no escape!

what goes on inside
happens outside
everything is interconnected
with everything

physical and spirtual
material and psychological

there's no time
there's no space

when on doesn't look inside
it's put right in one's face outside

there's no possible escape

free fall

what happened?
falling
in the deep shit hole
with no parachute
it's getting darker and darker
i'm going faster and faster

but what now?
i am slowing down
have a few words done the trick?
there's a bottom at the end of this well
open to an unknown and welcoming place

so what next?
the experience had to be revisited
painful, lonely, fearful, lifeless
rubbing on old awaken wounds
re-membered!

a conscious suffering
one that has a meaning
and slowly brings healing

Ouch...

what else when
a door has been lashed open
a slap given across the face
a fist received in the stomach
from out there

what else when
a disheartening scream is being heard
both eyes are flooded with salted water
an extreme resistance sets in
from deep within

what else can it be
than an extreme pain
rising from the dead
making itself felt
in dis-ease and illness
in the body

Thank you and welcome
to this blast from the past

i is all i have

this is not bad
that is not good

this is i
that is i, too
and
i can not be bad not good
i simply is

and i must add an adjective
i is real
whether i like it or not

so i'd better like it
cos' i is all i have



(and I wish this image was bigger but I can't be bothered to rework on it....)
......

not good nor bad

how can this be not good nor bad?
or that be not right nor wrong?

I do this and I hate myself for it
I do that and I love myself for it

I do this and I risk be rejected for it
so this is bad
I am bad
this part of me that does this is bad
I end up hating her

I do that and I'm being loved for it
so that is good
I am good
that part of me that does that is good
I end up sticking around with her

yet they're both me, aren't they?
how on Earth can I live hating some part of me?
slow
without answer
lethargic
angry
stressed
short-fused
tired
driven
and many more....

learning to not judge, not fly away, not repress, not move, learning to listen and be
remembering again and again, this is not bad and that is not good - it's an illusion

breakthrough after breakthrough

I'm living a dream these days
ok sometimes it turns a bit into nightmar-ish dream kind of thing where fear and frozeness take over
but even then!

i watch myself being in that state
i seem to identify less to whatever emotion turns up
there seems to be more fluidity
in the relationship to myself and to others

i experienced something beautiful today
when an well known kind of anger and rage submerged me for a while because X asked me to do something that I thought was ridiculous in terms of wasted time and ressources
but then for some reason, I actually got out of it and focussed on how to change X's idea, in a creative way rather than the bull's way

and it kind of worked!!!!!!!!!!!!

we met in the middle and although I wasn't too happy to feel that I was wasting time, the rage had just gone!

Clairem this is unheard of.
Well done (gentle tap on the shoulder and the back)

cold blood

january 2009 is over and done with
already!!!

and what a month it's been!
adjusting to a new boss
and new methods of working
taking in a new training
and a new weekly schedule
sticking to my new resolution
and listening to my body

recording a few big dreams
feeling my well guarded borders
that don't let anyone in
watching the crocus blossom
and the snow fall silently on cold ground

I've grown his month
I've not been kicked out of the garden of Eden
No, this time
I've kicked myself out
of a false comfort zone

Yes, outside it is terrifying
but this is where real life is
and i will now live in it
in the world of warm blood

grandir

parmi les quelques résolutions, celle de grandir - enfin!?!
non par la force des choses
consciemment, motivée et résolue
intellectuellement bien-sûr mais aussi
dans le ressenti, le coeur et le corps
lui que je souhaite respecter et
que je sabote, encore et encore
parce que je refuse de grandir!

2008, année pleine s'il en fut!!
2009, aurai-je juste un peu de temps pour m'ennuyer?

je me sens vivante

ca vous tombe dessus comme ça, par surprise, sans prévenir, et ça vous assomme!

il y a six ans je me suis trouvée face à une situation tellement douloureuse qu'il m'a fallu trouver une personne compétente qui pourrait m'aider à la traverser. Je ne souhaitais qu'une chose, faire le dos rond, attende que passe l'orage, et continuer ma route comme si de rien n'était. Mais sans pouvoir mettre de mots, je SAVAIS que jouer l'autruche n'était cette fois pas possible. J'ai eu une chance incroyable dans cette histoire, car le premier psychothérapeute que j'ai rencontré a été le bon. Six ans plus tard, je travaille toujours avec lui, deux fois par semaine...

L'objectif, à l'époque, était de sortir de cette situation le plus vite possible et puis d'être heureuse (happy en anglais, le happy de "don't worry, be happy"). Il était clair dans ma tête qu'une thérapie me rendrait "happy". N'est-ce pas ce que tout un chacun désire et recherche à tout prix ?

Avancée rapide....

Il y a quelques semaines, j'ai compris, mon coeur et mon corps ont touché du doigt une vérité, ma vérité : cette thérapie, cette longue psychananalyse ne me rendrait pas "happy"...

Parce que être "happy" n'existe que s'il y a aussi du non "happy" comme la nuit n'existe pas sans le jour, le chaud sans le froid, le féminin sans le masculin, le yin sans le yang, la conscience sans l'inconscient, l'hiver sans l'été...
Parce que "happy" n'est qu'une seule des nombreuses émotions qui vient nous assaillir, nous submerger parfois
Parce que pour être vivant, vraiment vivant, on ne peut simplement oublier toutes les autres
Parce que le but de cette vie humaine n'est pas d'être "happy" mais d'être vrai et que cela est un labeur quotidien, parfois agréable et léger, parfois qu'on préfèrerait éviter...

Malgré tout, aujourd'hui je n'ai d'autre choix que celui de continuer ma nouvelle route - plus exactement, mon choix est de continuer ma nouvelle route ; quand je regarde vers le passé, je n'y retournerais pour rien au monde. Aujourd'hui j'existe et je me sens vivante

scary...

2 years that I've been filling in this pages with bits and bobs of my life, situations, crises, introspecting, analysing, observing, chasing and playing the detective, trying to discover who I am, why I act the way I do, judging yet trying to be gentle....

nearly a month that I haven't written anything... almost anything... most of time I didn't even think about it. At times I did, I didn't feel like it. No words, no wish to sit down and share, no need to be serious and evaluate where I am, how far I've gone, compare, judge...

My analyst lent me this book Narcissism and Character Transformation: Psychology of Narcissistic Character , by Nathan Schwartz-Salant a few weeks back. Fantastic book, but very complicated. Yet it shifted something inside and the one thing that had struck me is how narcissistic people can not be happy. As if it's just not on!!! It hit me hard. real hard. And yesterday I was having a wonderful chat with my friend A. and she asked me the question "can you be happy?", to which i finally answered yes!!! That brought tears of fear and relief, pride and guilt....

I am learning to be happy, lighter, frivolous, owning the right to be, with the risk that it brings other people to envy me! basically I'm seeing that it is possible to take life not as seriously, have fun, have various types of friends... and lots more!!

I am very grateful to my current and older friends who've put up with me in these last few years where I've been looking for darkness...

little claire

yes I have found her in a dark basement, confused, hurt, not trusting, yet having made this place hers and being as comfortable as possible in there - that is in between the time she got abused...

here she is...

inner judge

oh the anguish of standing up for myself
the difficulty of finding my own voice

actually no
it's more about giving a voice to my body
letting it out
hearing it
accepting it

how hard can it be to say to a dear friend "you know last night when you said 'your dodgy website' I felt judged and it hurt"? I broke a sweat while it was not warm, tears came up to my eyes when she explained she had thought about it and not only apologised but gave me a quick hug too... and the tears were saying "i'm so sorry that i may have caused you some embarrassment, discomfort or awkwardness by saying how I feel, me who is a nobody, i'm ashamed of my boldness, please forgive me"...
Well, pretty hard it was...

But then, how liberated I felt for the rest of the evening!! I had gained a sense of self worth and no one can ever take that from me, except the judge within. Because of course that's also what happened... her words woke up my inner judge big time and he took her words for himself ans had a go at me. So the hard bit in telling her these words, really, was a mean of telling my inner judge I did not like his attitude and in some way to say that i do not accept it.

it's just getting bigger... and bigger...

two and a half weeks and only now do I notice that the wind must have got stronger already back then... it happened far beyond the horizon and I didn't see it maybe also because I'd been falling low... but it's been building up stronger and stronger ever since, without me noticing.

the first highly formed waves have come crashing against the shore already... as an premise of a much bigger storm on its way? is my boat sea-worthy? I'm too far out to head back to safety to the harbour...

the biggest conscious test just gone seems now to have been only a few ripples on the surface compared to what is making its way toward me, as ancestral rage and hate surface from the deepest and darkest places and nothing will be stopping them this time. I'm prepared and terrified as I know it's the only way out and there's no escape. Not this time!

I can do with love, prayers, hugs, all good intentions...

an oasis in the desert

desert crossing is always a challenge

silence
long days
aloneness
vastness
humility
test
strong sun

coming closer is an oasis

shadowy
full of life
water
colours
peace
rest

i can say good bye

therapeutic tears... thank you.

I am grateful I can easily stop, cry and listen.
Two weeks ago they were begging "don't go, stay, please! my heart hurts too much!!"
Two weeks later and a quick online chat, they asked for a proper good bye, then said good bye
genuinely, meaning what it says on the tin "GOOD" bye...

Once again I have seen T. as Other and not "simply" as an image of myself in the surface of the lake... But the pain is such that I have come in contact and retreated fast again. Hopefully next time will come sooner than last and will be less painful. And the time after that sooner and less painful still...

yet however painful, after i retreat it feels like a victory for Love with a capital "L", not petty love with a small "l". This is a reason to celebrate!

making space for the Goddesses inside

day trip to Paris.
needed to raise to the occasion.
calling on the Goddess Athena
needed her present, ambitious, clear and quick minded and rational.
present she was, pleased to be on stage and play the part again
she sent out excellent vibes
then sent in the emotional bill!

loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, invisibility, ugliness...

"of course!" I think hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand.
dear cold, calculating, planning Athena
leaves a trail of emotional vacuum
and my inside half, three-quarter (or more?) dead!

dead!? when Paris offers
romance and sensuality
love and sex
as well as car horns
deafening underground
quiet, stunning Cour carrée du Louvre
and improvised, delightful opera soprano
in the warm early Spring evening sun.
connecting with the beauty of the site
not allowed,
'cos i'm worth it, remember?

in the end,
thanked Athena for her help
asked her to step down
til next time.
let go of emotional memories
anchored in my body
and a smile being drawn on my face.

one big lesson

If only one thing I have learnt over the last week:

I have value for myself,
I can support, love, be present, listen, care for myself,
Being alone does not equate being worthless

going alone

as I find myself very much alone... (dare I say lonely?) i note that the world is conspiring for me to go back within... I believe this is no coincidence about the timing of what happened in the last 2 or 3 weeks. As if the world had made sure I was prepared for what was coming to hit me...

It "all" started when I got a strong call to go back to my grand-parents house in Brittany. I knew I needed to go alone even though I had no idea what the purpose was. I didn't have any other intention than to remain open to what would come to me. I stayed for 2.5 days and the messages I got were clear - let go of your own story and history (different from forgetting or denying or giving it up!); the strong feeling of being home in this place in the physical world, take with you and make yourself your home so that it is with you at all times;

as I came back to London with a few more days off, my psychoanalyst had gone on holiday for a few weeks, something that hadn't happened for a really long time; my dear friend I. had gone to SA for a few weeks, too, for his own journey; my dear friend R. has been working in York for a while now and it's not always straight forward to meet at weekends; Yet I was excited also because it'd been a couple of weeks since I last met T. and thought we'd meet soon... I was wrong and the timing of him calling a day on something that had never really started but in which I had invested a lot could not be more difficult (or appropriate, depending on whic way you look at it...). From being and needing to be alone, I felt (and needed to feel?) lonely...

Of course I could have chosen to email my analyst, to call my friends, to cry and ask for support... but deep down I knew i needed to go alone, to let myself fall into the darkest tunnel full of ghosts of past and present times... After a first terrifying 24h filled with excrutiating physical pain and a sense of complete desperation, it is as if I got used to the darkness and as I accepted it, made friend with it, the fall slowed down, even stopped for short periods of times... before picking up speed again! I believe that the sweetness and gentleness of this man increased not only the speed of my fall but also the pain that I experienced: there was no blanket of anger or resentment to be hiding behind this time making the whole experience full blast!! "Funny" enough, I believe this is the best gidt I could give myself!

I have often thought in the past that the men I liked were not available... I know now that most of the time, I was not available, however strong and loud I claimed the opposite!!! This time, i do not know and I will live the question, as well as leave it open...

right here and right now

I feel my heart, strong in my chest, I am at peace

In 2 seconds my mind will wonder off to a sweet memory or something that will not be and my whole body will cry

Ten minutes after that I might be well at peace again

This pain i have never experienced, or should i say my mind has no memory of anything similar... Anyone read Harry Potter or the Northern Lights trilogy? The terror I experience resembles that described in the sucking by the dementors or that by the spectres... dragging me to a place beyond any word where I feel dead - I talk, I work, I go through the motion, I can even laugh and sound merry but there's noone home because the home, my home, I've let it been sucked away... There's only darkness, emptiness, invisibility, cold and loneliness left.

In this deepest fear that can only happen at a cellular level, there's no anger, no resentment, no blame, no guilt and no shame. There's a prayer mixed in with the tears crashing on my chest, "don't leave me it hurts too much" and a desperate call "i'll do better, I'll change, I'll learn how to please, please give me another chance"... but is it him that I'm begging to stay or is it my home sweet home that i'd given him? In other words, am I in love with him or with the relationship which made me feel whole?

I believe I know the answer.

an eye opener...

torn to pieces
excrutiating pain
of not being met
of not being loved
for no other reason than being me

ego2 goes to war
inviting anger
letting in resentment
for no other reason than avoiding the pain

imprinted into each and all cells
my body remembers
screaming with despair
willing to accept anything
for a promise that the pain will go never to return

the well's wide mouth's
showing its cold darkness
i know its slippery sides
no where to hold onto

falllllllllllllllllllllllllllling
back in time
the separation is ancient
the pain is real and present
no escape but to feel

ego1 comes to the rescue
loving presence
allowing the sobbing
welcoming the tantrum
of little claire re-living her most painful wound

separation re-enacted
with love, respect and gentleness
making it more painful
for the lack of ennemy

two stories
gotten mixed up
letting go the Ancient
opening new eyes to the most recent

two stories
tied to one another
for now
untangled tomorrow