one thing to remember

... at the time I identify with it and therefore it escapes me...

I've got two egos

The first I've always known, grew up with, and she determined until very recently who I thought I was. That ego is as rigid as a wall, hates grey areas, holds onto principles, juges with-in and with-out, justifies herself on all topics, needs to be right and heard and honoured and praised and loved at ALL times! She needs recognition, to be put up there as THE special one - pretty, witty, funny, tanned... - you name it and it must be acknowledged as the best. She is addicted to perfection and therefore the glass is always half empty. She can't accept recognition or love given to her because she feels that she doesn't desserve acknowledgment and if it is given, surely it must be out of pity. Not compassion. Because she would have done better, gone higher, run faster, if only X, Y or Z... And for these exact reasons, there is never enough recognition, acknowledgment, love, praise... Sadly, there's no way out and it's a lose-lose situation

The second is emerging and getting stronger, more present, centered, introverted (in Jungian terms, i.e. what is meaningful to her comes from within, as opposed to extraverted type for whom meaningfulness comes from without). More genuine, more feminine, more allowing, more confident, more trusting, she doesn't need to be control-freak or to receive constant reminders of her worth from without - she knows it from inside, there's no need for extra. Yet if these extras are coming her way, she welcomes them and lets them in. She doesn't feel the need to convince other that her opinion IS the right one and she doesn't take herself too seriously.

The struggle has started a while back now but only last weekend did I experience it full blast and only yesterday did I understand it. Dictator has gone to war but gets lost in the middle of a battle when her opponent doesn't show up or sends sweet wine, flowers or an apology card instead...

I know I'll get thrown back and forth from one to the other, again and again; I'll identify with one then the other, again and again... but I also know now that there will be moments, possibly more and more frequent and intense when somehow "I" will step back and be a spectator, or an investigator of what is happening inside me. These are exciting time (nb2) even if they sometimes feel overwhelmingly depressing as I look at the height of the mountain to climb (nb1)...