abandonment

not talking about sport there as in sport, sometimes you've got to throw the towel. But the opponent "being abandoned" might not be delighted but at least happy to go through without a fight...

referring to life and not talking about the one giving up there but rather the one being abandoned and like in sport it can be that one who makes the next grade up. the one who gives up has to start it all over again it is like a failed attempt and each steps need to be climbed again.

I felt ready and find it difficult to accept that P. was not.

The positive thing is that I did all I could, I was myself, I opened my heart and gave what I could, what I was. He did give sometimes but in the end preferred to give up. It didn't work out.

The difficult thing now is to not close myself and my heart in a kind of "see, there's no point to open up as it doesn't help and it hurts more when it doesn't work". The pain throws me back in an ancient wound that I do not want to revisit but maybe the time is ripe for it whether I want it or not, whether I feel ready or not. something tells me I am ready.

whether it'll be another storm, another freak wave, I feel rooted and connected, I feel there is space within to live through and observe at the same time. I feel there is an invitation to step through the next level of the game - one I've never been before. it is just there, reachable but I'm not sure what the rules are. maybe I don't need to know them as there is someone to help me at the gate - I "just" need to trust her. my intention is to put my trust in her as she knows how.