sexuality

up the legs
through the pelvis and the hips
first implosion

turning inside to the belly
past the diaphragm
moving on to the heart
second implosion

entering the lungs
swelling the breasts
pushing back the shoulders
and up to the head
third implosion

anticipation
imagination
expectation
blessing

gratefulness
nervousness
lightness
joy

creativity
sensuality
sexuality
life

Agression cont'ed

exhaustion
not because I don't sleep enough
nor because my days fill up quickly

numbness
this shadow of stillness I know only too well
i dive escape and finally drown

victimisation
as i dare not look at others in the eye
and have given myself away

possessed
as i think highly of myself
and so should everyone else!

close the taps
stop the leaks
open the doors
ask for help
stand in the storms
expect the unexpected
stay in darkness as long as needed
welcome the many deaths
recognise the births

allow the rising agression
even (particularly if) in sexual energy form
...

exhaustion can go
numbness becomes still
victim turns to spiritual warrior
possessed gets no more hook

les entrailles de la vie

elle monte par vague

enveloppe tout de son épais manteau
fait fi de toute aspérité avec facilité
s'infiltre dans la moindre fissure
rien ne l'arrête
les barrages vieillissent
les portes s'entr'ouvrent
elle pénêtre puis s'évade
m'emportant avec elle
dans des méandres souterrains
inconnus et sombres
sans interrupteur ni bougie


l'électricité est palpable
glissant d'un pôle à l'autre
je découvre un compagnon
ou non
je suis enterrée et vivante
le reste du monde disparaît
pendant que je recharge mes batteries
écartelée par cette énergie
que l'on n'ose pas nommer
qu'il se faut d'oublier et d'enfermer

sexualité

Agression

anger, energy, drive, desire, determination, motivation...

I can't come to term with mine and so
I see it in others
I flee when it's sent back at me
time and again I have escaped
time and again I've come into hiding

tonight
these simple words punched me in the chest
sheared across by a sharp blade
lungs collapsed

been awaken brutally
to a truth
lying just below the surface that
I didn't want to face

Zeigeist

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com

Have you seen it?

I thought of Jung's words "if you want to change the world, change yourself". I'm working on that, learning to take responsability for my thoughts, actions, beliefs, emotions... and learning to reconcile and relate with all beings of the universe...

Il n'y a malheureusement pas de sous-titres français pour ce film (pour l'instant?)...

This is love:
to fly toward a secret sky,
to cause a hundred veils
to fall each moment.
First, to let go of life.
Finally, to take a step
without feet.

Rumi

rugby world cup 2007

Yeeeesssss........
I know it's not fair play, but I'm pleased England lost tonight in the final against South Africa.

Because I wanted SA to win - it means so much to this country the guys in the pub were crying...
Because to my opinoin they can't play attractive rugby.
Because they prevent other teams to play attractive rugby.
Because however good Wilko is (and he is) he can't make the whole team on his own.
Because I still haven't gone over France being beaten last week (and again last night as a matter of fact against Argentina...)
Because when England win it's not only about them being happy about it
Because it is also (mostly?) about them denigrating the opposition

I'm happy SA won tonight.
Good for them.
Good for rugby.

I wish

I wish he'd be here holding me tight
"everything's fine sweety"
He's gone and I feel sad
He's gone and maybe that's better

I wish not for him really
but want to be in love
I thought we held something warm together
He's gone and maybe that's beter

I wish it didn't hurt
because he needs to grow up
Somewhere I had secret plans
He's gone and maybe that's better

I wish the pain was not that bad
the alcohol's opened my old wound
why I am trying to convince myself that he's gone and
Maybe that's better...

Apprivoiser

J'ai déjà parlé (peut-être pas en français) du vrai défi qui me dévisage de faire de cet appartement mon chez moi. Mais ça vient, doucement. Tout doucement. Je pensais prendre le taureau par les cornes et m'installer en moins temps qu'il faut pour le dire. Rien ne se passe comme prévu et j'apprivoise l'espace par petits bouts - un coin du jardin où j'ai planté des bulbes de jonquilles, ma chambre maintenant peinte, une statue de Shiva dansant devant la fenêtre...

et aujourd'hui une table et 4 chaises en chêne. J'étais tombé en arrêt devant, tout comme une table basse qui est arrivée en même temps. Cet après-midi, 7 grandes planches de chêne massif avec lesquelles je vais faire des étagères. Je ne sais pas encore comment, car elle font près de 3cm d'épaisseur et 60cm de large... la prochaine étape est donc de trouver quelqu'un qui ait les outils et les compétences pour découper ces planches dans la longueur!! Mais tout comme les tables et chaises, quand j'ai découvert ces planches, j'ai su de suite que rien d'autre ne ferait l'affaire!

Je sens que j'ai vraiment besoin de chaleur et de vie pour être bien chez moi. Couleurs chaudes et lumineuses, tapis en laine (pas encore trouvé), bois massif encore vivant, capable de me parler et que je devrai caresser et nourrir de temps en temps...

abandonment

not talking about sport there as in sport, sometimes you've got to throw the towel. But the opponent "being abandoned" might not be delighted but at least happy to go through without a fight...

referring to life and not talking about the one giving up there but rather the one being abandoned and like in sport it can be that one who makes the next grade up. the one who gives up has to start it all over again it is like a failed attempt and each steps need to be climbed again.

I felt ready and find it difficult to accept that P. was not.

The positive thing is that I did all I could, I was myself, I opened my heart and gave what I could, what I was. He did give sometimes but in the end preferred to give up. It didn't work out.

The difficult thing now is to not close myself and my heart in a kind of "see, there's no point to open up as it doesn't help and it hurts more when it doesn't work". The pain throws me back in an ancient wound that I do not want to revisit but maybe the time is ripe for it whether I want it or not, whether I feel ready or not. something tells me I am ready.

whether it'll be another storm, another freak wave, I feel rooted and connected, I feel there is space within to live through and observe at the same time. I feel there is an invitation to step through the next level of the game - one I've never been before. it is just there, reachable but I'm not sure what the rules are. maybe I don't need to know them as there is someone to help me at the gate - I "just" need to trust her. my intention is to put my trust in her as she knows how.

Clairon et Clairette sont dans un bateau, il pousse les deux à l'eau...

Clairon pleure
Clairette est dans une colère noire
Clairon a vraiment peur
Clairette ne veut pas le savoir

Puis la musique s'enroule autour de leurs corps

Clairon refuse que ça passe
Clairette lui en veut à vie, à mort, à mer
Clairon garde la tête basse
Clairette est entrée en guerre

Puis les notes s'égrennent dans leurs coeurs

Clairon se laisse amadouer
Clairette le previent, "fais tes prières"

Puis le rythme roule et redouble

Clairon se fait oublier
Clairette n'en a que faire
Puis les basses et les aigus viennent frapper plus fort

Clairon et ses larmes ont disparu
Clairette et ses menaces ne sont plus

Puis c'est tout l'orchestre qui donne le tempo
d'une mélodie qui vient caresser un coeur nouveau
Vivant sur un rythme encore inconnu

à vif

mon coeur est
à vif
en offrande
brûlé
transpercé
de part en part

il en coule
plus que du sang
plus que des larmes
du changement
j'ai peur

bye-bye les bleus

I've rarely been so disappointed with a lost rugby game.. frustrated, angry, sorry, but rarely disappointed.

I'm far from being an expert but I do know the rules and understan what's going on on the pitch and here, tonight, I thought France didn't play enough their own game. Maybe England prevented them to do so - that's where my expertise stops... Then w started to play more of their game in the second half, and sure enough they were better than us at it, and put us under great pressure.

So when the one mistake cost us the game, it is heart breaking.

It is even worse against Egland. Not because it is England and I'm French. No. Because as an outsider, I'm sure the game was rather boring. England has a kicking game that is not attractive but boringly efficient and tonight it showed. Again.

silence

not that it is how I feel these days... silence on the world wide web for me for the last three days though. not a word either written or read on anyone else's journey... an eternity!

the thickness of my own journey these days is such that I can't seem to find the words to explain it or share it. Every single details seems of the utmost importance so how on Earth could I share them all? Each day is a revolution in itself, a new discovery (when not more than one), a learning curve, a real excitment mixed up with fear/terror sometimes...

good night/good day, depending on where you are on Mother Earth.

blessings to all and each of you

growing up is dying a little

it's been a week of ups and downs, not too high up and never really deep down but exhausting noneless.

Yet when I'm asked "how are you?" or "how's life treating you?" I don't really know how to answer that. I don't have words. I'm kind of mixed up, confused. A voice within, I believe she's Clairette, is joyful and thankful for all the changes of the last 3 weeks and is basically happy. Another feels like weeping (Clairon!) and makes my heart sink as if a victim of what is happening and in need of help and support. I oscillate between those two (and there might be more, too) and I know that neither of them is right. It doesn't sound like the truth in either case. So what???

I want answers, NOW!!! (Clairon)
Or do I? (Clairette)

I've played Clairon for most of my life and Clairette has only come in very recently. Have I already outgrown the character? What/who is going to come next? I don't know and I don't know how long it will take before i do.

tonight I feel that I may be losing control on "how I want my life to be run". I do not claim that I know the answers because clearly I don't. I accept that others have different opinions and priorities and that it doesn't necessarily serve me. Interestingly it doesn't necessarily desserve me either. I see that I can be patient, present, paying attention to the now... not always so easy to live, though

Still, I've had this week the nicest dream I've ever had since I started recording them night after night for the last 5 years. Peace, freedom, fertile field... there is some positive in the "confusion"

Allez les bleus!!

Beating the kiwis at rugby tonight felt like winning the final and be world champions... except that there are another two games to go before that, maybe...


But what a game!! my friend text me all the way from NZ saying there's going to be a day of mourning down under... Had we lost again this team of amazing strength, quality and above all playing beautiful rugby, I'd still have been ok. France had scored a try (the second was the winning one) and had certainly not looked out of depth!

Thanks to those guys who works their socks off on the pitch, believed in themselves when most of us didn't and pulled up a fantastic performance on the day. Let's hope they do the same against England next week to erase a sad memory of being beaten last time around in a wet and windy day, also in the semis...

Allez les bleus!

à moi...

une chambre, un salon, une cuisine et une salle de bain minuscule... et voilà, je viens de vous faire visiter mon nouveau chez moi. Mon chez moi, à moi...

j'y ai déposé mes cartons il y a maintenant 3 semaines, et ce n'est qu'hier que j'ai commencé à vouloir en faire mon chez moi, à moi...

Cet appartement, je l'ai voulu, j'en avais rêvé depuis longtemps, mais maintenant que c'est fait, je ne suis pas prête. Je dois des remerciements et une aide financière non négligeable à Mick et à mes parents, mais cet appartement m'appartient. à moi...

Ma vie en est toute chamboulée. Je me sens faire des bonds en avant ayant au préalable chaussé les bottes de sept lieux tout en étant tirée vers le passé, à revisiter des douleurs "ancestrales". Au milieu de cela, je ne peux être qu'un témoin et observer ce script sur lequel je n'ai pas la mainmise alors même qu'il s'agit de ma vie. à moi...



Quand je reste dans le présent les blessures du passé semblent bien lointaines et les peurs d'un avenir incertain n'ont pas de prises. Alors je m'appartiens, à moi...

Une paix intérieure s'installe, mon coeur s'emplit d'amour que je peux donner autour de moi consciemment. On me l'a dit maintes et maintes fois, j'ai un coeur gros comme ça. Et ce coeur, il est à moi...

Aimer et être aimée

Le temps est venu...
... de reconnaître et d'accepter l'amour que l'on m'a donné et que l'on me donne plutôt que de me lamenter sur l'amour ideal que j'aurais voulu recevoir

It is now time...
... to look at the love I received rather than go on and on about the one - the ideal one - that I wasn't given and that I thought I deserved

Le temps est venu...
... d'apprendre a aimer de façon consciente et de stopper mes extraordinaires réserves de se vider en raison d'une fuite

It is now time...
... to send love and compassion consciously rather than let my great reserves depleting unconsciously as if unaware of a leak

another Monday
another dance
another edge
another discovery

new steps
new flowing
new breathing
new opening

send blessings
give thanks
receive love
heal the hearts