powerful moon time

at the time of the new moon in Taurus - pleasure, fertility, natural abundance, material security, sensuality, conservation, values, self-worth, steady creative progress, slowing down

just past Beltane - Celtic festival of fire, fertility and love, also known as May Day, when maidens with flowers in their hair dance around the phallic May pole. At Beltane, the maiden met the Horned-God or Green Man in a cave, and coupled with him anonymously. It was a sacred act, and the fruits of that meeting were considered semi-divine. Taurus embodies divine desire, because it is a creative force that sustains life

putting 2 and 2 together and matching my last week with these important and powerful symbols, cermonies and rituals gives the experiences even more weight...

half excited, half terrified

More and more I am discovering facets of who I am...
I try to say to the world that I am like this when really, if I take responsibility for my actions, I am more like that - or at least, I am ALSO like that...

I am fine with it
I am not fine with it
Where am I?
Who am I?
What do I want?
What do I need?

Is this REALLY me?
At the moment, yes.
Am going over the top or is it simply who I am?
I don't have the answer at this very time...

more ah-has...

Another Monday night... Another dance... Another experience...

I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...

Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.

I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.

Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...

Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!

I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...

Ah-ha!!

The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.

Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...

Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:

thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities

liberté d'expression...

Vendredi soir mon intention était de retirer ce manteau que je porte depuis 36 ans, manteau épais d'hiver fait de honte et de culpabilité d'être un être humain désireux de vivre ma sensualité et sexualité, honte et culpabilité doublées du fait que je suis femme...

Depuis j'ai découvert que ce n'est sans doute pas un manteau que je porte, mais plusieurs, empilés les uns sur les autres en une masse épaisse... les manteaux des nombreuses générations de femmes de mes lignées familiales, ancêtres féminies plus ou moins proches n'ayant jamais peut-être eu l'occasion ou ressenti la nécessité de les ôter. Leurs raisons pour cela peuvent êtres variées et n'ont pas grande importance...

Samedi soir, j'ai dansé pour moi, pour ces femmes proches ou lointaines, connues et aimées ou aimantes, ou inconnues et j'ai été inondée de leurs larmes, auxquelles certainement les miennes étaient mêlées, sans être dominantes... j'ai versé nos larmes de souffrance, de répression, d'incompréhension, de jugement, de devoir, d'obligation à paraître et je sens qu'une ou plusieurs épaisseurs de manteaux se sont évaporées...

je me suis sentie lavée, vue, exister...
... assez pour trouver en moi le désir de rédiger ces quelques mots en français... pour qu'ils soient compris de vous tous, famille et amis qui me connaiss"iez" si bien mais bien différente...

je me sens exister pour de vrai...
... assez pour vous dire combien je vous aime...

for all our relations

that's the name of the workshop I've started tonight with a 4h 5Rhythms dance meditation... and tonight I really got involved in the meditation and saw the "full" spectrum of it... I gave back body parts then my entire body to the wise dancer inside myself... both overwhelming and beautiful!

my intention for this weekend is to shed a particular layer that i've been living with for 36 years: the coat of shame and guilt that surrounds being a fully sensual and sexual human being doubled/amplified with shame and guilt of being a woman... i chose to make this coat mine as a child through generations and generations of ancestors and I feel tonight that the time might be right to take it off... I'm not too sure of what I'll find underneath, what I look like as a naked woman - I am to create myself and find my own truth as I go along!!

I will be dancing with this intention for myself AND for all my relations... if you are reading these few words, I will be dancing for you, too... whether man or woman...

blessings and gratitude

thrown into the wave... yet again...

what I've been going through these last few weeks seems to become thicker and less transparent each day. The time of known direction, clear sign-posting and determined motivation has gone... and is being replaced by questions with no answers, anxiety, impatience, obsession (?), addiction (?) or compulsion (?)...

A voice within, dear voice that I have known sooo well for so many years, is getting back with a vengeance. I can keep it away and the door closed at times but it also seems that the slighest wrong doing or word that does not fit my expectations throws the new me overboard and lets the wave of judgment and harsh self-criticism unleash with great force... on board remains Clairon, with all her own addiction to please, with her longing, with the fear that drives her to conform to standards that aren't mine, without a voice and without positive agression. Instead, this agression bursts out at the wrong moments and despite myself...

I know this, I understand it, I have experienced it, but tonight it is as if I couldn't say the inner No and help the new me out of the water... I do not know what to do and as much as I don't like feeling this way can I (will I?) call upon the energy of sensuality and sexuality to help me out...

sexuality

up the legs
through the pelvis and the hips
first implosion

turning inside to the belly
past the diaphragm
moving on to the heart
second implosion

entering the lungs
swelling the breasts
pushing back the shoulders
and up to the head
third implosion

anticipation
imagination
expectation
blessing

gratefulness
nervousness
lightness
joy

creativity
sensuality
sexuality
life

Agression cont'ed

exhaustion
not because I don't sleep enough
nor because my days fill up quickly

numbness
this shadow of stillness I know only too well
i dive escape and finally drown

victimisation
as i dare not look at others in the eye
and have given myself away

possessed
as i think highly of myself
and so should everyone else!

close the taps
stop the leaks
open the doors
ask for help
stand in the storms
expect the unexpected
stay in darkness as long as needed
welcome the many deaths
recognise the births

allow the rising agression
even (particularly if) in sexual energy form
...

exhaustion can go
numbness becomes still
victim turns to spiritual warrior
possessed gets no more hook

les entrailles de la vie

elle monte par vague

enveloppe tout de son épais manteau
fait fi de toute aspérité avec facilité
s'infiltre dans la moindre fissure
rien ne l'arrête
les barrages vieillissent
les portes s'entr'ouvrent
elle pénêtre puis s'évade
m'emportant avec elle
dans des méandres souterrains
inconnus et sombres
sans interrupteur ni bougie


l'électricité est palpable
glissant d'un pôle à l'autre
je découvre un compagnon
ou non
je suis enterrée et vivante
le reste du monde disparaît
pendant que je recharge mes batteries
écartelée par cette énergie
que l'on n'ose pas nommer
qu'il se faut d'oublier et d'enfermer

sexualité

désir sacré

la souffrance
de la petite enfance
remonte à la surface

elle va et vient
de près en loin
et toujours laisse une trace

si la vaguelette sera recouverte la grande marée vient lécher le dos d'un rocher encore inviolé

mon coeur
qui sans cesse avait peur
s'était protégé, barricadé

hermétiquement
on parle d'avant et d'après l'accident
et d'une prison dorée

si la vaguelette est recouverte la grande marée vient frapper à une porte rongée et une serrure rouillée
un jeu d'enfants
au papa et à la maman
comme un passage obligé

deux petits corps nus
qui s'enlacent à vue
sans arrière pensée

si la vaguelette est recouverte la grande marée est venue exposer une honte et un secret jusque là bien gardés

un désir intact
malgré cette attaque
chez des enfants de l'amour

la beauté
de leur découverte sacrée
enfin révélée dans la splendeur du jour

si la vaguelette a été recouverte la grande marée vient rendre sacrées les plages désertées pour des raisons oubliées

Amour ? non, amourS !

J'avais toujours cru que l'on se DEVAIT de mettre une lettre majuscule à Amour, parce qu'il n'en existe qu'un seul de durable, de valable, de véritable, de sensible.
Et donc j'avais toujours cru et vécu que quand pour une raison ou une autre, cet Amour disparaît, est englouti, asséché, fatigué, détourné, trahi, abandonné, arrêté, c'est la vie entière qui s'écroule.

Je ne crois plus à cela. A partir d'aujourd'hui, je me DOIS d'écrire amourS au pluriel. Parce qu'il est possible d'aimer plusieurs personnes à la fois. Ces amourS sont différents, ils viennent combler des besoins distincts, ils viennent soigner des blessures variées, ils viennent aider à être plus complet, plus entier, plus vrai.

Il y a quelques mois j'ai reçu et accepté l'amour d'un homme, qui n'a rien de romantique. En sa présence je me sens connectée à lui et je me sens connectée à moi. Je le désire physiquement avec pour souhait de prendre et de donner du plaisir. En sa présence, j'ai découvert une nouvelle sensualité, une nouvelle manière de séduire et d'aimer ; j'ai découvert que je suis une être sexuée et que ma sexualité est une part importante de ma vie. Très importante. Bien plus que je ne l'avais imaginé.

Je viens de recevoir, et d'accepter l'amour d'un homme, qui n'a rien de romantique. Grâce à lui, ses yeux attentionés bleus océan posés sur les miens encore trop affairés et son sourire que j'entends me dire "il n'y a présentement personne d'autre au monde de plus important que toi", je me sens connectée au reste du monde. Je le désire physiquement avec pour souhait de fusionner, de ne plus exister qu'à travers lui, de n'être qu'un, de disparaître dans mon actuel paraître. C'est à la fois extraordinairement excitant et terrifiant.

Ce deuxième amour m'a fait peur car il venait remettre en question le premier. Et puis finalement, non. Pas du tout. En acceptant de laisser s'exprimer la déferlante d'émotions qui y sont rattachées, ce deuxième amour n'a fait que renforcer le premier. Mon coeur dans ma poitrine ne cesse de me rappeler que je suis VIVANTE.

In the shadow of fear

I didn't listen to my inner voice this morning. Waking up at 7.30am on a Saturday was too early for my reasonable mind, "I was so tired last night, must try to get more sleep". But a small voice was telling me I could get up and go back to bed later in the day if needed. I didn't. I finally got up at 9.30am and surfed on the Internet for a while. Then, this is where it becomes interesting, because I have stopped writing for the last 15min... "no, i cannot write what I want to write, not here"... but also, "well, if I don't write about it, then the post won't make any sense what so ever"... The conflict was raging within as I went back surfing and I am now about to dive into the unknown, the unacceptable, the unspeakable - maybe I should prevent this post to be accessed by anyone underaged...

9.30am it was, looking on the Internet for images of polar bear, meanings of this majestic animal in shamanism and symbols in analytical psychology. I won't go into the reasons behind this search now but I hope to do so in the future. I liked what I read and particularly the idea of mothering - apparently mother bears are very protective mothers for their cubs and very gentle and patient but also very fierce in making sure nothing happens to them. I kept having images coming to my mind and as I was sitting on my bed I started to feel sexually aroused. My nipples were calling for gentle strokes and I happily answered their request. So much so that I ended up putting the laptop away and giving myself all the attention required. I believe that was a turning point.

A while later I covered myself with my duvet again and went back to "sleep" for an hour, fully aware that it wasn't what I wanted. Yet I couldn't move, I was stuck there by some kind of greater strength, there was nothing I could do to fight it. It took me a little while to recognise it and name it: overwhelming numbness! This shadow of fear is well known to me, being almost ever present for many many years! I tried to make it move in my body, to give it life but it wouldn't work. Finally I knew what I had to do: I had to give it life in words. And what better place than here?!

Yet I'm not sure what made it visit me today. But as I write these words I can hear "of course you do", and indeed I do know. Yes it has to do with the physical and sexual pleasure I gave myself earlier but it is not the whole story either, this was only the trigger. It comes back to a dream I had early this week which we expanded a little yesterday with my analyst. In that dream I give birth to a tiny little boy and in my old bedroom at my parents' I unwrap him from a wolf-like fancy dress outfit that is zipped on his back from head to toe. This baby boy is relying on me to get fed, protected, be loved nurtured and mothered and to grow enough before he can go alone onto his own path. At this very moment in time, he is extremely vulnerable and this is exactly how I feel, vulnerable. I feel that anything and anyone could very easily crush me.

So I keep swinging between the old pattern where I am in charge (or so I think) and so well protected that no one can even dream of touching my heart and a new opening where I accept my vulnerability and do all I can to protect myself from what I believe may be attacks, trying to keep the doors open for others to get in. The difficulty is that I am even scared of people who love me... As Tiffanie puts it in her post Cities, I wish I will visit the place called Trust sometime soon.

Les-Bi-Gay 5 Rhythms class

It will have taken me about a year to finally walk in the room. I was both fascinated and terrified at the idea of dancing with people having different sexual orientation. I guess mostly terrified seen how long that took me... Yet I know gay people in my family, I have close lesbien friends and that has never been a problem to me. I guess it was the mixing of the dance with the sexal orientation that scared me most. Because personal spaces can sometimes be blurred on the dance floor and because I wasn't too sure where my own sexuality lies?
And so I went tonight and I had a very good time, from self-conscious to being possessed into chaos the way I have been in the last few weeks. And being Friday most of us ended up going for coffee/peppermint tea and muffins across the road. No better way of finishing the working week, really...