22 August 2007

gifts of the storm

there's a lot of pushing and shuffling tonight
there's a storm within my heart and it is felt as far as my guts on one side and my head on the other

Clairon wants to go back to what she knows: fantasies, high up in Rapunzel's tower, away from real life because it is not the way she wants it, it is not the way she dreamt it, it is not the way she was promised it would always be...
she wants reassurance, she wants contracts, she wants feelings set in stone, she wants promises right now and for ever and ever, she wants to be fulfilled, she wants to be loved like in fairytales
Clairon is being very present tonight, like she's stood up onto the table and taking centre stage, at any cost she wants to go back to a miserable life and be seen as a victim to be rescued

on the other side, Clairette feels very small and cannot raise her voice
Clairette is there though, swinging beween the belief that Clairon is right and the knowledge that she's not... and so she goes in and out of under her cloak... when she's hiding, I feel unloved, worthless and desparately hurt... when she's out, there's life, colours, jokes and peaceful hapiness for what I have

i'm grateful i sometimes have the possibility to jump "outside" myself and dissect my emotional storms yet when stuck in the middle of it, it is so very painful

Is this growing up?


lisamoon said...

your words and awareness is wise! is it growing up or growing in? people can grow up and not develop wisdom and self awareness. best to you, lisamoon

clairem said...

lismoon, I did weigh up both terms and opted for growing up as I felt that some people never grow up... they get older but do not learn and therefore never grow up...