The little princess

once upon a time a long, long time ago lived a little girl who always wanted to be a princess. She dreamt about it every day and every night so much so that one day she just knew that her dream had become reality. She had become a princess. She was the most beautiful little princess and she was so special that all the animals of the farm recognised her and loved her, and all the horses recognised her and loved her, and all the people recognised her and loved her. When some people didn't recognise her or didn't pay her the respect she was due she became very angry. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

Now this little girl had many brothers and sisters and she knew that all of them wanted to become princes and princesses too and so there was stiff competition. And so she dreamt more than her brothers and sisters, and she asked always to be the most beautiful and the most intelligent of all and to be worshipped by all the people across the land. And when some people didn't worship her the way she was due she became very angry. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

The most beautiful little princess left the land where too many people didn't love her and worshipped her the way she was due and arrived to a new land where all the people loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. And she was very happy. But as time went by the little princess was growing up and the love and worship of all the people was no longer quite enough because she wanted the most beautiful prince to find her and to love her and to worship her the way she was due. If the most beautiful prince could not find her then could all the love and the worship from all the people really be real? The little princess who was growing up became angry because the most beautiful prince obviously didn't live in this land. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

The most beautiful little princess left the land where too many people didn't love her and worshipped her the way she was due and arrived in a new land where all the people loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. And the most beautiful prince lived on this land and found her and loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. But as time went by the little princess was growing up and all the love and worship of the most beautiful prince was no longer quite enough because she wasno longer that he was the most beautiful prince. She might have made a mistake and the most beautiful prince was still looking for her to love her and worhip her. The little princess grew angry the real most beautiful prince obviously didn't live in this land. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

Once again, the most beautiful princess left the land where the prince had tricked her to think that he was the most beautiful prince and she erred for a long time. Finally she arrived in a new land where people didn't love her not worshipped her the way she was due. Because the people didn't love her and worship her she could be get angry, get out of character and ugly and she became very angry against the people of this land. But they didn't care and they continued living their lives without loving her or worshipping her. When she saw that being angry didn't change them one bit, she wept and wept and wept until the tears dried out and she fell asleep. When she woke up, the little princess had gone and only a not so young woman was there. And next to her stood a man who was not the most beautiful prince and she smiled at him.

Revenir sur terre

se trouver dans des situations qui se répètent et
éviter de simplement répéter l'histoire

se heurter à des situations historiques et
éviter de simplement réagir aveuglément

se frotter à des situations aveuglantes et
éviter de simplement y perdre son latin

parce que ça se passe que dans les rêves
parce qu'on a pas les pieds sur terre
parce que quand on retombe ça fait encore plus mal

s'attendre à des situations inexistantes et
éviter d'y laisser des plumes

les efforts à renouveler sans cesse pour
s'interdirent de vendre la peau de l'ours avant de l'avoir tué
et rester les pieds sur terre

power of dreams...

I woke up this morning with the strong intention - planned - to get up a little early and meditate for 15 minutes or so before heading off to work. As I threw my feet then legs out of the warm sheets and sat on the side of my bed, head in hands, I suddenly had this flash in my head of an elusive dream I had just had.

feeling of warmth in the air, as if summer, a few people/friends (?) standing having a drink and a good time when I see my boss in shorts and bare-chested with a beer in his hand, having a laugh and being very relaxed with everyone, part of the group I think. It is a bit of a shock!

I felt good each time I remembered this image. It allowed me to be excited again about tomorrow evening, to go dancing tonight and be carried by my dance and to come back home and feel good. As if a missing bit had just come back to me to help complete the giant jigsaw puzzle...

growing up is dying a little

it's been a week of ups and downs, not too high up and never really deep down but exhausting noneless.

Yet when I'm asked "how are you?" or "how's life treating you?" I don't really know how to answer that. I don't have words. I'm kind of mixed up, confused. A voice within, I believe she's Clairette, is joyful and thankful for all the changes of the last 3 weeks and is basically happy. Another feels like weeping (Clairon!) and makes my heart sink as if a victim of what is happening and in need of help and support. I oscillate between those two (and there might be more, too) and I know that neither of them is right. It doesn't sound like the truth in either case. So what???

I want answers, NOW!!! (Clairon)
Or do I? (Clairette)

I've played Clairon for most of my life and Clairette has only come in very recently. Have I already outgrown the character? What/who is going to come next? I don't know and I don't know how long it will take before i do.

tonight I feel that I may be losing control on "how I want my life to be run". I do not claim that I know the answers because clearly I don't. I accept that others have different opinions and priorities and that it doesn't necessarily serve me. Interestingly it doesn't necessarily desserve me either. I see that I can be patient, present, paying attention to the now... not always so easy to live, though

Still, I've had this week the nicest dream I've ever had since I started recording them night after night for the last 5 years. Peace, freedom, fertile field... there is some positive in the "confusion"

In the shadow of fear

I didn't listen to my inner voice this morning. Waking up at 7.30am on a Saturday was too early for my reasonable mind, "I was so tired last night, must try to get more sleep". But a small voice was telling me I could get up and go back to bed later in the day if needed. I didn't. I finally got up at 9.30am and surfed on the Internet for a while. Then, this is where it becomes interesting, because I have stopped writing for the last 15min... "no, i cannot write what I want to write, not here"... but also, "well, if I don't write about it, then the post won't make any sense what so ever"... The conflict was raging within as I went back surfing and I am now about to dive into the unknown, the unacceptable, the unspeakable - maybe I should prevent this post to be accessed by anyone underaged...

9.30am it was, looking on the Internet for images of polar bear, meanings of this majestic animal in shamanism and symbols in analytical psychology. I won't go into the reasons behind this search now but I hope to do so in the future. I liked what I read and particularly the idea of mothering - apparently mother bears are very protective mothers for their cubs and very gentle and patient but also very fierce in making sure nothing happens to them. I kept having images coming to my mind and as I was sitting on my bed I started to feel sexually aroused. My nipples were calling for gentle strokes and I happily answered their request. So much so that I ended up putting the laptop away and giving myself all the attention required. I believe that was a turning point.

A while later I covered myself with my duvet again and went back to "sleep" for an hour, fully aware that it wasn't what I wanted. Yet I couldn't move, I was stuck there by some kind of greater strength, there was nothing I could do to fight it. It took me a little while to recognise it and name it: overwhelming numbness! This shadow of fear is well known to me, being almost ever present for many many years! I tried to make it move in my body, to give it life but it wouldn't work. Finally I knew what I had to do: I had to give it life in words. And what better place than here?!

Yet I'm not sure what made it visit me today. But as I write these words I can hear "of course you do", and indeed I do know. Yes it has to do with the physical and sexual pleasure I gave myself earlier but it is not the whole story either, this was only the trigger. It comes back to a dream I had early this week which we expanded a little yesterday with my analyst. In that dream I give birth to a tiny little boy and in my old bedroom at my parents' I unwrap him from a wolf-like fancy dress outfit that is zipped on his back from head to toe. This baby boy is relying on me to get fed, protected, be loved nurtured and mothered and to grow enough before he can go alone onto his own path. At this very moment in time, he is extremely vulnerable and this is exactly how I feel, vulnerable. I feel that anything and anyone could very easily crush me.

So I keep swinging between the old pattern where I am in charge (or so I think) and so well protected that no one can even dream of touching my heart and a new opening where I accept my vulnerability and do all I can to protect myself from what I believe may be attacks, trying to keep the doors open for others to get in. The difficulty is that I am even scared of people who love me... As Tiffanie puts it in her post Cities, I wish I will visit the place called Trust sometime soon.

So much more than a sex dream... (cont'd)

The beginning of the week has been hectic as I knew it would... but here I am again and continuing with my dream interpretation (to see the dream, see post below)

We are four women... number four, completion, whole and in the feminine!! It feels huge to me, never before has this happen. It is so exciting. Yes, one of them I don't know but hey! I'm on a journey of discovery... and we are being introduced anyway at a later time and therefore I feel it goes in the "right" direction.
Again, the masturbation is a first I believe and again it feels like a celebration and an acceptance of my femininity and of the fact that I am a sexual being. This unknown woman may well represent the cultural feminine lineage in which I grew up as I've got to hide the "culprit" before I am introduced to her. If she does represent this she would believe that human being is not an animal and can raise above the sexual instincts and needs, control them and separate reproduction from pleasure. So yes, I might be accepting my own sexuality but it seems only in hiding from her at this point in time, as if to avoid her wrath! But next, the "dirty", earthy, primal goddess joins me in the form of a petite black woman. The fact that she is petite may well be pointing out to me that she's got some growing to do. But she's a nice looking woman in the dream, she exists and I give her some sexual pleasure without guilt or shame. Am I starting tapping into this sexual energy of mine, after many many moons of repression?

These are exciting times and exciting contents that my unconscious brings up to consciousness.

So much more than a sex dream...

I woke up to a dream just under an hour ago and although I've had others of great interest, I want to talk about this one in particular.


"I meet with some friends at an evening conference in London and as it finishes my friend Stephanie (not her real name) asks that we go for a drink. I'm happy with that. To get back to the street, we must walk across a large store. My shoes and the floor are very smooth and I run and slide on my feet, then run again and slide again, making wide turns in between the racks of clothes. I watch them as I pass by and notice a couple of item and think I might come back to try them on. I'm having fun.
Then Stephanie says it was her birthday not that long ago. I'm shocked and hardly believe it when she says that the actual date is 21st Feb, as it is my birthday, too... We've known each other for a while and I had never known! What a coincidence! She says that'll she'll have a proper party at a later date as her girlfriend can't make it that night.

Then we are 4 women. One of us I don't know but somehow we are being introduced much later so that when it does happen, we've had time to know who the other was and she is my cousin's girlfriend. Just before we are introduced to one another, I was masturbating with a vibrator and I take it off and walk to my bedroom and slide it under my pillow. My flatmate Toni is busy hoovering the lounge and then his bedroom (we avoid each other as we get past). As I walk back toward the others, a black woman, petite in size, comes close to me. We hug each other and we walk together holding each other. I caress her back and kiss her head with tenderness. She likes it and responds positively. When we arrive in the room where the others are, she lies down on her front and I kneel next to her and continue caressing her, her lower back, her bum, the back of her legs, while also watching the other women who have only their underwear on. The black woman opens her legs and I bend closer and run my fingers in her pubic hair. I know I will slide my finger up her yoni next and she moans with pleasure. The other women are doing the same to each other. Then the black woman turns around on her back and I would like to lick her fanny."

I wanted to share that dream because it feels like a celebration the the feminine in general and an almost complete acceptance of feminine values. The dream starts in a rational, masculine and Logos setting with a conference - thinking as opposed to feeling! But it moves on quickly to having fun, being child-like in the store. I'm not quite ready to get those new clothes that I like and that would show a different me to the world but I will come back for them. It is only a matter of time now, or at least it seems.
My friend Stephanie's birthday is not on 21st Feb in real life. I believe my dream is telling me that it is time for me to integrate the part(s) of me that resemble her - research scientist and lesbian, that is combining both the masculine and the feminine world...

I will come back to the rest of the dream later today... or more realistically later in the week! I feel I have been given a real gift this morning and it is only the beginning of the week!! Is it not wonderful?