overwhelmed...

... sad, frozen, stuck, heavy, lethargic, sticky, abandoned, unloved, fearful... Aaaahhhh!! this is it. fear! At least now I know what's going on within.

I've been there all evening, trying to do something, anything --- without success. I felt something needed to shift, that I should be dancing, painting, do my ironing (it's been there for ages), just do something, do something, "just do it" as I read recently in another blog. But nothing would do.

I cooked and ate without being hungry.
I looked at sofa beds (I need one soon for my flat) on various website knowing perfectly that none would be suitable tonight.
I felt like putting some music on but the flat's never been so silent.
I fancied calling a friend I haven't seen in months but couldn't gather the energy to do so.

Clairon is overwhelming tonight and I could not call Mom around this time. For some reason, it didn't work out... I just wouldn't let go, I "want" to be a victim and receive love that is not coming. Clairon awaits a Love that doesn't exist out there. I await Love from the perfect man, the God, the confident but am unable to retrieve my projections. The man is far away and busy tonight, and Clairette is secretly sending him Love and warm wishes for a night he was looking forward to, for a meeting his heart had been longing for...

Once again Clairon and Clairette struggle and Clairon buries myself because she's too frightened of the good, the beautiful, the gold in the shadow... I think I'd better give Clairette a bit of space before the day's over, to even things out. Maybe Mom will turn up then and maybe the heavy, longing energy weighing on the God out there will lift, letting him free to be a man.

Love and compassion for all the deeply wounded Clairon of this world.