Pas très assidue depuis quelques semaines...
Pourtant les jours se succèdent et ne se ressemblent pas...
C'est aujourd'hui le dernier jour du solstice d'été...

De retour hier soir du dernier long weekend faisant partie de la formation d'un an au "shamanic healing", le bilan de cette année (plus exactement 9 mois - encore!!) est riche de découvertes, d'apprentissages, de tentatives, de réussites...

- Apprendre à apprendre pour moi et non pour le "prof"
- Accepter que je suis unique et non spéciale
- Laisser la place à/faire vivre ce serpent kundalini qui se réveille dans le bas du dos
- Quand je danse, je m'honore
- Le shamanisme est (tout au moins à ce jour) un complément extrêmement important à mon développment personnel, mais n'est pas le centre, n'est pas (encore?) mon chemin
- Apprendre à travailler en groupe, faire tomber les masques et savoir être vulnérable

et maintenant il est temps que je me remette à la rédaction des "facteurs psychologiques qui me poussent à vouloir entamer la formation de psychothérapie"... c'est toute une histoire, je n'en finit pas de finir puis de redémarrer... :-)

chat-chat-chat..... chat-chat-chat......

yes, talking, blah blah blah...
serious and deep one minute, shallow and silly the next, and back again... how fantastic!

Learning to be open, expose and put on the table even (above all?) what's uncomfortable but in a a conscious way - not leaking energy by spreading oneself in bits amongst several friends, rather distillate information that one wants to share... It makes such a difference!! Not only there's no leakage of energy but instead space made free in one's life for newness to enter... unbelievable!

from being soooooo turning inward in the last couple of years, i'm opening to the world again, I'm laughing at myself for taking myself so seriously, I feel lighter and at times shallow... and that is a good feeling!!!

And I feel that I want to put my new strengths, center, femininity, discovered sexuality, sensuality to the test of a new relationship... I feel that I want (and am ready?) to be joyful and also hurt and that this won't crush me... only time will tell!

scary...

2 years that I've been filling in this pages with bits and bobs of my life, situations, crises, introspecting, analysing, observing, chasing and playing the detective, trying to discover who I am, why I act the way I do, judging yet trying to be gentle....

nearly a month that I haven't written anything... almost anything... most of time I didn't even think about it. At times I did, I didn't feel like it. No words, no wish to sit down and share, no need to be serious and evaluate where I am, how far I've gone, compare, judge...

My analyst lent me this book Narcissism and Character Transformation: Psychology of Narcissistic Character , by Nathan Schwartz-Salant a few weeks back. Fantastic book, but very complicated. Yet it shifted something inside and the one thing that had struck me is how narcissistic people can not be happy. As if it's just not on!!! It hit me hard. real hard. And yesterday I was having a wonderful chat with my friend A. and she asked me the question "can you be happy?", to which i finally answered yes!!! That brought tears of fear and relief, pride and guilt....

I am learning to be happy, lighter, frivolous, owning the right to be, with the risk that it brings other people to envy me! basically I'm seeing that it is possible to take life not as seriously, have fun, have various types of friends... and lots more!!

I am very grateful to my current and older friends who've put up with me in these last few years where I've been looking for darkness...

just a few keywords...

crisis, hurt, depression, emotions, tears, love, pain, expansion, knowing & feeling, cell memory, ir-rational, repair, tension, 3rd, openings, sociable, within & without, moon-time, compassion, compensation, empathy, food, womanhood, teenager, fun, free fall, grieving, laugh, terrifying, blessings, grateful, narcissism, oyster, divided, brick wall, ocean, boat, horses, home, justice, authority, envy, jealousy, rank, older & younger, race, spring, death, flowering....