20 February 2008

story of little clairem

Tonight and most of today, "I" has been a worthless and anxious little claire, feeling abandoned, longing for an answer that is not coming and making up all kind of stories, postponing deadlines to give him one more chance and try to find some peace. The fact that I am checking hopelessly my inbox every 3 seconds prevents any kind of peace to settle though..

Yet there are moments when I can centre myself, remain with little claire and love her, reassure her and make her feel how worthy and loveable she is. It lasts the time it lasts, usually not very long and it is an ongoing and endless process. Or so it feels... Yet after a whole day and a long evening at home (been back since 5pm) I feel that "I" is changing. Little claire is still very close by but she's no longer my omnipresent centre. As if the love had been enough - for this time - and she could accept to grow, come out of under a dark, wet blanket of shame (= I cannot be loved) and finally separate the longing and the anxiety...

I still want to see him but I don't feel crushed by an overwhelming need to know what's going on in his head. At the moment it's more like "i'm looking forward to hearing from him" than "i can't wait and this silence is killing me"

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