"This dream is one of the BIG dreams I was talking to you about yesterday", he said, "and you've just discovered and tasted what it's like to be home. That's why you didn't want to come back".
These few words, not even intended to me, ran at great speed along the ear nerve all the way to my heart leading to an instant, dramatic rising tide and the overflow of tears running down my cheeks before crushing on the dry ground. Suddenly I just knew everything. My brain could not formulate words but my heart knew and my tears knew...
Most of my life, I've lost myself into a world of fantasy where my stories had no substance and no existence except in my mind... It has been the story of my life, my way to survive an ordinary reality in which I couldn't find my space.
But in the last few months, I've lost myself into women-only workshops: feeling incredibly safe, confident in groups of unknown women and trusting my own being... I have experienced in those days such blissful states that I never wanted to come back to the ordinary, every day reality. I've lost myself into darkness (Darkness Visible, 20/10/06, sorry I can't make a link to it...), touching such deep layers of who I am that I got burnt. Yet it also had been an awesome experience and I wanted to get back to it asap. I've lost myself into a one year introductory course in Jungian Analytical Psychology, genuinely fascinated by the mystery of the psyche and the unconscious.
Every time I lost myself without knowing I was coming home, my home, my core, my deep being, the real me. That is, until the few words stated above simultaneously clicked in my mind and my heart and I could not only comprehend but most importantly accept that I am a deeply spiritual person (please do not read religious instead of spiritual as the two words have complete different meanings). Being conscious of this simple yet crucial fact gave me an immediate inner peace, the feeling of worth and fullness and the knowledge that my place is both in the spiritual world and in the ordinary, everyday world of relationship... I could leave my substanceless fantasy world and tackle both world fully conscious.
How interesting and fascinating it is that my inner world and discoveries are mirrored synchronicitically in my outer reality (or is it the other way around)? I am finding my inner home and 10 days ago I made an offer on a flat which was accepted and all seems to go smoothly so far... I could own my first home ever in the next 6 to 8 weeks! I feel ready to embrace the ordinary reality that will never be entirely fulfilling but is nevertheless full of riches and two weeks ago I meet a man... after an awful long time!
Today I feel in love with both worlds and my heart feels so dense in my chest it needs to expand.