17 July 2007

New beginnings

It will have taken longer than expected but here I am translating the "recent" post "nouveau départ". No surprise there, everything takes longer than expected...

So much so that I needed over 350 hours of analytical psychotherapy, 700 hours of commuting to and from the analysis room, 200 hours of 5Rhythms ecstatic dance and meditation practice, a handful of retreats in complete darkness (Darkness visible) , shamanism, tantra, vipassana... and a total financial comitment that I've never even attempted to calculate, to feel and breathe the most ancient truths of all! Yet it felt entirely new to me... Have you ever read "the alchemist"??? That's how it feels today!

"My journey is neither a way to make me a better or the perfect person nor a process fasttracking me to a more restful place where I'd be done with it all"

I faced this truth, knew that there is no perfection and it was ok. I knew there is no such place and didn't fall apart. Quite the opposite!

I've got nothing to prove, I don't need to strive to be the best, the cleverest, the prettiest, the funniest, the most caring, the most daring or most reliable... What freedom to just be myself at any given time, always evolving, never the finished product! What delight to be allowed to make mistakes, to not be perfect! What satisfaction to write with a pencil and allow myself to erase and start again! What fun to feel I can surprise others!

Are you wondering where these new beginnings are coming from? There's not much of those so far... Well, there's nothing new withing myself either. I knew all this, in my head and I kept repeating all this to anyone willing to listen (and also those who were not...) I was convinced of all this so much so that others HAD TO be convinced, too... It's during the 701st hour on the tube that the truth hit me hard; it came and blew out the metal door that kept my heart in jail (but also safe from any risk of being hurt!). That was a few days ago and since then, the door has shut again. But this time, it is a friendly wooden door that protects not keeps in jail.

It feels that I am entering a new journey; I've turned the page and face a new blank chapter that will take me... where it will take me. I'll know the destination when I get there and then, I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I wish myself good luck.

1 comment:

Imraan said...

Bonne Chance Claire. You illuminate the darkest recesses of my heart and make me confront that which is hardest to verbalise but which is such an essential source of my identity.