I can hardly begin to name or understand what happened today... or do I know but am too scared to contemplate?
After four and a bit years of a close yet rather peculiar relationship he shared with me some bits of his past and of himself. Yes he'd talked about his daughter every now and then but this was so different and this time it came up so unexpectedly! I feel very confused!! His story fits so well with mine... or rather with a story that I had made mine many moons ago even though it doesn't belong to me, with a story that I'm trying real hard to fight and give back to the world where it belongs!
What happened next is interesting, too. Two voices were arguing within me, you know the angel and the demon... The demon rejoiced and listened with immense care, drinking on every single detail and feeding on each spoken word. So much better than the best ever Christmas lunch!! He kept saying to me, "Listen Claire this guy is calling for help and I can make him happy; I love him, always have and I'd do anyth..." but he was being silenced with authority by the angel, "I'm NOT a good samaritan nor a celebrity, get me out of here!" As battle raged between the two of them I had gone to being a ball in a hard-fought table-tennis game. The two opponents desperately wanted to win, masking their shots until the very last moment, gentle touch, uplifted, smashed, crashing heavily, out!!!
That's when the tears began to run down my cheeks... before getting trapped into the thickly knitted black jumper I wore. They were tears of sorrow until... a smile grew on my face without warning and a genuine laughter burst out into the wide open space before me. They had turned to being tears of joy. And the cycle started again, grieving, then celebrating, then...
It doesn't make sense, does it? Yet I could feel my heart in unison with my tears and with the little angel and demon within. The burning sensation kept expanding regardless but the quality of the fire switched from an enclosed one of mourning for a cremation to a wild bonfire in a warm summer night (I'm sure I could even hear the songs and the accompanying guitar and smell the delicious BBQ)...
Finally some quiet time appeared behind the corner and I sent away both the angel and the demon because their home is not with me. All is left is the question, "why did he choose today to talk to me about himself?" I have no answer as yet but a pounding heart in my chest.
At least I know I'm alive!
clairem --- 9 Feb 2007