merci bon'-mam'

L'année avant la mort de Bonne-maman, j'avais le coeur serré chaque fois que je la quittais : "est-ce la dernière fois ?", "la reverrais-je ?" Et le miracle se reproduisait encore, et encore, et encore quand je prenais le temps de passer à Paris. Puis elle a finalement quitté ce monde humain et du visible début décembre. Mes larmes coulaient à flots sur mes joues chaudes et laissaient des cratères de sel le long des aisselles du nez quand je me disais: : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Sur son lit, elle était petite, légèrement défigurée et son nez m'apparut immense dans son visage creusé mais paisible. Le personnel des pompes funèbres est arrivé pour l'installer dans son cerceuil. En quittant la chambre, les larmes coulaient quand je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Elle m'apparut encore plus petite et encore plus frêle dans cette boîte en beau bois clair, un linceul portant ses initiales, la dernière demeure d'un corps qui avait fini par abandonner après de longues années de bons et loyaux services. Lorsque le policier en civil a scellé le cercueil, les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

C'est honorée et aimée qu'elle entra dans l'église, portée sur les épaules fortes de ses fils et beaux-fils et les larmes de l'assemblée. Elle avait elle-même choisi les textes pour son propre départ, espérant sans doute qu'ils l'aident à s'envoler vraiment, à libérer son âme de cette réalité terrestre transitoire. On a ri d'entendre les souvenirs de ses enfants et petits-enfants, tous faisant allusion à la boîte à gâteaux et à bonbons de l'armoire du salon. Puis elle repartit dans l'autre sens, vers son dernier voyage, et les larmes coulaient et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Le soleil chaud du mois de décembre était présent à Port-Blanc pour l'inhumation. La descente du cercueil dans le caveau, où elle rejoignait son mari parti 10 ans plus tôt, a fait coulé les larmes et je me disais : "cette fois c'est fini, c'était la dernière fois".

Puis je suis allée me tremper et libérer mes poumons dans cette eau bretonne tant aimée. Ma tante M. m'a dit "ca ressemble à un baptême"... Ah, oui, tiens, je n'y avais pas pensé. Aujourd'hui, avec le recul, j'y vois non seulement un baptême, mais aussi une naissance. Le jour où bon'-mam' a été mise en terre est le jour où ma vie a été transformée. Une vie nouvelle s'est dessinée devant moi.

Comme si un voile s'était déchiré, révélant une réalité jusqu'à présent cachée
J'ai accepté de grandir et d'être initiée, de m'aimer toute entière, enfin,
J'ai accepté l'immense pouvoir qui m'a été donné d'être femme, de le vivre, de le dire, de le danser,
Je franchis une nouvelle ligne de départ chaque jour un peu différente et un peu pareille.

Je ne me suis jamais sentie aussi vivante, vibrante, aimante, présente, patiente, attentive, sensible...

Is this love?

Finding the courage to be seen
Challenging the fear to be exposed
Allowing myself to be vulnerable

Finding the right name in my contacts
Pushing the green button
Stopping the time between each ring
Allowing my heart to skip a beat at the sound of that deep voice...

Is it?

"The dream is a little hidden door in the innermost and most secret recesses of the soul opening into that cosmic night which was psyche long before there was any ego-consciousness and which will remain psyche no matter how far our ego-consciousness extends."

Carl Jung

Narcissus

(Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio)

Like Narcissus
I kept leaning above the still, mirror-like waters
Like Narcissus
I kept trying to seduce the reflected image of myself
I was in love with this image
Except that I didn't recognise it as my own
And I saw it everywhere, in everyone

I have loved
many times and many people
Or did I?
Have I loved the reflected image of myself
many times and in many people.
It sounds more like it

At this very moment the time of
judgment has gone
shame is forgotten
guilt has dissolved
compassion has been born
Instead

Accepting that Other
Breathes
Hurts
Rejoices
Tires
In a word
Exists
NOT for me

Allowing that my heart
Loves Other
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites Other

Allowing that my heart
Receives love
Burns incandescent
Spreads the heat
Invites myself

Like Narcissus
I have kissed my lips and touched the truth
Unlike him though
Loving myself allows me to love Other
Freely

I'm living exciting times

stepping out and diving in
is the story of my life

different intensities keeping me here and there
various attractions taking me there and back
multiple forces throwing me in and out

i'm observing different centres, all part of me
the socially accepted
the terribly anxious
the excited longing
the peaceful and quiet
the warm loving
the sexually open
...

playing hide and seek
I get lost
before
I find a new yet unknown centre

story of little clairem

Tonight and most of today, "I" has been a worthless and anxious little claire, feeling abandoned, longing for an answer that is not coming and making up all kind of stories, postponing deadlines to give him one more chance and try to find some peace. The fact that I am checking hopelessly my inbox every 3 seconds prevents any kind of peace to settle though..

Yet there are moments when I can centre myself, remain with little claire and love her, reassure her and make her feel how worthy and loveable she is. It lasts the time it lasts, usually not very long and it is an ongoing and endless process. Or so it feels... Yet after a whole day and a long evening at home (been back since 5pm) I feel that "I" is changing. Little claire is still very close by but she's no longer my omnipresent centre. As if the love had been enough - for this time - and she could accept to grow, come out of under a dark, wet blanket of shame (= I cannot be loved) and finally separate the longing and the anxiety...

I still want to see him but I don't feel crushed by an overwhelming need to know what's going on in his head. At the moment it's more like "i'm looking forward to hearing from him" than "i can't wait and this silence is killing me"

power of dreams...

I woke up this morning with the strong intention - planned - to get up a little early and meditate for 15 minutes or so before heading off to work. As I threw my feet then legs out of the warm sheets and sat on the side of my bed, head in hands, I suddenly had this flash in my head of an elusive dream I had just had.

feeling of warmth in the air, as if summer, a few people/friends (?) standing having a drink and a good time when I see my boss in shorts and bare-chested with a beer in his hand, having a laugh and being very relaxed with everyone, part of the group I think. It is a bit of a shock!

I felt good each time I remembered this image. It allowed me to be excited again about tomorrow evening, to go dancing tonight and be carried by my dance and to come back home and feel good. As if a missing bit had just come back to me to help complete the giant jigsaw puzzle...

a random winter sunday

beautiful winter day
cold and sunny
sunny and cold

people were out, on their feet, their bikes, on their prams, with sticks... some running, ipod strapped on their arm, change in their pockets, praparing for the London Marathon? Definitely some seemed to NOT enjoy the experience.

I was out. not where i'd planned, but still along the water. and the tide of the great river thames. It was a lovely day and I made the most of it. Yet I can't say I had a lovely day... was I going out to enjoy myself? to escape from my computer and the phone? was I expecting a call that never came? and so I went, whatever the reason(s). I am pleased I went. But I was not fully present to the moment. at least most of the time.

neither here nor there
i don't know what to do with myself
and so i observe
at least I try
but i never really know which "I" is talking, being the observer, feeling the feelings...
I feel exhausted just trying to get the full/clear picture...

more questions than answers...

I feel very lost yet I know deep down that the path is taking me somewhere still unknown... and I feel that ultimately I am safe, because I know there will be pitfalls...

does it make sense? does it matter if it does (or not)?

I go about with some short moments of crystal clear clarity lost into long periods of dense fog. Exhaustion is not long to show up when I fight to find my way through it and then I sit down and want to give it all up (on the surface at least)... I know it's not the way to go about it yet I still do

I feel mutiple
there's no unity
not knowing how to relate
acting one way one day
compensating and overreacting the next
it's all coming at me
i've no control

who am I?

self-congratulation

i can keep my own secrets
i am keeping a big one
i am patting myself on the back

things need nurturing before they can get born healthy
if they're out before their time, it's like an abortion
keeping them in feels empowering

i feel worthy
"well done clairem"

les jours s'enchaînent et ne se ressemblent pas...

sur le toit du monde
de mon monde
pas dans les étoiles
ni au septième ciel
les pieds bien sur terre
ancrés
dans la clarté absolue
d'un paysage lavé
d'un coeur grand ouvert
sûr et confiant

merci

Plus rien qui marche

Une pièce finie
Coup de blues
Sorti de nulle part
Disparaître
Eteindre ce coeur incandescent qui se consumme
Rien qui marche

Tristesse
Peur
Colère
Entremêlées
Les vieilles échappatoires sont toutes usées
Rien qui marche

Barrage
Bâtisse
Château-fort
Vite fait, bien fait
Je tente en vain d'en reconstruire les hauts murs
Rien qui marche

Larmes
Hoquets
Caresses Inattendues et bienvenues
Les fondations se dissolvent
Plus rien qui marche

2 smiles tonight

home on a friday evening with no plans except rest and laze around...

then a phone call from my friend I. who'd said he had plans elsewhere... "I don't feel like going, do you want to go for a drink?" This is so rare in London to actually feel like going out when i've already come home... but yes, I do feel like having a chat with him.

I start my dinner when msn calls me. My friend T. just passing by and wishing me a good evening (and more) while on his way out elsewhere, too... Very sweet!

I feel blessed to have these friends

Good evening to everyone!