01 August 2007

Regression and awareness

I miss P.
He doesn't get in touch often enough to my liking.
I think of him at work.
I imagine what I'll say to him when I see him.
Then my friend R. calls.
I tell her that it is hard.
That I miss him.
But that things are great when we meet.
And so it's ok for a few days.
Then I miss him.
I think of him at work.
She talks to me about H.
For a short while I wonder why I complain.
She hungs up.
I decide to write to her. An email. To expand a little more.
Because I haven't said enough on the phone.
I said it hurts.
Then BAM!! A slap across my face!
It hurts not because I miss him.
It hurts because of my personal story/history.
Silence creates longing.
I feel in love.
In love with the longing.
In love with the suffering.
Because then I'm not lonely.
There's the suffering.
It's a blessing.
Or so I thought for many long years.
I feel tired. Exhausted.
I only want to be in bed.
I need to sleep.
I need to forget.
I need to hide.
I need to feel sorry for myself.
So that he'll come as the Prince Charming .
So that he'll love me.

I would like to hear from P.
Yet I can mother and nurture myself.
I want to stay alive when he doesn't keep in touch.
It hurts and that belongs to me.
I don't send the email to R.


lisamoon said...

reframe. not regression, sweet clairem. deepening into your feeling forces, your strength in vulnerability. clarity. learning. presence. warm enveloping hugs to you, lisamoon

Rosa said...

It sounds so hard... so painful. But it sounds like a self-inflicted pain. Sorry if I didn't listen enough that day (or well enough). I was perturbed myself, but it is not a good excuse.
Love, R.

clairem said...

Thanks Lisamoon for this choice of wording that sounds more positive than regression. Yet regression is how it felt like as I wrote it, as I was being attacked by the negative thought, the drive for perfection and the negative judgment of not learning quickly enough... The feeling changed later, returned, went again, in a kinda waltz. thanks for your warm tenderness,