Loneliness

The journey of self-discovery and individuation is a fascinating journey. But sometimes the path is arduous, slippery, curvy, unfriendly... looking back over the last few days/weeks that's how it has felt to me. I had been walking the alley-way, trekking the path, climbing the rocks with my head down looking at my feet and hadn't noticed how much I was relying on sheer will to overcome the increasing difficulty to go on. Yet each step required much effort and energy and I grew tired and restless as I kept my head down and refused to see the hard work I needed to put in to keep going.

And when in the analytical process my analyst found the right words to make me open my eyes, I awoke to a nightmare. I've had worst ones before but this one is rather dark, trust me... Yet that's why I pay him, isn't it? To keep me grounded when I fly high and lift me up when I sink too deep. Learning to be buoyant is such a difficult process!

As I awoke I found myself face to face with a monster the sort of which I can't describe. Anyone who read Carlos Castaneda's A separate reality may see what I mean. My monster is shapeless, rather dark, fluid and airy at the same time. It is cold and filling the every pore of my skin, shortening her breath and calling for retreat from the world. Without even being aware of its presence it'd engulfed me, abducted me into its own world and made me play along its own rules. Have you ever played backgammon in different part of the world, or even in different parts of Turkey? You learn one set of rules in one town and when you move to another town the rules are different and the only way to play with new people is to accept to adapt to their rules and usually you're not too good at it. At least to begin with... Still each time you need to adapt, it becomes easier and quicker...

I begin to know my monster's rules by now: it force-feeds me particularly with sweets of all sorts regardless of me being hungry or not and pushes me to be active and do things. Above all it is extremely good at erasing from my mind all meaningful words related to emotions or feelings and at blowing off the physiological, electrical and chemical mechanisms that connect my mind to my body. So much so that she (my body) becomes only an annoyance and a heavy burden, "that" thing that I am ashamed of and wished I could shape the way I want (or should I say, that society wants?) Going deeper into the darkness of my monster's world, I grow empty, impatient, angry, sad and I end up slashing the very meaningful relationships that exist in my life because it convinces me they're no good to me, that I have outgrown them, that I'm worth so much more... My monster takes me to deep loneliness so that it is "the one and only" I can rely on to survive.

I awoke to my analyst's words the other day "does it feel acceptable to be lonely?" It is such a painful feeling, yet it is my only way out. By accepting my feeling of loneliness my monster will have no more grip on me. By accepting my feeling of loneliness I will not depend on it for survival. By accepting my feeling of loneliness I do not need to fight harder, to walk faster, to fly higher, to be more witty or quicker in thinking, to get my answers right, to be dutiful in order to get some rewards...

Allowing my feeling of loneliness is simply to let it exist and the prospect terrifies me: I might actually start relating to people in a way that is meaningful to me and not to them!!! It will take the time it needs but I am growing really tired at putting a foot in front of the other endlessly for someone else. I want to sit down and comtemplate this loneliness and emptiness and worthlessness I hold inside. They do not belong to me. They took shelter long ago and are waiting for me to acknowledge them and give them a voice. That would be the best gift to them and to me, setting them free.