08 October 2007

growing up is dying a little

it's been a week of ups and downs, not too high up and never really deep down but exhausting noneless.

Yet when I'm asked "how are you?" or "how's life treating you?" I don't really know how to answer that. I don't have words. I'm kind of mixed up, confused. A voice within, I believe she's Clairette, is joyful and thankful for all the changes of the last 3 weeks and is basically happy. Another feels like weeping (Clairon!) and makes my heart sink as if a victim of what is happening and in need of help and support. I oscillate between those two (and there might be more, too) and I know that neither of them is right. It doesn't sound like the truth in either case. So what???

I want answers, NOW!!! (Clairon)
Or do I? (Clairette)

I've played Clairon for most of my life and Clairette has only come in very recently. Have I already outgrown the character? What/who is going to come next? I don't know and I don't know how long it will take before i do.

tonight I feel that I may be losing control on "how I want my life to be run". I do not claim that I know the answers because clearly I don't. I accept that others have different opinions and priorities and that it doesn't necessarily serve me. Interestingly it doesn't necessarily desserve me either. I see that I can be patient, present, paying attention to the now... not always so easy to live, though

Still, I've had this week the nicest dream I've ever had since I started recording them night after night for the last 5 years. Peace, freedom, fertile field... there is some positive in the "confusion"

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