words for pain
resentment
anxiety
sadness
fear
anger
hate
misunderstandings
aberration
envy
dark
etc.

I know well how to articulate them when things get complicated, uneasy and choatic

words for joy
pleasure
open heart
smile
easiness
love
friendliness
compassion
fogiveness
gratitude
light
etc.

these are a much harder task to get a grip on to communicate those feelings

i will work to restore a healthy balance

Ouch...

what else when
a door has been lashed open
a slap given across the face
a fist received in the stomach
from out there

what else when
a disheartening scream is being heard
both eyes are flooded with salted water
an extreme resistance sets in
from deep within

what else can it be
than an extreme pain
rising from the dead
making itself felt
in dis-ease and illness
in the body

Thank you and welcome
to this blast from the past

i is all i have

this is not bad
that is not good

this is i
that is i, too
and
i can not be bad not good
i simply is

and i must add an adjective
i is real
whether i like it or not

so i'd better like it
cos' i is all i have



(and I wish this image was bigger but I can't be bothered to rework on it....)
......

not good nor bad

how can this be not good nor bad?
or that be not right nor wrong?

I do this and I hate myself for it
I do that and I love myself for it

I do this and I risk be rejected for it
so this is bad
I am bad
this part of me that does this is bad
I end up hating her

I do that and I'm being loved for it
so that is good
I am good
that part of me that does that is good
I end up sticking around with her

yet they're both me, aren't they?
how on Earth can I live hating some part of me?
slow
without answer
lethargic
angry
stressed
short-fused
tired
driven
and many more....

learning to not judge, not fly away, not repress, not move, learning to listen and be
remembering again and again, this is not bad and that is not good - it's an illusion

une journée pas comme les autres

ce n'est pourtant pas un grand
de ceux avec un zéro
il aurait pu passer presque inaperçu
comme une lettre à la poste...

mais non!
à la place, il a ouvert grand les portes
laissé entrer le premier soleil printanier d'avant garde
il a convié des amis/es de tellement longue date
que je les avais presque oubliés/es

et quelles retrouvailles!!
une grande douceur, avec une petite pointe de peur
une grande rigolade, à quelques bonnes paires de boutades
enfin une belle présence, ici et maintenant

la journée est passée, puis la soirée
il a laissé les portes ouvertes
et les amis/es semblent vouloir rester
ils/elles se sentent accueilis/es et pleins d'énergie!

une belle journée d'anniversaire!!!

a different birthday

38th birthday!
a threshold
a portal
an open gate

prepared slowly
in depth
without rush

in the present
yesterday
today and
tomorrow

possibilities
transformations
openness

reset
new lease of life
happy birthday
and beyond!

breakthrough after breakthrough

I'm living a dream these days
ok sometimes it turns a bit into nightmar-ish dream kind of thing where fear and frozeness take over
but even then!

i watch myself being in that state
i seem to identify less to whatever emotion turns up
there seems to be more fluidity
in the relationship to myself and to others

i experienced something beautiful today
when an well known kind of anger and rage submerged me for a while because X asked me to do something that I thought was ridiculous in terms of wasted time and ressources
but then for some reason, I actually got out of it and focussed on how to change X's idea, in a creative way rather than the bull's way

and it kind of worked!!!!!!!!!!!!

we met in the middle and although I wasn't too happy to feel that I was wasting time, the rage had just gone!

Clairem this is unheard of.
Well done (gentle tap on the shoulder and the back)

cold blood

january 2009 is over and done with
already!!!

and what a month it's been!
adjusting to a new boss
and new methods of working
taking in a new training
and a new weekly schedule
sticking to my new resolution
and listening to my body

recording a few big dreams
feeling my well guarded borders
that don't let anyone in
watching the crocus blossom
and the snow fall silently on cold ground

I've grown his month
I've not been kicked out of the garden of Eden
No, this time
I've kicked myself out
of a false comfort zone

Yes, outside it is terrifying
but this is where real life is
and i will now live in it
in the world of warm blood

dancing inside

dancing with no desire to be there
dancing with fear creeping in
dancing with my inner child
without trying to get him out
staying with him
however unconfortable
experiencing his terror
frozenness
disabilities
and tremor

dancing with the feet
when they cramp, get stiff
when the toes get blocked
and the ankles tire
staying with them
however uncomfortable
experiencing the tries
misses
and tries

I am grateful

water, water, water

A couple of months ago, on a Sunday afternoon, on the spur of the moment I went to the local (still unknown to me) Spa to look at the time passing by in the jacuzzi, the sauna, at the cafe table with a fruit juice. At least it as the idea...
Instead I ended up in a basement with a badly lit swimming pool and no cafe, no table, no fruit juice. So I swam for a while and wowwwww

the contact of the water on the skin was pure bliss, the small currents created by the movements of my arms or that or another swimmer I was passing by... there was just an immense pleasure at being in the water! THere was also a great surprised as I haven't enjoyed swimming in the last few years...
Then I remembered how much I loved the water as I was younger, whether pool, sea, lake, river, bath, whether cold or warm...
Then I remembered how much I love my morning shower (even if I don't spend as much time as I'd like as I can't get up in the morning...) not so much to wake up but mostly to be under the running water

Then I realised that i was enjoying it on that evening because I hadn't come to do some exercise, to swim for however long in minutes or meters. No, I had come to have a good and relaxing time! It made all the difference in the world!

And so I promised myself I'd go again - not in that same place though. To night, I'm back from the pool where people go to exercise, lots of people after work... I got in the slow lane and it took some constant awareness to get back to feeling the water on my skin, rather than being impatient because the person in front is slower than me. On those moments though I simply loved it - again.

I am pisces and I love water. It is in constant movement, sound... It is alive and it transmits this life to me when I take the time.

I am so grateful that it's found me again!

grandir

parmi les quelques résolutions, celle de grandir - enfin!?!
non par la force des choses
consciemment, motivée et résolue
intellectuellement bien-sûr mais aussi
dans le ressenti, le coeur et le corps
lui que je souhaite respecter et
que je sabote, encore et encore
parce que je refuse de grandir!

2008, année pleine s'il en fut!!
2009, aurai-je juste un peu de temps pour m'ennuyer?

bonne année 2009

qu'elle soit belle, douce, créative et vous aide à avancer sur ce chemin qui est le vôtre!
tous mes voeux pour le neuf!

Revenir sur terre

se trouver dans des situations qui se répètent et
éviter de simplement répéter l'histoire

se heurter à des situations historiques et
éviter de simplement réagir aveuglément

se frotter à des situations aveuglantes et
éviter de simplement y perdre son latin

parce que ça se passe que dans les rêves
parce qu'on a pas les pieds sur terre
parce que quand on retombe ça fait encore plus mal

s'attendre à des situations inexistantes et
éviter d'y laisser des plumes

les efforts à renouveler sans cesse pour
s'interdirent de vendre la peau de l'ours avant de l'avoir tué
et rester les pieds sur terre

new new new

whenever I started this blog, tonight it felt very old and on the spur of the moment it just needed to be changed, revamped, like giving it a new layer of paint and a new lease of life. not that I really like this template, but that'll do anyway :)) more colours, more life!!

je me sens vivante

ca vous tombe dessus comme ça, par surprise, sans prévenir, et ça vous assomme!

il y a six ans je me suis trouvée face à une situation tellement douloureuse qu'il m'a fallu trouver une personne compétente qui pourrait m'aider à la traverser. Je ne souhaitais qu'une chose, faire le dos rond, attende que passe l'orage, et continuer ma route comme si de rien n'était. Mais sans pouvoir mettre de mots, je SAVAIS que jouer l'autruche n'était cette fois pas possible. J'ai eu une chance incroyable dans cette histoire, car le premier psychothérapeute que j'ai rencontré a été le bon. Six ans plus tard, je travaille toujours avec lui, deux fois par semaine...

L'objectif, à l'époque, était de sortir de cette situation le plus vite possible et puis d'être heureuse (happy en anglais, le happy de "don't worry, be happy"). Il était clair dans ma tête qu'une thérapie me rendrait "happy". N'est-ce pas ce que tout un chacun désire et recherche à tout prix ?

Avancée rapide....

Il y a quelques semaines, j'ai compris, mon coeur et mon corps ont touché du doigt une vérité, ma vérité : cette thérapie, cette longue psychananalyse ne me rendrait pas "happy"...

Parce que être "happy" n'existe que s'il y a aussi du non "happy" comme la nuit n'existe pas sans le jour, le chaud sans le froid, le féminin sans le masculin, le yin sans le yang, la conscience sans l'inconscient, l'hiver sans l'été...
Parce que "happy" n'est qu'une seule des nombreuses émotions qui vient nous assaillir, nous submerger parfois
Parce que pour être vivant, vraiment vivant, on ne peut simplement oublier toutes les autres
Parce que le but de cette vie humaine n'est pas d'être "happy" mais d'être vrai et que cela est un labeur quotidien, parfois agréable et léger, parfois qu'on préfèrerait éviter...

Malgré tout, aujourd'hui je n'ai d'autre choix que celui de continuer ma nouvelle route - plus exactement, mon choix est de continuer ma nouvelle route ; quand je regarde vers le passé, je n'y retournerais pour rien au monde. Aujourd'hui j'existe et je me sens vivante

new cycle

as from January 7th 2009 I will be a Jungian psycho-analyst trainee with GAPS, the Guild of Analytical Psychology and Spirituality...

The news came after months of preparation, self- investigation, interviews... if I was half expecting it half hoping for it, it nevertheless became a burden as well as a relief and excitment! A few weeks down the line though, the excitment is growing and the work will be there for me to sit down and read and prepare presentations and write essays... wow!

In these last months of preparation for it, I found out how my life has been marked by recurrent 5 year-cycles. Well, I started the process of applying after 5 years in therapy/analysis! a new cycle is definitely starting!

end of year looming

it's been cold in London for the last week or so, and the sun has been magnificent, showing up everyday, nearly all day...

crossing Tower Bridge in the winter morning light, with a conflicting body: chest and arms craving for me to open y coat as they feel overheated and neck and cheeks begging to keep my scarf on as the wind blows freezing on their soft skin...

or walking East on Jamaica Road to catch the tube at Bermondsey (these are the days I'm running late, or simply lazy...) and being greeted by the most beautiful yellow glow on the forest of Canarywharf glass skyscrapers as the sun rises!! That made not only my day but my week!!

a proud full moon bathed the city last night and as I came back home after a dinner out with a friend, I walked straight from the main door to the garden to say thank you and make a female blood offering to "her" spirit!

Something shifted this week, I feel lighter, less weight on my shoulders, brighter spirits - are the low dark clouds that have been with me for.... a very long time starting to dissipate, etiolate? will the space be filled with an anticyclone?

aggressivity

positive or negative
focused or lost
driving forward - or not

i want to get through the seal not around
i need to feel what it's like
to love someone
to hate that same someone
and love them again

i am scared that my anger will
destroy them for ever
so powerful it has become
omnipotent
ever present

yet i need to unleash it
bit by bit safely
i need the someone that i can destroy
and love again

i know just the person but
i can't feel the anger
yet...

shivering...

i've been feeling cold all day
and shivering
my hands under the blanket don't get warm
the slightest body movement brings its lot of tremor spreading from head to toe
there have been so many today that there's like a gentle vibration inside
very pleasant around my heart and all over my tommy

is my body temperature dropping from outside in?
is my body temperature rising from frozen creating ripples, inside out?

does anyone know what shivering might represent symbolically (not medically...) ?

cycles

squeezed between
tears
and
laughs

swinging between
music
and
silence

begging for
no
words

terrified by
new
openings

no more
inscape

out
it
must
be

today
tomorrow or
the
day
after