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a threshold
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Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
21 February 2009
26 January 2009
dancing inside
dancing with no desire to be there
dancing with fear creeping in
dancing with my inner child
without trying to get him out
staying with him
however unconfortable
experiencing his terror
frozenness
disabilities
and tremor
dancing with the feet
when they cramp, get stiff
when the toes get blocked
and the ankles tire
staying with them
however uncomfortable
experiencing the tries
misses
and tries
I am grateful
dancing with fear creeping in
dancing with my inner child
without trying to get him out
staying with him
however unconfortable
experiencing his terror
frozenness
disabilities
and tremor
dancing with the feet
when they cramp, get stiff
when the toes get blocked
and the ankles tire
staying with them
however uncomfortable
experiencing the tries
misses
and tries
I am grateful
30 April 2008
little claire
yes I have found her in a dark basement, confused, hurt, not trusting, yet having made this place hers and being as comfortable as possible in there - that is in between the time she got abused...
here she is...
here she is...
04 April 2008
what is time anyway?
10 days
a split second
an eternity
and still no clear answer to my question...
10 days
one minute yes
no the next
and still stuck in a clear confusion
a split second
an eternity
and still no clear answer to my question...
10 days
one minute yes
no the next
and still stuck in a clear confusion
01 April 2008
Elle et moi (2) - English
She's back
I've begged her not to leave me
She's heard my despair
She's staying
Probation period
To know one another again
Communication resumed
She wants always more
From me
Presence in the now
Attention and care
Gentleness and tenderness
Clear boundaries
Ability to make demands
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
In return
She'll give me
Presence in the now
Centeredness
Sense of empowerment
Ability to transform
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
I've begged her not to leave me
She's heard my despair
She's staying
Probation period
To know one another again
Communication resumed
She wants always more
From me
Presence in the now
Attention and care
Gentleness and tenderness
Clear boundaries
Ability to make demands
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
In return
She'll give me
Presence in the now
Centeredness
Sense of empowerment
Ability to transform
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart
And much much more...
28 March 2008
going alone
as I find myself very much alone... (dare I say lonely?) i note that the world is conspiring for me to go back within... I believe this is no coincidence about the timing of what happened in the last 2 or 3 weeks. As if the world had made sure I was prepared for what was coming to hit me...
It "all" started when I got a strong call to go back to my grand-parents house in Brittany. I knew I needed to go alone even though I had no idea what the purpose was. I didn't have any other intention than to remain open to what would come to me. I stayed for 2.5 days and the messages I got were clear - let go of your own story and history (different from forgetting or denying or giving it up!); the strong feeling of being home in this place in the physical world, take with you and make yourself your home so that it is with you at all times;
as I came back to London with a few more days off, my psychoanalyst had gone on holiday for a few weeks, something that hadn't happened for a really long time; my dear friend I. had gone to SA for a few weeks, too, for his own journey; my dear friend R. has been working in York for a while now and it's not always straight forward to meet at weekends; Yet I was excited also because it'd been a couple of weeks since I last met T. and thought we'd meet soon... I was wrong and the timing of him calling a day on something that had never really started but in which I had invested a lot could not be more difficult (or appropriate, depending on whic way you look at it...). From being and needing to be alone, I felt (and needed to feel?) lonely...
Of course I could have chosen to email my analyst, to call my friends, to cry and ask for support... but deep down I knew i needed to go alone, to let myself fall into the darkest tunnel full of ghosts of past and present times... After a first terrifying 24h filled with excrutiating physical pain and a sense of complete desperation, it is as if I got used to the darkness and as I accepted it, made friend with it, the fall slowed down, even stopped for short periods of times... before picking up speed again! I believe that the sweetness and gentleness of this man increased not only the speed of my fall but also the pain that I experienced: there was no blanket of anger or resentment to be hiding behind this time making the whole experience full blast!! "Funny" enough, I believe this is the best gidt I could give myself!
I have often thought in the past that the men I liked were not available... I know now that most of the time, I was not available, however strong and loud I claimed the opposite!!! This time, i do not know and I will live the question, as well as leave it open...
It "all" started when I got a strong call to go back to my grand-parents house in Brittany. I knew I needed to go alone even though I had no idea what the purpose was. I didn't have any other intention than to remain open to what would come to me. I stayed for 2.5 days and the messages I got were clear - let go of your own story and history (different from forgetting or denying or giving it up!); the strong feeling of being home in this place in the physical world, take with you and make yourself your home so that it is with you at all times;
as I came back to London with a few more days off, my psychoanalyst had gone on holiday for a few weeks, something that hadn't happened for a really long time; my dear friend I. had gone to SA for a few weeks, too, for his own journey; my dear friend R. has been working in York for a while now and it's not always straight forward to meet at weekends; Yet I was excited also because it'd been a couple of weeks since I last met T. and thought we'd meet soon... I was wrong and the timing of him calling a day on something that had never really started but in which I had invested a lot could not be more difficult (or appropriate, depending on whic way you look at it...). From being and needing to be alone, I felt (and needed to feel?) lonely...
Of course I could have chosen to email my analyst, to call my friends, to cry and ask for support... but deep down I knew i needed to go alone, to let myself fall into the darkest tunnel full of ghosts of past and present times... After a first terrifying 24h filled with excrutiating physical pain and a sense of complete desperation, it is as if I got used to the darkness and as I accepted it, made friend with it, the fall slowed down, even stopped for short periods of times... before picking up speed again! I believe that the sweetness and gentleness of this man increased not only the speed of my fall but also the pain that I experienced: there was no blanket of anger or resentment to be hiding behind this time making the whole experience full blast!! "Funny" enough, I believe this is the best gidt I could give myself!
I have often thought in the past that the men I liked were not available... I know now that most of the time, I was not available, however strong and loud I claimed the opposite!!! This time, i do not know and I will live the question, as well as leave it open...
26 March 2008
right here and right now
I feel my heart, strong in my chest, I am at peace
In 2 seconds my mind will wonder off to a sweet memory or something that will not be and my whole body will cry
Ten minutes after that I might be well at peace again
This pain i have never experienced, or should i say my mind has no memory of anything similar... Anyone read Harry Potter or the Northern Lights trilogy? The terror I experience resembles that described in the sucking by the dementors or that by the spectres... dragging me to a place beyond any word where I feel dead - I talk, I work, I go through the motion, I can even laugh and sound merry but there's noone home because the home, my home, I've let it been sucked away... There's only darkness, emptiness, invisibility, cold and loneliness left.
In this deepest fear that can only happen at a cellular level, there's no anger, no resentment, no blame, no guilt and no shame. There's a prayer mixed in with the tears crashing on my chest, "don't leave me it hurts too much" and a desperate call "i'll do better, I'll change, I'll learn how to please, please give me another chance"... but is it him that I'm begging to stay or is it my home sweet home that i'd given him? In other words, am I in love with him or with the relationship which made me feel whole?
I believe I know the answer.
In 2 seconds my mind will wonder off to a sweet memory or something that will not be and my whole body will cry
Ten minutes after that I might be well at peace again
This pain i have never experienced, or should i say my mind has no memory of anything similar... Anyone read Harry Potter or the Northern Lights trilogy? The terror I experience resembles that described in the sucking by the dementors or that by the spectres... dragging me to a place beyond any word where I feel dead - I talk, I work, I go through the motion, I can even laugh and sound merry but there's noone home because the home, my home, I've let it been sucked away... There's only darkness, emptiness, invisibility, cold and loneliness left.
In this deepest fear that can only happen at a cellular level, there's no anger, no resentment, no blame, no guilt and no shame. There's a prayer mixed in with the tears crashing on my chest, "don't leave me it hurts too much" and a desperate call "i'll do better, I'll change, I'll learn how to please, please give me another chance"... but is it him that I'm begging to stay or is it my home sweet home that i'd given him? In other words, am I in love with him or with the relationship which made me feel whole?
I believe I know the answer.
25 March 2008
an eye opener...
torn to pieces
excrutiating pain
of not being met
of not being loved
for no other reason than being me
ego2 goes to war
inviting anger
letting in resentment
for no other reason than avoiding the pain
imprinted into each and all cells
my body remembers
screaming with despair
willing to accept anything
for a promise that the pain will go never to return
the well's wide mouth's
showing its cold darkness
i know its slippery sides
no where to hold onto
falllllllllllllllllllllllllllling
back in time
the separation is ancient
the pain is real and present
no escape but to feel
ego1 comes to the rescue
loving presence
allowing the sobbing
welcoming the tantrum
of little claire re-living her most painful wound
separation re-enacted
with love, respect and gentleness
making it more painful
for the lack of ennemy
two stories
gotten mixed up
letting go the Ancient
opening new eyes to the most recent
two stories
tied to one another
for now
untangled tomorrow
excrutiating pain
of not being met
of not being loved
for no other reason than being me
ego2 goes to war
inviting anger
letting in resentment
for no other reason than avoiding the pain
imprinted into each and all cells
my body remembers
screaming with despair
willing to accept anything
for a promise that the pain will go never to return
the well's wide mouth's
showing its cold darkness
i know its slippery sides
no where to hold onto
falllllllllllllllllllllllllllling
back in time
the separation is ancient
the pain is real and present
no escape but to feel
ego1 comes to the rescue
loving presence
allowing the sobbing
welcoming the tantrum
of little claire re-living her most painful wound
separation re-enacted
with love, respect and gentleness
making it more painful
for the lack of ennemy
two stories
gotten mixed up
letting go the Ancient
opening new eyes to the most recent
two stories
tied to one another
for now
untangled tomorrow
19 March 2008
falling in love
i fall in love more and more often
twice over the last 10 days
the first time it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my rib-cage
then i'd forgotten between the first and second time
and just now it feels like I'm being alive
both times I have fallen in love with my wounded inner child
and it's felt very good to be present with her
providing her with space, time, love, presence, gentleness...
she's felt that she exists at last and that her wound is real
that she's being taken seriously
she's felt alive
and when she feels that way, so do I...
twice over the last 10 days
the first time it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my rib-cage
then i'd forgotten between the first and second time
and just now it feels like I'm being alive
both times I have fallen in love with my wounded inner child
and it's felt very good to be present with her
providing her with space, time, love, presence, gentleness...
she's felt that she exists at last and that her wound is real
that she's being taken seriously
she's felt alive
and when she feels that way, so do I...
29 February 2008
merci bon'-mam'
L'année avant la mort de Bonne-maman, j'avais le coeur serré chaque fois que je la quittais : "est-ce la dernière fois ?", "la reverrais-je ?" Et le miracle se reproduisait encore, et encore, et encore quand je prenais le temps de passer à Paris. Puis elle a finalement quitté ce monde humain et du visible début décembre. Mes larmes coulaient à flots sur mes joues chaudes et laissaient des cratères de sel le long des aisselles du nez quand je me disais: : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Sur son lit, elle était petite, légèrement défigurée et son nez m'apparut immense dans son visage creusé mais paisible. Le personnel des pompes funèbres est arrivé pour l'installer dans son cerceuil. En quittant la chambre, les larmes coulaient quand je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Elle m'apparut encore plus petite et encore plus frêle dans cette boîte en beau bois clair, un linceul portant ses initiales, la dernière demeure d'un corps qui avait fini par abandonner après de longues années de bons et loyaux services. Lorsque le policier en civil a scellé le cercueil, les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
C'est honorée et aimée qu'elle entra dans l'église, portée sur les épaules fortes de ses fils et beaux-fils et les larmes de l'assemblée. Elle avait elle-même choisi les textes pour son propre départ, espérant sans doute qu'ils l'aident à s'envoler vraiment, à libérer son âme de cette réalité terrestre transitoire. On a ri d'entendre les souvenirs de ses enfants et petits-enfants, tous faisant allusion à la boîte à gâteaux et à bonbons de l'armoire du salon. Puis elle repartit dans l'autre sens, vers son dernier voyage, et les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Le soleil chaud du mois de décembre était présent à Port-Blanc pour l'inhumation. La descente du cercueil dans le caveau, où elle rejoignait son mari parti 10 ans plus tôt, a fait coulé les larmes et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Puis je suis allée me tremper et libérer mes poumons dans cette eau bretonne tant aimée. Ma tante M. m'a dit "ca ressemble à un baptême"... Ah, oui, tiens, je n'y avais pas pensé. Aujourd'hui, avec le recul, j'y vois non seulement un baptême, mais aussi une naissance. Le jour où bon'-mam' a été mise en terre est le jour où ma vie a été transformée. Une vie nouvelle s'est dessinée devant moi.
Comme si un voile s'était déchiré, révélant une réalité jusqu'à présent cachée
J'ai accepté de grandir et d'être initiée, de m'aimer toute entière, enfin,
J'ai accepté l'immense pouvoir qui m'a été donné d'être femme, de le vivre, de le dire, de le danser,
Je franchis une nouvelle ligne de départ chaque jour un peu différente et un peu pareille.
Je ne me suis jamais sentie aussi vivante, vibrante, aimante, présente, patiente, attentive, sensible...
Sur son lit, elle était petite, légèrement défigurée et son nez m'apparut immense dans son visage creusé mais paisible. Le personnel des pompes funèbres est arrivé pour l'installer dans son cerceuil. En quittant la chambre, les larmes coulaient quand je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Elle m'apparut encore plus petite et encore plus frêle dans cette boîte en beau bois clair, un linceul portant ses initiales, la dernière demeure d'un corps qui avait fini par abandonner après de longues années de bons et loyaux services. Lorsque le policier en civil a scellé le cercueil, les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
C'est honorée et aimée qu'elle entra dans l'église, portée sur les épaules fortes de ses fils et beaux-fils et les larmes de l'assemblée. Elle avait elle-même choisi les textes pour son propre départ, espérant sans doute qu'ils l'aident à s'envoler vraiment, à libérer son âme de cette réalité terrestre transitoire. On a ri d'entendre les souvenirs de ses enfants et petits-enfants, tous faisant allusion à la boîte à gâteaux et à bonbons de l'armoire du salon. Puis elle repartit dans l'autre sens, vers son dernier voyage, et les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Le soleil chaud du mois de décembre était présent à Port-Blanc pour l'inhumation. La descente du cercueil dans le caveau, où elle rejoignait son mari parti 10 ans plus tôt, a fait coulé les larmes et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".
Puis je suis allée me tremper et libérer mes poumons dans cette eau bretonne tant aimée. Ma tante M. m'a dit "ca ressemble à un baptême"... Ah, oui, tiens, je n'y avais pas pensé. Aujourd'hui, avec le recul, j'y vois non seulement un baptême, mais aussi une naissance. Le jour où bon'-mam' a été mise en terre est le jour où ma vie a été transformée. Une vie nouvelle s'est dessinée devant moi.
Comme si un voile s'était déchiré, révélant une réalité jusqu'à présent cachée
J'ai accepté de grandir et d'être initiée, de m'aimer toute entière, enfin,
J'ai accepté l'immense pouvoir qui m'a été donné d'être femme, de le vivre, de le dire, de le danser,
Je franchis une nouvelle ligne de départ chaque jour un peu différente et un peu pareille.
Je ne me suis jamais sentie aussi vivante, vibrante, aimante, présente, patiente, attentive, sensible...
27 February 2008
Is this love?
Finding the courage to be seen
Challenging the fear to be exposed
Allowing myself to be vulnerable
Finding the right name in my contacts
Pushing the green button
Stopping the time between each ring
Allowing my heart to skip a beat at the sound of that deep voice...
Is it?
Challenging the fear to be exposed
Allowing myself to be vulnerable
Finding the right name in my contacts
Pushing the green button
Stopping the time between each ring
Allowing my heart to skip a beat at the sound of that deep voice...
Is it?
24 February 2008
Narcissus
(Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio)Like Narcissus
I kept leaning above the still, mirror-like waters
Like Narcissus
I kept trying to seduce the reflected image of myself
I was in love with this image
Except that I didn't recognise it as my own
And I saw it everywhere, in everyone
I have loved
many times and many people
Or did I?
Have I loved the reflected image of myself
many times and in many people.
It sounds more like it
At this very moment the time of
judgment has gone
shame is forgotten
guilt has dissolved
compassion has been born
Instead
Accepting that Other
Breathes
Hurts
Rejoices
Tires
In a word
Exists
NOT for me
Allowing that my heart
Loves Other
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites Other
Allowing that my heart
Receives love
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites myself
Like Narcissus
I have kissed my lips and touched the truth
Unlike him though
Loving myself allows me to love Other
Freely
01 February 2008
2 smiles tonight
home on a friday evening with no plans except rest and laze around...
then a phone call from my friend I. who'd said he had plans elsewhere... "I don't feel like going, do you want to go for a drink?" This is so rare in London to actually feel like going out when i've already come home... but yes, I do feel like having a chat with him.
I start my dinner when msn calls me. My friend T. just passing by and wishing me a good evening (and more) while on his way out elsewhere, too... Very sweet!
I feel blessed to have these friends
Good evening to everyone!
then a phone call from my friend I. who'd said he had plans elsewhere... "I don't feel like going, do you want to go for a drink?" This is so rare in London to actually feel like going out when i've already come home... but yes, I do feel like having a chat with him.
I start my dinner when msn calls me. My friend T. just passing by and wishing me a good evening (and more) while on his way out elsewhere, too... Very sweet!
I feel blessed to have these friends
Good evening to everyone!
24 January 2008
like a wave coming and leaving on the shore
so is my heart being pushed against my back cold and burning simultaneously
so are my tears - coming in then leaving...
if I listen long enough
they talk to me about love
and I cry harder
separation is taking place
with the accompanying pain
and a nascent flavour of deep joy
I am terrified to love and be loved
so is my heart being pushed against my back cold and burning simultaneously
so are my tears - coming in then leaving...
if I listen long enough
they talk to me about love
and I cry harder
separation is taking place
with the accompanying pain
and a nascent flavour of deep joy
I am terrified to love and be loved
21 January 2008
on my need to be mothered...
I generally approach new chosen situations with excitment - sometimes apprehension, too - and that "everything is going to change, life will be better, I can start again from scratch..." attitude!
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.
But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.
i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!
I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.
But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.
i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!
I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...
10 January 2008
learning to be loved...
it feels good to meet, to really meet someone. It feels even better when that someone is a close and "loved" one as we commonly say.
So why does it bring tears?
What is the expansion and constriction that my heart feels?
Why is it so difficult to accept to be loved and let it in?
Why do I need to justify my existance every so often? "I am here... this is who I am... I have principles... this is what I think and I want to convince you... I am right, always or I get angry..."
Why is it so hard to breathe in the belly, relax the jaw and let the Earth carry my weight?
I do know some answers to these questions and yet I sometimes can't live them consciously... But I am grateful that some days as I note that I have gone into automatic mode (going fast, justifying my existance...) I am able to be gentle with myself and come back to the feminine within - allowing... This bring tears and inner peace.
These days, I know I've got a massive challenge in front of me. I feel the weight of it and I feel it bring me down from time to time. I don't know if I'll go through this time. But I'm confident that if it's not for this spiral of life it'll be for the next or the one after that...
So why does it bring tears?
What is the expansion and constriction that my heart feels?
Why is it so difficult to accept to be loved and let it in?
Why do I need to justify my existance every so often? "I am here... this is who I am... I have principles... this is what I think and I want to convince you... I am right, always or I get angry..."
Why is it so hard to breathe in the belly, relax the jaw and let the Earth carry my weight?
I do know some answers to these questions and yet I sometimes can't live them consciously... But I am grateful that some days as I note that I have gone into automatic mode (going fast, justifying my existance...) I am able to be gentle with myself and come back to the feminine within - allowing... This bring tears and inner peace.
These days, I know I've got a massive challenge in front of me. I feel the weight of it and I feel it bring me down from time to time. I don't know if I'll go through this time. But I'm confident that if it's not for this spiral of life it'll be for the next or the one after that...
07 January 2008
more ah-has...
Another Monday night... Another dance... Another experience...
I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...
Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.
I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.
Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...
Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!
I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...
Ah-ha!!
The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.
Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...
Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:
thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities
I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...
Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.
I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.
Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...
Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!
I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...
Ah-ha!!
The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.
Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...
Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:
thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities
27 December 2007
Anis et Flore
Un petit gars est né
Quelques minutes avant sa soeur
Mais c'est elle qui s'éveille et
Vient goûter au sein gonflé
Deux poids plumes
Aux lèvres délicatement dessinées
Deux petites frimousses tour à tour
Relaxées puis renfrognées
Quatre yeux grand ouverts
Puis refermés
Des petits doigts si fragiles
Encore tous frippés
Frère et soeur
Deux petites beautés
Venant chambouler
La vie de leur grande soeur
De deux ans leur aînée
N. & B.
Félicitations et grand bonheur à vous cinq!
Quelques minutes avant sa soeur
Mais c'est elle qui s'éveille et
Vient goûter au sein gonflé
Deux poids plumes
Aux lèvres délicatement dessinées
Deux petites frimousses tour à tour
Relaxées puis renfrognées
Quatre yeux grand ouverts
Puis refermés
Des petits doigts si fragiles
Encore tous frippés
Frère et soeur
Deux petites beautés
Venant chambouler
La vie de leur grande soeur
De deux ans leur aînée
N. & B.
Félicitations et grand bonheur à vous cinq!
27 October 2007
les entrailles de la vie
elle monte par vague
enveloppe tout de son épais manteau
fait fi de toute aspérité avec facilité
s'infiltre dans la moindre fissure
rien ne l'arrête
les barrages vieillissent
les portes s'entr'ouvrent
elle pénêtre puis s'évade
m'emportant avec elle
dans des méandres souterrains
inconnus et sombres
sans interrupteur ni bougie
l'électricité est palpable
glissant d'un pôle à l'autre
je découvre un compagnon
ou non
je suis enterrée et vivante
le reste du monde disparaît
pendant que je recharge mes batteries
écartelée par cette énergie
que l'on n'ose pas nommer
qu'il se faut d'oublier et d'enfermer
sexualité
fait fi de toute aspérité avec facilité
s'infiltre dans la moindre fissure
rien ne l'arrête
les barrages vieillissent
les portes s'entr'ouvrent
elle pénêtre puis s'évade
m'emportant avec elle
dans des méandres souterrains
inconnus et sombres
sans interrupteur ni bougie
l'électricité est palpable
glissant d'un pôle à l'autre
je découvre un compagnon
ou non
je suis enterrée et vivante
le reste du monde disparaît
pendant que je recharge mes batteries
écartelée par cette énergie
que l'on n'ose pas nommer
qu'il se faut d'oublier et d'enfermer
sexualité
19 October 2007
abandonment
not talking about sport there as in sport, sometimes you've got to throw the towel. But the opponent "being abandoned" might not be delighted but at least happy to go through without a fight...
referring to life and not talking about the one giving up there but rather the one being abandoned and like in sport it can be that one who makes the next grade up. the one who gives up has to start it all over again it is like a failed attempt and each steps need to be climbed again.
I felt ready and find it difficult to accept that P. was not.
The positive thing is that I did all I could, I was myself, I opened my heart and gave what I could, what I was. He did give sometimes but in the end preferred to give up. It didn't work out.
The difficult thing now is to not close myself and my heart in a kind of "see, there's no point to open up as it doesn't help and it hurts more when it doesn't work". The pain throws me back in an ancient wound that I do not want to revisit but maybe the time is ripe for it whether I want it or not, whether I feel ready or not. something tells me I am ready.
whether it'll be another storm, another freak wave, I feel rooted and connected, I feel there is space within to live through and observe at the same time. I feel there is an invitation to step through the next level of the game - one I've never been before. it is just there, reachable but I'm not sure what the rules are. maybe I don't need to know them as there is someone to help me at the gate - I "just" need to trust her. my intention is to put my trust in her as she knows how.
referring to life and not talking about the one giving up there but rather the one being abandoned and like in sport it can be that one who makes the next grade up. the one who gives up has to start it all over again it is like a failed attempt and each steps need to be climbed again.
I felt ready and find it difficult to accept that P. was not.
The positive thing is that I did all I could, I was myself, I opened my heart and gave what I could, what I was. He did give sometimes but in the end preferred to give up. It didn't work out.
The difficult thing now is to not close myself and my heart in a kind of "see, there's no point to open up as it doesn't help and it hurts more when it doesn't work". The pain throws me back in an ancient wound that I do not want to revisit but maybe the time is ripe for it whether I want it or not, whether I feel ready or not. something tells me I am ready.
whether it'll be another storm, another freak wave, I feel rooted and connected, I feel there is space within to live through and observe at the same time. I feel there is an invitation to step through the next level of the game - one I've never been before. it is just there, reachable but I'm not sure what the rules are. maybe I don't need to know them as there is someone to help me at the gate - I "just" need to trust her. my intention is to put my trust in her as she knows how.
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