v'là l'printemps!!

premier samedi de vrai printemps!!! yeepee!!! il était temps car la pelouse poussait, poussait, poussait... les quantités d'eau tombées ces dernières semaines lui convenaient si bien...

alors
Flymo est a-rri-vé-é-ée
sans s'pressé-é-ée
et elle a bien marché-é-é

next au programme de la journée, monter une table de jardin et sortir 4 chaises de leur carton!!!


c'est pas excitant tout ça???

more ah-has...

Another Monday night... Another dance... Another experience...

I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...

Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.

I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.

Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...

Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!

I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...

Ah-ha!!

The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.

Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...

Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:

thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities

space clearing - Feng shui

my friend Sue from Feng Shui Fire Horse will be coming to my flat in less that two weeks time to clear the space energetically. Of what I understand - and expect? - the energy of the previous owners, who'd been living here for years and as a family for the last 3, will be released and sent back to its own home. Then my own imprint will be able to be made... I expect that this flat will become mine, for real!!


and so she sent me some homework to do before we start. she said "you've got to prepare yourself and the flat. otherwise it's a bit as if you're getting married but don't make preparation for it". I liked the analogy. Part of that homework was to clear clutter... I came back on Sunday night and went through ALL my clothes. Pile "needs to go", pile "needs to be thrown away", pile "that stays", pile "don't know yet"... Two big bags have gone to charity shops and probably another two before the end of the week!! It felt real good to get up in the morning, knowing I'd done the right thing.

almost three months since I've moved in and things move slowly. I enjoy it that way, though as I cherish every single small change and transformation taking place.

diy... at last!

Yeesss!

After 2 and a half months of living in my flat, I've taken some time off my various activities and stayed home to make the fit-in shelves I'd been dreaming about. It took me about 7 hours today, gluing, climbing onto the step ladder, putting in place, changing idea, carrying, sawing, drilling, screwing a good number of wood pieces of numerous sizes ans weight... yes, some were very heavy indeed!

But I managed and I'm pleased not only with myself but also with the result. Not quite the dream shelves I had in my mind but I guess I'm no professional, it was the first big job I did and it turns out nicely. My arms are soo tired at the minute that I can't compemplate getting all my books out of their boxes tonight... it'll have to wait 'til tomorrow. And I'm so lazy that I can't even imagine getting up and take a pic of them to accompany my scribbling... maybe tomorrow, too... :)

a nice Saturday, though!

i'm supposed to go out tonight but I'd rather laze around with a book

Apprivoiser

J'ai déjà parlé (peut-être pas en français) du vrai défi qui me dévisage de faire de cet appartement mon chez moi. Mais ça vient, doucement. Tout doucement. Je pensais prendre le taureau par les cornes et m'installer en moins temps qu'il faut pour le dire. Rien ne se passe comme prévu et j'apprivoise l'espace par petits bouts - un coin du jardin où j'ai planté des bulbes de jonquilles, ma chambre maintenant peinte, une statue de Shiva dansant devant la fenêtre...

et aujourd'hui une table et 4 chaises en chêne. J'étais tombé en arrêt devant, tout comme une table basse qui est arrivée en même temps. Cet après-midi, 7 grandes planches de chêne massif avec lesquelles je vais faire des étagères. Je ne sais pas encore comment, car elle font près de 3cm d'épaisseur et 60cm de large... la prochaine étape est donc de trouver quelqu'un qui ait les outils et les compétences pour découper ces planches dans la longueur!! Mais tout comme les tables et chaises, quand j'ai découvert ces planches, j'ai su de suite que rien d'autre ne ferait l'affaire!

Je sens que j'ai vraiment besoin de chaleur et de vie pour être bien chez moi. Couleurs chaudes et lumineuses, tapis en laine (pas encore trouvé), bois massif encore vivant, capable de me parler et que je devrai caresser et nourrir de temps en temps...

à moi...

une chambre, un salon, une cuisine et une salle de bain minuscule... et voilà, je viens de vous faire visiter mon nouveau chez moi. Mon chez moi, à moi...

j'y ai déposé mes cartons il y a maintenant 3 semaines, et ce n'est qu'hier que j'ai commencé à vouloir en faire mon chez moi, à moi...

Cet appartement, je l'ai voulu, j'en avais rêvé depuis longtemps, mais maintenant que c'est fait, je ne suis pas prête. Je dois des remerciements et une aide financière non négligeable à Mick et à mes parents, mais cet appartement m'appartient. à moi...

Ma vie en est toute chamboulée. Je me sens faire des bonds en avant ayant au préalable chaussé les bottes de sept lieux tout en étant tirée vers le passé, à revisiter des douleurs "ancestrales". Au milieu de cela, je ne peux être qu'un témoin et observer ce script sur lequel je n'ai pas la mainmise alors même qu'il s'agit de ma vie. à moi...



Quand je reste dans le présent les blessures du passé semblent bien lointaines et les peurs d'un avenir incertain n'ont pas de prises. Alors je m'appartiens, à moi...

Une paix intérieure s'installe, mon coeur s'emplit d'amour que je peux donner autour de moi consciemment. On me l'a dit maintes et maintes fois, j'ai un coeur gros comme ça. Et ce coeur, il est à moi...

réflexions sensations

après une journée presque entièrement passée à l'intérieur, me voilà rentrée d'une toute petite promenade le long de la tamise
à deux minutes à pied, je peux ainsi raconter que c'est actuellement marée descendante, et qu'une semaine après l'équinoxe, le coefficient reste gros... ne pouvant m'assoir en raison d'un temps maussade conservant une humidité exemplaire, je me suis apppuyée sur la rembarde et j'ai contemplé cette eau parfois grondante, parfois jaillissante ou menaçante, s'éloigner vers l'est et la mer.

loin de m'apporter la sérénité que j'espérais, j'ai reçu la férocité, le tumulte, et le bouillonnement de cette eau saturée de terre et mi-douce/mi-salée... calée sous Tower Bridge ou presque, j'ai ressenti toute sa lourdeur de faire se rejoindre et de soutenir deux rives opposées, d'être unique et admiré mais au bout du compte d'être isolé et les pieds dans l'eau

mon nouveau chez moi est un peu bruyant, les voisins du dessus mettent leur musique un peu fort, j'entends celui d'à côté pisser, mais qu'importe? j'ai un jardin ensoleillé et la tamise à deux minutes

newness friendy tornado

The last two days have gone cold and if I needed reminded I feel that I've missed the warmth. My body, skin, insides need some warmth. Summer simply forgot London over these last few months and I feel like going away in a nice and warm place somewhere in the world. Anywhere.

I dream of going to California to dance with Gabrielle Roth but cannot make my mind.
I imagine my skin giving thanks to the sun while lying on the beach in Dahab, Egypt.
I compare flight fares to Majorca or Barbados only to close the websites and get back to Earth.

My clay feet are glued on British soil. Shamanic training in the West country. Dance classes and workshops in London. Maybe this is what I need rather than what I want. Keep my feet on the ground, be earthy, well balanced and centered to sustain the strong winds of transformation that have battered my life for the last few months...

After 3.5 years living in the same flat and experiencing a variety of flatmates, I knew that it was time to move on. On a rainy Monday morning in the middle of November 2006 I just knew. It wasn't time for the how, when, where... but the seed had been planted next to a Cornish sacred well. About 3 months later, a opportunity came up and by the 1st of April, I moved in my very good friend Mick's flat for 6 months while he was backpacking in Central and South America. This brought a life change by itself.

2 weeks later I made an offer to buy a ground floor flat close to the river Thames - after 10 years in the UK and approximately 2 to 3 years during which I knew that my life was to be here, it was sending the world, and mostly my friends and family the tangible signal that my life was in London - for the foreseeable future.

A week after that I was meeting P. and the relationship is a real learning curve for me: learn to respect both what he is in all his qualities and limitations and what I am in all my qualities and limitations, be present to him, me and us, opened and vulnerable, human, woman... It had been a 2 and a half year "gap" between love relationships and the fear factor was very much present... especially as this new relationship did not resemble any I'd had before

At the beginning of June a dance worshop mixed up with strong influence of shamanism ripped off part of my hiding place. I discovered I had no right to lie to myself any longer in one specific department - I am a sexual being and a sensual woman, who likes and needs to be touched and touch others. I am still busy integrating this in my life and going through ups and down in accepting this new reality with no reference model to follow.

Finally (?) the recent entering into the world of shamanism is opening more doors. I have become a child again over the weekend and I am noticing that the rhythms of my steps have changed, that I sometimes feel awkard and broken in a movement I have practiced for nearly 36 years and that could not be more unconsciously done (except maybe breathing). I keep forgetting things and meetings at work and this makes me laugh. My clocks at home (mobile phone, ipod, cooker...) are playing up with me giving me wrong (and all different) times making me late for work. My heart recurrently opens up and his fire spreads to the rest of my chest. If this sensation made me feel extremely vulnerable and terrified of all others just a few days ago, it somehow makes me feel closer to all creations of the world tonight, including human beings. Yet I have no reference point (again!!) to adjust and I have difficulties finding the balance between feeling compassion and fear of carrying someone else's burden. Yet I feel confident that I am learning and a new way will emerge.

I've now moved into this new flat nearly 2 weeks ago. I do not have furniture inside and boxes are still lying around. I feel some pressure for "sorting it out" asap and be settled. I'm pleased I am not surrendering to this pressure as the new space is slowly infusing into me and I discover day after day the way I want to make it mine - I refuse the IKEA/Habitat reference and it is not always easy...

Two days ago, I've found my power place - facing the south pilar of Tower Bridge from the "beach" at low tide. I've found an overwhelming need to receive the steadfastness of these stones, the majesty and proudness of the towers and above all the strength of the bridges legs playing with the coming and going waters of the river. The bridge not only connects both sides of the river it also brings together the earth and the sky, and the elements air, water, earth. And fire makes it shine.

Maybe there's so much happening within and without, there's no need for me to go anywhere in search of newness.

Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss

I am a property owner in London.... I've had a call this morning from my solicitors telling me completion was done and dusted, then one from the estate agent saying I could come and pick up the keys anytime...

I went, got the keys, went to the flat at around 4.30pm. It was very sunny and I started to think about what I'm going to transform to make it my own home.


Then I had some champagne for my friends. I wanted to have a flat warming party just then and there, empty flat to give it some kind of life of its own, some of my and my friends energy... I've had a wonderful time tonight thanks to them. I feel that I can now move and make the necessary transformation. Somehow it's already mine, I've started to own it in some way therefore I can negociate with it: what it wants and doesn't want, what I want and don't want. I guess it's going to take a while before I am settled, before it is the way I want it to be, before I erally feel home??? maybe not...

did I hear well earlier on "is this going to be our room?"

I'll leave the question linger without wanting to know more...

close to completion

I got it.
It's thick.
It's heavy both in weight and in reading.
And it's not quite complete yet.



It's the report from my solicitors regarding the purchase of "my" flat.

It's getting real...
Am I excited? Yes
Am I scared? Yes
Am I impatient? Yes I think so