un soir de printemps

je suis rentrée du boulot par le chemin des écoliers ce soir.

Métro direct, traversée de Tower Bridge, profitée de la vue et d'une lumière magnifique et changeante entre le gris sombre et les rayons du soleil traversant quelques nuages et illuminant l'eau couleur argent...
et puis c'était marée basse, et je suis descendue au bord de l'eau écouter les mouvements incessants, remercier ce fleuve majestueux qui fait vivre Londres, qui lui donne des ailes... je me suis sentie adoucie, caressée, invitée à ouvrir mon coeur - jusqu'à ce que le petit vent très frais ait raison de moi et du fait que je n'étais pas assez habillée...

j'aime cette ville fourmillante 24/7 aussi parce qu'il y a ces endroits "secrets" où le silence règne et la vie va au ralenti...

little claire

yes I have found her in a dark basement, confused, hurt, not trusting, yet having made this place hers and being as comfortable as possible in there - that is in between the time she got abused...

here she is...

inner judge

oh the anguish of standing up for myself
the difficulty of finding my own voice

actually no
it's more about giving a voice to my body
letting it out
hearing it
accepting it

how hard can it be to say to a dear friend "you know last night when you said 'your dodgy website' I felt judged and it hurt"? I broke a sweat while it was not warm, tears came up to my eyes when she explained she had thought about it and not only apologised but gave me a quick hug too... and the tears were saying "i'm so sorry that i may have caused you some embarrassment, discomfort or awkwardness by saying how I feel, me who is a nobody, i'm ashamed of my boldness, please forgive me"...
Well, pretty hard it was...

But then, how liberated I felt for the rest of the evening!! I had gained a sense of self worth and no one can ever take that from me, except the judge within. Because of course that's also what happened... her words woke up my inner judge big time and he took her words for himself ans had a go at me. So the hard bit in telling her these words, really, was a mean of telling my inner judge I did not like his attitude and in some way to say that i do not accept it.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed

Carl Jung

good bye

Good bye my friend
ear dutiful and pleasing girl.
You have served me well
I am grateful, ever so

Your time is up though...

I can stand on my own feet
Listen to my inner voice and
Make it heard
Be truer to myself in earnest

Your time is up

My dearest mask i can take off
Worn out by all these years
No longer needed
My real face I show to the world
Without shame, with pride

Your time is up dearest
Good bye.

"My river changed face according to seasons
Frozen in 2007 is the fear of creating beauty
Flowing in 2008 is the welcoming home of masculine and feminine in my body
Dancing together for the senses"

it's just getting bigger... and bigger...

two and a half weeks and only now do I notice that the wind must have got stronger already back then... it happened far beyond the horizon and I didn't see it maybe also because I'd been falling low... but it's been building up stronger and stronger ever since, without me noticing.

the first highly formed waves have come crashing against the shore already... as an premise of a much bigger storm on its way? is my boat sea-worthy? I'm too far out to head back to safety to the harbour...

the biggest conscious test just gone seems now to have been only a few ripples on the surface compared to what is making its way toward me, as ancestral rage and hate surface from the deepest and darkest places and nothing will be stopping them this time. I'm prepared and terrified as I know it's the only way out and there's no escape. Not this time!

I can do with love, prayers, hugs, all good intentions...

an oasis in the desert

desert crossing is always a challenge

silence
long days
aloneness
vastness
humility
test
strong sun

coming closer is an oasis

shadowy
full of life
water
colours
peace
rest

i can say good bye

therapeutic tears... thank you.

I am grateful I can easily stop, cry and listen.
Two weeks ago they were begging "don't go, stay, please! my heart hurts too much!!"
Two weeks later and a quick online chat, they asked for a proper good bye, then said good bye
genuinely, meaning what it says on the tin "GOOD" bye...

Once again I have seen T. as Other and not "simply" as an image of myself in the surface of the lake... But the pain is such that I have come in contact and retreated fast again. Hopefully next time will come sooner than last and will be less painful. And the time after that sooner and less painful still...

yet however painful, after i retreat it feels like a victory for Love with a capital "L", not petty love with a small "l". This is a reason to celebrate!

ahhhhh, Spring!!

welcome to Spring, time of newness ...

yes to the flowers
yes to the tender green grass and leaves of all shapes
yes to the temperature-closer-to-summer-than-april-time
yes to the snow inviting itself for the day

i love the impredictability as it keeps reminding me to be humble

making space for the Goddesses inside

day trip to Paris.
needed to raise to the occasion.
calling on the Goddess Athena
needed her present, ambitious, clear and quick minded and rational.
present she was, pleased to be on stage and play the part again
she sent out excellent vibes
then sent in the emotional bill!

loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, invisibility, ugliness...

"of course!" I think hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand.
dear cold, calculating, planning Athena
leaves a trail of emotional vacuum
and my inside half, three-quarter (or more?) dead!

dead!? when Paris offers
romance and sensuality
love and sex
as well as car horns
deafening underground
quiet, stunning Cour carrée du Louvre
and improvised, delightful opera soprano
in the warm early Spring evening sun.
connecting with the beauty of the site
not allowed,
'cos i'm worth it, remember?

in the end,
thanked Athena for her help
asked her to step down
til next time.
let go of emotional memories
anchored in my body
and a smile being drawn on my face.

what is time anyway?

10 days
a split second
an eternity
and still no clear answer to my question...

10 days
one minute yes
no the next
and still stuck in a clear confusion

half excited, half terrified

More and more I am discovering facets of who I am...
I try to say to the world that I am like this when really, if I take responsibility for my actions, I am more like that - or at least, I am ALSO like that...

I am fine with it
I am not fine with it
Where am I?
Who am I?
What do I want?
What do I need?

Is this REALLY me?
At the moment, yes.
Am going over the top or is it simply who I am?
I don't have the answer at this very time...

one big lesson

If only one thing I have learnt over the last week:

I have value for myself,
I can support, love, be present, listen, care for myself,
Being alone does not equate being worthless

choices...

Went to my regular 5Rhyhthms dance class on Monday night.
It was a difficult choice to make - be with myself and let my body and the emotions stored in her simply BE, or go home and hide and "forget" all evening on my computer...

Was clearly shown the weekend before Easter that I must let go of my own Past before opening up to a new future.
It is my choice to let it go - does it still nourish me and do I want to cling onto it to make the current experiences "real", or say NO to the old attitudes that are nowhere near reality...

Learnt and practiced soul retrieval in last weekend's component of a 1-year shamanic training.
I have the choice to believe that the event that unfolded 48h later are related to the soul piece that was brought back to me, or not...

The last week has clearly exposed my deep deep sense aloneness. The outer storm brought me on me knees, crying in pain and despair.
I had the choice to call upon my analyst or very close friends to cry on their shoulders for gaining outer support, or stay alone, listen to what my tears need to communicate and bring support from within...


Do we only learn big lessons in times of difficulty or conflict?

Elle et moi (2) - English

She's back
I've begged her not to leave me
She's heard my despair
She's staying

Probation period
To know one another again
Communication resumed
She wants always more
From me

Presence in the now
Attention and care
Gentleness and tenderness
Clear boundaries
Ability to make demands
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart

In return
She'll give me
Presence in the now
Centeredness
Sense of empowerment
Ability to transform
Respect and sense of worth
Trusting belly
Open and loving heart

And much much more...

contradictions

Often i've got a voice deep within that tells me "no, don't, it's not the right thing/person/location..." and I dismiss it... I don't want to hear it, it's a hinderance more than anything else - or so ego2 thinks.
Interestingly I don't have any memories of a voice deep within saying "yeah, go for it" when ego2 dismisses it because it doesn't want to go for it because of x, y or z....


It must have heppened though and I'm curious to start noticing those moments...

quote

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?

Nietzsche

going alone

as I find myself very much alone... (dare I say lonely?) i note that the world is conspiring for me to go back within... I believe this is no coincidence about the timing of what happened in the last 2 or 3 weeks. As if the world had made sure I was prepared for what was coming to hit me...

It "all" started when I got a strong call to go back to my grand-parents house in Brittany. I knew I needed to go alone even though I had no idea what the purpose was. I didn't have any other intention than to remain open to what would come to me. I stayed for 2.5 days and the messages I got were clear - let go of your own story and history (different from forgetting or denying or giving it up!); the strong feeling of being home in this place in the physical world, take with you and make yourself your home so that it is with you at all times;

as I came back to London with a few more days off, my psychoanalyst had gone on holiday for a few weeks, something that hadn't happened for a really long time; my dear friend I. had gone to SA for a few weeks, too, for his own journey; my dear friend R. has been working in York for a while now and it's not always straight forward to meet at weekends; Yet I was excited also because it'd been a couple of weeks since I last met T. and thought we'd meet soon... I was wrong and the timing of him calling a day on something that had never really started but in which I had invested a lot could not be more difficult (or appropriate, depending on whic way you look at it...). From being and needing to be alone, I felt (and needed to feel?) lonely...

Of course I could have chosen to email my analyst, to call my friends, to cry and ask for support... but deep down I knew i needed to go alone, to let myself fall into the darkest tunnel full of ghosts of past and present times... After a first terrifying 24h filled with excrutiating physical pain and a sense of complete desperation, it is as if I got used to the darkness and as I accepted it, made friend with it, the fall slowed down, even stopped for short periods of times... before picking up speed again! I believe that the sweetness and gentleness of this man increased not only the speed of my fall but also the pain that I experienced: there was no blanket of anger or resentment to be hiding behind this time making the whole experience full blast!! "Funny" enough, I believe this is the best gidt I could give myself!

I have often thought in the past that the men I liked were not available... I know now that most of the time, I was not available, however strong and loud I claimed the opposite!!! This time, i do not know and I will live the question, as well as leave it open...

right here and right now

I feel my heart, strong in my chest, I am at peace

In 2 seconds my mind will wonder off to a sweet memory or something that will not be and my whole body will cry

Ten minutes after that I might be well at peace again

This pain i have never experienced, or should i say my mind has no memory of anything similar... Anyone read Harry Potter or the Northern Lights trilogy? The terror I experience resembles that described in the sucking by the dementors or that by the spectres... dragging me to a place beyond any word where I feel dead - I talk, I work, I go through the motion, I can even laugh and sound merry but there's noone home because the home, my home, I've let it been sucked away... There's only darkness, emptiness, invisibility, cold and loneliness left.

In this deepest fear that can only happen at a cellular level, there's no anger, no resentment, no blame, no guilt and no shame. There's a prayer mixed in with the tears crashing on my chest, "don't leave me it hurts too much" and a desperate call "i'll do better, I'll change, I'll learn how to please, please give me another chance"... but is it him that I'm begging to stay or is it my home sweet home that i'd given him? In other words, am I in love with him or with the relationship which made me feel whole?

I believe I know the answer.