2 years that I've been filling in this pages with bits and bobs of my life, situations, crises, introspecting, analysing, observing, chasing and playing the detective, trying to discover who I am, why I act the way I do, judging yet trying to be gentle....
nearly a month that I haven't written anything... almost anything... most of time I didn't even think about it. At times I did, I didn't feel like it. No words, no wish to sit down and share, no need to be serious and evaluate where I am, how far I've gone, compare, judge...
My analyst lent me this book Narcissism and Character Transformation: Psychology of Narcissistic Character , by Nathan Schwartz-Salant a few weeks back. Fantastic book, but very complicated. Yet it shifted something inside and the one thing that had struck me is how narcissistic people can not be happy. As if it's just not on!!! It hit me hard. real hard. And yesterday I was having a wonderful chat with my friend A. and she asked me the question "can you be happy?", to which i finally answered yes!!! That brought tears of fear and relief, pride and guilt....
I am learning to be happy, lighter, frivolous, owning the right to be, with the risk that it brings other people to envy me! basically I'm seeing that it is possible to take life not as seriously, have fun, have various types of friends... and lots more!!
I am very grateful to my current and older friends who've put up with me in these last few years where I've been looking for darkness...
09 June 2008
03 June 2008
just a few keywords...
crisis, hurt, depression, emotions, tears, love, pain, expansion, knowing & feeling, cell memory, ir-rational, repair, tension, 3rd, openings, sociable, within & without, moon-time, compassion, compensation, empathy, food, womanhood, teenager, fun, free fall, grieving, laugh, terrifying, blessings, grateful, narcissism, oyster, divided, brick wall, ocean, boat, horses, home, justice, authority, envy, jealousy, rank, older & younger, race, spring, death, flowering....
15 May 2008
negative energy....
I've registered for a 4-week course untitled "touching the unseen" and tonight was the second week, when we talked about meditation. We shared our personal practice and as the talking stick went around the circle i became very aware of a fact: a few people around the circle have a positive thought while meditating or call in positive energy, or say a positive mantra... and release negative energy...
I can't help thinking - where does all these negative energies go to? surely it can't be safe to just let it go, can it?
i asked this question and the teacher had some answer that didn't convince me, and rather the opposite. He said that we could release it to the Earth and that it would take care of it. How? The Earth is a living being and knowing how water cristals react to different emotions, words or peace of music (see Miraculous messages from water, Emoto's work), i can not believe that releasing negative energy into the cosmos is a good thing...
What I believe is that we've got to take responsibility for our negative thoughts and energy, too and transform them ourselves, one way or another before they can be released. Or else, other beings - humans or not - will end up picking up these energies they have not asked for...
Please, don't tell me i'm the only one thinking that way....
I can't help thinking - where does all these negative energies go to? surely it can't be safe to just let it go, can it?
i asked this question and the teacher had some answer that didn't convince me, and rather the opposite. He said that we could release it to the Earth and that it would take care of it. How? The Earth is a living being and knowing how water cristals react to different emotions, words or peace of music (see Miraculous messages from water, Emoto's work), i can not believe that releasing negative energy into the cosmos is a good thing...
What I believe is that we've got to take responsibility for our negative thoughts and energy, too and transform them ourselves, one way or another before they can be released. Or else, other beings - humans or not - will end up picking up these energies they have not asked for...
Please, don't tell me i'm the only one thinking that way....
12 May 2008
a new softness
another monday and another discovery on the dance floor...
tonight there was a softness about me that i do not remember having noticed in the past;
i found an acceptance within that transpired without;
i accepted to be touched by others around me and it translated by mimicking others' moves, and therefore very foreign to my usual movements;
in chaos i observed myself breathing in deeply and easily, while at other times I would have been short of breath and in need to stop for the lack of air;
i was my own spectator in Lyrical when it seemed at times that my hands and feet were synchronised via puppet-like ropes;
i was greeted by half moon as I walked out, and received a welcome into the night and its golden darkness;
last but certainly not least "i judge people and therefore believe everyone judges me. Best therefore to judge myself first, at least I know what to expect, however harsh..." yes, i had known this truth for years but tonight my eyes opened onto it in a very different way that i can not explain. all i can say is that i just KNEW it in my heart, I SAW the full impact of it on others and myself and I wondered how it will feel, eventually, to look at people not with a new eye, someday in the near or far away future...
for now, i'll just keep observing and catching myself
tonight there was a softness about me that i do not remember having noticed in the past;
i found an acceptance within that transpired without;
i accepted to be touched by others around me and it translated by mimicking others' moves, and therefore very foreign to my usual movements;
in chaos i observed myself breathing in deeply and easily, while at other times I would have been short of breath and in need to stop for the lack of air;
i was my own spectator in Lyrical when it seemed at times that my hands and feet were synchronised via puppet-like ropes;
i was greeted by half moon as I walked out, and received a welcome into the night and its golden darkness;
last but certainly not least "i judge people and therefore believe everyone judges me. Best therefore to judge myself first, at least I know what to expect, however harsh..." yes, i had known this truth for years but tonight my eyes opened onto it in a very different way that i can not explain. all i can say is that i just KNEW it in my heart, I SAW the full impact of it on others and myself and I wondered how it will feel, eventually, to look at people not with a new eye, someday in the near or far away future...
for now, i'll just keep observing and catching myself
07 May 2008
powerful moon time
at the time of the new moon in Taurus - pleasure, fertility, natural abundance, material security, sensuality, conservation, values, self-worth, steady creative progress, slowing down
just past Beltane - Celtic festival of fire, fertility and love, also known as May Day, when maidens with flowers in their hair dance around the phallic May pole. At Beltane, the maiden met the Horned-God or Green Man in a cave, and coupled with him anonymously. It was a sacred act, and the fruits of that meeting were considered semi-divine. Taurus embodies divine desire, because it is a creative force that sustains life
putting 2 and 2 together and matching my last week with these important and powerful symbols, cermonies and rituals gives the experiences even more weight...
just past Beltane - Celtic festival of fire, fertility and love, also known as May Day, when maidens with flowers in their hair dance around the phallic May pole. At Beltane, the maiden met the Horned-God or Green Man in a cave, and coupled with him anonymously. It was a sacred act, and the fruits of that meeting were considered semi-divine. Taurus embodies divine desire, because it is a creative force that sustains life
putting 2 and 2 together and matching my last week with these important and powerful symbols, cermonies and rituals gives the experiences even more weight...
welcomed anger
I am very grateful to T. as he's allowed me unearth a strong emotion - once more
A few weeks back, "he sent me" to reexperience the most painful wound, one I had been not only avoiding but ignoring for years and years.... it'd been calling for attention in recent years, and the calls had grown louder in recent months and weeks, and BANG!!! one action, one decision, one word, one situation and the trap under my feet opened large and wiiiiiiiiiide...
Yes I fell deep into darkness
No I did nothing to stop the descent
Yes it was the most painful experience
No I didn't enjoy it
Yes I watched myself falling
No I don't wish the same pain to my worst enemy
Yes i would do the same again if it was required
Yes I knew deep down that it was worth the pain
Yes I discovered a real treasure in the darkness
Tonight he cancelled a meeting at the last minute and because it wasn't the first time, I felt a surge of anger rising and rising... the good thing was that I was on the train and wouldn't have called him there and then for the whole carriage to share what I had to say. Some things are private, after all! This time though I kept this anger going until I was home.
Yes I voiced it
No I didn't want to hurt myself for it
Yes my heartbeat was going very fast with anxiety
No I didn't feel guilty
Yes I broke a real good sweat
No I wouldn't do any different
Yes it was simply anger which vanished after taking shape in words
Yes remnants of the original pain resurfaced after our phone call
Yes I felt worthy, centered and respecting myself
it came
was expressed
went
end of story
thank you
A few weeks back, "he sent me" to reexperience the most painful wound, one I had been not only avoiding but ignoring for years and years.... it'd been calling for attention in recent years, and the calls had grown louder in recent months and weeks, and BANG!!! one action, one decision, one word, one situation and the trap under my feet opened large and wiiiiiiiiiide...
Yes I fell deep into darkness
No I did nothing to stop the descent
Yes it was the most painful experience
No I didn't enjoy it
Yes I watched myself falling
No I don't wish the same pain to my worst enemy
Yes i would do the same again if it was required
Yes I knew deep down that it was worth the pain
Yes I discovered a real treasure in the darkness
Tonight he cancelled a meeting at the last minute and because it wasn't the first time, I felt a surge of anger rising and rising... the good thing was that I was on the train and wouldn't have called him there and then for the whole carriage to share what I had to say. Some things are private, after all! This time though I kept this anger going until I was home.
Yes I voiced it
No I didn't want to hurt myself for it
Yes my heartbeat was going very fast with anxiety
No I didn't feel guilty
Yes I broke a real good sweat
No I wouldn't do any different
Yes it was simply anger which vanished after taking shape in words
Yes remnants of the original pain resurfaced after our phone call
Yes I felt worthy, centered and respecting myself
it came
was expressed
went
end of story
thank you
03 May 2008
v'là l'printemps!!
premier samedi de vrai printemps!!! yeepee!!! il était temps car la pelouse poussait, poussait, poussait... les quantités d'eau tombées ces dernières semaines lui convenaient si bien...
alors
Flymo est a-rri-vé-é-ée
sans s'pressé-é-ée
et elle a bien marché-é-é
next au programme de la journée, monter une table de jardin et sortir 4 chaises de leur carton!!!
c'est pas excitant tout ça???
alors
Flymo est a-rri-vé-é-ée
sans s'pressé-é-ée
et elle a bien marché-é-é
next au programme de la journée, monter une table de jardin et sortir 4 chaises de leur carton!!!
c'est pas excitant tout ça???
30 April 2008
un soir de printemps
je suis rentrée du boulot par le chemin des écoliers ce soir.
Métro direct, traversée de Tower Bridge, profitée de la vue et d'une lumière magnifique et changeante entre le gris sombre et les rayons du soleil traversant quelques nuages et illuminant l'eau couleur argent...
et puis c'était marée basse, et je suis descendue au bord de l'eau écouter les mouvements incessants, remercier ce fleuve majestueux qui fait vivre Londres, qui lui donne des ailes... je me suis sentie adoucie, caressée, invitée à ouvrir mon coeur - jusqu'à ce que le petit vent très frais ait raison de moi et du fait que je n'étais pas assez habillée...
j'aime cette ville fourmillante 24/7 aussi parce qu'il y a ces endroits "secrets" où le silence règne et la vie va au ralenti...
Métro direct, traversée de Tower Bridge, profitée de la vue et d'une lumière magnifique et changeante entre le gris sombre et les rayons du soleil traversant quelques nuages et illuminant l'eau couleur argent...
et puis c'était marée basse, et je suis descendue au bord de l'eau écouter les mouvements incessants, remercier ce fleuve majestueux qui fait vivre Londres, qui lui donne des ailes... je me suis sentie adoucie, caressée, invitée à ouvrir mon coeur - jusqu'à ce que le petit vent très frais ait raison de moi et du fait que je n'étais pas assez habillée...
j'aime cette ville fourmillante 24/7 aussi parce qu'il y a ces endroits "secrets" où le silence règne et la vie va au ralenti...
little claire
yes I have found her in a dark basement, confused, hurt, not trusting, yet having made this place hers and being as comfortable as possible in there - that is in between the time she got abused...
here she is...
here she is...
26 April 2008
inner judge
oh the anguish of standing up for myself
the difficulty of finding my own voice
actually no
it's more about giving a voice to my body
letting it out
hearing it
accepting it
how hard can it be to say to a dear friend "you know last night when you said 'your dodgy website' I felt judged and it hurt"? I broke a sweat while it was not warm, tears came up to my eyes when she explained she had thought about it and not only apologised but gave me a quick hug too... and the tears were saying "i'm so sorry that i may have caused you some embarrassment, discomfort or awkwardness by saying how I feel, me who is a nobody, i'm ashamed of my boldness, please forgive me"...
Well, pretty hard it was...
But then, how liberated I felt for the rest of the evening!! I had gained a sense of self worth and no one can ever take that from me, except the judge within. Because of course that's also what happened... her words woke up my inner judge big time and he took her words for himself ans had a go at me. So the hard bit in telling her these words, really, was a mean of telling my inner judge I did not like his attitude and in some way to say that i do not accept it.
the difficulty of finding my own voice
actually no
it's more about giving a voice to my body
letting it out
hearing it
accepting it
how hard can it be to say to a dear friend "you know last night when you said 'your dodgy website' I felt judged and it hurt"? I broke a sweat while it was not warm, tears came up to my eyes when she explained she had thought about it and not only apologised but gave me a quick hug too... and the tears were saying "i'm so sorry that i may have caused you some embarrassment, discomfort or awkwardness by saying how I feel, me who is a nobody, i'm ashamed of my boldness, please forgive me"...
Well, pretty hard it was...
But then, how liberated I felt for the rest of the evening!! I had gained a sense of self worth and no one can ever take that from me, except the judge within. Because of course that's also what happened... her words woke up my inner judge big time and he took her words for himself ans had a go at me. So the hard bit in telling her these words, really, was a mean of telling my inner judge I did not like his attitude and in some way to say that i do not accept it.
21 April 2008
good bye
Good bye my friend
ear dutiful and pleasing girl.
You have served me well
I am grateful, ever so
Your time is up though...
I can stand on my own feet
Listen to my inner voice and
Make it heard
Be truer to myself in earnest
Your time is up
My dearest mask i can take off
Worn out by all these years
No longer needed
My real face I show to the world
Without shame, with pride
Your time is up dearest
Good bye.
ear dutiful and pleasing girl.
You have served me well
I am grateful, ever so
Your time is up though...
I can stand on my own feet
Listen to my inner voice and
Make it heard
Be truer to myself in earnest
Your time is up
My dearest mask i can take off
Worn out by all these years
No longer needed
My real face I show to the world
Without shame, with pride
Your time is up dearest
Good bye.
20 April 2008
10 April 2008
it's just getting bigger... and bigger...
two and a half weeks and only now do I notice that the wind must have got stronger already back then... it happened far beyond the horizon and I didn't see it maybe also because I'd been falling low... but it's been building up stronger and stronger ever since, without me noticing.
the first highly formed waves have come crashing against the shore already... as an premise of a much bigger storm on its way? is my boat sea-worthy? I'm too far out to head back to safety to the harbour...
the biggest conscious test just gone seems now to have been only a few ripples on the surface compared to what is making its way toward me, as ancestral rage and hate surface from the deepest and darkest places and nothing will be stopping them this time. I'm prepared and terrified as I know it's the only way out and there's no escape. Not this time!
I can do with love, prayers, hugs, all good intentions...
the first highly formed waves have come crashing against the shore already... as an premise of a much bigger storm on its way? is my boat sea-worthy? I'm too far out to head back to safety to the harbour...
the biggest conscious test just gone seems now to have been only a few ripples on the surface compared to what is making its way toward me, as ancestral rage and hate surface from the deepest and darkest places and nothing will be stopping them this time. I'm prepared and terrified as I know it's the only way out and there's no escape. Not this time!
I can do with love, prayers, hugs, all good intentions...
09 April 2008
an oasis in the desert
desert crossing is always a challenge
silence
long days
aloneness
vastness
humility
test
strong sun
coming closer is an oasis
shadowy
full of life
water
colours
peace
rest
silence
long days
aloneness
vastness
humility
test
strong sun
coming closer is an oasis
shadowy
full of life
water
colours
peace
rest
07 April 2008
i can say good bye
therapeutic tears... thank you.
I am grateful I can easily stop, cry and listen.
Two weeks ago they were begging "don't go, stay, please! my heart hurts too much!!"
Two weeks later and a quick online chat, they asked for a proper good bye, then said good bye
genuinely, meaning what it says on the tin "GOOD" bye...
Once again I have seen T. as Other and not "simply" as an image of myself in the surface of the lake... But the pain is such that I have come in contact and retreated fast again. Hopefully next time will come sooner than last and will be less painful. And the time after that sooner and less painful still...
yet however painful, after i retreat it feels like a victory for Love with a capital "L", not petty love with a small "l". This is a reason to celebrate!
I am grateful I can easily stop, cry and listen.
Two weeks ago they were begging "don't go, stay, please! my heart hurts too much!!"
Two weeks later and a quick online chat, they asked for a proper good bye, then said good bye
genuinely, meaning what it says on the tin "GOOD" bye...
Once again I have seen T. as Other and not "simply" as an image of myself in the surface of the lake... But the pain is such that I have come in contact and retreated fast again. Hopefully next time will come sooner than last and will be less painful. And the time after that sooner and less painful still...
yet however painful, after i retreat it feels like a victory for Love with a capital "L", not petty love with a small "l". This is a reason to celebrate!
06 April 2008
ahhhhh, Spring!!
welcome to Spring, time of newness ...
yes to the flowers
yes to the tender green grass and leaves of all shapes
yes to the temperature-closer-to-summer-than-april-time
yes to the snow inviting itself for the day
i love the impredictability as it keeps reminding me to be humble
04 April 2008
making space for the Goddesses inside
day trip to Paris.
needed to raise to the occasion.
calling on the Goddess Athena
needed her present, ambitious, clear and quick minded and rational.
present she was, pleased to be on stage and play the part again
she sent out excellent vibes
then sent in the emotional bill!
loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, invisibility, ugliness...
"of course!" I think hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand.
dear cold, calculating, planning Athena
leaves a trail of emotional vacuum
and my inside half, three-quarter (or more?) dead!
dead!? when Paris offers
romance and sensuality
love and sex
as well as car horns
deafening underground
quiet, stunning Cour carrée du Louvre
and improvised, delightful opera soprano
in the warm early Spring evening sun.
connecting with the beauty of the site
not allowed,
'cos i'm worth it, remember?
in the end,
thanked Athena for her help
asked her to step down
til next time.
let go of emotional memories
anchored in my body
and a smile being drawn on my face.
needed to raise to the occasion.
calling on the Goddess Athena
needed her present, ambitious, clear and quick minded and rational.
present she was, pleased to be on stage and play the part again
she sent out excellent vibes
then sent in the emotional bill!
loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, invisibility, ugliness...
"of course!" I think hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand.
dear cold, calculating, planning Athena
leaves a trail of emotional vacuum
and my inside half, three-quarter (or more?) dead!
dead!? when Paris offers
romance and sensuality
love and sex
as well as car horns
deafening underground
quiet, stunning Cour carrée du Louvre
and improvised, delightful opera soprano
in the warm early Spring evening sun.
connecting with the beauty of the site
not allowed,
'cos i'm worth it, remember?
in the end,
thanked Athena for her help
asked her to step down
til next time.
let go of emotional memories
anchored in my body
and a smile being drawn on my face.
what is time anyway?
10 days
a split second
an eternity
and still no clear answer to my question...
10 days
one minute yes
no the next
and still stuck in a clear confusion
a split second
an eternity
and still no clear answer to my question...
10 days
one minute yes
no the next
and still stuck in a clear confusion
half excited, half terrified
More and more I am discovering facets of who I am...
I try to say to the world that I am like this when really, if I take responsibility for my actions, I am more like that - or at least, I am ALSO like that...
I try to say to the world that I am like this when really, if I take responsibility for my actions, I am more like that - or at least, I am ALSO like that...
I am fine with it
I am not fine with it
Where am I?
Who am I?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Is this REALLY me?
At the moment, yes.
Am going over the top or is it simply who I am?
I don't have the answer at this very time...
I am not fine with it
Where am I?
Who am I?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Is this REALLY me?
At the moment, yes.
Am going over the top or is it simply who I am?
I don't have the answer at this very time...
02 April 2008
one big lesson
If only one thing I have learnt over the last week:
I have value for myself,
I can support, love, be present, listen, care for myself,
Being alone does not equate being worthless
I have value for myself,
I can support, love, be present, listen, care for myself,
Being alone does not equate being worthless
choices...
Went to my regular 5Rhyhthms dance class on Monday night.
It was a difficult choice to make - be with myself and let my body and the emotions stored in her simply BE, or go home and hide and "forget" all evening on my computer...
Was clearly shown the weekend before Easter that I must let go of my own Past before opening up to a new future.
It is my choice to let it go - does it still nourish me and do I want to cling onto it to make the current experiences "real", or say NO to the old attitudes that are nowhere near reality...
Learnt and practiced soul retrieval in last weekend's component of a 1-year shamanic training.
I have the choice to believe that the event that unfolded 48h later are related to the soul piece that was brought back to me, or not...
The last week has clearly exposed my deep deep sense aloneness. The outer storm brought me on me knees, crying in pain and despair.
I had the choice to call upon my analyst or very close friends to cry on their shoulders for gaining outer support, or stay alone, listen to what my tears need to communicate and bring support from within...
Do we only learn big lessons in times of difficulty or conflict?
It was a difficult choice to make - be with myself and let my body and the emotions stored in her simply BE, or go home and hide and "forget" all evening on my computer...
Was clearly shown the weekend before Easter that I must let go of my own Past before opening up to a new future.
It is my choice to let it go - does it still nourish me and do I want to cling onto it to make the current experiences "real", or say NO to the old attitudes that are nowhere near reality...
Learnt and practiced soul retrieval in last weekend's component of a 1-year shamanic training.
I have the choice to believe that the event that unfolded 48h later are related to the soul piece that was brought back to me, or not...
The last week has clearly exposed my deep deep sense aloneness. The outer storm brought me on me knees, crying in pain and despair.
I had the choice to call upon my analyst or very close friends to cry on their shoulders for gaining outer support, or stay alone, listen to what my tears need to communicate and bring support from within...
Do we only learn big lessons in times of difficulty or conflict?
01 April 2008
Elle et moi (2) - English
She's back
I've begged her not to leave me
She's heard my despair
She's staying
Probation period
To know one another again
Communication resumed
She wants always more
From me
Presence in the now
Attention and care
Gentleness and tenderness
Clear boundaries
Ability to make demands
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
In return
She'll give me
Presence in the now
Centeredness
Sense of empowerment
Ability to transform
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
I've begged her not to leave me
She's heard my despair
She's staying
Probation period
To know one another again
Communication resumed
She wants always more
From me
Presence in the now
Attention and care
Gentleness and tenderness
Clear boundaries
Ability to make demands
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
In return
She'll give me
Presence in the now
Centeredness
Sense of empowerment
Ability to transform
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
And much much more...
30 March 2008
contradictions
Often i've got a voice deep within that tells me "no, don't, it's not the right thing/person/location..." and I dismiss it... I don't want to hear it, it's a hinderance more than anything else - or so ego2 thinks.
Interestingly I don't have any memories of a voice deep within saying "yeah, go for it" when ego2 dismisses it because it doesn't want to go for it because of x, y or z....
It must have heppened though and I'm curious to start noticing those moments...
Interestingly I don't have any memories of a voice deep within saying "yeah, go for it" when ego2 dismisses it because it doesn't want to go for it because of x, y or z....
It must have heppened though and I'm curious to start noticing those moments...
29 March 2008
quote
What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?
Nietzsche
Nietzsche
28 March 2008
going alone
as I find myself very much alone... (dare I say lonely?) i note that the world is conspiring for me to go back within... I believe this is no coincidence about the timing of what happened in the last 2 or 3 weeks. As if the world had made sure I was prepared for what was coming to hit me...
It "all" started when I got a strong call to go back to my grand-parents house in Brittany. I knew I needed to go alone even though I had no idea what the purpose was. I didn't have any other intention than to remain open to what would come to me. I stayed for 2.5 days and the messages I got were clear - let go of your own story and history (different from forgetting or denying or giving it up!); the strong feeling of being home in this place in the physical world, take with you and make yourself your home so that it is with you at all times;
as I came back to London with a few more days off, my psychoanalyst had gone on holiday for a few weeks, something that hadn't happened for a really long time; my dear friend I. had gone to SA for a few weeks, too, for his own journey; my dear friend R. has been working in York for a while now and it's not always straight forward to meet at weekends; Yet I was excited also because it'd been a couple of weeks since I last met T. and thought we'd meet soon... I was wrong and the timing of him calling a day on something that had never really started but in which I had invested a lot could not be more difficult (or appropriate, depending on whic way you look at it...). From being and needing to be alone, I felt (and needed to feel?) lonely...
Of course I could have chosen to email my analyst, to call my friends, to cry and ask for support... but deep down I knew i needed to go alone, to let myself fall into the darkest tunnel full of ghosts of past and present times... After a first terrifying 24h filled with excrutiating physical pain and a sense of complete desperation, it is as if I got used to the darkness and as I accepted it, made friend with it, the fall slowed down, even stopped for short periods of times... before picking up speed again! I believe that the sweetness and gentleness of this man increased not only the speed of my fall but also the pain that I experienced: there was no blanket of anger or resentment to be hiding behind this time making the whole experience full blast!! "Funny" enough, I believe this is the best gidt I could give myself!
I have often thought in the past that the men I liked were not available... I know now that most of the time, I was not available, however strong and loud I claimed the opposite!!! This time, i do not know and I will live the question, as well as leave it open...
It "all" started when I got a strong call to go back to my grand-parents house in Brittany. I knew I needed to go alone even though I had no idea what the purpose was. I didn't have any other intention than to remain open to what would come to me. I stayed for 2.5 days and the messages I got were clear - let go of your own story and history (different from forgetting or denying or giving it up!); the strong feeling of being home in this place in the physical world, take with you and make yourself your home so that it is with you at all times;
as I came back to London with a few more days off, my psychoanalyst had gone on holiday for a few weeks, something that hadn't happened for a really long time; my dear friend I. had gone to SA for a few weeks, too, for his own journey; my dear friend R. has been working in York for a while now and it's not always straight forward to meet at weekends; Yet I was excited also because it'd been a couple of weeks since I last met T. and thought we'd meet soon... I was wrong and the timing of him calling a day on something that had never really started but in which I had invested a lot could not be more difficult (or appropriate, depending on whic way you look at it...). From being and needing to be alone, I felt (and needed to feel?) lonely...
Of course I could have chosen to email my analyst, to call my friends, to cry and ask for support... but deep down I knew i needed to go alone, to let myself fall into the darkest tunnel full of ghosts of past and present times... After a first terrifying 24h filled with excrutiating physical pain and a sense of complete desperation, it is as if I got used to the darkness and as I accepted it, made friend with it, the fall slowed down, even stopped for short periods of times... before picking up speed again! I believe that the sweetness and gentleness of this man increased not only the speed of my fall but also the pain that I experienced: there was no blanket of anger or resentment to be hiding behind this time making the whole experience full blast!! "Funny" enough, I believe this is the best gidt I could give myself!
I have often thought in the past that the men I liked were not available... I know now that most of the time, I was not available, however strong and loud I claimed the opposite!!! This time, i do not know and I will live the question, as well as leave it open...
26 March 2008
right here and right now
I feel my heart, strong in my chest, I am at peace
In 2 seconds my mind will wonder off to a sweet memory or something that will not be and my whole body will cry
Ten minutes after that I might be well at peace again
This pain i have never experienced, or should i say my mind has no memory of anything similar... Anyone read Harry Potter or the Northern Lights trilogy? The terror I experience resembles that described in the sucking by the dementors or that by the spectres... dragging me to a place beyond any word where I feel dead - I talk, I work, I go through the motion, I can even laugh and sound merry but there's noone home because the home, my home, I've let it been sucked away... There's only darkness, emptiness, invisibility, cold and loneliness left.
In this deepest fear that can only happen at a cellular level, there's no anger, no resentment, no blame, no guilt and no shame. There's a prayer mixed in with the tears crashing on my chest, "don't leave me it hurts too much" and a desperate call "i'll do better, I'll change, I'll learn how to please, please give me another chance"... but is it him that I'm begging to stay or is it my home sweet home that i'd given him? In other words, am I in love with him or with the relationship which made me feel whole?
I believe I know the answer.
In 2 seconds my mind will wonder off to a sweet memory or something that will not be and my whole body will cry
Ten minutes after that I might be well at peace again
This pain i have never experienced, or should i say my mind has no memory of anything similar... Anyone read Harry Potter or the Northern Lights trilogy? The terror I experience resembles that described in the sucking by the dementors or that by the spectres... dragging me to a place beyond any word where I feel dead - I talk, I work, I go through the motion, I can even laugh and sound merry but there's noone home because the home, my home, I've let it been sucked away... There's only darkness, emptiness, invisibility, cold and loneliness left.
In this deepest fear that can only happen at a cellular level, there's no anger, no resentment, no blame, no guilt and no shame. There's a prayer mixed in with the tears crashing on my chest, "don't leave me it hurts too much" and a desperate call "i'll do better, I'll change, I'll learn how to please, please give me another chance"... but is it him that I'm begging to stay or is it my home sweet home that i'd given him? In other words, am I in love with him or with the relationship which made me feel whole?
I believe I know the answer.
25 March 2008
an eye opener...
torn to pieces
excrutiating pain
of not being met
of not being loved
for no other reason than being me
ego2 goes to war
inviting anger
letting in resentment
for no other reason than avoiding the pain
imprinted into each and all cells
my body remembers
screaming with despair
willing to accept anything
for a promise that the pain will go never to return
the well's wide mouth's
showing its cold darkness
i know its slippery sides
no where to hold onto
falllllllllllllllllllllllllllling
back in time
the separation is ancient
the pain is real and present
no escape but to feel
ego1 comes to the rescue
loving presence
allowing the sobbing
welcoming the tantrum
of little claire re-living her most painful wound
separation re-enacted
with love, respect and gentleness
making it more painful
for the lack of ennemy
two stories
gotten mixed up
letting go the Ancient
opening new eyes to the most recent
two stories
tied to one another
for now
untangled tomorrow
excrutiating pain
of not being met
of not being loved
for no other reason than being me
ego2 goes to war
inviting anger
letting in resentment
for no other reason than avoiding the pain
imprinted into each and all cells
my body remembers
screaming with despair
willing to accept anything
for a promise that the pain will go never to return
the well's wide mouth's
showing its cold darkness
i know its slippery sides
no where to hold onto
falllllllllllllllllllllllllllling
back in time
the separation is ancient
the pain is real and present
no escape but to feel
ego1 comes to the rescue
loving presence
allowing the sobbing
welcoming the tantrum
of little claire re-living her most painful wound
separation re-enacted
with love, respect and gentleness
making it more painful
for the lack of ennemy
two stories
gotten mixed up
letting go the Ancient
opening new eyes to the most recent
two stories
tied to one another
for now
untangled tomorrow
24 March 2008
A little reminder...
If and when I genuinely forgive myself, i can take a few breaths into my belly, relax my jaw, my knees and my hips and send a loving feeling inward...
20 March 2008
19 March 2008
falling in love
i fall in love more and more often
twice over the last 10 days
the first time it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my rib-cage
then i'd forgotten between the first and second time
and just now it feels like I'm being alive
both times I have fallen in love with my wounded inner child
and it's felt very good to be present with her
providing her with space, time, love, presence, gentleness...
she's felt that she exists at last and that her wound is real
that she's being taken seriously
she's felt alive
and when she feels that way, so do I...
twice over the last 10 days
the first time it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my rib-cage
then i'd forgotten between the first and second time
and just now it feels like I'm being alive
both times I have fallen in love with my wounded inner child
and it's felt very good to be present with her
providing her with space, time, love, presence, gentleness...
she's felt that she exists at last and that her wound is real
that she's being taken seriously
she's felt alive
and when she feels that way, so do I...
be present, here and now...
easier said than done.
yet
I've committed to it
signed a contract with myself... which I need to put under my face again and again and again
with gentleness
yet
I've committed to it
signed a contract with myself... which I need to put under my face again and again and again
with gentleness
18 March 2008
grandir, c'est mourir un peu...
Comme à chaque fois que je « dois » prendre une décision importante, j’y pense pendant longtemps, je tergiverse, je tourne et retourne la situation dans tous les sens, « est-ce vraiment ce que je veux, ce dont j’ai besoin…. » Et puis un beau jour, tout est limpide, simple et les étapes de préparation s’enchaînent sans heurt. Alors quand j’ai pensé pour la première fois à venir à Port-Blanc, et que je “savais” que je devais faire seule ce retour aux sources, ça a rendu la situation un peu plus compliquée, mais finalement sans grande conséquence…
Si au moment de la mort de Bonne-mam’ j’ai eu de nombreux « c’est la dernière fois… », cette fois ça a été beaucoup de « j’ai démarré ma route, j’y suis presque… ». Les larmes ont coulé alors que le train partait de London Waterloo, que le Ferry quittait le quai à Portsmouth, que je démarrait la voiture de loc’ à St Malo, que je passais le passage à niveau à la sortie de Guingamp, le panneau de Penvénan sur la route de Tréguier, puis dès la première inspiration à l’entrée dans la cuisine… Cette odeur, cette odeur… c’est la mer, l’humidité, les petits-déjeuners si tardifs que les grands préparent déjà le repas de « midi », le feu de bois, la terre, le vélo rouillé, le renfermé, le pain grillé du matin, le soleil qui souhaite la bienvenue à une nouvelle journée, la marée, le Chouen au fond du jardin, la vase, les crevettes, la pêche aux lançons à la pleine lune et grande marée, le poisson, les bonbons du fond de l’armoire et ceux qui remplissent la soupière, les bottes qui s’alignent sous la fenêtre, les bonjours à la cantonade… cette odeur, c’est tout ça à la fois, et plus encore !
A Dieu Vat, c’est le nom de la maison, c’est « chez moi ». C’est un retour aux sources familiales bien sûr mais surtout, surtout, un retour à l’intérieur de moi-même. Comme si chaque petite (ou grande) action faite dans ce lieu et ses alentours – être assise sur un banc passé le sillon de l’île aux femmes pour profiter du coucher de soleil, me cuisiner un maquereau, une promenade sur les rochers de Trestel à marée descendante, un retour au Gouffre même à marée descendante et par vent d’ouest (je savais que ça ne « sauterait » pas), un aller/retour tout au bout du sillon de Talbert, une excursion à Ploumanac’h – est une nouvelle porte ouverte dans mon chez moi intérieur, une autorisation à être, à sentir, à écouter, à entendre, à découvrir, à connaître, à aimer, à vivre… Paradoxalement, quand une porte est ouverte, il n’a plus moyen de faire marche arrière et mon corps le sent et le sait. Une petite part d’innocence s’envole et rapidement n’est plus. Et les larmes coulent. Et chaque larme versée est une petite mortde ce qui fut mais n’est plus, car j’accepte de grandir, de prendre la place qui est la mienne dans cette vie qui se dessine tous les jours avec un peu plus de clarté. Oh c’est sûr, il y a toujours une voix qui fait tout pour m’empêcher de grandir et elle a bien failli réussir, « n’y vas pas seule, les soirées vont être longues et un peu lugubre dans cette grande maison que tu as toujours connue pleine, en été… ». J’ai fini par succomber à cette voix et soumis l’invitation à deux amis, l’un après l’autre, mais elle n’a pas eu gain de cause, mes amis ne pouvaient venir !
Il devait être écrit quelque part dans l’univers que je devais faire ce pèlerinage seule… L’heure de laisser une partie de mon histoire derrière moi avait sans doute sonné !
Initiation to womanhood
Returning Home
Like the prodigal son
Finding new strength
Deep inside the womb’s safety
Seeing much loved old places
For the first time
Filling the breeze of old air
In new lungs
Feeling the roughness of old rocks
With the softness of new baby’s fingers
Tasting the freshness of old food
With new lips and tongue
Hearing the old music of the waves
Through new eardrums
Riding an elastic rubber band
Venturing to the “dangerous out there”
By following my instincts
Deep inside my core
Before
Rushing back to the “safety”
Of my thoughts
Locked inside my brain cortex
Out
A little further
Back
To recharge…
Steps of Initiation
Buckets of tears running down
Pain of letting go of the old
Fear and excitement of letting in the unknown
Steps of Initiation
Into a new age – letting go of my story
08 March 2008
Elle et moi
Ecrit il y a 18 ans, alors inconsciente des mots posés sur le papier, ce poème prend toute sa valeur dans ma vie d'aujourd'hui... quelqu'un l'a entendu --- c'est moi
clairem --- 16 fév 1990
Pourquoi j'ai le cafard?
Je n'ai pas de nouvelles.
Pourquoi je broie du noir?
Je m'éloigne d'elle.
Elle c'est moi
et moi c'est elle.
Elle ne me connait pas
Je ne sais rien d'elle.
Elle est une étrangère
Je ne me reconnais plus.
Comme un bibelot sur une étagère
Qu'on a assez vu.
Que doit-on faire d'elle?
Je me sens mal.
Comment me rapprocher d'elle
Sans me faire encore plus de mal?
Rien ni personne ne m'arrête.
J'ai perdu toute ma confiance
En ce qui va apparaître
Et en ceux qui me font des avances.
Je tends les mains
A qui veut les prendre.
Elle espère que demain
Quelqu'un va l'entendre.
Je n'ai pas de nouvelles.
Pourquoi je broie du noir?
Je m'éloigne d'elle.
Elle c'est moi
et moi c'est elle.
Elle ne me connait pas
Je ne sais rien d'elle.
Elle est une étrangère
Je ne me reconnais plus.
Comme un bibelot sur une étagère
Qu'on a assez vu.
Que doit-on faire d'elle?
Je me sens mal.
Comment me rapprocher d'elle
Sans me faire encore plus de mal?
Rien ni personne ne m'arrête.
J'ai perdu toute ma confiance
En ce qui va apparaître
Et en ceux qui me font des avances.
Je tends les mains
A qui veut les prendre.
Elle espère que demain
Quelqu'un va l'entendre.
clairem --- 16 fév 1990
learning, forgetting, learning again, forgetting again...
reading back some posts from the early days of my blog... wow, strong stuff I wrote there sometimes. beautiful, too...
what I read, though, is how much life I learn, get a "Ah-ha!", live in it for a while, and then drift out and forget. Yet it often was the most important thing of all, the sweetest discovery, the feeling of being home at long last... and I forget. Only to re-learn the "same" thing again a few weeks, months or a couple of years later! And the funny thing is that it feels like a groundbreaking discovery again. I have only a vague memory, something like "yes, i sort of remember then, i felt it was quite important", followed by "but right now it's kind of a different league of feelings all together".... well it's not.
I remember how my gran' used to say "to remember something for ever, you have to learn it 7 times, and forget it 6 times in between"... I don't know about 7 times... a life time process, that's for sure! :)
what I read, though, is how much life I learn, get a "Ah-ha!", live in it for a while, and then drift out and forget. Yet it often was the most important thing of all, the sweetest discovery, the feeling of being home at long last... and I forget. Only to re-learn the "same" thing again a few weeks, months or a couple of years later! And the funny thing is that it feels like a groundbreaking discovery again. I have only a vague memory, something like "yes, i sort of remember then, i felt it was quite important", followed by "but right now it's kind of a different league of feelings all together".... well it's not.
I remember how my gran' used to say "to remember something for ever, you have to learn it 7 times, and forget it 6 times in between"... I don't know about 7 times... a life time process, that's for sure! :)
04 March 2008
implosion
I said "I can't be asked"
something snapped!
I disconnected
my mind went blank
my heart burns
each drop of blood has turned to stone
even tears refuse to overflow
yet I feel a massive struggle inside
the volcano is rumbling hard
will it be lava running free on its slope
will it be an explosion
i've got no idea what's causing this
i'm in it, so much so that i'm blinded
i feel that my words won't come to my rescue this time
they're only taking me away
the talking will take place another way
something snapped!
I disconnected
my mind went blank
my heart burns
each drop of blood has turned to stone
even tears refuse to overflow
yet I feel a massive struggle inside
the volcano is rumbling hard
will it be lava running free on its slope
will it be an explosion
i've got no idea what's causing this
i'm in it, so much so that i'm blinded
i feel that my words won't come to my rescue this time
they're only taking me away
the talking will take place another way
29 February 2008
merci bon'-mam'
L'année avant la mort de Bonne-maman, j'avais le coeur serré chaque fois que je la quittais : "est-ce la dernière fois ?", "la reverrais-je ?" Et le miracle se reproduisait encore, et encore, et encore quand je prenais le temps de passer à Paris. Puis elle a finalement quitté ce monde humain et du visible début décembre. Mes larmes coulaient à flots sur mes joues chaudes et laissaient des cratères de sel le long des aisselles du nez quand je me disais: : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Sur son lit, elle était petite, légèrement défigurée et son nez m'apparut immense dans son visage creusé mais paisible. Le personnel des pompes funèbres est arrivé pour l'installer dans son cerceuil. En quittant la chambre, les larmes coulaient quand je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Elle m'apparut encore plus petite et encore plus frêle dans cette boîte en beau bois clair, un linceul portant ses initiales, la dernière demeure d'un corps qui avait fini par abandonner après de longues années de bons et loyaux services. Lorsque le policier en civil a scellé le cercueil, les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
C'est honorée et aimée qu'elle entra dans l'église, portée sur les épaules fortes de ses fils et beaux-fils et les larmes de l'assemblée. Elle avait elle-même choisi les textes pour son propre départ, espérant sans doute qu'ils l'aident à s'envoler vraiment, à libérer son âme de cette réalité terrestre transitoire. On a ri d'entendre les souvenirs de ses enfants et petits-enfants, tous faisant allusion à la boîte à gâteaux et à bonbons de l'armoire du salon. Puis elle repartit dans l'autre sens, vers son dernier voyage, et les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Le soleil chaud du mois de décembre était présent à Port-Blanc pour l'inhumation. La descente du cercueil dans le caveau, où elle rejoignait son mari parti 10 ans plus tôt, a fait coulé les larmes et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Puis je suis allée me tremper et libérer mes poumons dans cette eau bretonne tant aimée. Ma tante M. m'a dit "ca ressemble à un baptême"... Ah, oui, tiens, je n'y avais pas pensé. Aujourd'hui, avec le recul, j'y vois non seulement un baptême, mais aussi une naissance. Le jour où bon'-mam' a été mise en terre est le jour où ma vie a été transformée. Une vie nouvelle s'est dessinée devant moi.
Comme si un voile s'était déchiré, révélant une réalité jusqu'à présent cachée
J'ai accepté de grandir et d'être initiée, de m'aimer toute entière, enfin,
J'ai accepté l'immense pouvoir qui m'a été donné d'être femme, de le vivre, de le dire, de le danser,
Je franchis une nouvelle ligne de départ chaque jour un peu différente et un peu pareille.
Je ne me suis jamais sentie aussi vivante, vibrante, aimante, présente, patiente, attentive, sensible...
Sur son lit, elle était petite, légèrement défigurée et son nez m'apparut immense dans son visage creusé mais paisible. Le personnel des pompes funèbres est arrivé pour l'installer dans son cerceuil. En quittant la chambre, les larmes coulaient quand je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Elle m'apparut encore plus petite et encore plus frêle dans cette boîte en beau bois clair, un linceul portant ses initiales, la dernière demeure d'un corps qui avait fini par abandonner après de longues années de bons et loyaux services. Lorsque le policier en civil a scellé le cercueil, les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
C'est honorée et aimée qu'elle entra dans l'église, portée sur les épaules fortes de ses fils et beaux-fils et les larmes de l'assemblée. Elle avait elle-même choisi les textes pour son propre départ, espérant sans doute qu'ils l'aident à s'envoler vraiment, à libérer son âme de cette réalité terrestre transitoire. On a ri d'entendre les souvenirs de ses enfants et petits-enfants, tous faisant allusion à la boîte à gâteaux et à bonbons de l'armoire du salon. Puis elle repartit dans l'autre sens, vers son dernier voyage, et les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Le soleil chaud du mois de décembre était présent à Port-Blanc pour l'inhumation. La descente du cercueil dans le caveau, où elle rejoignait son mari parti 10 ans plus tôt, a fait coulé les larmes et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Puis je suis allée me tremper et libérer mes poumons dans cette eau bretonne tant aimée. Ma tante M. m'a dit "ca ressemble à un baptême"... Ah, oui, tiens, je n'y avais pas pensé. Aujourd'hui, avec le recul, j'y vois non seulement un baptême, mais aussi une naissance. Le jour où bon'-mam' a été mise en terre est le jour où ma vie a été transformée. Une vie nouvelle s'est dessinée devant moi.
Comme si un voile s'était déchiré, révélant une réalité jusqu'à présent cachée
J'ai accepté de grandir et d'être initiée, de m'aimer toute entière, enfin,
J'ai accepté l'immense pouvoir qui m'a été donné d'être femme, de le vivre, de le dire, de le danser,
Je franchis une nouvelle ligne de départ chaque jour un peu différente et un peu pareille.
Je ne me suis jamais sentie aussi vivante, vibrante, aimante, présente, patiente, attentive, sensible...
27 February 2008
Is this love?
Finding the courage to be seen
Challenging the fear to be exposed
Allowing myself to be vulnerable
Finding the right name in my contacts
Pushing the green button
Stopping the time between each ring
Allowing my heart to skip a beat at the sound of that deep voice...
Is it?
Challenging the fear to be exposed
Allowing myself to be vulnerable
Finding the right name in my contacts
Pushing the green button
Stopping the time between each ring
Allowing my heart to skip a beat at the sound of that deep voice...
Is it?
24 February 2008
Narcissus
(Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio)Like Narcissus
I kept leaning above the still, mirror-like waters
Like Narcissus
I kept trying to seduce the reflected image of myself
I was in love with this image
Except that I didn't recognise it as my own
And I saw it everywhere, in everyone
I have loved
many times and many people
Or did I?
Have I loved the reflected image of myself
many times and in many people.
It sounds more like it
At this very moment the time of
judgment has gone
shame is forgotten
guilt has dissolved
compassion has been born
Instead
Accepting that Other
Breathes
Hurts
Rejoices
Tires
In a word
Exists
NOT for me
Allowing that my heart
Loves Other
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites Other
Allowing that my heart
Receives love
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites myself
Like Narcissus
I have kissed my lips and touched the truth
Unlike him though
Loving myself allows me to love Other
Freely
23 February 2008
I'm living exciting times
stepping out and diving in
is the story of my life
different intensities keeping me here and there
various attractions taking me there and back
multiple forces throwing me in and out
i'm observing different centres, all part of me
the socially accepted
the terribly anxious
the excited longing
the peaceful and quiet
the warm loving
the sexually open
...
playing hide and seek
I get lost
before
I find a new yet unknown centre
is the story of my life
different intensities keeping me here and there
various attractions taking me there and back
multiple forces throwing me in and out
i'm observing different centres, all part of me
the socially accepted
the terribly anxious
the excited longing
the peaceful and quiet
the warm loving
the sexually open
...
playing hide and seek
I get lost
before
I find a new yet unknown centre
20 February 2008
story of little clairem
Tonight and most of today, "I" has been a worthless and anxious little claire, feeling abandoned, longing for an answer that is not coming and making up all kind of stories, postponing deadlines to give him one more chance and try to find some peace. The fact that I am checking hopelessly my inbox every 3 seconds prevents any kind of peace to settle though..
Yet there are moments when I can centre myself, remain with little claire and love her, reassure her and make her feel how worthy and loveable she is. It lasts the time it lasts, usually not very long and it is an ongoing and endless process. Or so it feels... Yet after a whole day and a long evening at home (been back since 5pm) I feel that "I" is changing. Little claire is still very close by but she's no longer my omnipresent centre. As if the love had been enough - for this time - and she could accept to grow, come out of under a dark, wet blanket of shame (= I cannot be loved) and finally separate the longing and the anxiety...
I still want to see him but I don't feel crushed by an overwhelming need to know what's going on in his head. At the moment it's more like "i'm looking forward to hearing from him" than "i can't wait and this silence is killing me"
Yet there are moments when I can centre myself, remain with little claire and love her, reassure her and make her feel how worthy and loveable she is. It lasts the time it lasts, usually not very long and it is an ongoing and endless process. Or so it feels... Yet after a whole day and a long evening at home (been back since 5pm) I feel that "I" is changing. Little claire is still very close by but she's no longer my omnipresent centre. As if the love had been enough - for this time - and she could accept to grow, come out of under a dark, wet blanket of shame (= I cannot be loved) and finally separate the longing and the anxiety...
I still want to see him but I don't feel crushed by an overwhelming need to know what's going on in his head. At the moment it's more like "i'm looking forward to hearing from him" than "i can't wait and this silence is killing me"
18 February 2008
power of dreams...
I woke up this morning with the strong intention - planned - to get up a little early and meditate for 15 minutes or so before heading off to work. As I threw my feet then legs out of the warm sheets and sat on the side of my bed, head in hands, I suddenly had this flash in my head of an elusive dream I had just had.
I felt good each time I remembered this image. It allowed me to be excited again about tomorrow evening, to go dancing tonight and be carried by my dance and to come back home and feel good. As if a missing bit had just come back to me to help complete the giant jigsaw puzzle...
feeling of warmth in the air, as if summer, a few people/friends (?) standing having a drink and a good time when I see my boss in shorts and bare-chested with a beer in his hand, having a laugh and being very relaxed with everyone, part of the group I think. It is a bit of a shock!
I felt good each time I remembered this image. It allowed me to be excited again about tomorrow evening, to go dancing tonight and be carried by my dance and to come back home and feel good. As if a missing bit had just come back to me to help complete the giant jigsaw puzzle...
17 February 2008
a random winter sunday
beautiful winter day
cold and sunny
sunny and cold
people were out, on their feet, their bikes, on their prams, with sticks... some running, ipod strapped on their arm, change in their pockets, praparing for the London Marathon? Definitely some seemed to NOT enjoy the experience.
I was out. not where i'd planned, but still along the water. and the tide of the great river thames. It was a lovely day and I made the most of it. Yet I can't say I had a lovely day... was I going out to enjoy myself? to escape from my computer and the phone? was I expecting a call that never came? and so I went, whatever the reason(s). I am pleased I went. But I was not fully present to the moment. at least most of the time.
neither here nor there
i don't know what to do with myself
and so i observe
at least I try
but i never really know which "I" is talking, being the observer, feeling the feelings...
I feel exhausted just trying to get the full/clear picture...
cold and sunny
sunny and cold
people were out, on their feet, their bikes, on their prams, with sticks... some running, ipod strapped on their arm, change in their pockets, praparing for the London Marathon? Definitely some seemed to NOT enjoy the experience.
I was out. not where i'd planned, but still along the water. and the tide of the great river thames. It was a lovely day and I made the most of it. Yet I can't say I had a lovely day... was I going out to enjoy myself? to escape from my computer and the phone? was I expecting a call that never came? and so I went, whatever the reason(s). I am pleased I went. But I was not fully present to the moment. at least most of the time.
neither here nor there
i don't know what to do with myself
and so i observe
at least I try
but i never really know which "I" is talking, being the observer, feeling the feelings...
I feel exhausted just trying to get the full/clear picture...
16 February 2008
more questions than answers...
I feel very lost yet I know deep down that the path is taking me somewhere still unknown... and I feel that ultimately I am safe, because I know there will be pitfalls...
does it make sense? does it matter if it does (or not)?
I go about with some short moments of crystal clear clarity lost into long periods of dense fog. Exhaustion is not long to show up when I fight to find my way through it and then I sit down and want to give it all up (on the surface at least)... I know it's not the way to go about it yet I still do
I feel mutiple
there's no unity
not knowing how to relate
acting one way one day
compensating and overreacting the next
it's all coming at me
i've no control
who am I?
10 February 2008
self-congratulation
i can keep my own secrets
i am keeping a big one
i am patting myself on the back
things need nurturing before they can get born healthy
if they're out before their time, it's like an abortion
keeping them in feels empowering
i feel worthy
"well done clairem"
i am keeping a big one
i am patting myself on the back
things need nurturing before they can get born healthy
if they're out before their time, it's like an abortion
keeping them in feels empowering
i feel worthy
"well done clairem"
05 February 2008
les jours s'enchaînent et ne se ressemblent pas...
sur le toit du monde
de mon monde
pas dans les étoiles
ni au septième ciel
les pieds bien sur terre
ancrés
dans la clarté absolue
d'un paysage lavé
d'un coeur grand ouvert
sûr et confiant
merci
de mon monde
pas dans les étoiles
ni au septième ciel
les pieds bien sur terre
ancrés
dans la clarté absolue
d'un paysage lavé
d'un coeur grand ouvert
sûr et confiant
merci
02 February 2008
Plus rien qui marche
Une pièce finie
Coup de blues
Sorti de nulle part
Disparaître
Eteindre ce coeur incandescent qui se consumme
Rien qui marche
Tristesse
Peur
Colère
Entremêlées
Les vieilles échappatoires sont toutes usées
Rien qui marche
Barrage
Bâtisse
Château-fort
Vite fait, bien fait
Je tente en vain d'en reconstruire les hauts murs
Rien qui marche
Larmes
Hoquets
Caresses Inattendues et bienvenues
Les fondations se dissolvent
Plus rien qui marche
Coup de blues
Sorti de nulle part
Disparaître
Eteindre ce coeur incandescent qui se consumme
Rien qui marche
Tristesse
Peur
Colère
Entremêlées
Les vieilles échappatoires sont toutes usées
Rien qui marche
Barrage
Bâtisse
Château-fort
Vite fait, bien fait
Je tente en vain d'en reconstruire les hauts murs
Rien qui marche
Larmes
Hoquets
Caresses Inattendues et bienvenues
Les fondations se dissolvent
Plus rien qui marche
01 February 2008
2 smiles tonight
home on a friday evening with no plans except rest and laze around...
then a phone call from my friend I. who'd said he had plans elsewhere... "I don't feel like going, do you want to go for a drink?" This is so rare in London to actually feel like going out when i've already come home... but yes, I do feel like having a chat with him.
I start my dinner when msn calls me. My friend T. just passing by and wishing me a good evening (and more) while on his way out elsewhere, too... Very sweet!
I feel blessed to have these friends
Good evening to everyone!
then a phone call from my friend I. who'd said he had plans elsewhere... "I don't feel like going, do you want to go for a drink?" This is so rare in London to actually feel like going out when i've already come home... but yes, I do feel like having a chat with him.
I start my dinner when msn calls me. My friend T. just passing by and wishing me a good evening (and more) while on his way out elsewhere, too... Very sweet!
I feel blessed to have these friends
Good evening to everyone!
30 January 2008
one thing to remember
... at the time I identify with it and therefore it escapes me...
The first I've always known, grew up with, and she determined until very recently who I thought I was. That ego is as rigid as a wall, hates grey areas, holds onto principles, juges with-in and with-out, justifies herself on all topics, needs to be right and heard and honoured and praised and loved at ALL times! She needs recognition, to be put up there as THE special one - pretty, witty, funny, tanned... - you name it and it must be acknowledged as the best. She is addicted to perfection and therefore the glass is always half empty. She can't accept recognition or love given to her because she feels that she doesn't desserve acknowledgment and if it is given, surely it must be out of pity. Not compassion. Because she would have done better, gone higher, run faster, if only X, Y or Z... And for these exact reasons, there is never enough recognition, acknowledgment, love, praise... Sadly, there's no way out and it's a lose-lose situation
The second is emerging and getting stronger, more present, centered, introverted (in Jungian terms, i.e. what is meaningful to her comes from within, as opposed to extraverted type for whom meaningfulness comes from without). More genuine, more feminine, more allowing, more confident, more trusting, she doesn't need to be control-freak or to receive constant reminders of her worth from without - she knows it from inside, there's no need for extra. Yet if these extras are coming her way, she welcomes them and lets them in. She doesn't feel the need to convince other that her opinion IS the right one and she doesn't take herself too seriously.
The struggle has started a while back now but only last weekend did I experience it full blast and only yesterday did I understand it. Dictator has gone to war but gets lost in the middle of a battle when her opponent doesn't show up or sends sweet wine, flowers or an apology card instead...
I know I'll get thrown back and forth from one to the other, again and again; I'll identify with one then the other, again and again... but I also know now that there will be moments, possibly more and more frequent and intense when somehow "I" will step back and be a spectator, or an investigator of what is happening inside me. These are exciting time (nb2) even if they sometimes feel overwhelmingly depressing as I look at the height of the mountain to climb (nb1)...
I've got two egos
The first I've always known, grew up with, and she determined until very recently who I thought I was. That ego is as rigid as a wall, hates grey areas, holds onto principles, juges with-in and with-out, justifies herself on all topics, needs to be right and heard and honoured and praised and loved at ALL times! She needs recognition, to be put up there as THE special one - pretty, witty, funny, tanned... - you name it and it must be acknowledged as the best. She is addicted to perfection and therefore the glass is always half empty. She can't accept recognition or love given to her because she feels that she doesn't desserve acknowledgment and if it is given, surely it must be out of pity. Not compassion. Because she would have done better, gone higher, run faster, if only X, Y or Z... And for these exact reasons, there is never enough recognition, acknowledgment, love, praise... Sadly, there's no way out and it's a lose-lose situation
The second is emerging and getting stronger, more present, centered, introverted (in Jungian terms, i.e. what is meaningful to her comes from within, as opposed to extraverted type for whom meaningfulness comes from without). More genuine, more feminine, more allowing, more confident, more trusting, she doesn't need to be control-freak or to receive constant reminders of her worth from without - she knows it from inside, there's no need for extra. Yet if these extras are coming her way, she welcomes them and lets them in. She doesn't feel the need to convince other that her opinion IS the right one and she doesn't take herself too seriously.
The struggle has started a while back now but only last weekend did I experience it full blast and only yesterday did I understand it. Dictator has gone to war but gets lost in the middle of a battle when her opponent doesn't show up or sends sweet wine, flowers or an apology card instead...
I know I'll get thrown back and forth from one to the other, again and again; I'll identify with one then the other, again and again... but I also know now that there will be moments, possibly more and more frequent and intense when somehow "I" will step back and be a spectator, or an investigator of what is happening inside me. These are exciting time (nb2) even if they sometimes feel overwhelmingly depressing as I look at the height of the mountain to climb (nb1)...
24 January 2008
like a wave coming and leaving on the shore
so is my heart being pushed against my back cold and burning simultaneously
so are my tears - coming in then leaving...
if I listen long enough
they talk to me about love
and I cry harder
separation is taking place
with the accompanying pain
and a nascent flavour of deep joy
I am terrified to love and be loved
so is my heart being pushed against my back cold and burning simultaneously
so are my tears - coming in then leaving...
if I listen long enough
they talk to me about love
and I cry harder
separation is taking place
with the accompanying pain
and a nascent flavour of deep joy
I am terrified to love and be loved
23 January 2008
good luck wishes...
it worked the first time around
it'll have taken an awful long time to happen again
but here i am and it will tonight
I'm very excited and nervous...
it'll have taken an awful long time to happen again
but here i am and it will tonight
I'm very excited and nervous...
21 January 2008
on my need to be mothered...
I generally approach new chosen situations with excitment - sometimes apprehension, too - and that "everything is going to change, life will be better, I can start again from scratch..." attitude!
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.
But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.
i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!
I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.
But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.
i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!
I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...
15 January 2008
... de moi à vous à moi...
je savais que je n'aimais pas les conflits...
je savais que je n'aimais pas les explications brutes, sans que des pincettes ne soient prises et des "je suis désolée..." ne soient prononcés...
Je savais que j'avais peur des rencontres, car elles peuvent mener - et mènent forcément, à un point donné - à des opinions et des conflits ayant besoin d'être exprimés...
depuis quelques semaines, quelques mois, ou quelques années
les présences de chacun s'intensifiaient
ces rencontres se faisaient plus fréquentes - à deux ou à sept -
certaines plus que d'autres
ne se rencontrant pas forcément car déphasées
des choses sont en train de s'écrire, de se dire
de l'un aux autres, de l'autre aux uns
des étincelles et des feux d'artifices pour Clairette
des braises incandescentes trop chaudes pour Clairon
Clairon qui ne veut rien entendre
persil dans les oreilles et peaux de sauc' devant les yeux
réclame le status quo - celui d'hier, pas d'aujourd'hui
"on va tous être d'accord, pas la peine de s'engueuler"
des larmes de désespoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et je veux que vous m'aimiez comme j'en ai besoin - ne changeons rien"
Clairette qui est prête à grandir
se réjouit que certains silences s'achèvent
et que les graines soient plantées au moment des grands froids hivernaux
"on va pouvoir grandir ensemble, c'est chouette"
des larmes d'espoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et j'accepte nos différences - parlons-en, échangeons"
11 January 2008
pride...
did i put it on like a fancy dress that fitted so well that I never wanted to take it off? what's been hiding behind and who's been protected (and jailed) behind those bars? What do those bars look like?
some cracks have appeared today.
things happen without me planning them.
more tears coming up.
i don't hear what they're saying just yet: because I'm not listening or because it's an unknown language? or both?
some cracks have appeared today.
things happen without me planning them.
more tears coming up.
i don't hear what they're saying just yet: because I'm not listening or because it's an unknown language? or both?
10 January 2008
learning to be loved...
it feels good to meet, to really meet someone. It feels even better when that someone is a close and "loved" one as we commonly say.
So why does it bring tears?
What is the expansion and constriction that my heart feels?
Why is it so difficult to accept to be loved and let it in?
Why do I need to justify my existance every so often? "I am here... this is who I am... I have principles... this is what I think and I want to convince you... I am right, always or I get angry..."
Why is it so hard to breathe in the belly, relax the jaw and let the Earth carry my weight?
I do know some answers to these questions and yet I sometimes can't live them consciously... But I am grateful that some days as I note that I have gone into automatic mode (going fast, justifying my existance...) I am able to be gentle with myself and come back to the feminine within - allowing... This bring tears and inner peace.
These days, I know I've got a massive challenge in front of me. I feel the weight of it and I feel it bring me down from time to time. I don't know if I'll go through this time. But I'm confident that if it's not for this spiral of life it'll be for the next or the one after that...
So why does it bring tears?
What is the expansion and constriction that my heart feels?
Why is it so difficult to accept to be loved and let it in?
Why do I need to justify my existance every so often? "I am here... this is who I am... I have principles... this is what I think and I want to convince you... I am right, always or I get angry..."
Why is it so hard to breathe in the belly, relax the jaw and let the Earth carry my weight?
I do know some answers to these questions and yet I sometimes can't live them consciously... But I am grateful that some days as I note that I have gone into automatic mode (going fast, justifying my existance...) I am able to be gentle with myself and come back to the feminine within - allowing... This bring tears and inner peace.
These days, I know I've got a massive challenge in front of me. I feel the weight of it and I feel it bring me down from time to time. I don't know if I'll go through this time. But I'm confident that if it's not for this spiral of life it'll be for the next or the one after that...
07 January 2008
more ah-has...
Another Monday night... Another dance... Another experience...
I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...
Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.
I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.
Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...
Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!
I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...
Ah-ha!!
The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.
Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...
Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:
thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities
I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...
Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.
I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.
Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...
Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!
I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...
Ah-ha!!
The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.
Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...
Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:
thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities
05 January 2008
conflicting emotions
A man I have met a few weeks ago and who I would like to already consider a friend happen to go through the pain and distress of accompanying his mum as she slowly dies ...
I wish I could relieve him of some of the pain yet I know I cannot and that it is not necessarily desirable either... I personally would have hated anyone trying to stop me feeling the pain of the death of my grand-mother or the tears that inondated my cheeks and came crashing onto my chest... so I will do my utmost to make sure I don't try to alleviate someone else's pain if I haven''t been asked explicitely.
Still Clairon feels powerless and sad not to be able or allowed to act as a sponge soaking up his distress so that he can be ok... And Clairette feels alive and pleased to live her own life and not someone else's... somewhere in the middle I feel an immense compassion
I wish I could relieve him of some of the pain yet I know I cannot and that it is not necessarily desirable either... I personally would have hated anyone trying to stop me feeling the pain of the death of my grand-mother or the tears that inondated my cheeks and came crashing onto my chest... so I will do my utmost to make sure I don't try to alleviate someone else's pain if I haven''t been asked explicitely.
Still Clairon feels powerless and sad not to be able or allowed to act as a sponge soaking up his distress so that he can be ok... And Clairette feels alive and pleased to live her own life and not someone else's... somewhere in the middle I feel an immense compassion
02 January 2008
grandir... c'est dur mais c'est chouette!
Après un déclic qui m’a permis de trouver l’énergie nécessaire à la construction de mes étagères de rêves – et le plus beau c’est qu’après construction, elles y ressemblent presque !!!! – j’ai commencé à me sentir chez moi. Un chez moi devenu un peu plus spacieux à la suite du processus d’éventration systématique des cartons de bouquins qui gisaient au milieu du « salon », à moitié morts depuis la mi-septembre…
Et puis, tout comme « l’argent appelle l’argent », j’ai réalisé que l’espace doit appeler l’espace… Du salon, je suis passée à la chambre et ai fait le tri de mes fringues. Trois tas : à donner, à jeter, à garder… En quelques heures, je me suis sentie légère, légère, légère, tout comme le professeur Tournesol !
La suite j’en ai raconté un peu au fur et à mesure, mais pas beaucoup en français. Et la sémantique change d’une langue à l’autre. Je ne dis pas les mêmes sentiments, j’insiste plus ou moins sur tel ou tel épisode d’une situation donnée… Le 6 décembre, bonne-maman a quitté ce monde, quitté ce corps frêle qui lui causait tellement de douleur et de tourments depuis quelques mois. Loin d’être une surprise, ce départ m’a tout de même été très douloureux physiquement. Mon corps et chacune de mes cellules ont dit leur douleur. Des moments d’extrême désespoir accompagnés de larmes de crocodiles se succédant à des moments de paix et de silence intérieur.
Au cours des quelques jours qui ont suivi, les moments familiaux de joies et de fête d’anniversaire se sont juxtaposés à ceux des adieux autour d’un corps inerte et rapetissé d’une grand-mère bien-aimée. J’ai trouvé le courage - insoupçonné ? - de demander le soutien dont j’avais besoin par mots à certains ou par gestes à d’autres, et j’ai eu la chance et le douloureux bonheur de découvrir qu’on me l’offrait très volontiers… Est-il donc si facile d’aimer et d’être aimé ? Suffit-il de demander ? J’ai su m’ouvrir un peu plus, m’exposer et montrer qui je suis avec le risque ou plutôt la peur - encore fortement ancrée (et encrée ?) dans une mémoire cellulaire, ancestrale ou autre - de me faire rejeter…
Ces quelques jours intenses en émotions ont été rapidement suivis des fêtes de Noël, et d’une semaine supplémentaire passée en France, en famille. J’ai découvert l’importance de la famille, j’ai ressenti le besoin d’être entourée et j’ai poussé encore un peu plus loin cette ouverture, « voilà qui je suis ». Je sens que son décès m’a poussé à grandir, d’un coup, sans prévenir. Et c’est bon.
01 January 2008
Happy New Year/Bonne année
This is it! Cette fois, ça y est!
In London at least, we've left behind 2007, closed a new door then opened a new one and entered 2008. What it will bring or how it will bring it is open to speculation, questions, bets even for some...
Au moins à Londres, et à Paris une heure avant, on a laissée 2007 derrière nous, refermé gentillement la porte et ouverte une autre pour entrer de plein pied dans 2008. Ce qu'elle nous apportera, comment elle nous l'apportera reste encore un mystère ...
For now, as I'm preparing to go to bed soon, I want to say how grateful I am for the year just gone and I want to already say thank you for what will come my way in the next 12 months.
à l'heure qu'il est, alors que je ne vais pas tarter à aller me coucher, j'ai envie de dire ma gratitude pour cette année écoulée et je veux aussi dire merci pour tout ce que je erncontrerai sur mon chemin au cours des 12 prochains mois.
I wish you all the very best year, open to possibilities, to open eyes, ears, smells, tastes and touches, welcoming also the unexpected...
Je vous souhaite à tous et chacun la meilleure année, remplie de possibilités, en gardant les yeux, les oreilles, les narines, les papilles gustatives et le toucher ouverts pour souhaiter la bienvenue même à l'inattendu...
In London at least, we've left behind 2007, closed a new door then opened a new one and entered 2008. What it will bring or how it will bring it is open to speculation, questions, bets even for some...
Au moins à Londres, et à Paris une heure avant, on a laissée 2007 derrière nous, refermé gentillement la porte et ouverte une autre pour entrer de plein pied dans 2008. Ce qu'elle nous apportera, comment elle nous l'apportera reste encore un mystère ...
For now, as I'm preparing to go to bed soon, I want to say how grateful I am for the year just gone and I want to already say thank you for what will come my way in the next 12 months.
à l'heure qu'il est, alors que je ne vais pas tarter à aller me coucher, j'ai envie de dire ma gratitude pour cette année écoulée et je veux aussi dire merci pour tout ce que je erncontrerai sur mon chemin au cours des 12 prochains mois.
I wish you all the very best year, open to possibilities, to open eyes, ears, smells, tastes and touches, welcoming also the unexpected...
Je vous souhaite à tous et chacun la meilleure année, remplie de possibilités, en gardant les yeux, les oreilles, les narines, les papilles gustatives et le toucher ouverts pour souhaiter la bienvenue même à l'inattendu...
27 December 2007
Anis et Flore
Un petit gars est né
Quelques minutes avant sa soeur
Mais c'est elle qui s'éveille et
Vient goûter au sein gonflé
Deux poids plumes
Aux lèvres délicatement dessinées
Deux petites frimousses tour à tour
Relaxées puis renfrognées
Quatre yeux grand ouverts
Puis refermés
Des petits doigts si fragiles
Encore tous frippés
Frère et soeur
Deux petites beautés
Venant chambouler
La vie de leur grande soeur
De deux ans leur aînée
N. & B.
Félicitations et grand bonheur à vous cinq!
Quelques minutes avant sa soeur
Mais c'est elle qui s'éveille et
Vient goûter au sein gonflé
Deux poids plumes
Aux lèvres délicatement dessinées
Deux petites frimousses tour à tour
Relaxées puis renfrognées
Quatre yeux grand ouverts
Puis refermés
Des petits doigts si fragiles
Encore tous frippés
Frère et soeur
Deux petites beautés
Venant chambouler
La vie de leur grande soeur
De deux ans leur aînée
N. & B.
Félicitations et grand bonheur à vous cinq!
25 December 2007
Christmas Spirit
The last 24h have been a bit of a whirlwind of activities, sounds, connecting with people, making, chatting, laughing at jokes, eating... a lot happening outside and not much inner space.
Christmas' eve last night at 16 parents, siblings, in-laws, nephews and nieces, cousins and aunt
Christmas lunch today at 22, i.e. more siblings, in-laws and nieces
This Christmas spirit has left me tired and in need to retire and recharge my batteries... I feel that I have given an enormous amount of energy, shared a big part of myself - too big a part??? Not seeing them all very often, because I dance the 5Rhythms and because I am more than willing to talk about the kind of workshops I treat myself with, they ask questions of all sorts that are not always easy to answer. This year, I believe for the first time, I have had the chance to see and accept without guilt that I needed some inner space away from everyone else for a short while. And most importantly and most grateful for it, I have allowed myself to take this time away: I stop, sit down and write these words.
They helped me much for it as they all disappeared for an hour or so to an exhibition in town that I'd been to a couple of days ago. The silence, the music by Gabrielle Roth on the sound system, the returning home within... made me realise that I usually dive into the family energy and give without counting, without noticing... Can I call it giving? Maybe not. It may be more a matter of leaking away energy because I am not conscious of my needs.
And so I had gone from my body but I am pleased that this time it didn't take me another workshop, another psychotherapy session, another major crisis and many tears to find out and to re-discover the roots and anchor of my true being. This time, a few minutes of quietness, of having retired, of being alone and of checking inside what my needs are have allowed the feelings of being worthy and deeply engaged with myself to resurface. And the fact that this has happened in the family house is a gigantic and leap! It feels wonderful!!
I know I will give more in a minute as they have now come back but I have had this time for myself to check in, to thank myself... I am proud, I am pleased... I know there will be more allowing to happen to be able to remain in touch with my needs "at all times" and even in these big family reunions, but I can see this happening in the future.
Christmas' eve last night at 16 parents, siblings, in-laws, nephews and nieces, cousins and aunt
Christmas lunch today at 22, i.e. more siblings, in-laws and nieces
This Christmas spirit has left me tired and in need to retire and recharge my batteries... I feel that I have given an enormous amount of energy, shared a big part of myself - too big a part??? Not seeing them all very often, because I dance the 5Rhythms and because I am more than willing to talk about the kind of workshops I treat myself with, they ask questions of all sorts that are not always easy to answer. This year, I believe for the first time, I have had the chance to see and accept without guilt that I needed some inner space away from everyone else for a short while. And most importantly and most grateful for it, I have allowed myself to take this time away: I stop, sit down and write these words.
They helped me much for it as they all disappeared for an hour or so to an exhibition in town that I'd been to a couple of days ago. The silence, the music by Gabrielle Roth on the sound system, the returning home within... made me realise that I usually dive into the family energy and give without counting, without noticing... Can I call it giving? Maybe not. It may be more a matter of leaking away energy because I am not conscious of my needs.
And so I had gone from my body but I am pleased that this time it didn't take me another workshop, another psychotherapy session, another major crisis and many tears to find out and to re-discover the roots and anchor of my true being. This time, a few minutes of quietness, of having retired, of being alone and of checking inside what my needs are have allowed the feelings of being worthy and deeply engaged with myself to resurface. And the fact that this has happened in the family house is a gigantic and leap! It feels wonderful!!
I know I will give more in a minute as they have now come back but I have had this time for myself to check in, to thank myself... I am proud, I am pleased... I know there will be more allowing to happen to be able to remain in touch with my needs "at all times" and even in these big family reunions, but I can see this happening in the future.
-------------------------------
I went back to the buzzing energy of the group and sat down by the fire. One of my nephew, usually rather shy came to cuddled on my lap. It was a wonderful feeling of love and quiet. He stayed there for a long while and I loved every second of it as peace lingered on for a little longer... Thank you J.
I went back to the buzzing energy of the group and sat down by the fire. One of my nephew, usually rather shy came to cuddled on my lap. It was a wonderful feeling of love and quiet. He stayed there for a long while and I loved every second of it as peace lingered on for a little longer... Thank you J.
23 December 2007
Thank you
Yes, a big thank you to you(s) who sent me good wishes when I asked, whether by leaving messaging or otherwise...
The year of the sun 2007 is now over and the new year has started... I'm looking forward to the next last days of 2007 and i am certainly excited about 2008 showing up very soon...
Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you if I don't come back to write before that...
The year of the sun 2007 is now over and the new year has started... I'm looking forward to the next last days of 2007 and i am certainly excited about 2008 showing up very soon...
Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you if I don't come back to write before that...
15 December 2007
wish me luck
I'm wishing myself good luck tonight.
If you happen to pass by or if you've just stumbled upon my blog tonight, please take a short while to wish me goodluck from your heart. Even if you don't know why!!
Thank you ;-)
If you happen to pass by or if you've just stumbled upon my blog tonight, please take a short while to wish me goodluck from your heart. Even if you don't know why!!
Thank you ;-)
12 December 2007
so many gifts
I'm afraid there's not much more than my sorrow and mourning at the moment in the words I want to lay on the screen... you'll have to forgive me - or come back in a few days, a few weeks or a few months... I have no idea how long it will last!
Bonne mam' has given us many gifts and coming to brittany just a few days before the winter solstice, when the world stop for a few days before rising toward spring again, is certainly one of them; after a 6hours drive, we were greeted in the middle of the night by a sky bathed with stars with no moon, and that is certainly one of them; a sharp and clear, sunny day without a single pinch of wind is certainly one of them...
But her most wonderful gift has been - for me at least - to depart from this world as we had planned to meet (my parents and siblings) to celebrate my sister's 40th birthday. It was the first time we were to gather all together in more than 2years... what a way to say a common farewell before the funeral?
I have spent 5 days within the family core and this has been a real gift for me too. Being voluntarily expatriated, I have touched the importance of the close ties that unite me to my brothers and sisters and their spouses, to my parents and to my nieces and nephews, to my uncles and aunts and some of my cousins... The sharing has been intense...
I have come back home to London a slightly different person, as I have experienced (for the first time?) that I have my place in the family circle. I have sensed and accepted that others can love me and I have allowed (for the first time?) this love to penetrate me... sweet pain there...
I'm now back in london after many miles, many tears, smiles and laughs, many hugs given and received, many looks shared, many words spoken and heards, many thank yous... and this all feel as only the beginning, with more tears to come, more smiles and laughs to come, more hugs to come, more shared looks and words to come, more thank yous to come...
Bonne mam' has given us many gifts and coming to brittany just a few days before the winter solstice, when the world stop for a few days before rising toward spring again, is certainly one of them; after a 6hours drive, we were greeted in the middle of the night by a sky bathed with stars with no moon, and that is certainly one of them; a sharp and clear, sunny day without a single pinch of wind is certainly one of them...
But her most wonderful gift has been - for me at least - to depart from this world as we had planned to meet (my parents and siblings) to celebrate my sister's 40th birthday. It was the first time we were to gather all together in more than 2years... what a way to say a common farewell before the funeral?
I have spent 5 days within the family core and this has been a real gift for me too. Being voluntarily expatriated, I have touched the importance of the close ties that unite me to my brothers and sisters and their spouses, to my parents and to my nieces and nephews, to my uncles and aunts and some of my cousins... The sharing has been intense...
I have come back home to London a slightly different person, as I have experienced (for the first time?) that I have my place in the family circle. I have sensed and accepted that others can love me and I have allowed (for the first time?) this love to penetrate me... sweet pain there...
I'm now back in london after many miles, many tears, smiles and laughs, many hugs given and received, many looks shared, many words spoken and heards, many thank yous... and this all feel as only the beginning, with more tears to come, more smiles and laughs to come, more hugs to come, more shared looks and words to come, more thank yous to come...
09 December 2007
Bonne-maman
Thursday 6th Decembre, sometime close to 6pm, she let out her last breath to never take a new one in. She threw the towel, after close to 96 years...
Not a Saint, not the perfect wife, mother, grand-mother, sister or woman, she has been instrumental in shaping who I have become, in my early years. And it is only these last few years that I have come to know and recognise this.
I know how lucky I am that she was still here in flesh and blood as well as in her right mind, as I have come very close to her. She has asked me many questions about my recent life and I like to think that she knew me more than many people I see everyday... I know she couldn't grasp entirely what my constant questions and my self-discovery journey are about, but she tried, again and again and again... and I am ever thankful to her for it.
I witnessed her go slowly with dignity, and love and gratitude for people that surrounded her. I know how pleased she was to see me and I know how important it has been for me to be present physically as often as I could. Her departure is obviously hard, but I have had time over the last few months to accept the love she gave me and to give her my love consciously. Somehow I feel at peace.
Bonne-maman, thank you.
Not a Saint, not the perfect wife, mother, grand-mother, sister or woman, she has been instrumental in shaping who I have become, in my early years. And it is only these last few years that I have come to know and recognise this.
I know how lucky I am that she was still here in flesh and blood as well as in her right mind, as I have come very close to her. She has asked me many questions about my recent life and I like to think that she knew me more than many people I see everyday... I know she couldn't grasp entirely what my constant questions and my self-discovery journey are about, but she tried, again and again and again... and I am ever thankful to her for it.
I witnessed her go slowly with dignity, and love and gratitude for people that surrounded her. I know how pleased she was to see me and I know how important it has been for me to be present physically as often as I could. Her departure is obviously hard, but I have had time over the last few months to accept the love she gave me and to give her my love consciously. Somehow I feel at peace.
Bonne-maman, thank you.
06 December 2007
farewell bonne-maman/bonne-mimi
j'ai peur d'oublier
ce dernier baiser déposé si doucement sur tes joues creusées
il n'y aura plus
ce sourire qui m'étais destiné quand j'entrais dans ta chambre
ces après-midis silencieux passés à tes côtés
ta main frêle dans la mienne et que j'avais peur de casser
Bon vent!
ce dernier baiser déposé si doucement sur tes joues creusées
il n'y aura plus
ce sourire qui m'étais destiné quand j'entrais dans ta chambre
ces après-midis silencieux passés à tes côtés
ta main frêle dans la mienne et que j'avais peur de casser
Bon vent!
04 December 2007
space clearing - Feng shui
my friend Sue from Feng Shui Fire Horse will be coming to my flat in less that two weeks time to clear the space energetically. Of what I understand - and expect? - the energy of the previous owners, who'd been living here for years and as a family for the last 3, will be released and sent back to its own home. Then my own imprint will be able to be made... I expect that this flat will become mine, for real!!
and so she sent me some homework to do before we start. she said "you've got to prepare yourself and the flat. otherwise it's a bit as if you're getting married but don't make preparation for it". I liked the analogy. Part of that homework was to clear clutter... I came back on Sunday night and went through ALL my clothes. Pile "needs to go", pile "needs to be thrown away", pile "that stays", pile "don't know yet"... Two big bags have gone to charity shops and probably another two before the end of the week!! It felt real good to get up in the morning, knowing I'd done the right thing.
almost three months since I've moved in and things move slowly. I enjoy it that way, though as I cherish every single small change and transformation taking place.
and so she sent me some homework to do before we start. she said "you've got to prepare yourself and the flat. otherwise it's a bit as if you're getting married but don't make preparation for it". I liked the analogy. Part of that homework was to clear clutter... I came back on Sunday night and went through ALL my clothes. Pile "needs to go", pile "needs to be thrown away", pile "that stays", pile "don't know yet"... Two big bags have gone to charity shops and probably another two before the end of the week!! It felt real good to get up in the morning, knowing I'd done the right thing.
almost three months since I've moved in and things move slowly. I enjoy it that way, though as I cherish every single small change and transformation taking place.
03 December 2007
A meme
I swiped this "meme" from Mich who swiped it from Boho, who swiped it from daisies.
- Do you own a gun? are you kidding me?.
- What do you think of hot dogs? Great just coming out of a club at 3.30am when dinner is way too far and it's freezing cold outside... get the onions in, too!!
- What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Ricoré - only French drink this as it's "l'ami du petit déjeuner..." - 20 years old TV add... sorry!
- Can you do push-ups? could do, no longer interested
- What’s your favourite piece of jewellery? Depends which day you're talking about...
- What is your secret weapon to lure the opposite sex? my boobs - not so secret though
- Middle name? none
- Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1~ it's really getting late and I'm knackered
2~ i want a hot chocolate before going to bed
3~ i'm looking forward to wednesday night - What time did you wake up today? 7.00am
- Current hate? ???
- Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
~ peppermint tea
~ ricoré (again!)
~ water - Do you own slippers? nope but thinking about it as winter is coming in
- What shirt are you wearing? comfi clothes and thick socks
- Do you burn or tan? burn then flake then burn then flake then burn then tan... always need a very long holiday!!
- Favourite colour(s)? this season seems to be purple/burgundy
- Would you be a pirate? i'd be scared...
- What is your favourite holiday? diving in the red sea
- What songs do you sing in the shower? don't - only at night when i drive so that i don't fall asleep.. but that's not the question!
- What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? crocodiles from under the bed - had to make a real HUGE jump to my bed from as far as possible to trick them
- What’s in your pockets right now? I don't have pockets on ...
- Last thing that made you laugh? a genuine scientific study showing how chimps are SO MUCH better than students at memory tests... short videos on the BBC website, section Science/Nature if anyone is interested... hilarious!
- Best bed sheets as a child? definitely the orange blanket - don't remember the sheets
- Worst injury you’ve ever had? dislocated wrist and peritonitis - or probably the other way around
- Are your parents still together? yes
- Do you wish on shooting stars? when i see them which is rare
- What is your favourite book(s)? pass...
- What is your favourite candy? not so much into these
- How is the weather outside right now? cold, and it was sunny most of the day
- What was your first thought this morning when you woke up? need to get back to that dream
02 December 2007
écouter mes instincts...
Qui d'entre vous ayant lu "J'aime lire" a oublié Tom-Tom et Nana? Pas un/e seul/e, j'en mettrais ma main à couper... Qui d'entre vous ne commençait pas pas les dernières pages pour découvrir leurs dernières aventures? Qui ne se souvient pas de leurs intentions de début d'année, "on rangera notre chambre", jetant tous ces jouets "on est plus des bébés" sur le trottoir dans des grandes poubelles noires... avant d'être réveillés en pleine nuit par leurs peluches et autres goldorak les suppliant et les menaçant de les reprendre? ce qu'ils font bien-sûr...
S'il en est un/e, je veux savoir...
Ce soir a été un de ces moments pour moi - me débarassant de toutes ces fringues que je n'enfile plus, qui me sortent pas les yeux... j'a l'air de quoi, pas la bonne couleur, la bonne coupe, le bon jour pour mettre ce pantalon/cette écharpe/cette veste...
depuis des semaines maintenant j'avais l'impression de ne rien avoir à me mettre alors que mes valises ouvertes à même le sol (je n'ai toujours pas de penderie...) regorgent de plus qu'il n'en faudrait pour m'habiller pendant plusieurs semaines... le déclic s'est produit ce soir: il y a des kilos de fringues que j'ai aimé, que j'ai porté, que j'ai acheté et qui sont encore comme neuves... et dont je ne veux plus!! OUT!! Je me sens plus légère de deux gros sacs pleins à donner à un charity shop...
En priant pour ne pas avoir de cauchemars cette nuit... :))
S'il en est un/e, je veux savoir...
Ce soir a été un de ces moments pour moi - me débarassant de toutes ces fringues que je n'enfile plus, qui me sortent pas les yeux... j'a l'air de quoi, pas la bonne couleur, la bonne coupe, le bon jour pour mettre ce pantalon/cette écharpe/cette veste...
depuis des semaines maintenant j'avais l'impression de ne rien avoir à me mettre alors que mes valises ouvertes à même le sol (je n'ai toujours pas de penderie...) regorgent de plus qu'il n'en faudrait pour m'habiller pendant plusieurs semaines... le déclic s'est produit ce soir: il y a des kilos de fringues que j'ai aimé, que j'ai porté, que j'ai acheté et qui sont encore comme neuves... et dont je ne veux plus!! OUT!! Je me sens plus légère de deux gros sacs pleins à donner à un charity shop...
En priant pour ne pas avoir de cauchemars cette nuit... :))
01 December 2007
I know that I know... or have known
I've heard of people who met in different settings and different life times when their encounter or relationship of the past had not gone through a proper closure. I've even met such a person who married a man in this life who she said she'd met in her previous life, at which time they already loved each other but could not marry!
I have met C. this summer and I feel that I have met him before. I felt an extraordinary connection to this person, something very rarely experienced before, of being open, feeling safe and extremely comfortable, with loving feelings ...
If the soul of a person doesn't die with the body then where does it go? Can two souls be able to find each other again and meet?
I have met C. this summer and I feel that I have met him before. I felt an extraordinary connection to this person, something very rarely experienced before, of being open, feeling safe and extremely comfortable, with loving feelings ...
If the soul of a person doesn't die with the body then where does it go? Can two souls be able to find each other again and meet?
diy... at last!
Yeesss!
After 2 and a half months of living in my flat, I've taken some time off my various activities and stayed home to make the fit-in shelves I'd been dreaming about. It took me about 7 hours today, gluing, climbing onto the step ladder, putting in place, changing idea, carrying, sawing, drilling, screwing a good number of wood pieces of numerous sizes ans weight... yes, some were very heavy indeed!
But I managed and I'm pleased not only with myself but also with the result. Not quite the dream shelves I had in my mind but I guess I'm no professional, it was the first big job I did and it turns out nicely. My arms are soo tired at the minute that I can't compemplate getting all my books out of their boxes tonight... it'll have to wait 'til tomorrow. And I'm so lazy that I can't even imagine getting up and take a pic of them to accompany my scribbling... maybe tomorrow, too... :)
a nice Saturday, though!
i'm supposed to go out tonight but I'd rather laze around with a book
After 2 and a half months of living in my flat, I've taken some time off my various activities and stayed home to make the fit-in shelves I'd been dreaming about. It took me about 7 hours today, gluing, climbing onto the step ladder, putting in place, changing idea, carrying, sawing, drilling, screwing a good number of wood pieces of numerous sizes ans weight... yes, some were very heavy indeed!
But I managed and I'm pleased not only with myself but also with the result. Not quite the dream shelves I had in my mind but I guess I'm no professional, it was the first big job I did and it turns out nicely. My arms are soo tired at the minute that I can't compemplate getting all my books out of their boxes tonight... it'll have to wait 'til tomorrow. And I'm so lazy that I can't even imagine getting up and take a pic of them to accompany my scribbling... maybe tomorrow, too... :)
a nice Saturday, though!
i'm supposed to go out tonight but I'd rather laze around with a book
28 November 2007
no words for a change
my journey is so thick these days that I don't know where to start... maybe better not to start this time, not to try to find the words... stay in the mirkiness and muddy waters and find my way out without laying the words down on the screen... how then? checking in when fear turns the volume up: "right now I'm ok"... trusting that my body is giving me the appropriate signals through the unpleasant symptoms...
that'll be it for this time
that'll be it for this time
22 November 2007
liberté d'expression...
Vendredi soir mon intention était de retirer ce manteau que je porte depuis 36 ans, manteau épais d'hiver fait de honte et de culpabilité d'être un être humain désireux de vivre ma sensualité et sexualité, honte et culpabilité doublées du fait que je suis femme...
Depuis j'ai découvert que ce n'est sans doute pas un manteau que je porte, mais plusieurs, empilés les uns sur les autres en une masse épaisse... les manteaux des nombreuses générations de femmes de mes lignées familiales, ancêtres féminies plus ou moins proches n'ayant jamais peut-être eu l'occasion ou ressenti la nécessité de les ôter. Leurs raisons pour cela peuvent êtres variées et n'ont pas grande importance...
Samedi soir, j'ai dansé pour moi, pour ces femmes proches ou lointaines, connues et aimées ou aimantes, ou inconnues et j'ai été inondée de leurs larmes, auxquelles certainement les miennes étaient mêlées, sans être dominantes... j'ai versé nos larmes de souffrance, de répression, d'incompréhension, de jugement, de devoir, d'obligation à paraître et je sens qu'une ou plusieurs épaisseurs de manteaux se sont évaporées...
je me suis sentie lavée, vue, exister...
... assez pour trouver en moi le désir de rédiger ces quelques mots en français... pour qu'ils soient compris de vous tous, famille et amis qui me connaiss"iez" si bien mais bien différente...
je me sens exister pour de vrai...
... assez pour vous dire combien je vous aime...
Depuis j'ai découvert que ce n'est sans doute pas un manteau que je porte, mais plusieurs, empilés les uns sur les autres en une masse épaisse... les manteaux des nombreuses générations de femmes de mes lignées familiales, ancêtres féminies plus ou moins proches n'ayant jamais peut-être eu l'occasion ou ressenti la nécessité de les ôter. Leurs raisons pour cela peuvent êtres variées et n'ont pas grande importance...
Samedi soir, j'ai dansé pour moi, pour ces femmes proches ou lointaines, connues et aimées ou aimantes, ou inconnues et j'ai été inondée de leurs larmes, auxquelles certainement les miennes étaient mêlées, sans être dominantes... j'ai versé nos larmes de souffrance, de répression, d'incompréhension, de jugement, de devoir, d'obligation à paraître et je sens qu'une ou plusieurs épaisseurs de manteaux se sont évaporées...
je me suis sentie lavée, vue, exister...
... assez pour trouver en moi le désir de rédiger ces quelques mots en français... pour qu'ils soient compris de vous tous, famille et amis qui me connaiss"iez" si bien mais bien différente...
je me sens exister pour de vrai...
... assez pour vous dire combien je vous aime...
17 November 2007
for all our relations
that's the name of the workshop I've started tonight with a 4h 5Rhythms dance meditation... and tonight I really got involved in the meditation and saw the "full" spectrum of it... I gave back body parts then my entire body to the wise dancer inside myself... both overwhelming and beautiful!
my intention for this weekend is to shed a particular layer that i've been living with for 36 years: the coat of shame and guilt that surrounds being a fully sensual and sexual human being doubled/amplified with shame and guilt of being a woman... i chose to make this coat mine as a child through generations and generations of ancestors and I feel tonight that the time might be right to take it off... I'm not too sure of what I'll find underneath, what I look like as a naked woman - I am to create myself and find my own truth as I go along!!
I will be dancing with this intention for myself AND for all my relations... if you are reading these few words, I will be dancing for you, too... whether man or woman...
blessings and gratitude
my intention for this weekend is to shed a particular layer that i've been living with for 36 years: the coat of shame and guilt that surrounds being a fully sensual and sexual human being doubled/amplified with shame and guilt of being a woman... i chose to make this coat mine as a child through generations and generations of ancestors and I feel tonight that the time might be right to take it off... I'm not too sure of what I'll find underneath, what I look like as a naked woman - I am to create myself and find my own truth as I go along!!
I will be dancing with this intention for myself AND for all my relations... if you are reading these few words, I will be dancing for you, too... whether man or woman...
blessings and gratitude
14 November 2007
thrown into the wave... yet again...
what I've been going through these last few weeks seems to become thicker and less transparent each day. The time of known direction, clear sign-posting and determined motivation has gone... and is being replaced by questions with no answers, anxiety, impatience, obsession (?), addiction (?) or compulsion (?)...
A voice within, dear voice that I have known sooo well for so many years, is getting back with a vengeance. I can keep it away and the door closed at times but it also seems that the slighest wrong doing or word that does not fit my expectations throws the new me overboard and lets the wave of judgment and harsh self-criticism unleash with great force... on board remains Clairon, with all her own addiction to please, with her longing, with the fear that drives her to conform to standards that aren't mine, without a voice and without positive agression. Instead, this agression bursts out at the wrong moments and despite myself...
I know this, I understand it, I have experienced it, but tonight it is as if I couldn't say the inner No and help the new me out of the water... I do not know what to do and as much as I don't like feeling this way can I (will I?) call upon the energy of sensuality and sexuality to help me out...
A voice within, dear voice that I have known sooo well for so many years, is getting back with a vengeance. I can keep it away and the door closed at times but it also seems that the slighest wrong doing or word that does not fit my expectations throws the new me overboard and lets the wave of judgment and harsh self-criticism unleash with great force... on board remains Clairon, with all her own addiction to please, with her longing, with the fear that drives her to conform to standards that aren't mine, without a voice and without positive agression. Instead, this agression bursts out at the wrong moments and despite myself...
I know this, I understand it, I have experienced it, but tonight it is as if I couldn't say the inner No and help the new me out of the water... I do not know what to do and as much as I don't like feeling this way can I (will I?) call upon the energy of sensuality and sexuality to help me out...
10 November 2007
de passage à Paris
qui l'eut cru? me voici à Paris et j'écris sur mon portable - merci WiFi - d'un café proche de Montparnasse, juste de l'autre côté du boulevard Pasteur où je viens de trouver une chambre pour la nuit....
C'est une série qui continue. Une certaine incapacité à organiser mon temps (en l'occurence également celui des autres) qui perdure depuis quelques mois maintenant. Alors que je connaissais mes dates de passages dans la capitale française, je n'ai appelé les nombreux cousins/oncles/tantes qu'hier soir, et encore pas tous... pour des raisons plutôt obscures, même pour moi... alors forcément, ceux que j'ai eu étaient soit non disponibles soit absents... suis-je surprise ? pas vraiment ! Suis-je déçue ? pas beaucoup plus !
était-ce un désir unconscient de passer la soirée et la nuit seule dans un/des lieux inconnus et neutres ? peut-être car je suis finalement assez heureuse d'être là. Ambiance à la française, l'interdiction de fumer encore pas passer dans les cafés (malheureusement...), un croque-monsieur comme dîner, et sans doute un peu de programmes télé probabalement plus que moyens quand j'arriverai dans ma chambre... mais au moins ils seront français, et j'ai oublié ce que c'était !!
je suis allée voir bonne maman. je l'ai trouvée moins maigre que la dernière fois. je l'ai trouvée fragile mais surtout portant un air triste. elle a peu dormi pendant les quelques heures que j'ai passées à ses cotés, mais les mots sont restés espacés. et pourtant elle est toujours là, bien là. j'ai ressenti tellement d'amour pour cette femme rapetissée, blanchie par les années, et qui pour une raison inconnue s'accroche toujours à la vie... elle est et sera dans le premiers cercle de mes ancêtres, proche, aimante, présente... je suis tombée amoureuse de ma grand-mère cet après-midi, avec toutes ses qualités et tous ses limites...
merci bonne maman.
je t'aime.
C'est une série qui continue. Une certaine incapacité à organiser mon temps (en l'occurence également celui des autres) qui perdure depuis quelques mois maintenant. Alors que je connaissais mes dates de passages dans la capitale française, je n'ai appelé les nombreux cousins/oncles/tantes qu'hier soir, et encore pas tous... pour des raisons plutôt obscures, même pour moi... alors forcément, ceux que j'ai eu étaient soit non disponibles soit absents... suis-je surprise ? pas vraiment ! Suis-je déçue ? pas beaucoup plus !
était-ce un désir unconscient de passer la soirée et la nuit seule dans un/des lieux inconnus et neutres ? peut-être car je suis finalement assez heureuse d'être là. Ambiance à la française, l'interdiction de fumer encore pas passer dans les cafés (malheureusement...), un croque-monsieur comme dîner, et sans doute un peu de programmes télé probabalement plus que moyens quand j'arriverai dans ma chambre... mais au moins ils seront français, et j'ai oublié ce que c'était !!
je suis allée voir bonne maman. je l'ai trouvée moins maigre que la dernière fois. je l'ai trouvée fragile mais surtout portant un air triste. elle a peu dormi pendant les quelques heures que j'ai passées à ses cotés, mais les mots sont restés espacés. et pourtant elle est toujours là, bien là. j'ai ressenti tellement d'amour pour cette femme rapetissée, blanchie par les années, et qui pour une raison inconnue s'accroche toujours à la vie... elle est et sera dans le premiers cercle de mes ancêtres, proche, aimante, présente... je suis tombée amoureuse de ma grand-mère cet après-midi, avec toutes ses qualités et tous ses limites...
merci bonne maman.
je t'aime.
08 November 2007
the two faces of the same coin
when was the last time I didn't write for an entire week? loooong time ago...
these past days, maybe 3 weeks, my life has simply been turned upside down, or is it inside out? I've been living it to the full and I feel it is not over... I've been enjoying what I discover...
A. said to me "one step at a time". I couldn't agree more - in my head. Yet it's not what I'm doing. There's an intensity that I have never touched before about every moment of my life, about every situation, about every experience. I feel sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes extremely tired, sometimes taken aback and stunned "is this really me?"...
imagine a pound or a euro coin.
I've lived my "entire" life as one side of this coin: I knew every hill, crack, shade, curve of the imprint, colour, feel, even taste of it... then 3 weeks ago, "without warning" the composition of that coin suddenly changed, the density dropped and I fell as if through a trap door onto the other side - through the coin! On that side, there's no reference, no known rule, no safety mesh. On that side, everything looks wilder, more exciting, greener. Everything is to be discovered and I'm up for it. Yet deep down I also know that it is no more my truth than the other.
So what next? All I can say is that at the moment, I'm only observing, taking in, learning and I can feel some energy being released. How long this phase will last I cannot say and I have no desire for it to be short or long. I'm being swept along yet conscious of what is happening and I feel safe at my core. I feel real and I feel alive. Even if right at this minute all I want is to sleep...
to go unconscious?
these past days, maybe 3 weeks, my life has simply been turned upside down, or is it inside out? I've been living it to the full and I feel it is not over... I've been enjoying what I discover...
A. said to me "one step at a time". I couldn't agree more - in my head. Yet it's not what I'm doing. There's an intensity that I have never touched before about every moment of my life, about every situation, about every experience. I feel sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes extremely tired, sometimes taken aback and stunned "is this really me?"...
imagine a pound or a euro coin.
I've lived my "entire" life as one side of this coin: I knew every hill, crack, shade, curve of the imprint, colour, feel, even taste of it... then 3 weeks ago, "without warning" the composition of that coin suddenly changed, the density dropped and I fell as if through a trap door onto the other side - through the coin! On that side, there's no reference, no known rule, no safety mesh. On that side, everything looks wilder, more exciting, greener. Everything is to be discovered and I'm up for it. Yet deep down I also know that it is no more my truth than the other.
So what next? All I can say is that at the moment, I'm only observing, taking in, learning and I can feel some energy being released. How long this phase will last I cannot say and I have no desire for it to be short or long. I'm being swept along yet conscious of what is happening and I feel safe at my core. I feel real and I feel alive. Even if right at this minute all I want is to sleep...
to go unconscious?
01 November 2007
disco ball
"Are you a romantic?" I asked C. the other day
"Yes, he replied, but I'm multifaceted".
I liked that answer very much...
I heard the voice of someone who knows a little (or a lot!) about himself, who's found out that there's a large spectrum of colours and shapes and moods and attitudes and feelings and emotions and that one constantly shifts from one to the next...
I heard the voice of someone who accepts and allows the changes and transformations that the Life journey brings up, however subtle or extraordinary...
I have met with C. since that question was asked and reply was given.
I felt the presence of a dark side that is not under control and allows something new, maybe unexpected, to be coming out into the light...
In his presence, I also saw the powerful lights reflected off the disco ball
"Yes, he replied, but I'm multifaceted".
I liked that answer very much...
I heard the voice of someone who knows a little (or a lot!) about himself, who's found out that there's a large spectrum of colours and shapes and moods and attitudes and feelings and emotions and that one constantly shifts from one to the next...
I heard the voice of someone who accepts and allows the changes and transformations that the Life journey brings up, however subtle or extraordinary...
I have met with C. since that question was asked and reply was given.
I felt the presence of a dark side that is not under control and allows something new, maybe unexpected, to be coming out into the light...
In his presence, I also saw the powerful lights reflected off the disco ball
Did this darkness and light belong to him or to me?
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