i is all i have

this is not bad
that is not good

this is i
that is i, too
and
i can not be bad not good
i simply is

and i must add an adjective
i is real
whether i like it or not

so i'd better like it
cos' i is all i have



(and I wish this image was bigger but I can't be bothered to rework on it....)
......

not good nor bad

how can this be not good nor bad?
or that be not right nor wrong?

I do this and I hate myself for it
I do that and I love myself for it

I do this and I risk be rejected for it
so this is bad
I am bad
this part of me that does this is bad
I end up hating her

I do that and I'm being loved for it
so that is good
I am good
that part of me that does that is good
I end up sticking around with her

yet they're both me, aren't they?
how on Earth can I live hating some part of me?
slow
without answer
lethargic
angry
stressed
short-fused
tired
driven
and many more....

learning to not judge, not fly away, not repress, not move, learning to listen and be
remembering again and again, this is not bad and that is not good - it's an illusion

une journée pas comme les autres

ce n'est pourtant pas un grand
de ceux avec un zéro
il aurait pu passer presque inaperçu
comme une lettre à la poste...

mais non!
à la place, il a ouvert grand les portes
laissé entrer le premier soleil printanier d'avant garde
il a convié des amis/es de tellement longue date
que je les avais presque oubliés/es

et quelles retrouvailles!!
une grande douceur, avec une petite pointe de peur
une grande rigolade, à quelques bonnes paires de boutades
enfin une belle présence, ici et maintenant

la journée est passée, puis la soirée
il a laissé les portes ouvertes
et les amis/es semblent vouloir rester
ils/elles se sentent accueilis/es et pleins d'énergie!

une belle journée d'anniversaire!!!

a different birthday

38th birthday!
a threshold
a portal
an open gate

prepared slowly
in depth
without rush

in the present
yesterday
today and
tomorrow

possibilities
transformations
openness

reset
new lease of life
happy birthday
and beyond!

breakthrough after breakthrough

I'm living a dream these days
ok sometimes it turns a bit into nightmar-ish dream kind of thing where fear and frozeness take over
but even then!

i watch myself being in that state
i seem to identify less to whatever emotion turns up
there seems to be more fluidity
in the relationship to myself and to others

i experienced something beautiful today
when an well known kind of anger and rage submerged me for a while because X asked me to do something that I thought was ridiculous in terms of wasted time and ressources
but then for some reason, I actually got out of it and focussed on how to change X's idea, in a creative way rather than the bull's way

and it kind of worked!!!!!!!!!!!!

we met in the middle and although I wasn't too happy to feel that I was wasting time, the rage had just gone!

Clairem this is unheard of.
Well done (gentle tap on the shoulder and the back)

cold blood

january 2009 is over and done with
already!!!

and what a month it's been!
adjusting to a new boss
and new methods of working
taking in a new training
and a new weekly schedule
sticking to my new resolution
and listening to my body

recording a few big dreams
feeling my well guarded borders
that don't let anyone in
watching the crocus blossom
and the snow fall silently on cold ground

I've grown his month
I've not been kicked out of the garden of Eden
No, this time
I've kicked myself out
of a false comfort zone

Yes, outside it is terrifying
but this is where real life is
and i will now live in it
in the world of warm blood