what I've been going through these last few weeks seems to become thicker and less transparent each day. The time of known direction, clear sign-posting and determined motivation has gone... and is being replaced by questions with no answers, anxiety, impatience, obsession (?), addiction (?) or compulsion (?)...
A voice within, dear voice that I have known sooo well for so many years, is getting back with a vengeance. I can keep it away and the door closed at times but it also seems that the slighest wrong doing or word that does not fit my expectations throws the new me overboard and lets the wave of judgment and harsh self-criticism unleash with great force... on board remains Clairon, with all her own addiction to please, with her longing, with the fear that drives her to conform to standards that aren't mine, without a voice and without positive agression. Instead, this agression bursts out at the wrong moments and despite myself...
I know this, I understand it, I have experienced it, but tonight it is as if I couldn't say the inner No and help the new me out of the water... I do not know what to do and as much as I don't like feeling this way can I (will I?) call upon the energy of sensuality and sexuality to help me out...
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