22 June 2007

Still shaken

Something happened 2 days ago and I'm still wondering what to do about it... Rewind.

I received a short video on my personnal email at work and as it was funny and about rugby I forwarded it to two of my colleagues I know would enjoy it. A couple of minutes later, I jumped on my chair as one of them says, "that's your blog!". My heart skipped a beat then raced away to catch up with that missing one... I had forwarded the email quickly and left my signature at the bottom of it. And it includes my blog's link!

I was left speechless. It was so obvious that she offered not to look at it. A voice within was screaming, "don't, please don't and genuinely forget about it!" This place is very much my own private garden and I don't mind unknown people, invited friends and family reading my posts and discover who I am as I go along but not work colleagues, however close we can be. Somehow my reaction made me realise how much I hide all this from people at work and how much I put a mask on every morning when I pass the door...

I feel she could read me like an open book and I'm terrified that it could hit me back and I would get hurt. In a way I don't feel strong enough to show my inner life, I feel very tender inside and vulnerable and this is no time to being hurt. Yet this "mistake" happened and I can't help thinking that there might be a reason for it. Maybe I am ready to take the mask off for good? Right now I'm torn and we haven't come back to that subject. Do we need to? Do I need to know whether she reads me or not? I've got no idea... I guess I'll leave it at that for now, unless or until something else happened!!

1 comment:

Simone ( Exercising for comments) said...

This sounds so familiar.

Its not easy to stay anon. I gave up after two try's.

But my blog is very different from the first two. My husband still fears that it bite somewhere down the road. I guess I am a bit scared too.

Being and feeling accepted is really important to me.

But "damn it" if i can't be me then what's the point.