The death eater

I'm not sure if this a man or a woman even though I've practiced it often...
It recently shape-shifted from familiar faces to something on its own: a shape, a feeling, an attitude, a smell, without a voice yet very loud, without a face yet very ugly, without a body yet very much here... The deal was that I let it sneak in and use my body and my voice to gather energy in exchange of what I was protected. What from, you wonder? From the world out there, of course! The thing is I'm very grateful for what it's done over the years and I wouldn't be writing these few words together now without its help but it got used to being very powerful and is rather reluctant to step down a bit.

So what? It gets enraged and I need all my strength and wits to stand up and keep my energy for myself. When it still gets hold of me, I feel very lonely, sad and useless. It is then a matter of saying "no" to it and when I do mean this "No", it shrinks as by magik... But I must be on my guards as it is back again. I believe that I'm getting the most of it but progress doesn't follow a straight line, it's got so many shapes and disguises that it tricks me...

I'm learning all the time but I feel very tired. Yet I won't give up against this "soul eater".