disabled

My unconscious told me via a dream that I am a young disabled girl that needs special hard shoes to help her fragile and thin legs carry her body. In the same dream, my younger sister is helping open the shoes while all I can do is cry over my grand-mother dying and wishing to see me...



Something happened on Friday. I believe several things happened and two of them are pretty clear in my mind. Delays of various sorts, all making me late for my appointments with my analyst, had been coming back on a regular basis. They coincided with his latest move and he came up with some interesting theory - the dynamic had changed and I am resistant to it...

I told P. that I liked him more and more but hadn't got any hidden agenda for us, that I didn't know what I wanted for my future. His reaction was, "good, because I don't know if I'll be here or back home"... that hurt more than I expected, more than I wanted.

I am not surprised that exhaustion hit me as soon as Saturday morning, yet not preventing me to go to my good friends' birthday party or to meet P. on Sunday evening for a couple of hours in a park on the other side of London. Today's dream, though, shows that it is not simple exhaustion. It is terror of being hurt (again?), the terrifying prospect of having to grow up, of having to put up these shoes that would carry my body so that eventually I would get stronger and not need help to walk. The dream shows that my sister, my helpful shadow, is ready for it while I'm still turned to the past and mourning the death of a needy mother figure. I feel guilty about turning away from the image of the grand-mother in need, yet it also feels to me that the future lies in nurturing the disabled young girl within...
(Of course, these are dream images, I very much like my grand-mother, who is in real life slowly going away from our world and I go and see her as often as I can)

I am taking my disabled young girl into my dance class tonight with the intention of supporting her for as long as needed... I'm scared and excited...

Exhaustion

Yes, it had to hit me eventually because I was living on adrenalin for the last two to three weeks. Not enough sleep and listening to neither my body nor my soul exhaustion caught up with me yesterday after a combination of circomstances gathered together.
Small disappointments and long term nagging anxieties that finally broke through to consciousness, coupled with a rare Saturday lie in and the beginning of my period has simply flatenned me out... I have had no choice than to look reality in the eyes and accept that I am running out of battery. And so after having felt hangovered all day yesterday I am currently feeling weak and feverish-like.

I guess I've got no other choice than listen to my body and take time to integrate the emotions that sprang up out in the open in the last two days.

excuses for not being faithful to my blog at the moment...

I've been away from my computer far too long... I miss writing what's going on in my life, and there's quite a bit happening... and positive things, too... Yet I can't seem to find any time for myself, any time to sit down and write...

But I've got two good excuses. Well, it's for you to judge... For one, my nephew of 17 has arrived in London 2 weeks ago today and we've spent quite a bit of time together. He's fun and friendly. He stays at mine for a month, was trying to look for a summer job and then started to enjoy his time in my flat on my computer chatting with his mates and following the Tour de France online (he's frustrated that it's not on tv in the UK!!). I've also tried to continue to have my own life. If I find it difficult, I'm working on it and it is actually a blessing that he's here... I would need more time and quietness to really untangle the feelings and make them flow in sentences on this screen, so t won't be for tonight, because - and that's my second excuse: I've started the last Harry Potter on Sunday night, and working full time, I tend to fill every spare minute to its reading...



As soon as it's over, I'll be back on a more regular basis.

New beginnings

It will have taken longer than expected but here I am translating the "recent" post "nouveau départ". No surprise there, everything takes longer than expected...

So much so that I needed over 350 hours of analytical psychotherapy, 700 hours of commuting to and from the analysis room, 200 hours of 5Rhythms ecstatic dance and meditation practice, a handful of retreats in complete darkness (Darkness visible) , shamanism, tantra, vipassana... and a total financial comitment that I've never even attempted to calculate, to feel and breathe the most ancient truths of all! Yet it felt entirely new to me... Have you ever read "the alchemist"??? That's how it feels today!

"My journey is neither a way to make me a better or the perfect person nor a process fasttracking me to a more restful place where I'd be done with it all"

I faced this truth, knew that there is no perfection and it was ok. I knew there is no such place and didn't fall apart. Quite the opposite!

I've got nothing to prove, I don't need to strive to be the best, the cleverest, the prettiest, the funniest, the most caring, the most daring or most reliable... What freedom to just be myself at any given time, always evolving, never the finished product! What delight to be allowed to make mistakes, to not be perfect! What satisfaction to write with a pencil and allow myself to erase and start again! What fun to feel I can surprise others!

Are you wondering where these new beginnings are coming from? There's not much of those so far... Well, there's nothing new withing myself either. I knew all this, in my head and I kept repeating all this to anyone willing to listen (and also those who were not...) I was convinced of all this so much so that others HAD TO be convinced, too... It's during the 701st hour on the tube that the truth hit me hard; it came and blew out the metal door that kept my heart in jail (but also safe from any risk of being hurt!). That was a few days ago and since then, the door has shut again. But this time, it is a friendly wooden door that protects not keeps in jail.

It feels that I am entering a new journey; I've turned the page and face a new blank chapter that will take me... where it will take me. I'll know the destination when I get there and then, I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I wish myself good luck.

14 juillet 2007

Je voudrais dire un grand merci à ma "vieille" copine Sandra (oups, elle va pas être très contente de cet adjectif...) car elle m'a donné l'occasion de passer mon premier 14 juillet en France depuis de longues années. En fait, elle est pas si vieille, mais on se connaît depuis 10 ans ! (on a fait le compte justement ce weekend). Alors merci Sandra d'avoir décidé de te marier et de fêter ton enterrement de vie de jeune fille à Lille un 14 juillet.

J'ai retrouvé un peu de la fibre qui fait de moi que je suis française. C'est en m'équarquillant les yeux pour y faire rentrer encore plus de belles couleurs sonores des fusées du feu d'artifice que j'ai soudain senti l'importance de fêter ce "Bastille Day" comme ils disent au Royaume-Uni. Ces longues années outre-Manche m'avait fait oublié que ce n'est pas simplement un jour férié dans le calendrier, mais bien une façon de célébrer la République.

Et un grand merci à Peggy pour l'organisation sans faute de ce weekend dépaysant et épuisant et qui m'aura permis de découvrir des artistes locaux qui montent. L'un, Romain Lefèvre, qui me semble (de ce Londres lointain) être bien dans la tendance et le style des chanteurs français trentenaires ayant explosé au cours des 5 ou 7 dernières années. Des rythmes simples, voire répétitifs, une guitare sèche, pas de frou-frou et des textes touchants et justes.




L'autre, un quinquette, "Swingin' partout", formée d'un violon, deux guitares, une contre-basse et une batterie. Infatigables, une présence, un swing, une virtuosité, une bonne humeur.... un seul mot : extraordinaire!! Je n'ai malheureusement pas réussi à trouver une vidéo du groupe...

Sans oublier la Deûle, la péniche, la guinguette de la marine, les quelques bières ch'ti, la boucherie... "engagez-vous rengagez-vous qu'ils disaient". Ce bar/boîte de nuit n'a pas fermé jusqu'au bout de la nuit. Il a fallu qu'on déclare forfait !!! à 6h30 du mat', histoire d'aller se masser les pieds, le dos, boire un coup d'eau, visiter le marché de Wazennes dès l'ouverture, sans oublier le petit déj' de rigueur avant d'aller s'allonger pour un repose bien mérité. Mais non, ce n'était pas fini puisque nous avons également eu droit au moule-frite de rigueur!

Demain j'ai pris ma journée pour récupérer...

New beginnings

My last post is in French as it is tha way it came out... Please bear with me as I feel that it needs translated. So it'll be done soon but not tonight!

Nouveau départ

Il aura fallu presque 350 heures d'analyse, près de 700 heures de transports en commun d'un bout à l'autre de la ville, 200 heures de méditation en mouvement (5Rhythms), une grosse poignée de retraites dans le noir complet pendant plusieurs jours, de chamanisme, de tantra, de méditation sans mouvement et dans le silence, et un budget total que je n'ai jamais cherché à connaître, pour me trouver nez-à-nez avec une vérité vieille comme le monde et pourtant entièrement nouvelle...

"Mon cheminement n'est ni un tremplin pour battre mes propres records et vaincre une barre toujours placée toujours plus haut, ni un simple moyen d'arriver quelque part (et tant qu'à faire le plus vite possible...), où que soit ce quelque part !"


J'ai touché du doigt que je n'arriverai jamais, sans pour autant me brûler. J'ai découvert qu'il n'y a pas de ligne d'arrivée, et cela ne m'a pas épuisée.

Bien au contraire ! Je n'ai rien à prouver, je n'ai pas à tenter d'être la meilleure, la plus rapide, la plus intelligente, la plus jolie, la plus drôle, la plus attentionnée... Quelle liberté de pouvoir juste être le moi en devenir, sans cesse en devenir, jamais complètement finie ! Quelle joie de pouvoir s'autoriser à faire des erreurs, à n'être pas parfaite ! Quel plaisir de pouvoir écrire au crayon, et de pouvoir gommer, effacer et tout recommencer ! Quelle légèreté de pouvoir surprendre !

Alors, oui, bien-sûr, vous vous demandez... Y a rien d'bien neuf dans tout ça, il est où ce nouveau départ ? Bien entendu, je savais tout cela, je le savais dans ma tête, et je le répétais à qui voulait l'entendre, j'en étais convaincue depuis bien longtemps et je tentais par tous les moyens de convaincre tous autour de moi. Mais c'est dans cette 701ème heure de métro londonien que cette vérité à finalement démonté la porte blindée derrière laquelle mon coeur était prisonier (mais aussi bien à l'abri de tout risque d'être malmené!) Et depuis, vous allez me demander? La porte s'est refermée, mais une porte de protection, pas une porte de prison.

Je démarre donc une nouvelle journée, m'engage sur une nouvelle page blanche pour un nouveau chapitre, qui me mènera... où il me mènera. Je le saurai quand j'y serai et alors je vous tiendrai au courant! Je me souhaite bon vent !

Tarot card

I wish I wrote more and yet, I've got no words these days. Do I find it frustrating? Yes in many ways because I've got so much to say, to cry, to shout, to murmur, to come out... But it also gives me time to do other things, like reading instead. At this time I've dived into "The last temptation" by Nikos Kazantzakis. Recommended reading, so much better than Scorsese's "Last temptation of Christ"!!

It also has given me time to find out which Tarot card I am which I discovered on Sarananda's blog, in a post called "You are the world". And so tonight, here I am:

The Hierophant
Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching. All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

Click here if you want to know for yourself