Sunday rain, rain, rain.. more rain still and there's no stopping it. That's been the story of the day, half way though the Bank Holiday Monday. Somehow I love it. The same way I love it when it's sunny or warm or windy or cold. I just take it as it comes.
But today there is an extra-something to this rain. I'm going tomorrow to a week-long 5Rhythms workshop and I feel that the ground and the Earth are being softened by this blessed water and that more life will come as a result of it. More life through the ground but also more life though my body. I don't know yet what, how, when but I feel it grow inside and gather strength to push out and be seen eventually.
I'll keep all my senses in full alert and welcome every single new shoot.
27 May 2007
21 May 2007
La tête à l'envers
La tête à l'envers
De l'autre côté de la misère
Quittant la Terre
Pour voler tout en haut comme les oiseaux
En plein air
Les yeux clos
Vers la lumière
D'un nouvel univers
La tête à l'envers
De l'autre côté de la poussière
L'air est bon
Pour respirer à plein poumons
' Y a rien à faire
J' f'rai pas marche arrière
J'ai b'soin d' ce grand air
Qu'on trouve pas sur la Terre
Le coeur enfin à l'endroit
On a toujours l'choix
Et j'ai décidé de plus vivre ni à moitié
Ni à côté
L'herbe est plus verte chez moi
J'ai trouvé la foi
La Vie m'attend
Elle est là
De l'autre côté de la misère
Quittant la Terre
Pour voler tout en haut comme les oiseaux
En plein air
Les yeux clos
Vers la lumière
D'un nouvel univers
La tête à l'envers
De l'autre côté de la poussière
L'air est bon
Pour respirer à plein poumons
' Y a rien à faire
J' f'rai pas marche arrière
J'ai b'soin d' ce grand air
Qu'on trouve pas sur la Terre
Le coeur enfin à l'endroit
On a toujours l'choix
Et j'ai décidé de plus vivre ni à moitié
Ni à côté
L'herbe est plus verte chez moi
J'ai trouvé la foi
La Vie m'attend
Elle est là
14 May 2007
Awesome Anger
How could I ever thank Camilo enough for having talked to me about 5 Rhythms? How could I ever thank myself enough for having made the leap of faith? To put it in just one word, this practice is magical. At least it is for me...
In the last six months or so, chaos often became a battle that I always lost before I even got into it. Losing the plot, screaming, feeling exhaustion creeping in, lack of air reaching my lungs, and stiffness around my liver... I used to be happy with that as I was letting my rage out, at long last. But my entrance into lyrical would be chaotic, to say the least and most often some tears would find their way up... then down the floor!! In some classes I got more water pouring out that even Niagara falls.
Last week changed radically. My anger, agression and rage came out as per usual but somehow they were feeding me with energy rather than sucking it out. The passage to lyrical made the tears come up but this time, before they even left my heart, I refused to surrender, "No clairem, there's nothing to be ashamed of, I've got the right to be angry and agressive, I've got the right to own my anger and nothing bad will happen to me"...
Tonight, I came to the class anxious and upset and I couldn't be bothered to make an effort. Maybe I shouldn't say it that way. I couldn't push away all the anxiety that was playing up in my mind. I didn't like the music that Cathy put on, other dancers were too much of this and not enough of that.... when she said "take a partner", I thought, "Oh noooooo, that's the icing on the cake!" I really had to kick my arse again and again and again to make sure I was present to the man I was dancing with! And suddenly the dam cracked, the anger push through and with it all the repressed energy I had no access to until then!! It's like surfing the wave or falling into it. One feels fantastic and the other dreadful but if one's focused enough, then one can get the better of it even from the darkest situation.
In the last six months or so, chaos often became a battle that I always lost before I even got into it. Losing the plot, screaming, feeling exhaustion creeping in, lack of air reaching my lungs, and stiffness around my liver... I used to be happy with that as I was letting my rage out, at long last. But my entrance into lyrical would be chaotic, to say the least and most often some tears would find their way up... then down the floor!! In some classes I got more water pouring out that even Niagara falls.
Last week changed radically. My anger, agression and rage came out as per usual but somehow they were feeding me with energy rather than sucking it out. The passage to lyrical made the tears come up but this time, before they even left my heart, I refused to surrender, "No clairem, there's nothing to be ashamed of, I've got the right to be angry and agressive, I've got the right to own my anger and nothing bad will happen to me"...
Tonight, I came to the class anxious and upset and I couldn't be bothered to make an effort. Maybe I shouldn't say it that way. I couldn't push away all the anxiety that was playing up in my mind. I didn't like the music that Cathy put on, other dancers were too much of this and not enough of that.... when she said "take a partner", I thought, "Oh noooooo, that's the icing on the cake!" I really had to kick my arse again and again and again to make sure I was present to the man I was dancing with! And suddenly the dam cracked, the anger push through and with it all the repressed energy I had no access to until then!! It's like surfing the wave or falling into it. One feels fantastic and the other dreadful but if one's focused enough, then one can get the better of it even from the darkest situation.
09 May 2007
The most beautiful discovery of all
"This dream is one of the BIG dreams I was talking to you about yesterday", he said, "and you've just discovered and tasted what it's like to be home. That's why you didn't want to come back".
These few words, not even intended to me, ran at great speed along the ear nerve all the way to my heart leading to an instant, dramatic rising tide and the overflow of tears running down my cheeks before crushing on the dry ground. Suddenly I just knew everything. My brain could not formulate words but my heart knew and my tears knew...
Most of my life, I've lost myself into a world of fantasy where my stories had no substance and no existence except in my mind... It has been the story of my life, my way to survive an ordinary reality in which I couldn't find my space.
But in the last few months, I've lost myself into women-only workshops: feeling incredibly safe, confident in groups of unknown women and trusting my own being... I have experienced in those days such blissful states that I never wanted to come back to the ordinary, every day reality. I've lost myself into darkness (Darkness Visible, 20/10/06, sorry I can't make a link to it...), touching such deep layers of who I am that I got burnt. Yet it also had been an awesome experience and I wanted to get back to it asap. I've lost myself into a one year introductory course in Jungian Analytical Psychology, genuinely fascinated by the mystery of the psyche and the unconscious.
Every time I lost myself without knowing I was coming home, my home, my core, my deep being, the real me. That is, until the few words stated above simultaneously clicked in my mind and my heart and I could not only comprehend but most importantly accept that I am a deeply spiritual person (please do not read religious instead of spiritual as the two words have complete different meanings). Being conscious of this simple yet crucial fact gave me an immediate inner peace, the feeling of worth and fullness and the knowledge that my place is both in the spiritual world and in the ordinary, everyday world of relationship... I could leave my substanceless fantasy world and tackle both world fully conscious.
How interesting and fascinating it is that my inner world and discoveries are mirrored synchronicitically in my outer reality (or is it the other way around)? I am finding my inner home and 10 days ago I made an offer on a flat which was accepted and all seems to go smoothly so far... I could own my first home ever in the next 6 to 8 weeks! I feel ready to embrace the ordinary reality that will never be entirely fulfilling but is nevertheless full of riches and two weeks ago I meet a man... after an awful long time!
Today I feel in love with both worlds and my heart feels so dense in my chest it needs to expand.
These few words, not even intended to me, ran at great speed along the ear nerve all the way to my heart leading to an instant, dramatic rising tide and the overflow of tears running down my cheeks before crushing on the dry ground. Suddenly I just knew everything. My brain could not formulate words but my heart knew and my tears knew...
Most of my life, I've lost myself into a world of fantasy where my stories had no substance and no existence except in my mind... It has been the story of my life, my way to survive an ordinary reality in which I couldn't find my space.
But in the last few months, I've lost myself into women-only workshops: feeling incredibly safe, confident in groups of unknown women and trusting my own being... I have experienced in those days such blissful states that I never wanted to come back to the ordinary, every day reality. I've lost myself into darkness (Darkness Visible, 20/10/06, sorry I can't make a link to it...), touching such deep layers of who I am that I got burnt. Yet it also had been an awesome experience and I wanted to get back to it asap. I've lost myself into a one year introductory course in Jungian Analytical Psychology, genuinely fascinated by the mystery of the psyche and the unconscious.
Every time I lost myself without knowing I was coming home, my home, my core, my deep being, the real me. That is, until the few words stated above simultaneously clicked in my mind and my heart and I could not only comprehend but most importantly accept that I am a deeply spiritual person (please do not read religious instead of spiritual as the two words have complete different meanings). Being conscious of this simple yet crucial fact gave me an immediate inner peace, the feeling of worth and fullness and the knowledge that my place is both in the spiritual world and in the ordinary, everyday world of relationship... I could leave my substanceless fantasy world and tackle both world fully conscious.
How interesting and fascinating it is that my inner world and discoveries are mirrored synchronicitically in my outer reality (or is it the other way around)? I am finding my inner home and 10 days ago I made an offer on a flat which was accepted and all seems to go smoothly so far... I could own my first home ever in the next 6 to 8 weeks! I feel ready to embrace the ordinary reality that will never be entirely fulfilling but is nevertheless full of riches and two weeks ago I meet a man... after an awful long time!
Today I feel in love with both worlds and my heart feels so dense in my chest it needs to expand.
03 May 2007
something of a crazy but amazing week
Well...
I've had no time whatsoever to even think about the blog this past week. So many changes, so much excitment, so many people to talk to and catch up with. And to be completely honnest right now, all I think of is go to bed and sleep...
Yet I want to share this excitment with the few of you visiting my blog, reading these words and sometimes leaving comments...
I've made an offer on a 1-bedroom flat . I called the estate agent on Monday at 9.30am as I felt torn all weekend after visiting it: it's great, but the kitchen is so small; maybe I can find something bigger; yes but my budget is tight; and the prices continue going up on a steep slope; and the England base rate is likely to go up, too; so the flat is great; and the garden is lovely and big; etc, etc. The agent tells me that the flat is still available and calls me back 1/2h later to tell me the vendor had accepted my offer. From then on, I felt like a little whirlwind all day, having to give phone calls, find a solicitor, talk to my mortgage broker, decide for the exact amount I want to borrow... My mind was racing but not getting anywhere! Fortunately some part of me was somehow still functioning and making things happen! pfff!
And so of course I had to celebrate on Monday night and went for dinner with my very good friend who had the great idea of calling me as I was leaving work. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat down on the Southbank with a glass of red wine, chatting away, until the Sun hid behind the buildings on the other side of the Thames and we went for dinner indoors.
After more admin stuff for the flat on Tuesday (didn't do much work those two days) then a visit at the Renoir Cinema, I found myself already well into the night with some prep work still to be done for a seminar on Wednesday afternoon. It was a very short night indeed! And so was Thursday night, as I met with THE man... Yes he had called me after the Brazilian night and yes we've met a few times since then. And so far so good! I think that's all I want to say about it at this stage...
And it is now time for bed, even though it is very early.
I've had no time whatsoever to even think about the blog this past week. So many changes, so much excitment, so many people to talk to and catch up with. And to be completely honnest right now, all I think of is go to bed and sleep...
Yet I want to share this excitment with the few of you visiting my blog, reading these words and sometimes leaving comments...
I've made an offer on a 1-bedroom flat . I called the estate agent on Monday at 9.30am as I felt torn all weekend after visiting it: it's great, but the kitchen is so small; maybe I can find something bigger; yes but my budget is tight; and the prices continue going up on a steep slope; and the England base rate is likely to go up, too; so the flat is great; and the garden is lovely and big; etc, etc. The agent tells me that the flat is still available and calls me back 1/2h later to tell me the vendor had accepted my offer. From then on, I felt like a little whirlwind all day, having to give phone calls, find a solicitor, talk to my mortgage broker, decide for the exact amount I want to borrow... My mind was racing but not getting anywhere! Fortunately some part of me was somehow still functioning and making things happen! pfff!
And so of course I had to celebrate on Monday night and went for dinner with my very good friend who had the great idea of calling me as I was leaving work. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat down on the Southbank with a glass of red wine, chatting away, until the Sun hid behind the buildings on the other side of the Thames and we went for dinner indoors.
After more admin stuff for the flat on Tuesday (didn't do much work those two days) then a visit at the Renoir Cinema, I found myself already well into the night with some prep work still to be done for a seminar on Wednesday afternoon. It was a very short night indeed! And so was Thursday night, as I met with THE man... Yes he had called me after the Brazilian night and yes we've met a few times since then. And so far so good! I think that's all I want to say about it at this stage...
And it is now time for bed, even though it is very early.
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