21 January 2008

on my need to be mothered...

I generally approach new chosen situations with excitment - sometimes apprehension, too - and that "everything is going to change, life will be better, I can start again from scratch..." attitude!
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.

But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.

i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!

I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...

2 comments:

Nicole said...

I feel your pain and I hope the tears helped honour your pain. Blessings to you!

clairem said...

thanks nicole. the tears are very healing indeed and have so much to say, too... it's beautiful