Something happened on Friday. I believe several things happened and two of them are pretty clear in my mind. Delays of various sorts, all making me late for my appointments with my analyst, had been coming back on a regular basis. They coincided with his latest move and he came up with some interesting theory - the dynamic had changed and I am resistant to it...
I told P. that I liked him more and more but hadn't got any hidden agenda for us, that I didn't know what I wanted for my future. His reaction was, "good, because I don't know if I'll be here or back home"... that hurt more than I expected, more than I wanted.
I am not surprised that exhaustion hit me as soon as Saturday morning, yet not preventing me to go to my good friends' birthday party or to meet P. on Sunday evening for a couple of hours in a park on the other side of London. Today's dream, though, shows that it is not simple exhaustion. It is terror of being hurt (again?), the terrifying prospect of having to grow up, of having to put up these shoes that would carry my body so that eventually I would get stronger and not need help to walk. The dream shows that my sister, my helpful shadow, is ready for it while I'm still turned to the past and mourning the death of a needy mother figure. I feel guilty about turning away from the image of the grand-mother in need, yet it also feels to me that the future lies in nurturing the disabled young girl within...
(Of course, these are dream images, I very much like my grand-mother, who is in real life slowly going away from our world and I go and see her as often as I can)
I am taking my disabled young girl into my dance class tonight with the intention of supporting her for as long as needed... I'm scared and excited...
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