24 October 2006

Diving into the new game

Sadness
Fear
Grief
Laughter
And countless others
Keep playing seek and hide
Jump, push and disappear
Dance, swing
What a mess!
OUT – OUT - OUT


The body looses its balance.
I need a rest.
Gentle wind
Exploding volcano
Filled up puddle
My mind goes round and round and round
I give up.

They’re careless though.
They’ve left clues.
Time to track them down.
Time to play detective.

Even if I don’t know the rules
Even if I don’t know the words
I hear some whispers.
Feel
Love
Patience
Receive
Let go
OK -
OKOK


My mind looses its balance.
I need a rest.
Judgmental policeman
Naive sleeping beauty
Cheating trickster
My body goes quiet, tired and numb
I give up.

Time to rise up to the challenge
Mind versus Body
That’s the name of the game
And only two winners will do.


clairem --- 19 oct 2003

22 October 2006

Inspiration

The cruel letter-box
Breeds only anguish from being vacant.
The malevolent telephone
Brings only grief from remaining silent.

Ink dried-up making my words still-born.
Connections gone loose between heart and hand.
Still I scribble on this page, saying nothing.

How disappointing!

Al, you promised…
Terry, you said …
Oliver, you offered…

I lose my footing in a swirling black hole.
Seconds, days and months go unfazed
I can’t swim and slowly drown…

clairem --- end of 1990

Dieu @ 16

A 16 ans, j’avais rencontré Dieu.
Pour ne retrouver qu’un homme à 32.
Quelle déception !

De trois ans mon aîné,
Il m’avait choisi
Pour l’accompagner.

J’ai adoré jouer à la déesse
Comme on joue à la poupée.
Mais dans une naïve erreur de jeunesse,
J’ai fini par m’y identifier.

Fatalement le jour est venu
Où ma plus belle robe a été volée.
Je me suis retrouvée abandonnée, toute nue
Et sans mémoire de qui j’étais.

A 16 ans, j’avais rencontré Dieu.
Pour ne retrouver qu’un homme à 32.
Quelle leçon !

clairem --- 2003/2006

20 October 2006

Darkness Visible

As a child, I was terrified of climbing up to the second floor of my parents’ house to go to bed. Each approaching night brought me more vivid imaginary yet real visions that I was going to be devoured alive by sly crocodiles and alligators faking to be asleep and hiding under my bed. I knew they were only waiting for me. I would not turn the light on so as not to give myself away and would make a giant leap, crash on the bed and curl up under the blanket. Safe, at last!! During those same years with my siblings, we took in turn to buy fresh milk direct from the farm nearby. In the winter months, I can’t remember one time when my 10 minutes walk didn’t get filled with thieves running by and taking my money, scary men jumping out of the bushes in front of me or monsters cutting me into pieces… but those were nothing compared to my belief that weren’t I to come back home no one would have noticed before my body had gone cold. Twenty-odd years later, I can add that I would have rather died than acknowledge those fears…

So imagine the feeling of fear when I tasted salty waters running down my cheeks and I heard myself voice a prayer as I made the conscious choice to enter the world of Darkness, “Spirit of Darkness, please welcome me into your world. I’m making the leap into the unknown and I’m terrified of being lonely”. Ouchhhh… My initiation unveiled a privileged relationship with other body-parts as they became exposed, celebrated and stroked with immense gentleness… My head, the ruler of 30 years or so of my life. My throat, as I am finding my own voice. My belly, swollen container of the repressed, forgotten and unknown emotions. My belly-button, permanent reminder of the very first wound, the eternal scar of the very first separation and death from the sacred link to the mother. My hands, last body-parts linking the world of light with that of darkness as they cover my eyes of the thick blindfold, by then my only friend and enemy. My hands, last pieces of a whole allowing my experience to be shared for the outer world through the writing of my story, my truth seeping through the walls of my heart and branching out into words…

As my hands put in place the blindfold, my biggest fear turns very real and I begin to die.

I dive. Deep, deeper, and deeper and deeper still. I carry too heavy a weight belt. I have no desire to stabilise my descent or my depth. I am unwilling to reach buoyancy, as I watch up the coral-bushes shining dark above me against the sun and the strong light of the ocean surface grow further and further away. Shhhhh… I can hear something… A silent chant bypasses my ears and talks directly to my brain, “I know what’s best for you, keep yourself to yourself and I’ll look after you…” I am spellbound and accept this request blindly. Whether far away or close by the siren’s chant whispers how courageous I am, how much I am the centre of attention, the only place I owe to be. She is so proud of me… so proud in fact that surely my buddies and I are playing in a different league! Soon I find no reason to try to reach out to them. I am so much more advanced, I have already gone places! Quietly she makes me shut the door and turn the light off for good… I am in the world of darkness and blessed.

“But, hang on, who are you?” Another voice coming from nowhere and as if hiding from me tries to be welcoming my buddies, one after another, once they have been initiated into the world of darkness. What an annoyance! I push her aside and keep her quiet!! All the while the siren keeps chanting and she is utterly disinclined to accept anyone entering her new world: only heroes need apply! I am diving real deep and I just know that I am able to observe a world that surely is not accessible to any of them!! I accept her terms and conditions and have no other desire than to follow her into the always greater depth of her world, into her hidden castle.

As the visibility increases when alone and in silence curled up on my bed - my refuge - I slowly grow younger - and colder. Soon enough I seek warmth and curl up under the blanket, when… “what’s happening!?! Has someone changed the mix of air in my tanks?” The narcosis wanes off slowly and the headache begins to creep in under my scalp… I recognise the settings of the siren’s home, the dark corners, the empty rooms, the naked cement walls, the austere silence, the absent neighbours, the always raised draw-bridge… Physically and spiritually, I am dispirited because I have followed my siren’s friend into a world that I know all too well and that I don’t like. But I know there is no escape, as the feeling of security is overpowering. Physically and spiritually I am terrified because I don’t trust the very one person I thought I could rely on… She makes sure she keeps me on my toes and starts questioning the experience itself and criticising me, “what are you doing wrong that you can’t see in the darkness?”, “You’re not good enough”, “not focused enough”, “not ready for it”, “your intents aren’t clear enough to have good dreams”, “was it worth the price you paid?”, “you’re missing the point”…”surely the others are gaining much more from the experience than you do”… Without warning I had just fallen from the chosen one, the princess, the bride to the dump of the earth. The old days of dictatorship had returned because I had happily signed in at the bottom of the contract without reading it!! The most beautiful siren’s voice had turned to the sour and bitchy voice of the witch.

When the annoying voice from nowhere creeps in again I feel it is too late. She’s now dying for a hug but the siren calls loud and clear, “we’ve done well together in the past, we can do it together again, we don’t need anyone. If you stay with me I’ll take care of you so that no one hurts you”. I had my chance. I know I had my chance to welcome her in but I pushed her away. There is no one else than myself to blame. And so the voice from nowhere is kept outside the walled city, the armoured body, the mother’s womb, the parent’s house, Dahab… I try to fight my deep instinctual mistrust of the siren and to raise rational arguments to make her fall. I can only watch my brain firing blank and see myself lose battle after battle. The weak voice from nowhere craves from human contacts yet they’re experienced with disgust. Yet, just as she thinks she’s won the war and I give up the fight, a flash of light comes through my blindfold, soon followed by more of the same until I come to recognise that it is here to stay. A strong and white sunshine forces through my eyelids, too. There’s no more hiding anywhere. There’s no more safe refuge. The coat of fear is quickly sweetened by warmth and hope and compassion brought to a woman gone into despair.

The spellbinding chant turned judgement is suddenly taken over by a silent outburst leaving no possible confusion, “what if love was NOT about suffering?” “What if receiving love was NOT conditioned by sadness, illness or pain?” “What if accepting love was NOT about signing a contract to give it all back?” The voice coming from nowhere can now be located. No need for GPS or satellites, I feel it in my burning heart in my chest, pounding harder and faster and bringing in fresh air into my tanks. Soon her joy is palpable as I resurface and she engages in a new battle with the siren bringing in a new set of rules: love, softness, compassion, gentleness enter the scene. There’s no string attached and no payback time…

The untrustworthy human’s hand resting on my shoulder and deep voice whispering in my ear, “are you ok?”, “you’re doing well” suddenly becomes bliss - The jealousy of being one of many turns to the thankfulness of being one of many - I am unique and required in our circle – I reach out to my buddies and love them and I feel genuinely loved, too - The need to be seen as the chosen one vanishes as the voice of my heart speaks of love – My heart adds on the icing on the cake: she is a core of authentic, non judgmental and non-restricted love within that I couldn’t even imagine existed.

I have not seen beautifully enamelled cathedrals, creepy entrances to grottos nor heard wolves on the distant hill but my journey into the Spirit of Darkness has handed me the most valuable gift; at the very centre of a beautifully formed female body sits a heart very much alive, overflowing with love and growing.

As my hands take off the blindfold and the clothes, and splash cold water from the stream onto my warmed skin I begin to live.

clairem --- 19 Oct 2006

16 October 2006

Rhythm is everything

hands
caressing the page
fingers
trembling with desire
they find their feet…
--------------------- an enormous boost
--------------------- after too long a wait
--------------------- a lay off injured

hands
smelling the ink
fingers
pouring out the words
they’re ready to go…
--------------------- a connection to the heart
--------------------- after too long a wait
--------------------- a major repair

hands
enjoying carelessness
fingers
laughing with life
they set the speed…
---------------------- a magical composition
---------------------- after too long a wait
---------------------- a death experience

hands are free
fingers grateful
they know.
Rhythm is everything.
---------------------- and today…
---------------------- the sportsman’s allowed back from a nasty injury
---------------------- the instrument’s allowed back to his loving musician
---------------------- the creativity’s allowed back to the humble artist


clairem --- 11 Oct 2006

08 October 2006

End of lies

You've said lies before
You've hidden the truth
For my own good you said
Or else
To spare me
Now I'm asking you
And I want the truth
Of what exactly?

Don't, don't, don't lie to me
I can tell
Just the way you stand
It is so clear I wonder
Are you really trying to convince me?

Speak with your heart
Voice the neither good nor bad
Explain not your love
Let it overflow
Make it real
I need to be touched
If you feel like a fool
That's the only way to win me over

Don't, don't, don't lie to me
I can tell
Just the way you look
It is so clear I wonder
Are you really trying to convince me?

07 October 2006

Bienvenue à la mort qui donne la vie

Ma mère est morte
Enfin, en quelque sorte
Dans mes yeux, aucune larme
Mais un assourdissant vacarme

Ma mère est morte
Je lui ai prêté main forte
A cause de son infirmité
Je ne pouvais m’échapper

Ma mère est morte
Un couteau dans l’aorte
Pour tuer sa religion
Et son manque d’émotions

Jouer la comédie, prétendre, se vendre… AU DIABLE !
Accepter la vie ou aller se pendre !
Jouer les martyrs, trahir, obéir, mentir… ASSEZ, ASSEZ !
Il est temps de se réjouir et de s’épanouir !

Les dés sont lancés
Ma mère est née
Ni juge, ni partie
Je me sens bien lotie

Les dés sont lancés
Ma mère est née
Renaissant de ses cendres
Avec un vrai cœur tendre

Les dés sont lancés
Ma mère est née
Elle est harmonie et paix
Elle reste à mon chevet


clairem --- 15 Jan 2006

04 October 2006

Elasticity

Thanks and let go
I'll give you a hug and you can go
I was cristal glass
I'm now flexible.
Good night.

clairem --- 5 Mar 2006

Knock Knock Knock


Knock Knock Knock
Who’s that?
Life’s at the door,
8 o’clock
You woke me up
I shall come back.


Knock Knock Knock
Who’s that?
Life’s at the door,
9 o’clock
Too early, not ready
I shall come back.


Knock Knock Knock
Who’s that?
Life’s at the door,
10 o’clock
Sounds and smells tempting
I shall wait for you.

Knock Knock Knock
Who’s that?
Life’s at the door, 11 o’clock
Colours and trust sneak in
I shall stay put.

Knock Knock Knock
Who’s that?
Life’s at the door,
12 o’clock
Feet planted on the ground
You shall come with me

clairem --- 6 Apr 2006

Yes, No, Maybe ... not

Yes
I can.
But
I won't.
Too much pain.
"See? I do it alone
Will you love me now?"

No
I can't.
And
I won't.
Too much hurt.
"See? I'm strong
Will you love me now?"

Enough!
Enough!

I call
for help.
Love.
"See? I'm hurt
Will you hold me now?
Will you let me cry?"

clairem --- 9 Aug 2006