The little princess

once upon a time a long, long time ago lived a little girl who always wanted to be a princess. She dreamt about it every day and every night so much so that one day she just knew that her dream had become reality. She had become a princess. She was the most beautiful little princess and she was so special that all the animals of the farm recognised her and loved her, and all the horses recognised her and loved her, and all the people recognised her and loved her. When some people didn't recognise her or didn't pay her the respect she was due she became very angry. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

Now this little girl had many brothers and sisters and she knew that all of them wanted to become princes and princesses too and so there was stiff competition. And so she dreamt more than her brothers and sisters, and she asked always to be the most beautiful and the most intelligent of all and to be worshipped by all the people across the land. And when some people didn't worship her the way she was due she became very angry. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

The most beautiful little princess left the land where too many people didn't love her and worshipped her the way she was due and arrived to a new land where all the people loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. And she was very happy. But as time went by the little princess was growing up and the love and worship of all the people was no longer quite enough because she wanted the most beautiful prince to find her and to love her and to worship her the way she was due. If the most beautiful prince could not find her then could all the love and the worship from all the people really be real? The little princess who was growing up became angry because the most beautiful prince obviously didn't live in this land. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

The most beautiful little princess left the land where too many people didn't love her and worshipped her the way she was due and arrived in a new land where all the people loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. And the most beautiful prince lived on this land and found her and loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. But as time went by the little princess was growing up and all the love and worship of the most beautiful prince was no longer quite enough because she wasno longer that he was the most beautiful prince. She might have made a mistake and the most beautiful prince was still looking for her to love her and worhip her. The little princess grew angry the real most beautiful prince obviously didn't live in this land. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

Once again, the most beautiful princess left the land where the prince had tricked her to think that he was the most beautiful prince and she erred for a long time. Finally she arrived in a new land where people didn't love her not worshipped her the way she was due. Because the people didn't love her and worship her she could be get angry, get out of character and ugly and she became very angry against the people of this land. But they didn't care and they continued living their lives without loving her or worshipping her. When she saw that being angry didn't change them one bit, she wept and wept and wept until the tears dried out and she fell asleep. When she woke up, the little princess had gone and only a not so young woman was there. And next to her stood a man who was not the most beautiful prince and she smiled at him.

story of little clairem

Tonight and most of today, "I" has been a worthless and anxious little claire, feeling abandoned, longing for an answer that is not coming and making up all kind of stories, postponing deadlines to give him one more chance and try to find some peace. The fact that I am checking hopelessly my inbox every 3 seconds prevents any kind of peace to settle though..

Yet there are moments when I can centre myself, remain with little claire and love her, reassure her and make her feel how worthy and loveable she is. It lasts the time it lasts, usually not very long and it is an ongoing and endless process. Or so it feels... Yet after a whole day and a long evening at home (been back since 5pm) I feel that "I" is changing. Little claire is still very close by but she's no longer my omnipresent centre. As if the love had been enough - for this time - and she could accept to grow, come out of under a dark, wet blanket of shame (= I cannot be loved) and finally separate the longing and the anxiety...

I still want to see him but I don't feel crushed by an overwhelming need to know what's going on in his head. At the moment it's more like "i'm looking forward to hearing from him" than "i can't wait and this silence is killing me"

on my need to be mothered...

I generally approach new chosen situations with excitment - sometimes apprehension, too - and that "everything is going to change, life will be better, I can start again from scratch..." attitude!
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.

But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.

i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!

I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...

I wish

I wish he'd be here holding me tight
"everything's fine sweety"
He's gone and I feel sad
He's gone and maybe that's better

I wish not for him really
but want to be in love
I thought we held something warm together
He's gone and maybe that's beter

I wish it didn't hurt
because he needs to grow up
Somewhere I had secret plans
He's gone and maybe that's better

I wish the pain was not that bad
the alcohol's opened my old wound
why I am trying to convince myself that he's gone and
Maybe that's better...

overwhelmed...

... sad, frozen, stuck, heavy, lethargic, sticky, abandoned, unloved, fearful... Aaaahhhh!! this is it. fear! At least now I know what's going on within.

I've been there all evening, trying to do something, anything --- without success. I felt something needed to shift, that I should be dancing, painting, do my ironing (it's been there for ages), just do something, do something, "just do it" as I read recently in another blog. But nothing would do.

I cooked and ate without being hungry.
I looked at sofa beds (I need one soon for my flat) on various website knowing perfectly that none would be suitable tonight.
I felt like putting some music on but the flat's never been so silent.
I fancied calling a friend I haven't seen in months but couldn't gather the energy to do so.

Clairon is overwhelming tonight and I could not call Mom around this time. For some reason, it didn't work out... I just wouldn't let go, I "want" to be a victim and receive love that is not coming. Clairon awaits a Love that doesn't exist out there. I await Love from the perfect man, the God, the confident but am unable to retrieve my projections. The man is far away and busy tonight, and Clairette is secretly sending him Love and warm wishes for a night he was looking forward to, for a meeting his heart had been longing for...

Once again Clairon and Clairette struggle and Clairon buries myself because she's too frightened of the good, the beautiful, the gold in the shadow... I think I'd better give Clairette a bit of space before the day's over, to even things out. Maybe Mom will turn up then and maybe the heavy, longing energy weighing on the God out there will lift, letting him free to be a man.

Love and compassion for all the deeply wounded Clairon of this world.

an unusual dance class

It was 34 years before I was introduced to the 5Rhythms ecstatic dance, meditation in movement by Gabrielle Roth (www.gabrielleroth.com) and I've hardly missed a weekly class. Because I love it, for once. But also because it's transformed my life. Because something happens on the dance floor that is difficult to describe with words. Because there are openings and closings, hopes and fears, terrifying anger contained in the safety of the class, terrible sadness of which I fear I won't come out...
But the worst is none of these. No, the worst, to my experience, is when "nothing" happens. No big drama, no ecstasy, no elation, no inflation, no diving, no flying... nothing.

And tonight was one of those nights. I had great expectations because it was full moon, and without being able to see it in Europe, an eclipse... and so I came with an intention. But I soon found myself limited physically by some rare feet pain, tiredness, thigh muscles as hard as rock, and a bad and painful sting or bite under my left ankle but which thought best to venture across half the foot...

I came out quiet, frustrated, sad and maybe even disappointed... (I hate to think that but I reckon it is true...) I became aware of my limitations, both physical and mental, and it just hits me as I write these words that rather than being kind and sending love and support I judged myself for my "failings" and felt resentment and anger.

I am truly sorry. It is now time to make amend with gentleness and nurturing.

This look

You give me this look but say
it's neither the good place nor the good time
will there ever such things as good time and good place?
so please, please please don't give me this look

Don't, don't, don't give me this look
sending starshape-like sparkles from my heart
pins tearing through muscles all down the legs
weakening the knees I can't stand
I need your support



Or give me this look that
pierces through my skull
steals my intimate secrets
reads my most shameful fantasies
and makes me your Queen

Give me this look but
don't turn away your eyes or I dissolve
you must keep looking and never quit
you must never leave me
you must never leave again

Kicking in tonight

Giving some space to the feeling of longing
not just dismiss it as unimportant
allowing it some time to be expressed
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhh....

Tonight I don't want to acknowledge it
"I've dealt with it, it's gone now" goes my left brain
but my heart doesn't buy it
slaughtered as it is by a searing pain

The loss of a loved one is sorrowful
as much as it is a real blessing
but then again at this very minute
don't even try to make me believe this rubbish

the morning after the night before...

The downside of feeling elated, of flying high always comes eventually...

If until yesterday I felt all powerful, hyper-confident, beautiful, riding the clouds, loveable, surfing the wave, accepting new sides of me that were previously neglected, allowing the overwhelming emotions to pour out of my every cell and loving it all.... well today is a rather different story. After the peak, here comes the trough!

I feel wide opened, chaotic, judgemental, vulnerable, sad, unprotected, exposed, unshielded, defenceless, powerless... I know my inner witch has returned with a vengeance yet I am unable to show her the door. And so I alternatively watch her objectively try to do her work before getting caught in her spider web... and the cycles start again.

At this very minute I am free of the cobweb and I can say that the experience of the weekend was worthwhile and the processing work (and love) has started in my deepest core. In the next I might be overwhelmed and wishing that the weekend had not happened at all...

Regression and awareness

I miss P.
He doesn't get in touch often enough to my liking.
I think of him at work.
I imagine what I'll say to him when I see him.
Then my friend R. calls.
I tell her that it is hard.
That I miss him.
But that things are great when we meet.
And so it's ok for a few days.
Then I miss him.
I think of him at work.
She talks to me about H.
For a short while I wonder why I complain.
She hungs up.
I decide to write to her. An email. To expand a little more.
Because I haven't said enough on the phone.
I said it hurts.
Then BAM!! A slap across my face!
It hurts not because I miss him.
It hurts because of my personal story/history.
Silence creates longing.
I feel in love.
In love with the longing.
In love with the suffering.
Because then I'm not lonely.
There's the suffering.
It's a blessing.
Or so I thought for many long years.
I feel tired. Exhausted.
I only want to be in bed.
I need to sleep.
I need to forget.
I need to hide.
I need to feel sorry for myself.
So that he'll come as the Prince Charming .
So that he'll love me.

STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!
I would like to hear from P.
Yet I can mother and nurture myself.
I want to stay alive when he doesn't keep in touch.
It hurts and that belongs to me.
I don't send the email to R.

Tarot card

I wish I wrote more and yet, I've got no words these days. Do I find it frustrating? Yes in many ways because I've got so much to say, to cry, to shout, to murmur, to come out... But it also gives me time to do other things, like reading instead. At this time I've dived into "The last temptation" by Nikos Kazantzakis. Recommended reading, so much better than Scorsese's "Last temptation of Christ"!!

It also has given me time to find out which Tarot card I am which I discovered on Sarananda's blog, in a post called "You are the world". And so tonight, here I am:

The Hierophant
Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching. All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

Click here if you want to know for yourself

L'attente

Pas de nouvelles
Faut-il dire "bonne nouvelle"?
Pas de réponses
Viendra-t-il sans qu'il s'annonce?

Depuis le temps que j'attends
Je m'impatiente je me ments
Depuis le temps que je rêve
Rien ne va plus j'en crève

Encore 8 jours
Depuis combien le compte à rebours?
Encore une vie
Dois-je me dire que tout est fini?

Depuis le temps que j'espère
Tout va mal de travers
Depuis le temps que j'y pense
Tout me rappelle son absence

Encore combien d'années
Me faudra-t-il l'aimer?
Encore combien de sourires
Pour cesser de souffrir?

Depuis le temps que je crois
Qu'il me remarquera moi
Depuis le temps que je me persuade
Il est temps de partir en ruades

Je ne souhaite qu'une chose
Ne laissez pas la porte close
Je veux la place au dialogue
Et surtout pas de psychologue

clairem --- Nov 1989

The invisible

Like a herd they hopped on
Buzzing, wild, strong and defiant
Tall and short, handsome or spotty
They're one of a kind with their uniforms.

Trousers down to expose their fashionable pants
Ties half undone
Nike rucksacks to complete the picture
They feel safe because they belong.

The leaders get off at the next stop and
The atmosphere grows quieter.
A free electron takes a seat
Seemingly looking out by the window but...

Really, throwing side-glances for a potential follower
Dying out to be called back in the circle.
He puts a brave face but
The world is heavy on his shoulders once again...

When another group of 10 leaves
There's only one to say good-bye.
The wrong one, though, the odd number
His heart sinks a little deeper and weeps.

He's the only one left as the train departs
He's the outsider living further afield
Beyond the borders.
He's invisible.