disabled

My unconscious told me via a dream that I am a young disabled girl that needs special hard shoes to help her fragile and thin legs carry her body. In the same dream, my younger sister is helping open the shoes while all I can do is cry over my grand-mother dying and wishing to see me...



Something happened on Friday. I believe several things happened and two of them are pretty clear in my mind. Delays of various sorts, all making me late for my appointments with my analyst, had been coming back on a regular basis. They coincided with his latest move and he came up with some interesting theory - the dynamic had changed and I am resistant to it...

I told P. that I liked him more and more but hadn't got any hidden agenda for us, that I didn't know what I wanted for my future. His reaction was, "good, because I don't know if I'll be here or back home"... that hurt more than I expected, more than I wanted.

I am not surprised that exhaustion hit me as soon as Saturday morning, yet not preventing me to go to my good friends' birthday party or to meet P. on Sunday evening for a couple of hours in a park on the other side of London. Today's dream, though, shows that it is not simple exhaustion. It is terror of being hurt (again?), the terrifying prospect of having to grow up, of having to put up these shoes that would carry my body so that eventually I would get stronger and not need help to walk. The dream shows that my sister, my helpful shadow, is ready for it while I'm still turned to the past and mourning the death of a needy mother figure. I feel guilty about turning away from the image of the grand-mother in need, yet it also feels to me that the future lies in nurturing the disabled young girl within...
(Of course, these are dream images, I very much like my grand-mother, who is in real life slowly going away from our world and I go and see her as often as I can)

I am taking my disabled young girl into my dance class tonight with the intention of supporting her for as long as needed... I'm scared and excited...

Exhaustion

Yes, it had to hit me eventually because I was living on adrenalin for the last two to three weeks. Not enough sleep and listening to neither my body nor my soul exhaustion caught up with me yesterday after a combination of circomstances gathered together.
Small disappointments and long term nagging anxieties that finally broke through to consciousness, coupled with a rare Saturday lie in and the beginning of my period has simply flatenned me out... I have had no choice than to look reality in the eyes and accept that I am running out of battery. And so after having felt hangovered all day yesterday I am currently feeling weak and feverish-like.

I guess I've got no other choice than listen to my body and take time to integrate the emotions that sprang up out in the open in the last two days.

excuses for not being faithful to my blog at the moment...

I've been away from my computer far too long... I miss writing what's going on in my life, and there's quite a bit happening... and positive things, too... Yet I can't seem to find any time for myself, any time to sit down and write...

But I've got two good excuses. Well, it's for you to judge... For one, my nephew of 17 has arrived in London 2 weeks ago today and we've spent quite a bit of time together. He's fun and friendly. He stays at mine for a month, was trying to look for a summer job and then started to enjoy his time in my flat on my computer chatting with his mates and following the Tour de France online (he's frustrated that it's not on tv in the UK!!). I've also tried to continue to have my own life. If I find it difficult, I'm working on it and it is actually a blessing that he's here... I would need more time and quietness to really untangle the feelings and make them flow in sentences on this screen, so t won't be for tonight, because - and that's my second excuse: I've started the last Harry Potter on Sunday night, and working full time, I tend to fill every spare minute to its reading...



As soon as it's over, I'll be back on a more regular basis.

New beginnings

It will have taken longer than expected but here I am translating the "recent" post "nouveau départ". No surprise there, everything takes longer than expected...

So much so that I needed over 350 hours of analytical psychotherapy, 700 hours of commuting to and from the analysis room, 200 hours of 5Rhythms ecstatic dance and meditation practice, a handful of retreats in complete darkness (Darkness visible) , shamanism, tantra, vipassana... and a total financial comitment that I've never even attempted to calculate, to feel and breathe the most ancient truths of all! Yet it felt entirely new to me... Have you ever read "the alchemist"??? That's how it feels today!

"My journey is neither a way to make me a better or the perfect person nor a process fasttracking me to a more restful place where I'd be done with it all"

I faced this truth, knew that there is no perfection and it was ok. I knew there is no such place and didn't fall apart. Quite the opposite!

I've got nothing to prove, I don't need to strive to be the best, the cleverest, the prettiest, the funniest, the most caring, the most daring or most reliable... What freedom to just be myself at any given time, always evolving, never the finished product! What delight to be allowed to make mistakes, to not be perfect! What satisfaction to write with a pencil and allow myself to erase and start again! What fun to feel I can surprise others!

Are you wondering where these new beginnings are coming from? There's not much of those so far... Well, there's nothing new withing myself either. I knew all this, in my head and I kept repeating all this to anyone willing to listen (and also those who were not...) I was convinced of all this so much so that others HAD TO be convinced, too... It's during the 701st hour on the tube that the truth hit me hard; it came and blew out the metal door that kept my heart in jail (but also safe from any risk of being hurt!). That was a few days ago and since then, the door has shut again. But this time, it is a friendly wooden door that protects not keeps in jail.

It feels that I am entering a new journey; I've turned the page and face a new blank chapter that will take me... where it will take me. I'll know the destination when I get there and then, I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I wish myself good luck.

14 juillet 2007

Je voudrais dire un grand merci à ma "vieille" copine Sandra (oups, elle va pas être très contente de cet adjectif...) car elle m'a donné l'occasion de passer mon premier 14 juillet en France depuis de longues années. En fait, elle est pas si vieille, mais on se connaît depuis 10 ans ! (on a fait le compte justement ce weekend). Alors merci Sandra d'avoir décidé de te marier et de fêter ton enterrement de vie de jeune fille à Lille un 14 juillet.

J'ai retrouvé un peu de la fibre qui fait de moi que je suis française. C'est en m'équarquillant les yeux pour y faire rentrer encore plus de belles couleurs sonores des fusées du feu d'artifice que j'ai soudain senti l'importance de fêter ce "Bastille Day" comme ils disent au Royaume-Uni. Ces longues années outre-Manche m'avait fait oublié que ce n'est pas simplement un jour férié dans le calendrier, mais bien une façon de célébrer la République.

Et un grand merci à Peggy pour l'organisation sans faute de ce weekend dépaysant et épuisant et qui m'aura permis de découvrir des artistes locaux qui montent. L'un, Romain Lefèvre, qui me semble (de ce Londres lointain) être bien dans la tendance et le style des chanteurs français trentenaires ayant explosé au cours des 5 ou 7 dernières années. Des rythmes simples, voire répétitifs, une guitare sèche, pas de frou-frou et des textes touchants et justes.




L'autre, un quinquette, "Swingin' partout", formée d'un violon, deux guitares, une contre-basse et une batterie. Infatigables, une présence, un swing, une virtuosité, une bonne humeur.... un seul mot : extraordinaire!! Je n'ai malheureusement pas réussi à trouver une vidéo du groupe...

Sans oublier la Deûle, la péniche, la guinguette de la marine, les quelques bières ch'ti, la boucherie... "engagez-vous rengagez-vous qu'ils disaient". Ce bar/boîte de nuit n'a pas fermé jusqu'au bout de la nuit. Il a fallu qu'on déclare forfait !!! à 6h30 du mat', histoire d'aller se masser les pieds, le dos, boire un coup d'eau, visiter le marché de Wazennes dès l'ouverture, sans oublier le petit déj' de rigueur avant d'aller s'allonger pour un repose bien mérité. Mais non, ce n'était pas fini puisque nous avons également eu droit au moule-frite de rigueur!

Demain j'ai pris ma journée pour récupérer...

New beginnings

My last post is in French as it is tha way it came out... Please bear with me as I feel that it needs translated. So it'll be done soon but not tonight!

Nouveau départ

Il aura fallu presque 350 heures d'analyse, près de 700 heures de transports en commun d'un bout à l'autre de la ville, 200 heures de méditation en mouvement (5Rhythms), une grosse poignée de retraites dans le noir complet pendant plusieurs jours, de chamanisme, de tantra, de méditation sans mouvement et dans le silence, et un budget total que je n'ai jamais cherché à connaître, pour me trouver nez-à-nez avec une vérité vieille comme le monde et pourtant entièrement nouvelle...

"Mon cheminement n'est ni un tremplin pour battre mes propres records et vaincre une barre toujours placée toujours plus haut, ni un simple moyen d'arriver quelque part (et tant qu'à faire le plus vite possible...), où que soit ce quelque part !"


J'ai touché du doigt que je n'arriverai jamais, sans pour autant me brûler. J'ai découvert qu'il n'y a pas de ligne d'arrivée, et cela ne m'a pas épuisée.

Bien au contraire ! Je n'ai rien à prouver, je n'ai pas à tenter d'être la meilleure, la plus rapide, la plus intelligente, la plus jolie, la plus drôle, la plus attentionnée... Quelle liberté de pouvoir juste être le moi en devenir, sans cesse en devenir, jamais complètement finie ! Quelle joie de pouvoir s'autoriser à faire des erreurs, à n'être pas parfaite ! Quel plaisir de pouvoir écrire au crayon, et de pouvoir gommer, effacer et tout recommencer ! Quelle légèreté de pouvoir surprendre !

Alors, oui, bien-sûr, vous vous demandez... Y a rien d'bien neuf dans tout ça, il est où ce nouveau départ ? Bien entendu, je savais tout cela, je le savais dans ma tête, et je le répétais à qui voulait l'entendre, j'en étais convaincue depuis bien longtemps et je tentais par tous les moyens de convaincre tous autour de moi. Mais c'est dans cette 701ème heure de métro londonien que cette vérité à finalement démonté la porte blindée derrière laquelle mon coeur était prisonier (mais aussi bien à l'abri de tout risque d'être malmené!) Et depuis, vous allez me demander? La porte s'est refermée, mais une porte de protection, pas une porte de prison.

Je démarre donc une nouvelle journée, m'engage sur une nouvelle page blanche pour un nouveau chapitre, qui me mènera... où il me mènera. Je le saurai quand j'y serai et alors je vous tiendrai au courant! Je me souhaite bon vent !

Tarot card

I wish I wrote more and yet, I've got no words these days. Do I find it frustrating? Yes in many ways because I've got so much to say, to cry, to shout, to murmur, to come out... But it also gives me time to do other things, like reading instead. At this time I've dived into "The last temptation" by Nikos Kazantzakis. Recommended reading, so much better than Scorsese's "Last temptation of Christ"!!

It also has given me time to find out which Tarot card I am which I discovered on Sarananda's blog, in a post called "You are the world". And so tonight, here I am:

The Hierophant
Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching. All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

Click here if you want to know for yourself

A sense of disbelief

I've heard some sad and shocking news yesterday. A friend from my early years in London called to say that a common friend had died a week before of a brain haemorrage. He was only 39 years old.

He was the other French person in the neuroscience lab when my English was more than limited. He was a nice bloke talking too much, showing off a bit too much. He was good at science and I believe he could have been excellent had he worked a little more. Yet he made it in a very competitive field, joining an excellent group in Stanford University, being offered a position in Toronto before moving back to Europe and Italy.

I had lost contact with him long ago but this news was a massive shock to me. It opened my eyes on the fact that I am coming to the age where these kinds of accidents are not unheard of. Suddenly I felt my age, together with a sense of unjustice. He was too young for this to happen! I feel deeply saddened and full of compassion for his widow staying behind, in pain.

Rest in peace JD wherever you are and whoever you're with. You weren't my best friend but our paths crossed for a few years and there'll always be memories of you in my heart.

Preparing for the storm

Yes, the forecast predicts a storm. The sky has already darkened, the wind is picking up speed, the first drops of rain have it hit my face as a warning, the clouds draw this letters in the sky: BE PREPARED

And so I am starting the preparation. Nothing about putting away items I love or those I'm attached to. I'm making preparation for myself without knowing what to do. I suppose I could keep safe and stay in, close the shutters and lock the doors until it has gone. But I have done that many times. And so I'll go out and feel the raw and forgotten elements and emotions.

No wellies
No waterproofs
I'll need to feel and accept its full strength, bend, hold on

Something tells me that I will come through more humble, more compassionate and more free

The blue child - l'enfant bleu

Vulnerable
but a voice within couldn't care less
actually, no, it's not true, the voice within cares so much
that it wants to spear me, destroy me...

Determined
but a hand takes the remote control and turns the TV on
the noise
makes the determination melt...

Brave
but terrified by the overwhelming feeling of guilt emerging
masking
the forbidden anger - not anger - underlying rage

Exhausted
but proud to have stood firm in the storm
yet knowing
that I'm only in the safety of its eye

slowly seems to be the hardest word...

(source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Snail-WA_edit02.jpg)


April and May have moved fast. Very fast. At least in some ways. But somehow life made sure that I slowed down, from running to slow motion to sometimes stop and contemplate. Turn around and watch if I've ever left something behind...

Most recently, today in fact, I started to ask questions about choices I've made in these last 2 months and a bit. In particular regarding the flat I'm buying... To recap quickly, I've made an offer on a one-bed flat in mid April that was immediately accepted. At the time, I thought, "cool, it's going to be quick"! The mortgage offer was at last finalised last week and I received all the paperwork at the weekend. I was really excited. After weeks of standstill, things were moving again and the solicitor was doing her part and exchange would happen "soon"... well not quite! I quickly realised, even knowing nothing about mortgages that the lender had given me a mortgage I did not want... I waited until this morning to call my mortgage broker (I couldn't possibly call him at the weekend, I'm too nice...) to learn 1. that he had been working all weekend and 2. that it was easy to swap for the one I wanted. Good day then, no?

Hang on here, the soap isn't finished. I'm sure even the worst TV soap wouldn't go down that road... but I got an email from my solicitor saying that there may be problems with the garden and the front porch that not only aren't on the lease but this latter doesn't even state that I have exclusive use of them. I must say, I don't really fancy coming back home to find half a dozen people having a drink at my front door - even if this is unlikely!

As I went to my dance class, I contemplated the idea that maybe all these obstacles were put in front of me to say "don't buy this flat" or that I was being tested. My good friend Cathy said, "Maybe you've got to really make your mind whether London/the UK is your place"... I thought that I'd had the answer for a few months already, and that it was YES.

In the dance, two things sprang to my mind. First that all these obstacles were there not to push me away and make me change my mind, but to slow me down and keep me grounded. "Your life is changing, but hey, clairem, keep it slow and take time to digest, process and enjoy!" Secondly, I'd been contemplating the idea of training as a massage therapist for a while now and the thought came up, "asking whether I can afford it is the wrong question. The question is, can I afford not to train?" and to this, the question was NO.

Slow down, slow down, breather and slow down...

new photos

The good thing about the stats (or should I say ONE of the good things about the stats) in Blogorama is that I've found out that quite a few people go and check my photos in flickr.

And because it's been a lovely rainy and rather cold weekend, I'm pleased to announce that I've uploaded some more!! You'll find some additional pictures from the North America-1995 trip and some from Bangkok and Cambodia, a 2-week trip as the UN had just entered the country in 1993. There are also a couple more on London.


Enjoy!

It's all about being seen...

When I first started my blog I didn't mind not having readers. It was about writing and "getting it out of my chest" sort of thing. But let's be honest: it is nice to have readers, comments, from those who just pass by and don't stay because it's not their cup of tea and from those who come back regularly because they find their bread and butter in our words...

So when I just find out about this viralink thing on A modern Goddess Online, I went to the creator's website to see how this thing works and I just loved Andy's "chemical structures" showing the growing networking... so I thought I'd give it a go. It's all about being seen and coming as close to the top of the page as possible!

Here are the instructions

Below is a matrix of 100 stars, I have already added a link to my blog onto one of the stars, all you need to do is copy and paste the grid into your blog and add your own link to one of the other spare stars, and tell others to do the same!

Viralink

********************
********************
********************
********************
********************

Next you need to tell others to do the same!

Still shaken

Something happened 2 days ago and I'm still wondering what to do about it... Rewind.

I received a short video on my personnal email at work and as it was funny and about rugby I forwarded it to two of my colleagues I know would enjoy it. A couple of minutes later, I jumped on my chair as one of them says, "that's your blog!". My heart skipped a beat then raced away to catch up with that missing one... I had forwarded the email quickly and left my signature at the bottom of it. And it includes my blog's link!

I was left speechless. It was so obvious that she offered not to look at it. A voice within was screaming, "don't, please don't and genuinely forget about it!" This place is very much my own private garden and I don't mind unknown people, invited friends and family reading my posts and discover who I am as I go along but not work colleagues, however close we can be. Somehow my reaction made me realise how much I hide all this from people at work and how much I put a mask on every morning when I pass the door...

I feel she could read me like an open book and I'm terrified that it could hit me back and I would get hurt. In a way I don't feel strong enough to show my inner life, I feel very tender inside and vulnerable and this is no time to being hurt. Yet this "mistake" happened and I can't help thinking that there might be a reason for it. Maybe I am ready to take the mask off for good? Right now I'm torn and we haven't come back to that subject. Do we need to? Do I need to know whether she reads me or not? I've got no idea... I guess I'll leave it at that for now, unless or until something else happened!!

Music day / fête de la musique

Today is the summer solstice, the longest time of daylight in the year, the start of a new season that will (hopefully) bear the fruits of all the transformations, hard work, emotions we went through and experienced over the previous spring season.

Does it really matter if it is warm and sunny outside as long as it is within allowing the fruits to ripen? Of course it'd be nicer to see blue skyes, to leave the jacket in the cupboard, to go home late in the evening and meet people having a chat on their doorstep rather than being locked in behind their doors...

Today was summer solstice and it was the third "fête de la musique" in London. A celebration as we enter summer. Born in 1982 in France, it has become increasingly popular and I've heard now exists in 43 countries. According to Wikipedia, New York City was having its first one today! Never too late to bring good things in the US, even if French!

I remember the ones in France many moons ago. Anyone and everyone out in all cities, towns or villages either listening or playing, singing or dancing or laughing, really celebrating summer and music. People would get their "reserved" area (on a first come first serve basis!) on a pavement, in the corner of a square and they would start playing. There was no rule, you just couldn't get it wrong. You'd hear the 5 years old child and 20m away a group of late teenagers playing hard-rock music; carry on walking to the next street and that would become a quatuor or a choir of gospels; stop for a while if you like it, move on when you've had enough or if your legs need exercice and you'll hear religious songs before the encounter with the most fashionable rapper you've ever seen in you rlife... and the list goes on until late during the night when small groups gather together, sit down, give cigarettes to each other and feel that really, that night was even better than all previous years put together! Of course, it'll be true next year, too... What beauty, hey!

This 3rd edition in London was my first and maybe because I didn't open my heart to it, I was disappointed. Everything was extremely well organised, marquees were put up, sound systems tested, programmes were followed to the minute, you knew exactly what to expect, even the lack of enthusiasm (at least where I was tonight...). I know things are become so huge in France that programmes are put out, too with big names and professionals, too. But you'll always find that "French flair" or wild side in it that surprises you somehow and draws a smile on your face and imprints a memory in your brain. I missed that tonight!

I might take the Eurostar to Paris or Lille next year!

Dans mon coeur

Dans mes souvenirs les plus vivants
elle a toujours été là
pour offrir
le carambar interdit par les parents
pour jouer
à la crapette inlassablement
faire cuire
un vrai chocolat chaud la nuit du nouvel an
pour envoyer
à chaque anniversaire un petit mot écrit si gentillement

Dans la vie d'hier, d'aujoud'hui et de demain
elle est toujours là
pour entendre
d'une oreille attentive les secrets des uns et des autres sortis de l'ombre
pour tenir
ses promesses et un silence d'outre-tombe
pour poser
les questions auxquelles on n'a pas forcément envie de répondre
pour s'inquiéter
que tout va pour le mieux dans le meilleur des mondes

Après avoir retrouver tous nos ancêtres et bon-papa
elle sera toujours là
pour prêter
un sourire ou une main tendue dans les moments de détresse
pour m'aider
à sortir d'une récurrente tristesse
pour me rappeler
que sur mon chemin il y aura toujours une déesse
pour ouvrir
son bric-à-brac de cabas qui bédorde de tendresse

In the shadow of fear

I didn't listen to my inner voice this morning. Waking up at 7.30am on a Saturday was too early for my reasonable mind, "I was so tired last night, must try to get more sleep". But a small voice was telling me I could get up and go back to bed later in the day if needed. I didn't. I finally got up at 9.30am and surfed on the Internet for a while. Then, this is where it becomes interesting, because I have stopped writing for the last 15min... "no, i cannot write what I want to write, not here"... but also, "well, if I don't write about it, then the post won't make any sense what so ever"... The conflict was raging within as I went back surfing and I am now about to dive into the unknown, the unacceptable, the unspeakable - maybe I should prevent this post to be accessed by anyone underaged...

9.30am it was, looking on the Internet for images of polar bear, meanings of this majestic animal in shamanism and symbols in analytical psychology. I won't go into the reasons behind this search now but I hope to do so in the future. I liked what I read and particularly the idea of mothering - apparently mother bears are very protective mothers for their cubs and very gentle and patient but also very fierce in making sure nothing happens to them. I kept having images coming to my mind and as I was sitting on my bed I started to feel sexually aroused. My nipples were calling for gentle strokes and I happily answered their request. So much so that I ended up putting the laptop away and giving myself all the attention required. I believe that was a turning point.

A while later I covered myself with my duvet again and went back to "sleep" for an hour, fully aware that it wasn't what I wanted. Yet I couldn't move, I was stuck there by some kind of greater strength, there was nothing I could do to fight it. It took me a little while to recognise it and name it: overwhelming numbness! This shadow of fear is well known to me, being almost ever present for many many years! I tried to make it move in my body, to give it life but it wouldn't work. Finally I knew what I had to do: I had to give it life in words. And what better place than here?!

Yet I'm not sure what made it visit me today. But as I write these words I can hear "of course you do", and indeed I do know. Yes it has to do with the physical and sexual pleasure I gave myself earlier but it is not the whole story either, this was only the trigger. It comes back to a dream I had early this week which we expanded a little yesterday with my analyst. In that dream I give birth to a tiny little boy and in my old bedroom at my parents' I unwrap him from a wolf-like fancy dress outfit that is zipped on his back from head to toe. This baby boy is relying on me to get fed, protected, be loved nurtured and mothered and to grow enough before he can go alone onto his own path. At this very moment in time, he is extremely vulnerable and this is exactly how I feel, vulnerable. I feel that anything and anyone could very easily crush me.

So I keep swinging between the old pattern where I am in charge (or so I think) and so well protected that no one can even dream of touching my heart and a new opening where I accept my vulnerability and do all I can to protect myself from what I believe may be attacks, trying to keep the doors open for others to get in. The difficulty is that I am even scared of people who love me... As Tiffanie puts it in her post Cities, I wish I will visit the place called Trust sometime soon.

A Bonne-Maman

Depuis son fauteuil
Elle n'entend plus bien
Ses oreilles bien rangées dans le tiroir de sa table de chevet

Somnolant à moitié
Les heures défilent
Lentement ou à pas de geant selon qu'elle a des visites ou pas

Ni-assise et ni-allongée
Parfois elle s'arrête de parler
Par choix, de fatigue ou simplement parce que tout a déjà été dit

Acceptant et exposant sa fragilité
Elle reste belle
Coiffée de son élégante chevelure blanchie par les années

Jamais très grande et maintenant tassée
Elle reste digne
Même si ses muscles ont récemment décidé qu'ils en avaient eu assez

Aujourd'hui à 95 ans
Elle reste le pilier
Auquel tout un chacun vient encore s'amarrer

Je l'aime aujourd'hui
Comme je l'ai toujours aimée
Mais j'ai enfin trouvé les mots pour le lui dire et l'écrire

Quand il sera temps qu'elle rejoignent ses ancêtres
Je demande aux alliés de ce monde et de l'autre
De lui prendre la main et de l'accompagner avec amour
Pour qu'elle parte en joie et en paix

A not so random Wednesday morning

Yes, I did wake up early this morning, as planned. I thought I'd spend most of my extra hour on this blog... well, I didn't and it is now almost time for me to get ready for work. Actually it IS time to start getting ready, so I suppose I might have to rush somehow because I still want to spend a few more minutes here, sitting on my bed with my fingers running (slowly, I must admit) on the keyboard...

So what is it that is so important that I have to say?
I love mornings, these quiet times when hardly any cars can be heard, the neighbours are quiet, the bell church doesn't ring just yet, the sun begins its slow ascent bathing an ever increasing part of the brick wall opposite my window... I have always loved mornings but have found it difficult to even contemplate waking up for long periods of time. I remember these times when I still lived at my parents' and I would get up a 6am and run to the stables, spending hours, days and weeks helping out cleaning it and the horses. My parents complained that I was taking thier home for a hotel: they were right because I would be coming back only to eat and sleep during holiday...

Only time will tell whether this early morning will be one of many, the beginning of a new period where I take time for myself before going to a job that does not fulfil me any longer but which I am not prepared to leave just yet...

I want to thank myself for listening (and finding answers) to my needs.