit dans l'autre sens, vers son dernier voyage, et les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Le soleil chaud du mois de décembre était présent à Port-Blanc pour l'inhumation. La descente du cercueil dans le caveau, où elle rejoignait son mari parti 10 ans plus tôt, a fait coulé les larmes et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Puis je suis allée me tremper et libérer mes poumons dans cette eau bretonne tant aimée. Ma tante M. m'a dit "ca ressemble à un baptême"... Ah, oui, tiens, je n'y avais pas pensé. Aujourd'hui, avec le recul, j'y vois non seulement un baptême, mais aussi une naissance. Le jour où bon'-mam' a été mise en terre est le jour où ma vie a été transformée. Une vie nouvelle s'est dessinée devant moi.

Comme si un voile s'était déchiré, révélant une réalité jusqu'à présent cachée
J'ai accepté de grandir et d'être initiée, de m'aimer toute entière, enfin,
J'ai accepté l'immense pouvoir qui m'a été donné d'être femme, de le vivre, de le dire, de le danser,
Je franchis une nouvelle ligne de départ chaque jour un peu différente et un peu pareille.

Je ne me suis jamais sentie aussi vivante, vibrante, aimante, présente, patiente, attentive, sensible...

Is this love?

Finding the courage to be seen
Challenging the fear to be exposed
Allowing myself to be vulnerable

Finding the right name in my contacts
Pushing the green button
Stopping the time between each ring
Allowing my heart to skip a beat at the sound of that deep voice...

Is it?

"The dream is a little hidden door in the innermost and most secret recesses of the soul opening into that cosmic night which was psyche long before there was any ego-consciousness and which will remain psyche no matter how far our ego-consciousness extends."

Carl Jung

Narcissus

(Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio)

Like Narcissus
I kept leaning above the still, mirror-like waters
Like Narcissus
I kept trying to seduce the reflected image of myself
I was in love with this image
Except that I didn't recognise it as my own
And I saw it everywhere, in everyone

I have loved
many times and many people
Or did I?
Have I loved the reflected image of myself
many times and in many people.
It sounds more like it

At this very moment the time of
judgment has gone
shame is forgotten
guilt has dissolved
compassion has been born
Instead

Accepting that Other
Breathes
Hurts
Rejoices
Tires
In a word
Exists
NOT for me

Allowing that my heart
Loves Other
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites Other

Allowing that my heart
Receives love
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites myself

Like Narcissus
I have kissed my lips and touched the truth
Unlike him though
Loving myself allows me to love Other
Freely

I'm living exciting times

stepping out and diving in
is the story of my life

different intensities keeping me here and there
various attractions taking me there and back
multiple forces throwing me in and out

i'm observing different centres, all part of me
the socially accepted
the terribly anxious
the excited longing
the peaceful and quiet
the warm loving
the sexually open
...

playing hide and seek
I get lost
before
I find a new yet unknown centre

story of little clairem

Tonight and most of today, "I" has been a worthless and anxious little claire, feeling abandoned, longing for an answer that is not coming and making up all kind of stories, postponing deadlines to give him one more chance and try to find some peace. The fact that I am checking hopelessly my inbox every 3 seconds prevents any kind of peace to settle though..

Yet there are moments when I can centre myself, remain with little claire and love her, reassure her and make her feel how worthy and loveable she is. It lasts the time it lasts, usually not very long and it is an ongoing and endless process. Or so it feels... Yet after a whole day and a long evening at home (been back since 5pm) I feel that "I" is changing. Little claire is still very close by but she's no longer my omnipresent centre. As if the love had been enough - for this time - and she could accept to grow, come out of under a dark, wet blanket of shame (= I cannot be loved) and finally separate the longing and the anxiety...

I still want to see him but I don't feel crushed by an overwhelming need to know what's going on in his head. At the moment it's more like "i'm looking forward to hearing from him" than "i can't wait and this silence is killing me"

power of dreams...

I woke up this morning with the strong intention - planned - to get up a little early and meditate for 15 minutes or so before heading off to work. As I threw my feet then legs out of the warm sheets and sat on the side of my bed, head in hands, I suddenly had this flash in my head of an elusive dream I had just had.

feeling of warmth in the air, as if summer, a few people/friends (?) standing having a drink and a good time when I see my boss in shorts and bare-chested with a beer in his hand, having a laugh and being very relaxed with everyone, part of the group I think. It is a bit of a shock!

I felt good each time I remembered this image. It allowed me to be excited again about tomorrow evening, to go dancing tonight and be carried by my dance and to come back home and feel good. As if a missing bit had just come back to me to help complete the giant jigsaw puzzle...

a random winter sunday

beautiful winter day
cold and sunny
sunny and cold

people were out, on their feet, their bikes, on their prams, with sticks... some running, ipod strapped on their arm, change in their pockets, praparing for the London Marathon? Definitely some seemed to NOT enjoy the experience.

I was out. not where i'd planned, but still along the water. and the tide of the great river thames. It was a lovely day and I made the most of it. Yet I can't say I had a lovely day... was I going out to enjoy myself? to escape from my computer and the phone? was I expecting a call that never came? and so I went, whatever the reason(s). I am pleased I went. But I was not fully present to the moment. at least most of the time.

neither here nor there
i don't know what to do with myself
and so i observe
at least I try
but i never really know which "I" is talking, being the observer, feeling the feelings...
I feel exhausted just trying to get the full/clear picture...

more questions than answers...

I feel very lost yet I know deep down that the path is taking me somewhere still unknown... and I feel that ultimately I am safe, because I know there will be pitfalls...

does it make sense? does it matter if it does (or not)?

I go about with some short moments of crystal clear clarity lost into long periods of dense fog. Exhaustion is not long to show up when I fight to find my way through it and then I sit down and want to give it all up (on the surface at least)... I know it's not the way to go about it yet I still do

I feel mutiple
there's no unity
not knowing how to relate
acting one way one day
compensating and overreacting the next
it's all coming at me
i've no control

who am I?

self-congratulation

i can keep my own secrets
i am keeping a big one
i am patting myself on the back

things need nurturing before they can get born healthy
if they're out before their time, it's like an abortion
keeping them in feels empowering

i feel worthy
"well done clairem"

les jours s'enchaînent et ne se ressemblent pas...

sur le toit du monde
de mon monde
pas dans les étoiles
ni au septième ciel
les pieds bien sur terre
ancrés
dans la clarté absolue
d'un paysage lavé
d'un coeur grand ouvert
sûr et confiant

merci

Plus rien qui marche

Une pièce finie
Coup de blues
Sorti de nulle part
Disparaître
Eteindre ce coeur incandescent qui se consumme
Rien qui marche

Tristesse
Peur
Colère
Entremêlées
Les vieilles échappatoires sont toutes usées
Rien qui marche

Barrage
Bâtisse
Château-fort
Vite fait, bien fait
Je tente en vain d'en reconstruire les hauts murs
Rien qui marche

Larmes
Hoquets
Caresses Inattendues et bienvenues
Les fondations se dissolvent
Plus rien qui marche

2 smiles tonight

home on a friday evening with no plans except rest and laze around...

then a phone call from my friend I. who'd said he had plans elsewhere... "I don't feel like going, do you want to go for a drink?" This is so rare in London to actually feel like going out when i've already come home... but yes, I do feel like having a chat with him.

I start my dinner when msn calls me. My friend T. just passing by and wishing me a good evening (and more) while on his way out elsewhere, too... Very sweet!

I feel blessed to have these friends

Good evening to everyone!

one thing to remember

... at the time I identify with it and therefore it escapes me...

I've got two egos

The first I've always known, grew up with, and she determined until very recently who I thought I was. That ego is as rigid as a wall, hates grey areas, holds onto principles, juges with-in and with-out, justifies herself on all topics, needs to be right and heard and honoured and praised and loved at ALL times! She needs recognition, to be put up there as THE special one - pretty, witty, funny, tanned... - you name it and it must be acknowledged as the best. She is addicted to perfection and therefore the glass is always half empty. She can't accept recognition or love given to her because she feels that she doesn't desserve acknowledgment and if it is given, surely it must be out of pity. Not compassion. Because she would have done better, gone higher, run faster, if only X, Y or Z... And for these exact reasons, there is never enough recognition, acknowledgment, love, praise... Sadly, there's no way out and it's a lose-lose situation

The second is emerging and getting stronger, more present, centered, introverted (in Jungian terms, i.e. what is meaningful to her comes from within, as opposed to extraverted type for whom meaningfulness comes from without). More genuine, more feminine, more allowing, more confident, more trusting, she doesn't need to be control-freak or to receive constant reminders of her worth from without - she knows it from inside, there's no need for extra. Yet if these extras are coming her way, she welcomes them and lets them in. She doesn't feel the need to convince other that her opinion IS the right one and she doesn't take herself too seriously.

The struggle has started a while back now but only last weekend did I experience it full blast and only yesterday did I understand it. Dictator has gone to war but gets lost in the middle of a battle when her opponent doesn't show up or sends sweet wine, flowers or an apology card instead...

I know I'll get thrown back and forth from one to the other, again and again; I'll identify with one then the other, again and again... but I also know now that there will be moments, possibly more and more frequent and intense when somehow "I" will step back and be a spectator, or an investigator of what is happening inside me. These are exciting time (nb2) even if they sometimes feel overwhelmingly depressing as I look at the height of the mountain to climb (nb1)...

like a wave coming and leaving on the shore
so is my heart being pushed against my back cold and burning simultaneously
so are my tears - coming in then leaving...

if I listen long enough
they talk to me about love
and I cry harder

separation is taking place
with the accompanying pain
and a nascent flavour of deep joy

I am terrified to love and be loved

good luck wishes...

it worked the first time around
it'll have taken an awful long time to happen again
but here i am and it will tonight

I'm very excited and nervous...

on my need to be mothered...

I generally approach new chosen situations with excitment - sometimes apprehension, too - and that "everything is going to change, life will be better, I can start again from scratch..." attitude!
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.

But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.

i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!

I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...

... de moi à vous à moi...

je savais que je n'aimais pas les conflits...
je savais que je n'aimais pas les explications brutes, sans que des pincettes ne soient prises et des "je suis désolée..." ne soient prononcés...
Je savais que j'avais peur des rencontres, car elles peuvent mener - et mènent forcément, à un point donné - à des opinions et des conflits ayant besoin d'être exprimés...

depuis quelques semaines, quelques mois, ou quelques années
les présences de chacun s'intensifiaient
ces rencontres se faisaient plus fréquentes - à deux ou à sept -
certaines plus que d'autres
ne se rencontrant pas forcément car déphasées

des choses sont en train de s'écrire, de se dire
de l'un aux autres, de l'autre aux uns
des étincelles et des feux d'artifices pour Clairette
des braises incandescentes trop chaudes pour Clairon

Clairon qui ne veut rien entendre
persil dans les oreilles et peaux de sauc' devant les yeux
réclame le status quo - celui d'hier, pas d'aujourd'hui
"on va tous être d'accord, pas la peine de s'engueuler"
des larmes de désespoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et je veux que vous m'aimiez comme j'en ai besoin - ne changeons rien"

Clairette qui est prête à grandir
se réjouit que certains silences s'achèvent
et que les graines soient plantées au moment des grands froids hivernaux
"on va pouvoir grandir ensemble, c'est chouette"
des larmes d'espoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et j'accepte nos différences - parlons-en, échangeons"

pride...

did i put it on like a fancy dress that fitted so well that I never wanted to take it off? what's been hiding behind and who's been protected (and jailed) behind those bars? What do those bars look like?
some cracks have appeared today.
things happen without me planning them.
more tears coming up.
i don't hear what they're saying just yet: because I'm not listening or because it's an unknown language? or both?

learning to be loved...

it feels good to meet, to really meet someone. It feels even better when that someone is a close and "loved" one as we commonly say.

So why does it bring tears?
What is the expansion and constriction that my heart feels?
Why is it so difficult to accept to be loved and let it in?
Why do I need to justify my existance every so often? "I am here... this is who I am... I have principles... this is what I think and I want to convince you... I am right, always or I get angry..."
Why is it so hard to breathe in the belly, relax the jaw and let the Earth carry my weight?

I do know some answers to these questions and yet I sometimes can't live them consciously... But I am grateful that some days as I note that I have gone into automatic mode (going fast, justifying my existance...) I am able to be gentle with myself and come back to the feminine within - allowing... This bring tears and inner peace.

These days, I know I've got a massive challenge in front of me. I feel the weight of it and I feel it bring me down from time to time. I don't know if I'll go through this time. But I'm confident that if it's not for this spiral of life it'll be for the next or the one after that...

more ah-has...

Another Monday night... Another dance... Another experience...

I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...

Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.

I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.

Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...

Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!

I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...

Ah-ha!!

The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.

Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...

Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:

thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities

conflicting emotions

A man I have met a few weeks ago and who I would like to already consider a friend happen to go through the pain and distress of accompanying his mum as she slowly dies ...

I wish I could relieve him of some of the pain yet I know I cannot and that it is not necessarily desirable either... I personally would have hated anyone trying to stop me feeling the pain of the death of my grand-mother or the tears that inondated my cheeks and came crashing onto my chest... so I will do my utmost to make sure I don't try to alleviate someone else's pain if I haven''t been asked explicitely.

Still Clairon feels powerless and sad not to be able or allowed to act as a sponge soaking up his distress so that he can be ok... And Clairette feels alive and pleased to live her own life and not someone else's... somewhere in the middle I feel an immense compassion

grandir... c'est dur mais c'est chouette!

Après un déclic qui m’a permis de trouver l’énergie nécessaire à la construction de mes étagères de rêves – et le plus beau c’est qu’après construction, elles y ressemblent presque !!!! – j’ai commencé à me sentir chez moi. Un chez moi devenu un peu plus spacieux à la suite du processus d’éventration systématique des cartons de bouquins qui gisaient au milieu du « salon », à moitié morts depuis la mi-septembre…

Et puis, tout comme « l’argent appelle l’argent », j’ai réalisé que l’espace doit appeler l’espace… Du salon, je suis passée à la chambre et ai fait le tri de mes fringues. Trois tas : à donner, à jeter, à garder… En quelques heures, je me suis sentie légère, légère, légère, tout comme le professeur Tournesol !

La suite j’en ai raconté un peu au fur et à mesure, mais pas beaucoup en français. Et la sémantique change d’une langue à l’autre. Je ne dis pas les mêmes sentiments, j’insiste plus ou moins sur tel ou tel épisode d’une situation donnée… Le 6 décembre, bonne-maman a quitté ce monde, quitté ce corps frêle qui lui causait tellement de douleur et de tourments depuis quelques mois. Loin d’être une surprise, ce départ m’a tout de même été très douloureux physiquement. Mon corps et chacune de mes cellules ont dit leur douleur. Des moments d’extrême désespoir accompagnés de larmes de crocodiles se succédant à des moments de paix et de silence intérieur.

Au cours des quelques jours qui ont suivi, les moments familiaux de joies et de fête d’anniversaire se sont juxtaposés à ceux des adieux autour d’un corps inerte et rapetissé d’une grand-mère bien-aimée. J’ai trouvé le courage - insoupçonné ? - de demander le soutien dont j’avais besoin par mots à certains ou par gestes à d’autres, et j’ai eu la chance et le douloureux bonheur de découvrir qu’on me l’offrait très volontiers… Est-il donc si facile d’aimer et d’être aimé ? Suffit-il de demander ? J’ai su m’ouvrir un peu plus, m’exposer et montrer qui je suis avec le risque ou plutôt la peur - encore fortement ancrée (et encrée ?) dans une mémoire cellulaire, ancestrale ou autre - de me faire rejeter…

Ces quelques jours intenses en émotions ont été rapidement suivis des fêtes de Noël, et d’une semaine supplémentaire passée en France, en famille. J’ai découvert l’importance de la famille, j’ai ressenti le besoin d’être entourée et j’ai poussé encore un peu plus loin cette ouverture, « voilà qui je suis ». Je sens que son décès m’a poussé à grandir, d’un coup, sans prévenir. Et c’est bon.

Happy New Year/Bonne année

This is it! Cette fois, ça y est!
In London at least, we've left behind 2007, closed a new door then opened a new one and entered 2008. What it will bring or how it will bring it is open to speculation, questions, bets even for some...
Au moins à Londres, et à Paris une heure avant, on a laissée 2007 derrière nous, refermé gentillement la porte et ouverte une autre pour entrer de plein pied dans 2008. Ce qu'elle nous apportera, comment elle nous l'apportera reste encore un mystère ...

For now, as I'm preparing to go to bed soon, I want to say how grateful I am for the year just gone and I want to already say thank you for what will come my way in the next 12 months.
à l'heure qu'il est, alors que je ne vais pas tarter à aller me coucher, j'ai envie de dire ma gratitude pour cette année écoulée et je veux aussi dire merci pour tout ce que je erncontrerai sur mon chemin au cours des 12 prochains mois.

I wish you all the very best year, open to possibilities, to open eyes, ears, smells, tastes and touches, welcoming also the unexpected...
Je vous souhaite à tous et chacun la meilleure année, remplie de possibilités, en gardant les yeux, les oreilles, les narines, les papilles gustatives et le toucher ouverts pour souhaiter la bienvenue même à l'inattendu...