i is all i have

this is not bad
that is not good

this is i
that is i, too
and
i can not be bad not good
i simply is

and i must add an adjective
i is real
whether i like it or not

so i'd better like it
cos' i is all i have



(and I wish this image was bigger but I can't be bothered to rework on it....)
......

cycles

squeezed between
tears
and
laughs

swinging between
music
and
silence

begging for
no
words

terrified by
new
openings

no more
inscape

out
it
must
be

today
tomorrow or
the
day
after

Elle et moi

Ecrit il y a 18 ans, alors inconsciente des mots posés sur le papier, ce poème prend toute sa valeur dans ma vie d'aujourd'hui... quelqu'un l'a entendu --- c'est moi

Pourquoi j'ai le cafard?
Je n'ai pas de nouvelles.
Pourquoi je broie du noir?
Je m'éloigne d'elle.

Elle c'est moi
et moi c'est elle.
Elle ne me connait pas
Je ne sais rien d'elle.

Elle est une étrangère
Je ne me reconnais plus.
Comme un bibelot sur une étagère
Qu'on a assez vu.

Que doit-on faire d'elle?
Je me sens mal.
Comment me rapprocher d'elle
Sans me faire encore plus de mal?

Rien ni personne ne m'arrête.
J'ai perdu toute ma confiance
En ce qui va apparaître
Et en ceux qui me font des avances.

Je tends les mains
A qui veut les prendre.
Elle espère que demain
Quelqu'un va l'entendre.

clairem --- 16 fév 1990

... de moi à vous à moi...

je savais que je n'aimais pas les conflits...
je savais que je n'aimais pas les explications brutes, sans que des pincettes ne soient prises et des "je suis désolée..." ne soient prononcés...
Je savais que j'avais peur des rencontres, car elles peuvent mener - et mènent forcément, à un point donné - à des opinions et des conflits ayant besoin d'être exprimés...

depuis quelques semaines, quelques mois, ou quelques années
les présences de chacun s'intensifiaient
ces rencontres se faisaient plus fréquentes - à deux ou à sept -
certaines plus que d'autres
ne se rencontrant pas forcément car déphasées

des choses sont en train de s'écrire, de se dire
de l'un aux autres, de l'autre aux uns
des étincelles et des feux d'artifices pour Clairette
des braises incandescentes trop chaudes pour Clairon

Clairon qui ne veut rien entendre
persil dans les oreilles et peaux de sauc' devant les yeux
réclame le status quo - celui d'hier, pas d'aujourd'hui
"on va tous être d'accord, pas la peine de s'engueuler"
des larmes de désespoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et je veux que vous m'aimiez comme j'en ai besoin - ne changeons rien"

Clairette qui est prête à grandir
se réjouit que certains silences s'achèvent
et que les graines soient plantées au moment des grands froids hivernaux
"on va pouvoir grandir ensemble, c'est chouette"
des larmes d'espoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et j'accepte nos différences - parlons-en, échangeons"

more ah-has...

Another Monday night... Another dance... Another experience...

I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...

Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.

I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.

Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...

Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!

I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...

Ah-ha!!

The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.

Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...

Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:

thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities

conflicting emotions

A man I have met a few weeks ago and who I would like to already consider a friend happen to go through the pain and distress of accompanying his mum as she slowly dies ...

I wish I could relieve him of some of the pain yet I know I cannot and that it is not necessarily desirable either... I personally would have hated anyone trying to stop me feeling the pain of the death of my grand-mother or the tears that inondated my cheeks and came crashing onto my chest... so I will do my utmost to make sure I don't try to alleviate someone else's pain if I haven''t been asked explicitely.

Still Clairon feels powerless and sad not to be able or allowed to act as a sponge soaking up his distress so that he can be ok... And Clairette feels alive and pleased to live her own life and not someone else's... somewhere in the middle I feel an immense compassion

Clairon et Clairette sont dans un bateau, il pousse les deux à l'eau...

Clairon pleure
Clairette est dans une colère noire
Clairon a vraiment peur
Clairette ne veut pas le savoir

Puis la musique s'enroule autour de leurs corps

Clairon refuse que ça passe
Clairette lui en veut à vie, à mort, à mer
Clairon garde la tête basse
Clairette est entrée en guerre

Puis les notes s'égrennent dans leurs coeurs

Clairon se laisse amadouer
Clairette le previent, "fais tes prières"

Puis le rythme roule et redouble

Clairon se fait oublier
Clairette n'en a que faire
Puis les basses et les aigus viennent frapper plus fort

Clairon et ses larmes ont disparu
Clairette et ses menaces ne sont plus

Puis c'est tout l'orchestre qui donne le tempo
d'une mélodie qui vient caresser un coeur nouveau
Vivant sur un rythme encore inconnu

growing up is dying a little

it's been a week of ups and downs, not too high up and never really deep down but exhausting noneless.

Yet when I'm asked "how are you?" or "how's life treating you?" I don't really know how to answer that. I don't have words. I'm kind of mixed up, confused. A voice within, I believe she's Clairette, is joyful and thankful for all the changes of the last 3 weeks and is basically happy. Another feels like weeping (Clairon!) and makes my heart sink as if a victim of what is happening and in need of help and support. I oscillate between those two (and there might be more, too) and I know that neither of them is right. It doesn't sound like the truth in either case. So what???

I want answers, NOW!!! (Clairon)
Or do I? (Clairette)

I've played Clairon for most of my life and Clairette has only come in very recently. Have I already outgrown the character? What/who is going to come next? I don't know and I don't know how long it will take before i do.

tonight I feel that I may be losing control on "how I want my life to be run". I do not claim that I know the answers because clearly I don't. I accept that others have different opinions and priorities and that it doesn't necessarily serve me. Interestingly it doesn't necessarily desserve me either. I see that I can be patient, present, paying attention to the now... not always so easy to live, though

Still, I've had this week the nicest dream I've ever had since I started recording them night after night for the last 5 years. Peace, freedom, fertile field... there is some positive in the "confusion"

Clairon, Clairette et Co...

Aujourd'hui j'ai entendu une voix de plus.
J'ai découvert plusieurs personnes qui m'étaient encore inconnues.
J'ai remarqué ces chaises utilisées que je croyais vides jusque-là.
J'ai souhaité la bienvenue à bord à ces nouveaux visages.

Après Clairon et Clairette, je viens donc d'être présentée à "Mom" (à défaut de mieux)
Mom jusqu'à ce qu'elle me dise son nom.
Ce pourrait être Demeter, mais elle n'est pas.

P. avait quitté les lieux
Mom a grimpé sur la table pour rejoindre Clairon désespérée
Elle l'a pris dans ses bras, l'a embrassée et s'est allongée à ses côtés.
Elle a laissé parler les sanglots.
Elle a accepté les rechutes.
Par sa présence elle a rassuré ce coeur meurtri.
Sans un mot elle a nettoyé ces plaies inondées de terreur.
Elle a pris le temps nécessaire.
Elle avait toute la vie.

Quand elle s'est trouvé prête, Clairon est revenue s'assoir autour de la table
Mom l'a suivie puis s'est éloignée.

P. a pu retrouver sa place
Et s'est senti apprécié pour ce qu'il est :
Un homme avec qualités et défauts
et ses limites d'être humain.
P. est revenu s'installer
Et s'est senti rassuré :
Son rôle a été redéfini
Il ne lui serait plus demandé de jouer celui qu'il n'aime pas
Etre Roi.

gifts of the storm

there's a lot of pushing and shuffling tonight
there's a storm within my heart and it is felt as far as my guts on one side and my head on the other

Clairon wants to go back to what she knows: fantasies, high up in Rapunzel's tower, away from real life because it is not the way she wants it, it is not the way she dreamt it, it is not the way she was promised it would always be...
she wants reassurance, she wants contracts, she wants feelings set in stone, she wants promises right now and for ever and ever, she wants to be fulfilled, she wants to be loved like in fairytales
Clairon is being very present tonight, like she's stood up onto the table and taking centre stage, at any cost she wants to go back to a miserable life and be seen as a victim to be rescued

on the other side, Clairette feels very small and cannot raise her voice
Clairette is there though, swinging beween the belief that Clairon is right and the knowledge that she's not... and so she goes in and out of under her cloak... when she's hiding, I feel unloved, worthless and desparately hurt... when she's out, there's life, colours, jokes and peaceful hapiness for what I have

i'm grateful i sometimes have the possibility to jump "outside" myself and dissect my emotional storms yet when stuck in the middle of it, it is so very painful

Is this growing up?