The Chameleon

For better and for worse
A woman carries his cross.
Did she understand all the acts
When she signed the contract?

When she falls off
he's impatient with her irrational attitude
as he can't stand his own so
quickly she climbs back up
Spreads her arms exposes her heart.
The nails are easily back in and
All is well again, in order.

She accepts the consequences
Does she know she's not there?
That she doesn't exist?
She cleared the place to accommodate his shit.

In return
He gave her all the keys of his kingdom with one single rule
The room of anger and rage is mine
Don't ever use it or I'll kill you.

She's good, she won't even try
She's probably even lost the key.
She is what he expects of her
At all times.

Like a chameleon
She soaks up his atmosphere
Slips inside his landscape and
Makes herself part of it
Oblivious and invisible to her own.

I need help to discover what my own landscape look like
I'll accept all the help I can get to find out what my true colours are

no escape!

what goes on inside
happens outside
everything is interconnected
with everything

physical and spirtual
material and psychological

there's no time
there's no space

when on doesn't look inside
it's put right in one's face outside

there's no possible escape

The more taboos and prohibitions there are in the world,
The poorer the people will be.
The more sharp weapons the people have,
The more troubled the state will be.
The more cunning and skill man possesses,
The more vicious things will appear.
The mmore law and orders are made prominent,
The more thieves and robbers there will be.


Lao Tzu

a missing ingredient

i'm missing an ingredient somewhere
that I wish I could find...
not too sure what it is unfortunately
anyone's got a recipe to help?
been told it's a little blend without it

i hope i can find it
will incorporate it with the stock that tastes good
hoping that it blends well

if i like the look and smell of it
i'll put it to the real test out there...
wish me luck!

free fall

what happened?
falling
in the deep shit hole
with no parachute
it's getting darker and darker
i'm going faster and faster

but what now?
i am slowing down
have a few words done the trick?
there's a bottom at the end of this well
open to an unknown and welcoming place

so what next?
the experience had to be revisited
painful, lonely, fearful, lifeless
rubbing on old awaken wounds
re-membered!

a conscious suffering
one that has a meaning
and slowly brings healing

The little princess

once upon a time a long, long time ago lived a little girl who always wanted to be a princess. She dreamt about it every day and every night so much so that one day she just knew that her dream had become reality. She had become a princess. She was the most beautiful little princess and she was so special that all the animals of the farm recognised her and loved her, and all the horses recognised her and loved her, and all the people recognised her and loved her. When some people didn't recognise her or didn't pay her the respect she was due she became very angry. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

Now this little girl had many brothers and sisters and she knew that all of them wanted to become princes and princesses too and so there was stiff competition. And so she dreamt more than her brothers and sisters, and she asked always to be the most beautiful and the most intelligent of all and to be worshipped by all the people across the land. And when some people didn't worship her the way she was due she became very angry. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

The most beautiful little princess left the land where too many people didn't love her and worshipped her the way she was due and arrived to a new land where all the people loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. And she was very happy. But as time went by the little princess was growing up and the love and worship of all the people was no longer quite enough because she wanted the most beautiful prince to find her and to love her and to worship her the way she was due. If the most beautiful prince could not find her then could all the love and the worship from all the people really be real? The little princess who was growing up became angry because the most beautiful prince obviously didn't live in this land. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

The most beautiful little princess left the land where too many people didn't love her and worshipped her the way she was due and arrived in a new land where all the people loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. And the most beautiful prince lived on this land and found her and loved her and worshipped her the way she was due. But as time went by the little princess was growing up and all the love and worship of the most beautiful prince was no longer quite enough because she wasno longer that he was the most beautiful prince. She might have made a mistake and the most beautiful prince was still looking for her to love her and worhip her. The little princess grew angry the real most beautiful prince obviously didn't live in this land. But a princess cannot possibly get angry because it is so out of character and ugly. And so instead she would turn around and leave.

Once again, the most beautiful princess left the land where the prince had tricked her to think that he was the most beautiful prince and she erred for a long time. Finally she arrived in a new land where people didn't love her not worshipped her the way she was due. Because the people didn't love her and worship her she could be get angry, get out of character and ugly and she became very angry against the people of this land. But they didn't care and they continued living their lives without loving her or worshipping her. When she saw that being angry didn't change them one bit, she wept and wept and wept until the tears dried out and she fell asleep. When she woke up, the little princess had gone and only a not so young woman was there. And next to her stood a man who was not the most beautiful prince and she smiled at him.

The power of me

surfing on the wave and feeling on the top of the world
before
being engulfed in the ditch and fearing it is the last stop

a never ending swinging already encountered
in relationships of all kinds
out there with others
and within with myself

a new pendulum now oscillates between
crushing energy of anger
and
enpowering and transforming energy of agression

welcome!

words for pain
resentment
anxiety
sadness
fear
anger
hate
misunderstandings
aberration
envy
dark
etc.

I know well how to articulate them when things get complicated, uneasy and choatic

words for joy
pleasure
open heart
smile
easiness
love
friendliness
compassion
fogiveness
gratitude
light
etc.

these are a much harder task to get a grip on to communicate those feelings

i will work to restore a healthy balance

Ouch...

what else when
a door has been lashed open
a slap given across the face
a fist received in the stomach
from out there

what else when
a disheartening scream is being heard
both eyes are flooded with salted water
an extreme resistance sets in
from deep within

what else can it be
than an extreme pain
rising from the dead
making itself felt
in dis-ease and illness
in the body

Thank you and welcome
to this blast from the past

i is all i have

this is not bad
that is not good

this is i
that is i, too
and
i can not be bad not good
i simply is

and i must add an adjective
i is real
whether i like it or not

so i'd better like it
cos' i is all i have



(and I wish this image was bigger but I can't be bothered to rework on it....)
......

not good nor bad

how can this be not good nor bad?
or that be not right nor wrong?

I do this and I hate myself for it
I do that and I love myself for it

I do this and I risk be rejected for it
so this is bad
I am bad
this part of me that does this is bad
I end up hating her

I do that and I'm being loved for it
so that is good
I am good
that part of me that does that is good
I end up sticking around with her

yet they're both me, aren't they?
how on Earth can I live hating some part of me?
slow
without answer
lethargic
angry
stressed
short-fused
tired
driven
and many more....

learning to not judge, not fly away, not repress, not move, learning to listen and be
remembering again and again, this is not bad and that is not good - it's an illusion

a different birthday

38th birthday!
a threshold
a portal
an open gate

prepared slowly
in depth
without rush

in the present
yesterday
today and
tomorrow

possibilities
transformations
openness

reset
new lease of life
happy birthday
and beyond!

breakthrough after breakthrough

I'm living a dream these days
ok sometimes it turns a bit into nightmar-ish dream kind of thing where fear and frozeness take over
but even then!

i watch myself being in that state
i seem to identify less to whatever emotion turns up
there seems to be more fluidity
in the relationship to myself and to others

i experienced something beautiful today
when an well known kind of anger and rage submerged me for a while because X asked me to do something that I thought was ridiculous in terms of wasted time and ressources
but then for some reason, I actually got out of it and focussed on how to change X's idea, in a creative way rather than the bull's way

and it kind of worked!!!!!!!!!!!!

we met in the middle and although I wasn't too happy to feel that I was wasting time, the rage had just gone!

Clairem this is unheard of.
Well done (gentle tap on the shoulder and the back)

cold blood

january 2009 is over and done with
already!!!

and what a month it's been!
adjusting to a new boss
and new methods of working
taking in a new training
and a new weekly schedule
sticking to my new resolution
and listening to my body

recording a few big dreams
feeling my well guarded borders
that don't let anyone in
watching the crocus blossom
and the snow fall silently on cold ground

I've grown his month
I've not been kicked out of the garden of Eden
No, this time
I've kicked myself out
of a false comfort zone

Yes, outside it is terrifying
but this is where real life is
and i will now live in it
in the world of warm blood

dancing inside

dancing with no desire to be there
dancing with fear creeping in
dancing with my inner child
without trying to get him out
staying with him
however unconfortable
experiencing his terror
frozenness
disabilities
and tremor

dancing with the feet
when they cramp, get stiff
when the toes get blocked
and the ankles tire
staying with them
however uncomfortable
experiencing the tries
misses
and tries

I am grateful

water, water, water

A couple of months ago, on a Sunday afternoon, on the spur of the moment I went to the local (still unknown to me) Spa to look at the time passing by in the jacuzzi, the sauna, at the cafe table with a fruit juice. At least it as the idea...
Instead I ended up in a basement with a badly lit swimming pool and no cafe, no table, no fruit juice. So I swam for a while and wowwwww

the contact of the water on the skin was pure bliss, the small currents created by the movements of my arms or that or another swimmer I was passing by... there was just an immense pleasure at being in the water! THere was also a great surprised as I haven't enjoyed swimming in the last few years...
Then I remembered how much I loved the water as I was younger, whether pool, sea, lake, river, bath, whether cold or warm...
Then I remembered how much I love my morning shower (even if I don't spend as much time as I'd like as I can't get up in the morning...) not so much to wake up but mostly to be under the running water

Then I realised that i was enjoying it on that evening because I hadn't come to do some exercise, to swim for however long in minutes or meters. No, I had come to have a good and relaxing time! It made all the difference in the world!

And so I promised myself I'd go again - not in that same place though. To night, I'm back from the pool where people go to exercise, lots of people after work... I got in the slow lane and it took some constant awareness to get back to feeling the water on my skin, rather than being impatient because the person in front is slower than me. On those moments though I simply loved it - again.

I am pisces and I love water. It is in constant movement, sound... It is alive and it transmits this life to me when I take the time.

I am so grateful that it's found me again!

end of year looming

it's been cold in London for the last week or so, and the sun has been magnificent, showing up everyday, nearly all day...

crossing Tower Bridge in the winter morning light, with a conflicting body: chest and arms craving for me to open y coat as they feel overheated and neck and cheeks begging to keep my scarf on as the wind blows freezing on their soft skin...

or walking East on Jamaica Road to catch the tube at Bermondsey (these are the days I'm running late, or simply lazy...) and being greeted by the most beautiful yellow glow on the forest of Canarywharf glass skyscrapers as the sun rises!! That made not only my day but my week!!

a proud full moon bathed the city last night and as I came back home after a dinner out with a friend, I walked straight from the main door to the garden to say thank you and make a female blood offering to "her" spirit!

Something shifted this week, I feel lighter, less weight on my shoulders, brighter spirits - are the low dark clouds that have been with me for.... a very long time starting to dissipate, etiolate? will the space be filled with an anticyclone?

shivering...

i've been feeling cold all day
and shivering
my hands under the blanket don't get warm
the slightest body movement brings its lot of tremor spreading from head to toe
there have been so many today that there's like a gentle vibration inside
very pleasant around my heart and all over my tommy

is my body temperature dropping from outside in?
is my body temperature rising from frozen creating ripples, inside out?

does anyone know what shivering might represent symbolically (not medically...) ?

is this the end of this blog?

I just don't seem to be coming back to this blank page... Most of the time I don't even think about it...

Something's shifted and I don't necessarily feel the urge to share my emotions, feelings and responses to events and situations of my life... What I know is that this writing has helped me tremendously over the last 2 years or so, the comments and the knowing that I had witnesses coming back to reading me. It made my journey more real in some way...

I'm not saying farewell just yet and I might yet be back soon as regularly as before, but somehow I doubt it...

That'll be it for now

am i back? don't know

I really don't know what's going on these days... I haven't been that silent for such a long time ever since I started this blog. Some days I don't even think about it, it doesn't cross my mind!

Some things are happening: I have finished and sent my application for the GAPS training, I am trying to support a friend who's being bullied by someone who should be helping him instead, I've been quite busy with work in the past few weeks, I'm going on holiday for almost 2 weeks this coming wednesday...

I feel a bit like having an elastic band around my waist - trying hard to get somewhere and being pulled sharply back to where I started... but each new venturing out brings new insights into my life... which seems to become less compartmentalised - this is just the very beginning!