A sense of disbelief

I've heard some sad and shocking news yesterday. A friend from my early years in London called to say that a common friend had died a week before of a brain haemorrage. He was only 39 years old.

He was the other French person in the neuroscience lab when my English was more than limited. He was a nice bloke talking too much, showing off a bit too much. He was good at science and I believe he could have been excellent had he worked a little more. Yet he made it in a very competitive field, joining an excellent group in Stanford University, being offered a position in Toronto before moving back to Europe and Italy.

I had lost contact with him long ago but this news was a massive shock to me. It opened my eyes on the fact that I am coming to the age where these kinds of accidents are not unheard of. Suddenly I felt my age, together with a sense of unjustice. He was too young for this to happen! I feel deeply saddened and full of compassion for his widow staying behind, in pain.

Rest in peace JD wherever you are and whoever you're with. You weren't my best friend but our paths crossed for a few years and there'll always be memories of you in my heart.

Preparing for the storm

Yes, the forecast predicts a storm. The sky has already darkened, the wind is picking up speed, the first drops of rain have it hit my face as a warning, the clouds draw this letters in the sky: BE PREPARED

And so I am starting the preparation. Nothing about putting away items I love or those I'm attached to. I'm making preparation for myself without knowing what to do. I suppose I could keep safe and stay in, close the shutters and lock the doors until it has gone. But I have done that many times. And so I'll go out and feel the raw and forgotten elements and emotions.

No wellies
No waterproofs
I'll need to feel and accept its full strength, bend, hold on

Something tells me that I will come through more humble, more compassionate and more free

The blue child - l'enfant bleu

Vulnerable
but a voice within couldn't care less
actually, no, it's not true, the voice within cares so much
that it wants to spear me, destroy me...

Determined
but a hand takes the remote control and turns the TV on
the noise
makes the determination melt...

Brave
but terrified by the overwhelming feeling of guilt emerging
masking
the forbidden anger - not anger - underlying rage

Exhausted
but proud to have stood firm in the storm
yet knowing
that I'm only in the safety of its eye

slowly seems to be the hardest word...

(source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Snail-WA_edit02.jpg)


April and May have moved fast. Very fast. At least in some ways. But somehow life made sure that I slowed down, from running to slow motion to sometimes stop and contemplate. Turn around and watch if I've ever left something behind...

Most recently, today in fact, I started to ask questions about choices I've made in these last 2 months and a bit. In particular regarding the flat I'm buying... To recap quickly, I've made an offer on a one-bed flat in mid April that was immediately accepted. At the time, I thought, "cool, it's going to be quick"! The mortgage offer was at last finalised last week and I received all the paperwork at the weekend. I was really excited. After weeks of standstill, things were moving again and the solicitor was doing her part and exchange would happen "soon"... well not quite! I quickly realised, even knowing nothing about mortgages that the lender had given me a mortgage I did not want... I waited until this morning to call my mortgage broker (I couldn't possibly call him at the weekend, I'm too nice...) to learn 1. that he had been working all weekend and 2. that it was easy to swap for the one I wanted. Good day then, no?

Hang on here, the soap isn't finished. I'm sure even the worst TV soap wouldn't go down that road... but I got an email from my solicitor saying that there may be problems with the garden and the front porch that not only aren't on the lease but this latter doesn't even state that I have exclusive use of them. I must say, I don't really fancy coming back home to find half a dozen people having a drink at my front door - even if this is unlikely!

As I went to my dance class, I contemplated the idea that maybe all these obstacles were put in front of me to say "don't buy this flat" or that I was being tested. My good friend Cathy said, "Maybe you've got to really make your mind whether London/the UK is your place"... I thought that I'd had the answer for a few months already, and that it was YES.

In the dance, two things sprang to my mind. First that all these obstacles were there not to push me away and make me change my mind, but to slow me down and keep me grounded. "Your life is changing, but hey, clairem, keep it slow and take time to digest, process and enjoy!" Secondly, I'd been contemplating the idea of training as a massage therapist for a while now and the thought came up, "asking whether I can afford it is the wrong question. The question is, can I afford not to train?" and to this, the question was NO.

Slow down, slow down, breather and slow down...

new photos

The good thing about the stats (or should I say ONE of the good things about the stats) in Blogorama is that I've found out that quite a few people go and check my photos in flickr.

And because it's been a lovely rainy and rather cold weekend, I'm pleased to announce that I've uploaded some more!! You'll find some additional pictures from the North America-1995 trip and some from Bangkok and Cambodia, a 2-week trip as the UN had just entered the country in 1993. There are also a couple more on London.


Enjoy!

It's all about being seen...

When I first started my blog I didn't mind not having readers. It was about writing and "getting it out of my chest" sort of thing. But let's be honest: it is nice to have readers, comments, from those who just pass by and don't stay because it's not their cup of tea and from those who come back regularly because they find their bread and butter in our words...

So when I just find out about this viralink thing on A modern Goddess Online, I went to the creator's website to see how this thing works and I just loved Andy's "chemical structures" showing the growing networking... so I thought I'd give it a go. It's all about being seen and coming as close to the top of the page as possible!

Here are the instructions

Below is a matrix of 100 stars, I have already added a link to my blog onto one of the stars, all you need to do is copy and paste the grid into your blog and add your own link to one of the other spare stars, and tell others to do the same!

Viralink

********************
********************
********************
********************
********************

Next you need to tell others to do the same!

Still shaken

Something happened 2 days ago and I'm still wondering what to do about it... Rewind.

I received a short video on my personnal email at work and as it was funny and about rugby I forwarded it to two of my colleagues I know would enjoy it. A couple of minutes later, I jumped on my chair as one of them says, "that's your blog!". My heart skipped a beat then raced away to catch up with that missing one... I had forwarded the email quickly and left my signature at the bottom of it. And it includes my blog's link!

I was left speechless. It was so obvious that she offered not to look at it. A voice within was screaming, "don't, please don't and genuinely forget about it!" This place is very much my own private garden and I don't mind unknown people, invited friends and family reading my posts and discover who I am as I go along but not work colleagues, however close we can be. Somehow my reaction made me realise how much I hide all this from people at work and how much I put a mask on every morning when I pass the door...

I feel she could read me like an open book and I'm terrified that it could hit me back and I would get hurt. In a way I don't feel strong enough to show my inner life, I feel very tender inside and vulnerable and this is no time to being hurt. Yet this "mistake" happened and I can't help thinking that there might be a reason for it. Maybe I am ready to take the mask off for good? Right now I'm torn and we haven't come back to that subject. Do we need to? Do I need to know whether she reads me or not? I've got no idea... I guess I'll leave it at that for now, unless or until something else happened!!

Music day / fête de la musique

Today is the summer solstice, the longest time of daylight in the year, the start of a new season that will (hopefully) bear the fruits of all the transformations, hard work, emotions we went through and experienced over the previous spring season.

Does it really matter if it is warm and sunny outside as long as it is within allowing the fruits to ripen? Of course it'd be nicer to see blue skyes, to leave the jacket in the cupboard, to go home late in the evening and meet people having a chat on their doorstep rather than being locked in behind their doors...

Today was summer solstice and it was the third "fête de la musique" in London. A celebration as we enter summer. Born in 1982 in France, it has become increasingly popular and I've heard now exists in 43 countries. According to Wikipedia, New York City was having its first one today! Never too late to bring good things in the US, even if French!

I remember the ones in France many moons ago. Anyone and everyone out in all cities, towns or villages either listening or playing, singing or dancing or laughing, really celebrating summer and music. People would get their "reserved" area (on a first come first serve basis!) on a pavement, in the corner of a square and they would start playing. There was no rule, you just couldn't get it wrong. You'd hear the 5 years old child and 20m away a group of late teenagers playing hard-rock music; carry on walking to the next street and that would become a quatuor or a choir of gospels; stop for a while if you like it, move on when you've had enough or if your legs need exercice and you'll hear religious songs before the encounter with the most fashionable rapper you've ever seen in you rlife... and the list goes on until late during the night when small groups gather together, sit down, give cigarettes to each other and feel that really, that night was even better than all previous years put together! Of course, it'll be true next year, too... What beauty, hey!

This 3rd edition in London was my first and maybe because I didn't open my heart to it, I was disappointed. Everything was extremely well organised, marquees were put up, sound systems tested, programmes were followed to the minute, you knew exactly what to expect, even the lack of enthusiasm (at least where I was tonight...). I know things are become so huge in France that programmes are put out, too with big names and professionals, too. But you'll always find that "French flair" or wild side in it that surprises you somehow and draws a smile on your face and imprints a memory in your brain. I missed that tonight!

I might take the Eurostar to Paris or Lille next year!

Dans mon coeur

Dans mes souvenirs les plus vivants
elle a toujours été là
pour offrir
le carambar interdit par les parents
pour jouer
à la crapette inlassablement
faire cuire
un vrai chocolat chaud la nuit du nouvel an
pour envoyer
à chaque anniversaire un petit mot écrit si gentillement

Dans la vie d'hier, d'aujoud'hui et de demain
elle est toujours là
pour entendre
d'une oreille attentive les secrets des uns et des autres sortis de l'ombre
pour tenir
ses promesses et un silence d'outre-tombe
pour poser
les questions auxquelles on n'a pas forcément envie de répondre
pour s'inquiéter
que tout va pour le mieux dans le meilleur des mondes

Après avoir retrouver tous nos ancêtres et bon-papa
elle sera toujours là
pour prêter
un sourire ou une main tendue dans les moments de détresse
pour m'aider
à sortir d'une récurrente tristesse
pour me rappeler
que sur mon chemin il y aura toujours une déesse
pour ouvrir
son bric-à-brac de cabas qui bédorde de tendresse

In the shadow of fear

I didn't listen to my inner voice this morning. Waking up at 7.30am on a Saturday was too early for my reasonable mind, "I was so tired last night, must try to get more sleep". But a small voice was telling me I could get up and go back to bed later in the day if needed. I didn't. I finally got up at 9.30am and surfed on the Internet for a while. Then, this is where it becomes interesting, because I have stopped writing for the last 15min... "no, i cannot write what I want to write, not here"... but also, "well, if I don't write about it, then the post won't make any sense what so ever"... The conflict was raging within as I went back surfing and I am now about to dive into the unknown, the unacceptable, the unspeakable - maybe I should prevent this post to be accessed by anyone underaged...

9.30am it was, looking on the Internet for images of polar bear, meanings of this majestic animal in shamanism and symbols in analytical psychology. I won't go into the reasons behind this search now but I hope to do so in the future. I liked what I read and particularly the idea of mothering - apparently mother bears are very protective mothers for their cubs and very gentle and patient but also very fierce in making sure nothing happens to them. I kept having images coming to my mind and as I was sitting on my bed I started to feel sexually aroused. My nipples were calling for gentle strokes and I happily answered their request. So much so that I ended up putting the laptop away and giving myself all the attention required. I believe that was a turning point.

A while later I covered myself with my duvet again and went back to "sleep" for an hour, fully aware that it wasn't what I wanted. Yet I couldn't move, I was stuck there by some kind of greater strength, there was nothing I could do to fight it. It took me a little while to recognise it and name it: overwhelming numbness! This shadow of fear is well known to me, being almost ever present for many many years! I tried to make it move in my body, to give it life but it wouldn't work. Finally I knew what I had to do: I had to give it life in words. And what better place than here?!

Yet I'm not sure what made it visit me today. But as I write these words I can hear "of course you do", and indeed I do know. Yes it has to do with the physical and sexual pleasure I gave myself earlier but it is not the whole story either, this was only the trigger. It comes back to a dream I had early this week which we expanded a little yesterday with my analyst. In that dream I give birth to a tiny little boy and in my old bedroom at my parents' I unwrap him from a wolf-like fancy dress outfit that is zipped on his back from head to toe. This baby boy is relying on me to get fed, protected, be loved nurtured and mothered and to grow enough before he can go alone onto his own path. At this very moment in time, he is extremely vulnerable and this is exactly how I feel, vulnerable. I feel that anything and anyone could very easily crush me.

So I keep swinging between the old pattern where I am in charge (or so I think) and so well protected that no one can even dream of touching my heart and a new opening where I accept my vulnerability and do all I can to protect myself from what I believe may be attacks, trying to keep the doors open for others to get in. The difficulty is that I am even scared of people who love me... As Tiffanie puts it in her post Cities, I wish I will visit the place called Trust sometime soon.

A Bonne-Maman

Depuis son fauteuil
Elle n'entend plus bien
Ses oreilles bien rangées dans le tiroir de sa table de chevet

Somnolant à moitié
Les heures défilent
Lentement ou à pas de geant selon qu'elle a des visites ou pas

Ni-assise et ni-allongée
Parfois elle s'arrête de parler
Par choix, de fatigue ou simplement parce que tout a déjà été dit

Acceptant et exposant sa fragilité
Elle reste belle
Coiffée de son élégante chevelure blanchie par les années

Jamais très grande et maintenant tassée
Elle reste digne
Même si ses muscles ont récemment décidé qu'ils en avaient eu assez

Aujourd'hui à 95 ans
Elle reste le pilier
Auquel tout un chacun vient encore s'amarrer

Je l'aime aujourd'hui
Comme je l'ai toujours aimée
Mais j'ai enfin trouvé les mots pour le lui dire et l'écrire

Quand il sera temps qu'elle rejoignent ses ancêtres
Je demande aux alliés de ce monde et de l'autre
De lui prendre la main et de l'accompagner avec amour
Pour qu'elle parte en joie et en paix

A not so random Wednesday morning

Yes, I did wake up early this morning, as planned. I thought I'd spend most of my extra hour on this blog... well, I didn't and it is now almost time for me to get ready for work. Actually it IS time to start getting ready, so I suppose I might have to rush somehow because I still want to spend a few more minutes here, sitting on my bed with my fingers running (slowly, I must admit) on the keyboard...

So what is it that is so important that I have to say?
I love mornings, these quiet times when hardly any cars can be heard, the neighbours are quiet, the bell church doesn't ring just yet, the sun begins its slow ascent bathing an ever increasing part of the brick wall opposite my window... I have always loved mornings but have found it difficult to even contemplate waking up for long periods of time. I remember these times when I still lived at my parents' and I would get up a 6am and run to the stables, spending hours, days and weeks helping out cleaning it and the horses. My parents complained that I was taking thier home for a hotel: they were right because I would be coming back only to eat and sleep during holiday...

Only time will tell whether this early morning will be one of many, the beginning of a new period where I take time for myself before going to a job that does not fulfil me any longer but which I am not prepared to leave just yet...

I want to thank myself for listening (and finding answers) to my needs.

Tower bridge round the corner

Tonight, I walked with my close friend Rosa to the flat I'm in the process of buying, show her what it looks like from the outside. On walking back, I left her walk to London Bridge to get her bus home and I walked across Tower Bridge to go my way home... I felt really excited about living so close to the river Thames and the major landmark of London. It was a wonderful feeling to imagine that I'd be walking it twice a day to get to work!

I hadn't been back that way since I first viewed the flat and it felt great!

Not here to be loved - French film

I have come out of the cinema with a feeling of sadness. I watched "Not here to be loved", a French film relating the meeting of two unhappy people - one middle age man who has never voiced his anger at not been seen by his father and is full of resentment and a woman in her 30s maybe, who is going to get married to a man who is Self-obsessed and doesn't give a dam about her. They meet on a dance floor, taking tango lessons.

At first I didn't understand why I felt sad. Then I came back "home", my ex-partner's flat where I live in at the moment while he's away having a brilliant time in South America for 6 months. There I let the tears flow and I heard them say "I don't want to leave this place, I feel home, it's a nice flat". I welcomed these tears of grief and gave myself to them for a while. Then I felt I had to write and an uninterrupted flow of words poured out into my book making me clearly see why I wasn't so excited about the flat I'm buying, and why I was/am in no hurry for the process to move forward...

I am grateful to the forces that took me to the cinema today to see a film I hadn't planned to see - I had the idea to watch "10 canoes" but went to the wrong cinema... I suppose I was ready to have my eyes opened to my own current truth and to accept it as it is, without judgment.

5 days which transform a lifetime

I have come back last night from an intensive workshop that counts as 5 days of Heartbeat in the pre-requisite to enter the 5 Rhythms teacher training. To me who doesn't at this minute think about the training it counts as a life transforming experience.

Alchemy of stillness it was called. Or in my own words, how to explore the emotions (and their shadows) of fear, anger and passion, sadness and joy in the body, let them dance me as I pay attention and learn to recognise and consciously release them, and finally allow these new allies or friends to blend into compassion and love at the centre of my heart. Intense it was indeed.

Thorny or daunting at times, gratifying and fun at others, the work opens the door of possibilies, catalyses questions or intentions and leads through transformation to newness. If it will take some time to integrate the experience it already revealed to me my own continuous - if not regular - movement on the spiral of life and my capacity to be more grounded in my own power.

I am extremely grateful to all spirits to have conspired so that I could be present for this work, to the much dedicated teacher Ya'Acov and his assistants Jo and Sue and all the students who made this work what it was.