no words for a change

my journey is so thick these days that I don't know where to start... maybe better not to start this time, not to try to find the words... stay in the mirkiness and muddy waters and find my way out without laying the words down on the screen... how then? checking in when fear turns the volume up: "right now I'm ok"... trusting that my body is giving me the appropriate signals through the unpleasant symptoms...

that'll be it for this time

liberté d'expression...

Vendredi soir mon intention était de retirer ce manteau que je porte depuis 36 ans, manteau épais d'hiver fait de honte et de culpabilité d'être un être humain désireux de vivre ma sensualité et sexualité, honte et culpabilité doublées du fait que je suis femme...

Depuis j'ai découvert que ce n'est sans doute pas un manteau que je porte, mais plusieurs, empilés les uns sur les autres en une masse épaisse... les manteaux des nombreuses générations de femmes de mes lignées familiales, ancêtres féminies plus ou moins proches n'ayant jamais peut-être eu l'occasion ou ressenti la nécessité de les ôter. Leurs raisons pour cela peuvent êtres variées et n'ont pas grande importance...

Samedi soir, j'ai dansé pour moi, pour ces femmes proches ou lointaines, connues et aimées ou aimantes, ou inconnues et j'ai été inondée de leurs larmes, auxquelles certainement les miennes étaient mêlées, sans être dominantes... j'ai versé nos larmes de souffrance, de répression, d'incompréhension, de jugement, de devoir, d'obligation à paraître et je sens qu'une ou plusieurs épaisseurs de manteaux se sont évaporées...

je me suis sentie lavée, vue, exister...
... assez pour trouver en moi le désir de rédiger ces quelques mots en français... pour qu'ils soient compris de vous tous, famille et amis qui me connaiss"iez" si bien mais bien différente...

je me sens exister pour de vrai...
... assez pour vous dire combien je vous aime...

for all our relations

that's the name of the workshop I've started tonight with a 4h 5Rhythms dance meditation... and tonight I really got involved in the meditation and saw the "full" spectrum of it... I gave back body parts then my entire body to the wise dancer inside myself... both overwhelming and beautiful!

my intention for this weekend is to shed a particular layer that i've been living with for 36 years: the coat of shame and guilt that surrounds being a fully sensual and sexual human being doubled/amplified with shame and guilt of being a woman... i chose to make this coat mine as a child through generations and generations of ancestors and I feel tonight that the time might be right to take it off... I'm not too sure of what I'll find underneath, what I look like as a naked woman - I am to create myself and find my own truth as I go along!!

I will be dancing with this intention for myself AND for all my relations... if you are reading these few words, I will be dancing for you, too... whether man or woman...

blessings and gratitude

thrown into the wave... yet again...

what I've been going through these last few weeks seems to become thicker and less transparent each day. The time of known direction, clear sign-posting and determined motivation has gone... and is being replaced by questions with no answers, anxiety, impatience, obsession (?), addiction (?) or compulsion (?)...

A voice within, dear voice that I have known sooo well for so many years, is getting back with a vengeance. I can keep it away and the door closed at times but it also seems that the slighest wrong doing or word that does not fit my expectations throws the new me overboard and lets the wave of judgment and harsh self-criticism unleash with great force... on board remains Clairon, with all her own addiction to please, with her longing, with the fear that drives her to conform to standards that aren't mine, without a voice and without positive agression. Instead, this agression bursts out at the wrong moments and despite myself...

I know this, I understand it, I have experienced it, but tonight it is as if I couldn't say the inner No and help the new me out of the water... I do not know what to do and as much as I don't like feeling this way can I (will I?) call upon the energy of sensuality and sexuality to help me out...

de passage à Paris

qui l'eut cru? me voici à Paris et j'écris sur mon portable - merci WiFi - d'un café proche de Montparnasse, juste de l'autre côté du boulevard Pasteur où je viens de trouver une chambre pour la nuit....


C'est une série qui continue. Une certaine incapacité à organiser mon temps (en l'occurence également celui des autres) qui perdure depuis quelques mois maintenant. Alors que je connaissais mes dates de passages dans la capitale française, je n'ai appelé les nombreux cousins/oncles/tantes qu'hier soir, et encore pas tous... pour des raisons plutôt obscures, même pour moi... alors forcément, ceux que j'ai eu étaient soit non disponibles soit absents... suis-je surprise ? pas vraiment ! Suis-je déçue ? pas beaucoup plus !
était-ce un désir unconscient de passer la soirée et la nuit seule dans un/des lieux inconnus et neutres ? peut-être car je suis finalement assez heureuse d'être là. Ambiance à la française, l'interdiction de fumer encore pas passer dans les cafés (malheureusement...), un croque-monsieur comme dîner, et sans doute un peu de programmes télé probabalement plus que moyens quand j'arriverai dans ma chambre... mais au moins ils seront français, et j'ai oublié ce que c'était !!

je suis allée voir bonne maman. je l'ai trouvée moins maigre que la dernière fois. je l'ai trouvée fragile mais surtout portant un air triste. elle a peu dormi pendant les quelques heures que j'ai passées à ses cotés, mais les mots sont restés espacés. et pourtant elle est toujours là, bien là. j'ai ressenti tellement d'amour pour cette femme rapetissée, blanchie par les années, et qui pour une raison inconnue s'accroche toujours à la vie... elle est et sera dans le premiers cercle de mes ancêtres, proche, aimante, présente... je suis tombée amoureuse de ma grand-mère cet après-midi, avec toutes ses qualités et tous ses limites...

merci bonne maman.
je t'aime.

the two faces of the same coin

when was the last time I didn't write for an entire week? loooong time ago...

these past days, maybe 3 weeks, my life has simply been turned upside down, or is it inside out? I've been living it to the full and I feel it is not over... I've been enjoying what I discover...

A. said to me "one step at a time". I couldn't agree more - in my head. Yet it's not what I'm doing. There's an intensity that I have never touched before about every moment of my life, about every situation, about every experience. I feel sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes extremely tired, sometimes taken aback and stunned "is this really me?"...

imagine a pound or a euro coin.
I've lived my "entire" life as one side of this coin: I knew every hill, crack, shade, curve of the imprint, colour, feel, even taste of it... then 3 weeks ago, "without warning" the composition of that coin suddenly changed, the density dropped and I fell as if through a trap door onto the other side - through the coin! On that side, there's no reference, no known rule, no safety mesh. On that side, everything looks wilder, more exciting, greener. Everything is to be discovered and I'm up for it. Yet deep down I also know that it is no more my truth than the other.

So what next? All I can say is that at the moment, I'm only observing, taking in, learning and I can feel some energy being released. How long this phase will last I cannot say and I have no desire for it to be short or long. I'm being swept along yet conscious of what is happening and I feel safe at my core. I feel real and I feel alive. Even if right at this minute all I want is to sleep...

to go unconscious?

disco ball

"Are you a romantic?" I asked C. the other day
"Yes, he replied, but I'm multifaceted".

I liked that answer very much...

I heard the voice of someone who knows a little (or a lot!) about himself, who's found out that there's a large spectrum of colours and shapes and moods and attitudes and feelings and emotions and that one constantly shifts from one to the next...
I heard the voice of someone who accepts and allows the changes and transformations that the Life journey brings up, however subtle or extraordinary...

I have met with C. since that question was asked and reply was given.
I felt the presence of a dark side that is not under control and allows something new, maybe unexpected, to be coming out into the light...

In his presence, I also saw the powerful lights reflected off the disco ball

Did this darkness and light belong to him or to me?