26 April 2008

inner judge

oh the anguish of standing up for myself
the difficulty of finding my own voice

actually no
it's more about giving a voice to my body
letting it out
hearing it
accepting it

how hard can it be to say to a dear friend "you know last night when you said 'your dodgy website' I felt judged and it hurt"? I broke a sweat while it was not warm, tears came up to my eyes when she explained she had thought about it and not only apologised but gave me a quick hug too... and the tears were saying "i'm so sorry that i may have caused you some embarrassment, discomfort or awkwardness by saying how I feel, me who is a nobody, i'm ashamed of my boldness, please forgive me"...
Well, pretty hard it was...

But then, how liberated I felt for the rest of the evening!! I had gained a sense of self worth and no one can ever take that from me, except the judge within. Because of course that's also what happened... her words woke up my inner judge big time and he took her words for himself ans had a go at me. So the hard bit in telling her these words, really, was a mean of telling my inner judge I did not like his attitude and in some way to say that i do not accept it.

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