one thing to remember

... at the time I identify with it and therefore it escapes me...

I've got two egos

The first I've always known, grew up with, and she determined until very recently who I thought I was. That ego is as rigid as a wall, hates grey areas, holds onto principles, juges with-in and with-out, justifies herself on all topics, needs to be right and heard and honoured and praised and loved at ALL times! She needs recognition, to be put up there as THE special one - pretty, witty, funny, tanned... - you name it and it must be acknowledged as the best. She is addicted to perfection and therefore the glass is always half empty. She can't accept recognition or love given to her because she feels that she doesn't desserve acknowledgment and if it is given, surely it must be out of pity. Not compassion. Because she would have done better, gone higher, run faster, if only X, Y or Z... And for these exact reasons, there is never enough recognition, acknowledgment, love, praise... Sadly, there's no way out and it's a lose-lose situation

The second is emerging and getting stronger, more present, centered, introverted (in Jungian terms, i.e. what is meaningful to her comes from within, as opposed to extraverted type for whom meaningfulness comes from without). More genuine, more feminine, more allowing, more confident, more trusting, she doesn't need to be control-freak or to receive constant reminders of her worth from without - she knows it from inside, there's no need for extra. Yet if these extras are coming her way, she welcomes them and lets them in. She doesn't feel the need to convince other that her opinion IS the right one and she doesn't take herself too seriously.

The struggle has started a while back now but only last weekend did I experience it full blast and only yesterday did I understand it. Dictator has gone to war but gets lost in the middle of a battle when her opponent doesn't show up or sends sweet wine, flowers or an apology card instead...

I know I'll get thrown back and forth from one to the other, again and again; I'll identify with one then the other, again and again... but I also know now that there will be moments, possibly more and more frequent and intense when somehow "I" will step back and be a spectator, or an investigator of what is happening inside me. These are exciting time (nb2) even if they sometimes feel overwhelmingly depressing as I look at the height of the mountain to climb (nb1)...

like a wave coming and leaving on the shore
so is my heart being pushed against my back cold and burning simultaneously
so are my tears - coming in then leaving...

if I listen long enough
they talk to me about love
and I cry harder

separation is taking place
with the accompanying pain
and a nascent flavour of deep joy

I am terrified to love and be loved

good luck wishes...

it worked the first time around
it'll have taken an awful long time to happen again
but here i am and it will tonight

I'm very excited and nervous...

on my need to be mothered...

I generally approach new chosen situations with excitment - sometimes apprehension, too - and that "everything is going to change, life will be better, I can start again from scratch..." attitude!
But after a honeymoon period every single time things seem to settle into the old same way again and again. Of course it has nothing to do with me: "he's a arse, she's control freak, he checks on me, they're so stupid" and the list goes on seemingly endlessly... It often be black and white, no grey areas.

But things have been changing and I am currently observing myself coming out of a dense fog and taking responsibility for myself and the relationships I develop with others. I observe how i get angry, frustrated, resentful, absent minded, sad, scared... and relating this to a deep need to be mothered by these others. When they do they're my best friends, when they don't they're the worst people in the world.

i now wear a wristband, as a reminder "claire you can mother and love yourself". So when I see it, when I feel it or play with it I give myself a pat on the back of the hand or a gentle stroke on the cheek, or a lean back on my chair at work, close my eyes and breathe in deeply... when it is genuine, i feel instantly good about myself and others!

I felt let down this weekend and it hurt. My intellect was making excuses at the person who let me down (and I still think she had good reasons) but my heart hurt, my stomach was tense and my tears didn't lie... Still I wanted to let the pain be, to remain in it, to acknowledge it and honour it because it was real, whatever the reasons... It did work at times and I believe these moments were the best presents I could give myself: attention, respect for the feelings emerging, gentleness, care, silence, love...

... de moi à vous à moi...

je savais que je n'aimais pas les conflits...
je savais que je n'aimais pas les explications brutes, sans que des pincettes ne soient prises et des "je suis désolée..." ne soient prononcés...
Je savais que j'avais peur des rencontres, car elles peuvent mener - et mènent forcément, à un point donné - à des opinions et des conflits ayant besoin d'être exprimés...

depuis quelques semaines, quelques mois, ou quelques années
les présences de chacun s'intensifiaient
ces rencontres se faisaient plus fréquentes - à deux ou à sept -
certaines plus que d'autres
ne se rencontrant pas forcément car déphasées

des choses sont en train de s'écrire, de se dire
de l'un aux autres, de l'autre aux uns
des étincelles et des feux d'artifices pour Clairette
des braises incandescentes trop chaudes pour Clairon

Clairon qui ne veut rien entendre
persil dans les oreilles et peaux de sauc' devant les yeux
réclame le status quo - celui d'hier, pas d'aujourd'hui
"on va tous être d'accord, pas la peine de s'engueuler"
des larmes de désespoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et je veux que vous m'aimiez comme j'en ai besoin - ne changeons rien"

Clairette qui est prête à grandir
se réjouit que certains silences s'achèvent
et que les graines soient plantées au moment des grands froids hivernaux
"on va pouvoir grandir ensemble, c'est chouette"
des larmes d'espoir coulent sur ses joues en disant
"je vous aime et j'accepte nos différences - parlons-en, échangeons"

pride...

did i put it on like a fancy dress that fitted so well that I never wanted to take it off? what's been hiding behind and who's been protected (and jailed) behind those bars? What do those bars look like?
some cracks have appeared today.
things happen without me planning them.
more tears coming up.
i don't hear what they're saying just yet: because I'm not listening or because it's an unknown language? or both?

learning to be loved...

it feels good to meet, to really meet someone. It feels even better when that someone is a close and "loved" one as we commonly say.

So why does it bring tears?
What is the expansion and constriction that my heart feels?
Why is it so difficult to accept to be loved and let it in?
Why do I need to justify my existance every so often? "I am here... this is who I am... I have principles... this is what I think and I want to convince you... I am right, always or I get angry..."
Why is it so hard to breathe in the belly, relax the jaw and let the Earth carry my weight?

I do know some answers to these questions and yet I sometimes can't live them consciously... But I am grateful that some days as I note that I have gone into automatic mode (going fast, justifying my existance...) I am able to be gentle with myself and come back to the feminine within - allowing... This bring tears and inner peace.

These days, I know I've got a massive challenge in front of me. I feel the weight of it and I feel it bring me down from time to time. I don't know if I'll go through this time. But I'm confident that if it's not for this spiral of life it'll be for the next or the one after that...

more ah-has...

Another Monday night... Another dance... Another experience...

I am sooo grateful to my psycho-analyst for having "introduced" me in the world of 5Rhythms... he talked to me twice about it a few months apart. I hadn't heard it the first time an I decided to try it the second. I had to gather all the strength and courage that I had scattered all around the place for years and make my way to the other side of town on a Saturday night - and gosh, London is a big town!!! I'll always remember that first look into a large room, not many people yet as I was early and the anxiety locked into my stomach. It was 2 and a half years ago. And I'm still going every single week...

Tonight was the first time of 2008 in my regular Monday evening class (I'd gone on New year's day to another class) and the first time in a long while, too.

I enjoyed my dance for a while, warm-up was great then came the body parts... As surprising as could be, my lightness transformed in a split second into a heavy weight on my shoulders as I felt drawn to the floor... I lied down on my front on a cold wooden floor and immediately thanked the earth for holding my weight, for giving me energy and for allowing me to trust again in my own femininity.

Ah-ha!!! That's it! The feminine energy within was missing...

Back in London for 9 days after having stayed 4 days in the middle of Switzerland and one week in the countryside where my parents live, somehow my life style in this city had already challenged my nascent femininity: tarmak everywhere, speeding, doing, underground, back at work, rational thinking, sales, money... all of these contributed for more or for less of the onslaught of the feminine within myself!!

I was cold and I liked the music. I wanted to stand up and move but the dancer within me was adamant, "keep to the floor", and so I stayed there. Flowing moved into Staccato and I thought that it'd be the right time to get up and move that overflowing masculine energy contained inside... I was very wrong. The dancer within kept saying "it's not time yet, keep to the floor". At that time I also began to feel very conscious and uncomfortable of how I moved... I could picture myself raising and lowering my buttocks as if masturbating. I guess the Earth had already started her job of giving me energy and trust because I consciously told myself again and again, "it's ok Claire, you are a sexual being, there's nothing to be ashamed of" and I allowed myself to carry on...
As chaos moved into the air, my dancer inside allowed me to eventually get up and dance. But my body started to shake uncontrollably up and down, back and front, side to side, from head to toe and shoulder to finger tip. It was broken, stopping, starting unlike the rhythm... As I allowed this happen and focused on my breathing ...

Ah-ha!!

The relationship between masculin and feminine within myself has angles, hidden areas big shadow... it is non-harmonious !! Yet, however unstable and difficult, the relationship was happening. Each side vibrating with the other. Their frequence would tune in only rarely but who cares? What mattered then was that both could meet, however badly or ugly at the moment! Beauty, harmony, tuning in will come with time and is a life long process. And it did actually happen for a minute or so... it became harmonious, uncontrolable, unstoppable. My breathing was in complete tune with the movements, the music, the other dancers, the room, all had gone for a few moments. Asi "woke up", I was overwhelmed by fear and felt an immense gratefulness for the experience.

Tonight, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel grateful, I feel open, I feel confident...

Here are my 21 gratitudes for today:

thanks to Gabrielle Roth for making the 5Rhythms
thanks to the 5 Rhythms for letting speak the body
thanks to the Earth for the trust
thanks to my feet for holding my weight
thanks to Boddhi for the class tonight
thanks to the circle of dancers
thanks to fire bringing light to the room
thanks to Clairette for having made me buy the tarot deck
thanks to Clairon for having let Claireet do so
thanks to C. for introducing me to the 5 Rhythms
thanks for the city of London which offers so much dance
thanks for the food leftover as I came back late
thanks to my work for providing me with enough money to dance
thanks for my flat where I do feel home
thanks to my heart for opening up
thanks for being able to love and be loved
thanks to my family members whom I am starting to meet
thanks for the coming winter so that the seeds can rest and get prepared
thanks for some recent meetings that bring some new into my life
thanks for the good night I'll have in a warm bed
thanks for this new year full of possibilities

conflicting emotions

A man I have met a few weeks ago and who I would like to already consider a friend happen to go through the pain and distress of accompanying his mum as she slowly dies ...

I wish I could relieve him of some of the pain yet I know I cannot and that it is not necessarily desirable either... I personally would have hated anyone trying to stop me feeling the pain of the death of my grand-mother or the tears that inondated my cheeks and came crashing onto my chest... so I will do my utmost to make sure I don't try to alleviate someone else's pain if I haven''t been asked explicitely.

Still Clairon feels powerless and sad not to be able or allowed to act as a sponge soaking up his distress so that he can be ok... And Clairette feels alive and pleased to live her own life and not someone else's... somewhere in the middle I feel an immense compassion

grandir... c'est dur mais c'est chouette!

Après un déclic qui m’a permis de trouver l’énergie nécessaire à la construction de mes étagères de rêves – et le plus beau c’est qu’après construction, elles y ressemblent presque !!!! – j’ai commencé à me sentir chez moi. Un chez moi devenu un peu plus spacieux à la suite du processus d’éventration systématique des cartons de bouquins qui gisaient au milieu du « salon », à moitié morts depuis la mi-septembre…

Et puis, tout comme « l’argent appelle l’argent », j’ai réalisé que l’espace doit appeler l’espace… Du salon, je suis passée à la chambre et ai fait le tri de mes fringues. Trois tas : à donner, à jeter, à garder… En quelques heures, je me suis sentie légère, légère, légère, tout comme le professeur Tournesol !

La suite j’en ai raconté un peu au fur et à mesure, mais pas beaucoup en français. Et la sémantique change d’une langue à l’autre. Je ne dis pas les mêmes sentiments, j’insiste plus ou moins sur tel ou tel épisode d’une situation donnée… Le 6 décembre, bonne-maman a quitté ce monde, quitté ce corps frêle qui lui causait tellement de douleur et de tourments depuis quelques mois. Loin d’être une surprise, ce départ m’a tout de même été très douloureux physiquement. Mon corps et chacune de mes cellules ont dit leur douleur. Des moments d’extrême désespoir accompagnés de larmes de crocodiles se succédant à des moments de paix et de silence intérieur.

Au cours des quelques jours qui ont suivi, les moments familiaux de joies et de fête d’anniversaire se sont juxtaposés à ceux des adieux autour d’un corps inerte et rapetissé d’une grand-mère bien-aimée. J’ai trouvé le courage - insoupçonné ? - de demander le soutien dont j’avais besoin par mots à certains ou par gestes à d’autres, et j’ai eu la chance et le douloureux bonheur de découvrir qu’on me l’offrait très volontiers… Est-il donc si facile d’aimer et d’être aimé ? Suffit-il de demander ? J’ai su m’ouvrir un peu plus, m’exposer et montrer qui je suis avec le risque ou plutôt la peur - encore fortement ancrée (et encrée ?) dans une mémoire cellulaire, ancestrale ou autre - de me faire rejeter…

Ces quelques jours intenses en émotions ont été rapidement suivis des fêtes de Noël, et d’une semaine supplémentaire passée en France, en famille. J’ai découvert l’importance de la famille, j’ai ressenti le besoin d’être entourée et j’ai poussé encore un peu plus loin cette ouverture, « voilà qui je suis ». Je sens que son décès m’a poussé à grandir, d’un coup, sans prévenir. Et c’est bon.

Happy New Year/Bonne année

This is it! Cette fois, ça y est!
In London at least, we've left behind 2007, closed a new door then opened a new one and entered 2008. What it will bring or how it will bring it is open to speculation, questions, bets even for some...
Au moins à Londres, et à Paris une heure avant, on a laissée 2007 derrière nous, refermé gentillement la porte et ouverte une autre pour entrer de plein pied dans 2008. Ce qu'elle nous apportera, comment elle nous l'apportera reste encore un mystère ...

For now, as I'm preparing to go to bed soon, I want to say how grateful I am for the year just gone and I want to already say thank you for what will come my way in the next 12 months.
à l'heure qu'il est, alors que je ne vais pas tarter à aller me coucher, j'ai envie de dire ma gratitude pour cette année écoulée et je veux aussi dire merci pour tout ce que je erncontrerai sur mon chemin au cours des 12 prochains mois.

I wish you all the very best year, open to possibilities, to open eyes, ears, smells, tastes and touches, welcoming also the unexpected...
Je vous souhaite à tous et chacun la meilleure année, remplie de possibilités, en gardant les yeux, les oreilles, les narines, les papilles gustatives et le toucher ouverts pour souhaiter la bienvenue même à l'inattendu...